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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Scared to tell adult stepdaughter I am pregnant?

64 replies

SeekingNoDrama · 01/10/2018 11:23

I’m 40 and 6 weeks pregnant with my first child. My husband is 54 and has two children from his first marriage, a son of 18 and a daughter of 21. He got divorced 6 years ago. My husband is scared about telling his daughter our news.

A bit of background: my stepdaughter is (and my husband agrees she is)spoilt and manipulative...she is not what you would call a “nice girl”. My husband says she has her mother’s genes! Whenever he speaks to her (generally to ask for money) she somehow turns him into a quivering wreck.

I have never had a cross word with my stepdaughter - nor will I ever. I had my own wicked stepmother and would never inflict that on someone else. I make sure I get on with her and always push my husband to spend more quality time with her (without me). Privately, I talk to my husband about her unacceptable behaviour towards me, him and other people and, it must be said, he is very disappointed with how she is turning out generally.

When we are all together I have always felt her relationship with my husband is weird and “false”... she is always hugging him with a vulnerable baby voice and he cuddles up to her...it is all a bit sickly. I asked my husband if they have always been like this and he has admitted she doesn’t really do it when I’m not there.

The big issue now is telling my stepdaughter about the baby. We anticipate a bad reaction.

Incidentally, I have a full sister but when I was 16 and 19, two half-siblings were born...and we could not be closer. They are ALL my brothers and sisters and I adore them all the same. I have therefore been in my stepdaughter’s shoes and am living proof of how well this can all work...it does not have to be bad news...it can be a beautiful thing.

I want to tell my parents and siblings about my pregnancy now but my husband doesn’t want me to tell anyone until his daughter knows (as I said, she makes him so nervous)! He is worried that they won’t keep it a secret (they will) and then she will find out from someone else which would forever damage their relationship. As I said, he seems to panic about her! The problem is she will DEFINITELY tell her mum and then the whole world will know before the 12 week scan. I guess that isn’t so much of a problem and if that’s how it has to be so be it.

But what I’d like to know is if any of you have any advice or tips on how the news should be broken to my stepdaughter. I think we should both tell her, presenting it as positive happy news. He wants to tell her alone so she can have a natural reaction. I think he would only be inviting problems.

OP posts:
BasilFaulty · 01/10/2018 11:37

She's 21 years old! Just sit her down both of you together and tell your DH to stop babying her, he'll do her no favours. She sounds very tiresome.

tickingthebox · 01/10/2018 11:39

Just don't tell anyone until 12 weeks.... that solves that issue - then tell them all at the same time.

Original poster
SeekingNoDrama · 01/10/2018 12:01

BasilFaulty - I doubt he'll allow me to be there. He feels he "needs to handle it carefully and sensitively"

OP posts:
Rageymcrageface · 01/10/2018 12:36

As long as "carefully and sensitively" doesn't mean making out that this isn't what he wanted! I'd be wary of letting him tell her himself, simply because he sounds absolutely spineless and may tell her what she wants to hear.

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 01/10/2018 12:42

Hey hunny, just to let you know you ars going to be a big sister, both seeking and I are happy and would love gor you to be happy for us!

At 21 that is as sensitive as needs to be. She isn't 5 and may have feelings of being pushed out as she is too young to understand that her dad will still love her just as much.

This is an adult! Like it, lump it, create drama but it doesn't change the fact that there will be a tiny baby soon

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 01/10/2018 12:43

Blinking typos! 😱 sorry, hope it made sense!

Uncreative · 01/10/2018 12:49

I’m watching with interest. I have adult step children and expect fireworks from one of them. We are waiting until 12 weeks to tell them.

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 01/10/2018 12:52

Tell her together. She needs to see you united in this and you need to know first hand how she reacts, not some toned down story after.

Cakecrumbsinmybra · 01/10/2018 12:57

I really think you should present the news together.

Pieceofpurplesky · 01/10/2018 13:05

Seems like he is the one with the issue - he should stand up and you should tell her together

sophiec123 · 01/10/2018 13:19

I think you should tell her together. He could alter words etc to make it "easier" on her.. don't mollycoddle her like he does- these are the facts, woohoo, move on.

HeckyPeck · 01/10/2018 13:33

If he won’t let you be there (which is very exclusionary and will make it look like bad news) I’d tell him I’m not interested in hearing about any reaction from her positive or negative and leave it for him to deal with.

If you don’t get a say in how/when he tells her then he doesn’t get one in how/when you tell your friends/family. I’d tell him I’m telling x, y and z on this date and let him sort his daughter out.

HeckyPeck · 01/10/2018 13:43

PS: congratulations!

Original poster
SeekingNoDrama · 01/10/2018 13:48

Thank you everyone. I'm relieved to find you all agree with my instinct that we should tell her together. I wondered if I was being insensitive.

I have spoken to my husband just now about us telling her together using the reasons you have all suggested (I.e. excluding me, important to present a united front, not wanting a toned down report, not wanting him to express mixed feelings, that it shouldn't look like bad news, she is an adult and babying her doesn't do her any favours etc). Whilst he has said he'll mull it all over and he does hear what I am saying and I make good points, he is clearly uncomfortable and still feels he should tell her on his own.

He said it will come as a real shock to her...I said so what? He explained he has never previously discussed the possibility of a baby with her. But again I said why should he have...it's between me and him?!

He generally isn't spineless....he just has this bizarre quite unhealthy weakness/guilt with her. I hear it's common with divorced dads (not that he has any particular reason in this case).

OP posts:
user1499173618 · 01/10/2018 13:52

Your DH is letting himself, and by extension you, be controlled by his adult daughter. This needs to stop. Your DH should probably see a therapist to work through this issue ASAP before it destroys your marriage.

MediocrePenguin · 01/10/2018 13:56

She'll act like a spoilt baby if she's treated like one. I'd agree with everyone else - tell her together as you would with any good news and don't give her the opportunity to kick off.

How can this be that surprising to her anyway?! Its just what normal couples do and you don't need her prior approval,

itsbritneybiatches · 01/10/2018 14:17

Tell her the way you would another adult and give her the chance to act like an adult about it.

If he tells her and tells her like he would a child and without you I think she will act like the spoilt brat she sounds like.

I have a 21 year old SS who is treated like a child by his father. I understand and I am now taking a similar line to you. Just sit back and let them get on with it.

madmum5811 · 01/10/2018 14:25

Even if they were not step children, they will think Dad is a dirty old man and Mum beyond the pale, trust me, been there got the t shirt.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 01/10/2018 14:31

You should tell your parents when it suits you. Not everything should be about his daughter - don't allow her to control your pregnancy.

Original poster
SeekingNoDrama · 01/10/2018 14:42

Madmum - HILARIOUS! Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
SeekingNoDrama · 01/10/2018 14:45

When I see him later, I'm going to tell him exactly that: he should tell her like an adult and give her the opportunity to behave as such. Good advice.

And re the therapist thing, it is something I've suggested to him myself!

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 01/10/2018 14:47

I agree tell her together. He will soften the blow with muttered ‘such a surprise’ that gives the impression he’s not ecstatic about it.
But, op, I’d wait till 12 weeks. I really hate to say it but it’s not worth the fallout If you’ve told her then get bad news at 12 weeks. Tell your family if you want but wait till 12 weeks to tell her.

sofato5miles · 01/10/2018 14:48

My father announced at his wedding that my SM was pregnant. I was 20, he was 50 and SM 27. It was beyond hideous.

TBH now, almost 50 my SS and I have a great relationship with her but that is only because when SM died and I was finally allowed to see her from when she was 17.

My family is incredibly dysfunctional Grin

BlowPoke · 01/10/2018 14:54

I actually wouldn’t wait til 12 weeks. I think it’s important that your DSD feels included and important. Letting her feel like she’s in on it before others would go a long way. In the event that something goes wrong she’ll probably just keep ignoring you like she always does.

Original poster
SeekingNoDrama · 01/10/2018 15:01

Blowpoke - I tend to agree. I have already suggested we explain we are telling her early so she can get used to the idea like us before the world knows, you know, to make her feel included. Having said that, there's no way she won't tell her mother and go dramatising to her friends so the world will definitely know!

But you know, so what? If the worst should happen, there is no shame. And if people know about it, again what real consequence does that have?

OP posts:
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