How do you handle it when your sd hates you.

[easylover]

I have 2 dsd's s dd and a ds of my own. I'm close to my own children and I get in pretty well with my oldest sd, but the younger one hates me, she doesn't know why, she was fine with me till the last year maybe. I've been in their lives for 6 years now and she turns 13 in a few weeks.

I'm really struggling with it as she lives here half the time. I cook her her favourite meals, cos she's very fussy, I do all the usual mum things like her washing, pick her up from school as she hates walking, I take her out treat her the same as all the others but I just get shouted at I hate you, bitch, everyone else helps tidy up after tea, not her she will just shout at me or be rude! I'm sick of it, my dh her (dad) tells her off even her mum is fed up of her behaviour but I still feel awful.

I don't know how to be with her, I've tried kind but firm. I've tried just ignoring her, I've tied talking we've all tried to communicate with her but nothing works for very long. She says she can't help not liking me, that's fair enough but I'm not a robot and I have feelings. I understand I'm the adult so I have to rise above it but I find that hard too.

Anyone been in a similar situation I don't know how to be with her or how to handle it.

I would go on strike insofar as all the little things you do for her are concerned. Have you discussed her behaviour with her dad? Either he can talk to her regarding her behaviour or you can both sit down and talk to her. Tell her that whilst she may dislike you he behaviour is unacceptable under your roof and she has to be civil to you.

Yeh we've sat down with her several times, but she doesn't communicate. We'll talk she says nothing and the behaviour continues. Her dad is supportive to both of us but things aren't changing. Would going on strike make it worse? Maybe if there's anymore of it I should try that but not sure dp would support it.

You have done something either intentionally or unintentionally that has caused this.
She is unable to say why or how or what it is because everyone including her Mum is too involved.

It is time for external non judgemental help for her to talk to and articulate her upset.

Anyone who says ban her, ignore her punish her is being stupid.

she needs a neutral party to talk to

Yes I agree and we are organising counselling for her, but I don't agree I've done something to cause this and I don't think it's stupid to have consequences for rude behaviour

I can only imagine how heartbreaking it must be but if you can try not to take it personally. It sounds like she is one of those poor teenagers who really have it hard emotionally probably with the kick off of hormones. I've never felt so much sympathy for how they feel since starting the monopause! It's amazing how it makes you hate the people you love most!

Continue as you are and try not to take it personally and keep faith that one say she'll turn around and tell you how much she appreciates all you've done for her and that she loves you very much.

Her dad needs to step in here and tell her that while she is entitled not to like you, her language and expression thereof is unacceptable.

My DS hates my ex’s partner, to the point he hasn’t stayed there now for around eighteen months. He has valid reasons for not liking her, however there is absolutely no way I would tolerate him calling her a bitch to her face or shouting at her that he hates her. And while teenage hormones can sometimes account for changes in feelings etc, changes in hormones are absolutely not an excuse for that kind of talk.

While I agree that banning her from the house is absolutely not a good idea, I do think that there should be consequences for shouting at you that she hates you or for calling you a bitch.

Could her mum talk to her about her reasons for the change in her feelings towards you? And more importantly would you/your dh be receptive to listening to her?

My DS has articulated his reasons to me but my ex doesn’t want to hear them even though they are perfectly valid reasons. However I think my ex does know, he just doesn’t want to admit it as he’s currently trapped in the relationship.

Equally my DS has become more critical of my own partner as he has grown into a teenager, and again, while I absolutely would never tolerate his being rude, I have listened to him and taken on board what he has to say.

There needs to be middle ground here. It may b a phase or it may be that there is a valid reason for her feelings. Either way she needs to be listened to, but she also is of an age where she needs to start to learn that while it is perfectly ok to not like someone, it is not mature to name call and expect to be then taken seriously.

I told my SD she really didn’t have to like me , but she did have to have manners when she was in my home.
Please don’t try to win her round by doing extra treats with her. It will make her feel backed even more into a corner.
If it’s any help we have survived the teenage years !

She is 13. This probably not really about you. You are just the easiest target for her hormone rages. It will pass.

Grit your teeth. Be as understanding and supportive as you can. But absolutely do not stand for disrespect. No one in your own home should be able to verbally abuse you, no matter who they are.

Thank you you all speak sense, I want to listen to her but she doesn't tell us anything she does shoves her shoulders, she's always been like that. I'm giving her some slack cos her age but it's all very draining

I'd stop picking her up from school. If my own daughter did that I wouldn't entertain it...so why would I with a step child.

I'm sure she stays away from horrible people at school....who would swear at her.

Actions have consequences.. she's not getting any.

Why grit your teeth while being called a bitch? That's why kids get away with allsorts...parents let them.

I'd talk to your OH and tell him until she respects you....you won't be going out of your way to do anything for her.

I could cook at 13. Let him or her prepare her special meals.

It's normal at her age but it will pass. I borrowed ' How to speak to teens so they will listen' from the library and found that helpful. I think if she didn't have a sm she would be directing this behaviour to her dm or ddad so she's closer to you than you might think. If she doesn't know why then I'd say it's hormonal. You sound like a lovely sm who cares even though you're tearing yr hair out at the moment! Easy for me to say but just try not to take it personally. You are the universe that she's irritable with at the moment if that makes sense.

Op if it helps my sister's step son was alike this and now at 17 adores her and lives with her full time.
Some of it will be trying it on and hormones. Swearing at anyone regardless of what they have done/who they are isn't acceptable and that needs tackling by her father at least. Anyone who says swearing at an adult shouldn't have consequences is wrong!
Discipline is done through father eg he sits down and says xyz have authority to discipline you in my home as I have agreed the rules with them. Same as a babysitter, teacher or extended fmaily mmeber would.
Good luck!

I've been in a very similar situation. At around the same age my SD decided she hated me. She would stop coming over for periods and then come back again, it was really hard and hurtful. I'd been in their lives for about 7 years at that point. She's 16 now and things have improved somewhat over the last year. I tried all kinds of approaches including talking to her with her mum, sending her card, giving her space etc. I think really it's just been time. She has really struggled with her teenage years, hormones etc have affected her mental health and emotional well-being and I've been an easy target to hate. She's always struggled with her parent's separation more than her brothers so I think some of that was being acted out. I think some was guilt at liking me and so she lashed out at me. Some may have been me and my parenting style so I tried to leave it all to her dad at that time. Most of it was, as I said, just being someone she could centre those feelings of anger on. Its really tough as you don't have those deep reserves of unconditional love to draw on in the same way as you do with your own. But just giving her time and space when she needed it seems to have worked. Sadly I don't think I'll ever feel the same about her as I do her siblings (my SDS and my DD) as it has been heartbreaking at times, but we are (touch wood) getting on better again now and there are moment's of warmth again which are lovely. In terms of advice I have very little apart from just being kind to yourself. We made sure she had plenty of 1:1 time with her dad which served the purpose of giving her positive attention and me some space away to do nice things with my friends etc. I'm sure things will improve in time just a not very fun waiting game.

Just to add me and DP very much had each others backs throughout it and talked about how to approach it regularly. As others said we wouldn't tolerate her swearing at me etc. Generally I left it to DP to speak to her about it. As she got a bit older she was able to reflect on it more and would sometimes give quite heartfelt apologies but we never forced an apology as that seemed counter productive.

Yeh she's been made to apologise before but she doesn't seem to know what she's apologising for. I kind of don't see the point sometimes. Her dad does sit and talk to her and I have tried to encourage her to have time with her dad without me but she'd rather just sit in her room and hate us all.

I do think her mum has had something to do with it, she became very jealous when we first moved in together, she caused a lot of trouble and told a lot of lies about me to her daughters which of course they believed. We got through it, now her mum has settled down and we get on better, but I think it's given her a reason to hate me, if she needs one. It's hard though as said you don't have bungles of unconditional love for a step child , I care about her hugely and when she's been bullied in the past I've taken it on myself to sort it out she seemed appreciative but it never lasts I'm enemy number 1 pretty quickly.

If you think it could be in part to do with the exp, could you make more of a show of having a united front with her and show your sdd that you get along on and her see you agreeing about this behaviour etc? Unfortunately though I think generally there probably isn't a lot you can do just give yourself space away when you need it, be kind to yourself, work together with your DP, be clear on boundaries and have DP enforce them and dig in for the next year or two! 😁

What's missing is consequences.
Your DP talking to her in not a consrquence..she doesn't care what he is saying and it's not working.

If she calls you names you should stop doing things for her. If she wants to sit in het room and hate you that's her prerogative but the next time she swears at you or starts shouting at you she should lose something. A phone maybe.
She will kick off BIG time..but will think carefully before doing it again.

I read the book stepmonster recently and it suggested that sometimes the more they find you appealing the more they will have a strong dislike reaction out of a combination of loyalty to their mother and hormones.

I cant remember what it said to do in this situation but it might be worth a read?

I think there is something in that ham, thank u for the recommendation.

I'm just wondering should it definitely be her dad to give her whatever consequence, is it wrong for the step parent to do that?

That will just look as though he has the only say on anything and wont give you the respect you deserve. You will obs need to discuss it with him first to ensure he will back you up. You are both parents to her whether step or not. If she was at a friends house wouldnt she be expected to follow the rules of their house and the parents.

It's difficult isn't it I don't know whether that will make her respect me more or less. Currently I ignore a lot of things but I just say something if she's rude to me but then the last time I just said nothing ignored it but felt like shit all night.

There's little things that annoy me but I think no pick your battles! Like she'll come from school eat loads of junk food, then I cook something she's requested for tea and she'll say I'm not coming down I'm not hungry and I'm doing my makeup, she will then come down later and eat more junk food and the dinner goes in the bin. All other kids have come down eaten whatever is cooked for them cos they all know the other one is fussy. They then all help to tidy up while madam sits upstairs doing her makeup on you tube .....drives me bloody mad. Sometimes the dad says something sometimes he doesn't.

Hi @easylover - ok she has hormones & is struggling with the teenage years - who doesn't? but that does not excuse her behaviour!
I posted on another thread this morning about how children of divorced parents often get way too much attention (of the wrong sort) & this is a prime example. She has everyone - all 3 adults dancing around her & is dominating the whole household!
I don't believe that teenagers have to be awful & have/still am reared/rearing 3 of my own & I'll tell you if any of them behaved like that there would be consequences.
When my 3 were going through the door slamming/rude phase I told each of them that if they were genuinely angry or upset talk to me as I can't help them if I don't know what's wrong, but that no swearing, yelling or disrupting their siblings would be tolerated. I pointed out to them that I get hormonal every month & don't yell at them, & my two house rules are no attitude & no lying - treat the people you live with with respect.
You and your dp need to present a united front here & start explaining to her that her behaviour will have consequences. Don't stop doing things for her as that will only make her feel more 'special', but do impose consequences for swearing, not helping after dinner etc. And, only do for her what you do for the others.
If there's something else going on hopefully a counsellor will get to the heart of it.
I'm sure she has been very affected by her parents separation & while that may excuse her feelings & her behavior it doesn't mean her behaviour should go unchecked.

From your latest post it sounds like she doesn’t really face any consequences for her behaviour and her dad lets her get away with it. If he’s not on board then you’ll not have much luck in my experience.

From your examples:

Don’t buy junk food so it’s not there to eat. (Her dad needs to be on board with this too.)

If she doesn’t eat dinner she specially requested then I’d make the same meal for everyone the next night. I’d explain it’s because she didn’t eat it last time and it’s a waste of food/time/effort.

If she doesn’t eat dinner she can have fruit/a sandwich (which she can get for herself) but definitely not junk food.

I’d have a reward system for helping tidy up etc and if she doesn’t do it she wouldn’t get whatever treat the other two do. It might not encourage her to do it, but at least it’s not so unfair on the other two.

If she swore at me then I’d expect her dad to give consequences i.e loss of phone, screen time or whatever would work.

Is she able to walk home from school? If she swore at me and didn’t apologise I most certainly wouldn’t be picking her up if she’s able to get home on her own. It’s a favour and in life people don’t go out of their way for people who swear at them and say they hate them. That’s a valuable life lesson.

Try not to let it get you down OP it probably is just a phase, but teenagers only get through these phases with support and boundaries from their parents. It’s not your failure if her dad won’t help her through the phase. All you can really do it not let her walk all over you and ensure things are fair for the other children I think.

She calls you a bitch? That’s extreme and totally out of order. It doesn’t sound like her Dad does any parenting.

She needs very firm consequences for that. If she doesn’t help no one else does, she has no treats and is sent to her room.

The message we’ve always given the step-children is that you don’t need to love or like your step-parent but you must be polite and respectful at all times (and, of course, the step-parents need to be polite and respectful too!). If you are not, there will be consequences (removal of treats, electronics, grounding etc).

What consequences is you DH giving his daughter when she isn’t respectful to you? An apology doesn’t cut it, there needs to be a meaningful consequence.

Ours now have really positive, loving relationships with their step-parents but they has been allowed to develop those at their own pace, rather than feeling they must love them, iyswim.