Ex wife hell

[Sparklingraspberry1]

Anyone else have experience of horrific ex wives. I don't just meannthebusul run of the mill awkwardness. I mean down right nasty, ridiculous and ludicrous. I regularly find myself thinking "is she serious". I genuinely fear that she is mentally unstable due to the irrationality of her behaviour.

Controlling, manipulating and down right crazy. Constantly using kids as pawns.

She makes every effort to split me and DP up. Constantly texts him TELLING him what to do with the kids, asking about money making him pay for XYZ and will tell the kids if he refuses to (she gets more than enough CSA. We have kids regularly thanks to C/O and have to provide on those days too, obviously. Tells the kids far too much, she tells them everything that goes on. She tells them she hates me, that I'm stupid and that their daddy will never marry me (she's never met me) and tries to get kids to hate their dad (he's the most involved father I have ever met, not even being bias). The kids are 7 and 5, and thankfully, they adore me. She tried to get school involved to disallow me to pick up and drop off. Constantly sends kids in scruffy clothes, ripped or too small (she apparently has money, always on trips out etc.) Or if she picks kids from school will keep the uniform we have provided, meaning we have to buy full new uniform regularly.

At school, she's one of those mum's who is into everything and into everyone business. The one at school who can't help but stick her nose in. She believes she's everyone's friend and everyone likes her. As I'm an intelligent person, I am aware that others see through this. It's like she's constantly looking for validation from others.

My DP has been split from her for two and a half years and she's never moved on.

This is literally just a few things. Stuff has happened that I daren't even disclose! This is just the basics.

Anyone else have a similar experience?

If so, how do you cope?

@Shitwit has phrased it much better than I could.

@Sandyy2k
Kids may go home during the week so on a Tuesday and come back on Sunday. Complex CO in place around shifts. So on Sunday she won't send uniform

@bananasinpyjamas11
Last day of context sometimes falls midweek when dp is on an early so it saves hassle if I drop kids off. I don't have kids when he isn't here

@wellfuckmeinbothears
I never eluded to the fact I want those children to pretend I am mum or love me more than her. I am no dimwit. I want then to have the best relationship with both parents. I was merely looking for support on here, which you haven't really provided. I am fully aware of the face that I'll never be their mother, and kudos to you for being an amazing step mum. I just wish you'd have kept your extremely righteous opinion to yourself on this thread as it's people like you who make it hard for others who reach our for support. 👍🏻

@wellfuckmeinbothears
I never eluded to the fact I want those children to pretend I am mum or love me more than her. I am no dimwit. I want then to have the best relationship with both parents. I was merely looking for support on here, which you haven't really provided. I am fully aware of the face that I'll never be their mother, and kudos to you for being an amazing step mum. I just wish you'd have kept your extremely righteous opinion to yourself on this thread as it's people like you who make it hard for others who reach our for support.

I agree with other pp you seem more concerned in school gossip about a woman you never met which I find strange.

@Sparklingraspberry1 Someone on here recently recommended a book called "Say Goodbye to Crazy." It's a bit like Stepmonster in that it doesn't offer solutions as such, rather it explains how you can detach yourself from people such as your DP's ex. What is absolutely crucial though is that your DP needs to be 100% on board with you (as long as your expectations are reasonable of course) - without that your relationship is likely doomed anyway.

Believe it or not I am actually trying to help and advise. By sweating the small stuff like who she speaks to or sending them in clothes too small (not the best parenting but hardly a crime) and giving her so much head space you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of pointless fretting. I get that it’s hard, your partner has a past with her and it’s difficult not to let that influence your feeling towards her. Believe me, I’ve been there. But ultimately this is between your partner and her. Don’t get involved, let him deal with her. Don’t concern yourself with her actions because however good your intentions may be it will just cause upset for all. Be polite, be civil and focus on the kids. It’s nothing to do with you what they wear who she socialises with. If she’s mean or petty about you to the kids well that’s her fault and they’ll remember that you were able to be the bigger person. My dad bad mouthed my mum all the time, now I look back on it and remember how my mum never said a bad word about him (despite him leaving us for an OW) and how she had the moral high ground.

Just ignore, smile and be the bigger person and drop all the petty worries. The step kids will thank you for it when they’re older if you’re still around.

How long have you known him/been together?

She tells them she hates me, that I'm stupid and that their daddy will never marry me

Wouldn't it be good to prove her wrong.

(she's never met me) and tries to get kids to hate their dad
Parental alienation.

The kids are 7 and 5, and thankfully, they adore me.

So her tricks aren't working.

Constantly sends kids in scruffy clothes, ripped or too small

That's neglect. What is their father doing about it?

This isn't personal...but I sometimes think these things bother the stepmums more than the dads of these kids.

Is this how he's happy to continue.

If my Ex had my kids in scruffy small clothes all the time, I'd be tackling him with it.

Are the kids not assertive? I couldn't put scruffy clothes on my kids at that age ... they'd refuse and tell me its ripped. I know my 5 yo DN wouldn't go anywhere with scruffy clothes. She'd be telling Dsis it's ripped and horrible.

I'd be throwing away those small shabby clothes every time if I was the other parent...and it follow up by text confirming "I've thrown away the torn/small trousers Johnny was wearing when you dropped him today"...

I'd do that every single time...along with confirming the purchase of new school uniform.

What happens when he says you didn't pack their uniform and I need to come and collect it? Does she refuse? Ignore? Say she forgot?

I do believe people try this nonsense with those who let them get away with it.

Hopefully they'll soon be old enough to pack their own uniform.

What does ypur OH do about it?

@wellfuckme I get the not bothering about the exes social life. However you don’t seem to have intrusions directly into your life by a bitter Ex? Your own life seems protected. Mine is not. My life is directly affected. She phones DP late at night for example, while we are in bed, it’s an ‘emergency’ about the kids. Of course he’s asked her not to. She has poisoned my step children who after years of me looking after them, now ignore me, after she decided I was awful. That’s had a huge impact. She used to send the DSCs to my house, without even telling me, when she knew DP was at work and when it was her contact time. I would say please stop, she would tell the kids I didn’t like them. It’s ruined my relationship with my step kids.

Not in my marriage no but in a previous relationship. He had two kids and an ex wife who constantly demanded his time. Late night phone calls demanding he go over, with holding contact if he didn’t, bad mouthing me to anyone who listened. It was hard but the kids were more important than how I felt. So I do get it and I’ve probably phrased my posts harshly but I just find it frustrating how many posts like this there are.

@Wellfuckmeinbothears

I didn't mean what you thought I did from my post. Hey ho, never mind.

You sound very very angry.

and yet your husband chose her

Was that aimed at me? It was a previous relationship to my marriage. As I said.

Aimed at all of these kind of threads.
Is it really feasible that your husband, at some stage in his life, chose a wierdo/ nutter/ psychopath to marry, live and breed with?

Ah I see. Yes, I agree.

Aimed at all of these kind of threads.
Is it really feasible that your husband, at some stage in his life, chose a wierdo/ nutter/ psychopath to marry, live and breed with?

I sometimes think this too...but then I look at the number if women who equally choose to have children with dead beat, abusive good for nothing men.

People change...the Ex wives don't always start off crazy and the DH/DP doesn't always start off abusive...although they do in some cases.

Some people don't choose wisely...both male and female.

I don’t think my DPs Exwife is crazy or unhinged.

I think she’s quite effective in getting what she wants from life, and that includes telling her children to ignore me and treating my DP like her husband still. She’s not someone others instantly dislike, she works, has friends, a Bf and loves her children. She is close to her family.

I don’t think that most of these exwife women are really bad and mad. However I do think culturally they are allowed and even encouraged to undermine the Ex husbands new relationship, and to not allow her kids to feel it’s okay to like the SM. There’s also a lot to be gained from an ex, they can have free rein to get back at a partner that they don’t want to emotionally let go.

Just a short note on the clothes situation. It may well be that the DC's mum puts them in old clothes specifically to travel to you, as she doesn't expect to get them back from you (or wants to be perceived as thinking she won't get them back). If it winds you up, maybe just send them back in the same ones.

I don’t think that most of these exwife women are really bad and mad. However I do think culturally they are allowed and even encouraged to undermine the Ex husbands new relationship, and to not allow her kids to feel it’s okay to like the SM
Spot on @Bananasinpyjamas11.
With regards to my dp & his exw she cannot get her head around the fact that divorce is final. In her head he's having some sort of affair! She cannot see that if she wants a certain standard of living she needs to work for it; that it is not her exh's job to pay for her nights out, haircuts etc. She has been allowed to indulge this by her family who seem to think similar. Things are very much changing socially in Ireland but an old guard still exists that sees the 'first family' as sacrosanct as generally speaking the majority of these marriages would traditionally have taken place in a church!
What spurs on her 'crazy' & her fury is that I genuinely think she saw divorce as nothing more than her getting money into HER own bank acc every week to do with as she wished (ie no longer having to make mutual financial decisions with a man more financially cautious than her) & a brand new house & car, & that dp would still be on hand to bail her out (financially & in other ways) whenever she chose. 6 years in she's realized that he's moved on & that the money is not going to last forever as the kids will become adults & as a result she's gone to the wall.
She's miserable as he's no longer 'hers' & has been told by solicitors that their divorce was final & that she's not entitled to another penny & this has unleashed a fury in her that appears crazy.
I don't believe she was crazy when they first met. I believe she was lazy & entitled but disguised as sweetly helpless & yes her 'helplessness' probably stroked the ego of a young man in his early 20's who was running his own business & feeling somewhat 'macho'.
He evolved one way & she evolved in another & this is where we are now.

@Magda72 - exactly the same with my OH’s EW.

They’ve been divorced over 5 years and a consent order agreed 4 years ago. She actually texted him to say her mortgage had gone up and therefore he should pay more! Takes no finance responsibility for herself. Refuses to work more than 16 hours. Thinks my OH should support her. My OH pays 20% more than the CMS states amount - circa £9k a year. She recently asked him to purchase a pair of school shoes (as she didn’t have time). He’d given her an extra £150 that month for the children for uniforms and when he said he was going to deduct the £40 school item off that month the shit hit the fan. She even got the 12 year old daughter to text ‘why haven’t you paid mummy any money’. The sense of entitlement is unbelievable. I do think she still thinks she ‘owns’ him.

Interesting thoughts about the helpless young woman and a young man. I think this was my case in my OH’s ex marriage. She litterally couldn’t do anything on her own. I think my OH liked this at first but as the years went on he out grew it. I’m the complete opposite - completely financially independent, travel the world alone.

My advice - ignore, ignore, ignore. Don’t get involved.

Yes to the sweet helpless Ex who also made my DP feel strong and protective. Unfortunately it doesn’t stop! She is still needing ‘help’ to pay for anything online, and now his daughters are the same, eldest 25 now and DP pays for and orders his grandchild’s school books. (I did our child’s). It’s nuts. Our DPs need to change the dynamic to move on. Unfortunately mine hasn’t really.

Yeah agree to helplessness! I'm opposite to DPS ex. I have lived alone , independent travelled alone a lot including lived abroad and okay career. Very not interested in weak and helpless routine, not my bag. Both of his long term partners ex and gf after her before me ( divorced 6 years now) have been very helpless and needing rescuing - prob why he likes me as I don't. Though I think he finds it a big change sometimes

Interesting so many DPs chose differently second time around.

We all seem to be particularly independent compared to the Ex wives? I’m the same, very self contained, travelled on own, don’t ask for help. Although I found in the past that the only way to get through to DP that I was to be prioritised over his Ex was to be a bit helpless! I didn’t like having to frame it like that tbh.

Is it really feasible that your husband, at some stage in his life, chose a wierdo/ nutter/ psychopath to marry, live and breed with?

The amount of people who have met my XH and know what he did to me and are stunned I ended up with him is countless, ditto DP and his XW. She’s not spiteful to me, but she is a shit parent who deliberately hurts her girls because it suits her. DSD1 went home in absolute bits yesterday because of her Mum.

So while I think a lot of these types of posts are bullshit, equally I think a lot aren’t.

My XH would sink to any depths to make a point, any controlling abuser would. Women aren’t exempt from that.