Am I being unreasonable to put a lock on our bedroom door- things being stolen by other half's kids

[gemzitab]

So I have decided to put a lock on mine and my other half’s bedroom door today. My other half thinks I am being unreasonable and I disagree

Please share your thoughts after reading the following:

Myself my other half and my 5 year old daughter live in this house. I am 28 weeks pregnant.
My other half has 2 teenage sons who stay over every other weekend from a Friday to a Sunday lunchtime.

When my other half’s boys stay things go missing and get stolen. Money tobacco, cigarettes and more.
They also take it upon themselves to look through personal drawers in our bedroom, turning them upside down when they are here on their own and we are out, and again things have gone missing.
When they are here I now have to hide my daughters money box, valuables, savings jRs of cash I have for things in my room, but without a lock on the door these could still be found when they look through our stuff and they could still help themselves.
Kitchen drawers where we keep change and stuff are rifled through too when we are out.

So I’ve put a lock on the bedroom door so when we are out I can lock it and I know our valuables are safe and not have to be out worrying that my personal stuff is being rummaged through when I’m not there, or things tKen. My other half might not mind them rummaging, but I do.
My other half says just remove temptation and hide in our room, but if they are rummaging in there when we are out then these things are going to be found such as jars of cash for ‘baby fund’ ‘daughters birthday’ ‘xmas’ etc

My other half thinks a lock isn’t necessary but I really feel it is now. Am I being unreasonable?

Please let me know. I’m anxious about other half coming home and seeing I’ve put the little padlock on the bedroom door.

Opinions please...

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable if the boys are actually to blame for things going missing.

Does your DH know they are doing this? If so, why does he think it’s ok?

They should not be in your bedroom at all let alone rummaging and taking things.

I think putting a lock on the door is letting them off lightly!

Personally I would, just a simple door lock. If money is going missing that’s theft. If you’re 100% sure it’s them then I’d do that, if not for the stealing but the rifling through personal possessions.

My other half knows it's them but nothing has been said so that's why I decided to do this so I know anything in my bedroom, or that I have to hide in there when they are here, is safe and won't go missing. I can't afford to replace things that go missing and certainly can't afford for money to be taken when I've got my daughters birthday coming up, Xmas, and a baby on the way too x

YANBU and you don’t need to explain why you do want your money and things stolen! It shouldn’t be happening and your OH should be speaking to his children about it to be honest.

YANBU. What a crap situation to have to live with. I'd hate a constant invasion of my privacy like that. My own daughter takes anything of mine she likes the look of and I'd rather like to put a lock on my own door. Maybe I will.

I’d put a proper door lock on the door not a tiny easy to break padlock.

Why does your husband think this is acceptable behaviour?

You have a H problem not a SDC problem. Your husband is sending out the message that it’s fine to steal from you and go thro your private things.

Your H sounds like a crap dad.

Of course you've got to put a lock on the door if they don't understand what's private.! YANBU at all!!! Do it!

I'd be seriously thinking about setting a policy that they don't get to stay if they can't respect your property. This should not happen in your house and if they keep behaving like this you can't trust them around your baby. What if they go into their room and steal their things later? If they're happy to steal from you they'll also steal from their half sibling. If your DH doesn't deal with this now it's storing up bigger problems for the future.

I'm a bit surprised there's nothing in the OP about conversations with your two DSS – what's happened so far in terms of discussions with them?

What do they say?

Oops - just seen your other post OP saying that nothing's been said.

I'd sit all three of them down to have an open conversation about privacy in general, and more specifically things that have been going missing.

Conversations before padlocks, would be my approach...

They are thieves and untrustworthy. A conversation needs to be had about what that means and that if it does not stop immediately you will not have them in the house unless you are there.

It’s difficult to say you won’t have them in the house as they are children (under 16/18?) and it is their Dad’s house (I say this as a stepmother myself) but then if there are trust issues you have to think of your young child too so it needs to be addressed.

Having said that perhaps I would say to DH/OH that if he won’t ensure his sons respect your home and your things then you don’t want them in your home 🤔 He just needs to parent them properly from the sound of it.

And don’t let him stop you putting a lock on the door (which as PP said is not a substitute for speaking to the boys)

Yes they need confronting but if yr OH wont do that then he hasnt left you with any alternative has he OP? You should feel that yr belongings are safe in your own home. Doesnt sound like they have any respect for you or their dad- thats due to their uobringing. Dont forget then thats he is bringing up dcs with you....

I wouldn't have a little padlock, I'd have the biggest I could find. They will easily break through a little one.

It sounds as though he's as bad as they are. They steal and he basically says you're unreasonable for objecting.

If someone was stealing from me the lock used would be on the bloody front door never mind my bedroom! I cannot believe their dad hasn't said anything to them. Don't bite your tongue and leave it to your DH. It's you they're stealing from! I'd try installing some sort of cctv (there's apps on the iPhone/iPad that turn them into motion activated cameras). It may be just one of your DSS that is stealing. Best to find out which one and deal with him. And yes, keep the bedroom door lock!

Yanbu
Your dh needs to step up and parent his boys.

My other half knows it's them but nothing has been said

He's not a good parent and YANBU. I don't know how you've not said anything so far to them.

I have a lock on our bedroom door with a proper key 😂
When we go away on holiday DS looks after our dog
So while I trust him, he might bring his friends into the house or someone I don’t know who could steal stuff
So when we go away we lock the bedroom door and put anything that could go missing into the bedroom
We also have a safe in the bedroom that’s fixed to the actual floor so would be very hard to be removed
We keep passports; cash and stuff In the safe

Could you buy a safe OP and get it fixed to the floor or keep it in the wardrobe a decent digital safe is around £30 at B&Q
They are heavy so unlikely for the kids to try and walk out with it

Why are they in the house when you’re not there? I think I’d be telling them that they have to stay in your company at all times because they’re untrustworthy. I can’t belivw your OH is saying it’s ok for his children to go through your things. Is he mad?!

YANBU

Your had the chance to sort out his, kids, he didn’t, what are you supposed to do?

Your DP I meant

Get a safe for your money and possessions. However, I don’t see why you are not confronting them about stealing your belongings and turning your drawers out. Are you absolutely sure they are doing this?
If they are disrespecting you then think about banning them from your home. Your DH can make other arrangements

Why are they in the house when you’re not there?

That's not the issue. The issue is their thieving.

They should be able to be in their father's house, without supervision...unless you want them to feel it's not their home.

Their stealing and disrespect needs addressing.. but a dad who ignores it, isn't much use tbh.

Today they steal from you... tomorrow from the shop..a friend...an old lady? Then he'll claim they're good boys from a loving home. A home where he isn't parenting. If as a parent, you can't address such issues...He's failing them.

They have no boundaries and no respect for you both.

Why on other isn’t your OH dealing with this? Terrible behaviour from teenagers. I also wonder why they are doing it - is it that they don’t get pocket money/money for chores or is it a red flag for something else (sorry OP but drugs and alcohol spring to mind)?

The lock’s really just a band aid. A reasonable one but I think it should just be a temporary fix while your OH gets to the root cause of the problem and deals with it.