Scared to tell adult stepdaughter I am pregnant?

[SeekingNoDrama]

I’m 40 and 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband is 54 and has two children from his first marriage, a son of 18 and a daughter of 21. He got divorced 6 years ago. My husband is scared about telling his daughter our news.

A bit of background: my stepdaughter is (and my husband agrees she is)spoilt and manipulative...she is not what you would call a “nice girl”. My husband says she has her mother’s genes! Whenever he speaks to her (generally to ask for money) she somehow turns him into a quivering wreck.

I have never had a cross word with my stepdaughter - nor will I ever. I had my own wicked stepmother and would never inflict that on someone else. I make sure I get on with her and always push my husband to spend more quality time with her (without me). Privately, I talk to my husband about her unacceptable behaviour towards me, him and other people and, it must be said, he is very disappointed with how she is turning out generally.

When we are all together I have always felt her relationship with my husband is weird and “false”... she is always hugging him with a vulnerable baby voice and he cuddles up to her...it is all a bit sickly. I asked my husband if they have always been like this and he has admitted she doesn’t really do it when I’m not there.

The big issue now is telling my stepdaughter about the baby. We anticipate a bad reaction.

Incidentally, I have a full sister but when I was 16 and 19, two half-siblings were born...and we could not be closer. They are ALL my brothers and sisters and I adore them all the same. I have therefore been in my stepdaughter’s shoes and am living proof of how well this can all work...it does not have to be bad news...it can be a beautiful thing.

I want to tell my parents and siblings about my pregnancy now but my husband doesn’t want me to tell anyone until his daughter knows (as I said, she makes him so nervous)! He is worried that they won’t keep it a secret (they will) and then she will find out from someone else which would forever damage their relationship. As I said, he seems to panic about her! The problem is she will DEFINITELY tell her mum and then the whole world will know before the 12 week scan. I guess that isn’t so much of a problem and if that’s how it has to be so be it.

But what I’d like to know is if any of you have any advice or tips on how the news should be broken to my stepdaughter. I think we should both tell her, presenting it as positive happy news. He wants to tell her alone so she can have a natural reaction. I think he would only be inviting problems.

Offering a different perspective here...

I am a similar sort of age to the step daughter and my dad is with a younger girlfriend (who I have a nice relationship with - we get on well) and I think he should absolutely tell her just the two of them. He is her dad, this will be a shock and a big thing for her to get her head around and she should be able to talk through it & process it with her dad, without having to paint on a smile and congratulate you straight away if that’s not how she feels. Hopefully it will give her time so when she does see you she can be adult about it and at least pretend to be happy for you, if not genuinely so.

I would be really upset if my dad didn’t take the time to tell me on his own and it would make me feel worse about the whole situation. Her primary relationship is with him, not you, after all.

I also think it wouldn’t hurt to be a bit kinder saying “so what” to the fact that she might be shocked - maybe try and give her a bit more compassion and it may be repaid back to you?

Omgoap - I mean this with the very best of intentions. You need to get your head around the fact that your father has a new partner and that his relationship with his new partner takes precedence over his relationship with his adult children.

If she was 14/15 then I'd get him telling her alone but she's 21! By then I'd moved out and had DD. She's an adult and should be able to handle her fathers relationship as an adult.

There's no need to make a drama out of it all with 'sit her down' and chats and excess showmanship. He just needs to ring her up and tell her.

Omgoap - interesting perspective. Id ask you though, why would you feel "worse" about the situation? Why is the news inherently "bad"? Should she not be old and mature enough to realise it takes nothing away from her father's love for her?

In terms of being kind and compassionate, I honestly could not be more so in my dealings with her. I am totally selfless and always visibly put her and their relationship first when she is involved as I would hate to be cast as wicked stepmother. I don't want her to feel subordinated to me as it's a recipe for resentment and once that's there, it doesn't go away. She doesn't deserve it and privately, I am not perfect and I do moan to my husband about how horrid she is, but I will never give her a reason not to like me.

You should tell your parents when it suits you. Not everything should be about his daughter - don't allow her to control your pregnancy.

Yes, it’s an exciting time and you should be allowed to enjoy that as any other mum-to-be would.

Oh for God's sake! This WOMAN is 21 years of age! Both she & your oh need to get over themselves. At 21 she should be far more concerned with her own life than what her df is up to & to be frank he needs to grow a pair!
And @Omgoap I too mean this in the best possible way but adult offspring (they are no longer children) should in no way take precedence over their parents relationships. Parents sacrifice more than enough (as is right & proper) for their children but should be allowed move forward with their lives without having to constantly explain themselves once children reach adulthood.
Honestly, we're in danger of raising a generation stuck in arrested development.

You should tell both of his children together I think. Again, minimise the drama by having a less highly strung sibling there too.

@MaryBoBary the other child is away travelling.

Should she not be old and mature enough to realise it takes nothing away from her father's love for her?
Except that it might very do. I was 20 when my half sister (but always considered as just a sister) was born. I was over the moon when my mum (not my mum and step dad) made the announcement however never did I expect then that I would very much lose my mum in the process.

My mum had never really been there for me as a kid as she was very much into a career. She grew full of regrets and decided to be totally different with my sister. She suddenly only breathed for her, every decisions involved what suited my sister, any discussions was about my sister or came back to her. She had no time for me at all and I gradually retreated away from her.

So no, her fears wouldn't be totally unfounded however that's not a reason to cause a scene or act all upset at the announcement.

Your oh needs to accept that if she's going to be upset, then so be it. I would however agree to wait until the 12 weeks scan.

Sorry for you @swingofthings . That can't have been nice and itself must have come as a shock.

However what I take from your comment is that you didn't start out expecting the worst. You didn't fear you would be relegated to second best. You received the news positively (as did I when I was told at 19 I was getting a new sibling.) So why should my stepdaughter start out as though it's bad news?

Absokutely! But if I had I would have been right. I just really didn't expect it. It was 25 years ago, I had time to understand it and my mum finally did acknowledge that she forgot she had another child who still needed her emotionally. I think it's when my sister became the age I was and was still so needy of my mum, much more than I was then that she realised.

It's easy to do though when you are given a 2nd chance to bring up a child as you wished you could have brought up your eldest (although now my mum says she made mistake with both! Don't we all though!

I guess I use the negative words using your first post as a benchmark of her expected behaviour as if doesn’t sound like she will be happy! Yes she should be mature enough but the way you paint her it doesn’t sound like she is. Obviously I’m only going off your post and trying to offer a different perspective compared to he majority on the thread. Food for thought perhaps...

My personal reaction and thoughts if it were me and my family would be different (though I admit I would cringe at the idea my dad had a child younger than his grandchild but that’s by the by) and I wouldn’t be negative and absolutely wish them the best, but I still would appreciate it if my dad took the time to tell me personally.

@Magda72 & user - I do absolutely let my father get on with his life and support him totally. We have a fantastic relationship and I genuinely am very happy he has a girlfriend and I really like her. my mother died when I was quite young so perhaps that makes us closer than average and my dad really is one of the most important people in my life. I was simply offering an alternative opinion on the situation posted - I’m not saying it’s how I feel or how I would react.

@Omgoap The reason we don't think she'll be happy is because she's so spoilt, entitled, selfish, and disrespectful on far too many levels for me to even go into. You'll just take me word for it. My husband is aware that she lies about even the smallest things and doesn't give a crumb of her time to anyone (including her father) unless it benefits her in some way. When she is around him, she puts on this weird daddy's little girl act which my husband only encourages by calling her sweet (forced sounding) pet names and dropping everything like a shot if she ever asks him to help her with something. It's all just weird! I stand by and bite my tongue in front of her. My husband knows it all isn't right but he says he has "this weak spot and softness" where she is concerned.

So, we think she will feel displaced and like her nose has been put out of joint. I think if I'm not there there will be tears and anger. How could he do this to her?! I think she will distance herself from her father to punish him. I think she will use it as another excuse to justify even more horrible behaviour and he will become even more accepting of her not working and taking liberties generally because he feels somehow guilty.

My husband says she has her mother’s genes!

Half her genes belong to her father who was resident with her to the age of 15. If she is unpleasant, he had a fair share in making her that way.

@ohreallyohreallyoh I agree technically but she really is nothing like her dad personality wise! He is a humble and not forceful person and he was completely bulldozed by his ex wife (who didn't work) when it came to indulging the kids so any attempts to nurture differently were always thwarted.

My father did and still does prefer my younger sister. He genuinely feels that we were his starter family and his second wife and daughter were/ are the loves of his life. I challenge anyone to be magnanimous in those circumstances. You would be wisely counselled to be generous emotionally in this.

And I agree that him saying that she is just like her mother is a huge cop out.

Don't tell anyone until 12 weeks.

Congratulations to you.

I’d tell her together. Your DH wants to be the sorry guilty dad so don’t let him!

My DP did the whole I’m sorry thing with his daughters and also his Ex. He made it clear it was solely my idea (it wasn’t!) Don’t let him apologize for your relationship.

Whenever, however she is told won't change a thing if her personality and issues are going to drive her reaction. There will no way to say it to make her think what great news this is and wanting to congratulate you.

Your oh needs to see it as something he needs to do. End of and deal with how reaction afterwards.

Considering it is almost certain she will take it badly, I really don't see what benefit it would bring for you to be there. If he needs moral support for this then something is wrong with his parenting.

Thank you EVERYONE for taking the time to respond.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 That's exactly what I'm worried about, that he'll be all apologetic or dampen his joy for her benefit.

@swingofthings you make an interesting point....what benefit is there for me to be there? I think it may just restrain her tantrum? Avoid a massive scene so she doesn't give her father anxiety and grief over it? Also, I will be expecting a not wholly excited reaction but can be understanding about that with her dad and show empathy and give reassurance, along with her dad, to help any bad feelings she might express ?

If she wants to make her dad know that your pregnancy upsets her dearly she will find a way to do it. She'll ask to see him alone afterwards and then throw the waterworks.

He is much better acting like a grown up parent and not show her that he needs your moral support to cope with her emotions.

@swingofthings oh I totally agree! She'll give him grief afterwards if not when I'm there.

I don't agree though that me being there is to give moral support to him, or that it comes across like that. The reason I want to be there is because I want to make sure the news is delivered positively and because it is "our" news. To show a united front as others have put it.

But making it your joint news is making it an announcement, clearly a happy one. If it is going to be bad news to her, making it an announcement is only going to make matters worse.

It needs to be delivered as a 'fait accompli' something new in her life that she can do nothing about, and that's much better delivered in a low key manner, by her dad alone.

Nothing stopping you getting all together afterwards if that helps her accepting the news. My mum and SD didn't sit with me to announce it, at that age I would have found this over the top. My mum told me as she would announce a new job, and that was that.

But her dad can’t deliver it that way. I agree with others that he will chicken out and phrase it as seeking really wanted ... I’ve all the dc any man could want in you amazing people, but now there will be a baby as wel, we will get through this....
And that would feel like betrayal. So who cares how she reacts, I’d tell her together Because it’s our happy news. I’d be so much more sympathetic if she were a child but the news is not that her best friend has died and I would not treat her as if it is.