Soon to be SD has disowned DP

[starsandstuff]

DP and I have been together 4 years. He has 2 adults daughters - 37 and 34 (he's 60s I'm 40s). The oldest has refused to ever meet me or let me meet her child. She was 30 when her parents split, we got together a couple of years later. She says she'd never forgive him for "walking out on us" (she didn't live at home then and already had her child). At Christmas he tried again to ask her to let me meet them and she stopped speaking to him. She let him visit DGC once a week or so but only to take her out, he wasn't allowed in the house. Complication - she has refused her xP access to the child all her life. The ex is a psycho fixated now on DP and has made threats against him (they've never met, DP has never done anything to him).

DP proposed last week and he tried all week to arrange to meet the child so he could tell DD in person that we're getting married but she kept saying it didn't suit.

In the meantime he told his older daughter. She has always been accepting of us and her and I occasionally text each other and she has been friendly. He rang her to tell her and she was not happy which surprised and disappointed him. She's pregnant and rings him every day with updates but this stopped. She's avoided him since then except to say her blood pressure is high.

Tonight DP tried again to meet DGC and tell DD but she said no. After a couple of texts she said it was despicable that he told other DD on "a cowardly phone call" and "made her ill" (this is rich because she doesn't speak to her sister and has also banned her from contact with her child at times and in general has no interest in her wellbeing), that she had no interest in anything he does or has to say, and not to contact her again as she "no longer has a father".

Im totally gutted for him. He's been nothing but supportive over the years to both of them. She has cut him off and may stop him seeing his DGC who he loves. I'm hurt that I'll never meet her but nothing I can do about that. I'm angry that he's put up with a lot of stuff because of her I don't even want to go into, the most recent being this stuff with her ex that has nothing to do with him and she's not even speaking to him!

I'm just venting. I wish the two of them would just grow up. Yes it's sad when families split up - mine did and both parents had new relationships and I was just a teenager and dealt with it - but to essentially wish your father dead just because he has a relationship with someone else I think is horrible especially when some people would love to have their fathers still around. I hope the younger one comes around. She was maybe fine when I was the girlfriend but not the wife. But she's also engaged to someone with the same age gap and adult kids of his own so how can she not understand?? I get it on one level but on another...I really just don't.

It's a shame, but dp will have to try to disengage as far as possible. He has reached a stage in his life when he doesn't need all this spite from these manipulative people. If they won't be family for him, you and yours will have to take their place. I wonder if they are concerned about any inheritance?

In the meantime he told his older daughter.

It was his younger daughter he rang and who has always been ok with us, until now.

Your / his only option now is to step back and wait for things to change. The younger one sounds like she feeds off the drama of being pursued and begged, so don't give her that anymore. The other one may come round but it's more likely if he doesn't push it for a bit.

I wonder if they are concerned about any inheritance?

I don't know about that. He settled for very little in the divorce (his solicitor made him sign a disclaimer basically saying he was ignoring their advice to go for half of everything). There was a property jointly owned that was signed over to both daughters instead of being sold and split - his idea - so as far as he's concerned they have their inheritance already although I don't know if they'd agree. We live in a house that I own. The only thing he has is his pension and income from a pension share he got in the divorce.

I expect that what she perceives is that her DF left her DM in their 60s for a much younger woman, closer to their age than their DF's.

I wonder how their DM coped and what she thought about being left in her later years. After presumably supporting him and their DC all her life. And how her retirement looks different to what she pictured.

I'm not saying they're right, just that this is one of those situations where the position you are standing makes all the difference.

I do get that, except they were split up a couple of years before we got together. They'd been having issues, she suggested divorce first. She was very high achieving career wise, he supported her a lot. I'm sure it was difficult for her don't get me wrong. But DDs a very public campaigner for the freedom to love who you choose so the hypocrisy of "unless it's your own Dad" pisses me off. It's a very annoying quirk of timing that we met at these ages, we'd both much rather we were both 20 believe me, but we can't do much about that.

He needs to stop trying and making an effort.

They don't get to tell him who to marry and all this emotional manipulation, witholding contact and GC....they are not worth staying in touch with if they can't be happy for their father who by the sounds of it has given them A LOT...possibly too much which may be the reason they are entitled unpleasant adults..

Are you so sure they were totally split though. I think a lot of resentment and anger comes from lies told during that 'Grey' period when one party consider the separation just a break to readjust the marriage and is led to believe this to be case to for the other party although they are testing the waters with someone else.

In the end you only have your OH words for what happened. If the girls had to cope with seeing their mother devastated that could explain their attitude.

Is the oldest closest to their mum? Saying that she wanted to divorce means little. She could have thrown this during an anger spat when he was already seeing you.

If the break was definitely clean then it sounds like the eldest never accepted the break up of their parents. The only thing to hope is that she'll get over it with time.

I just worry that they'll never get over it. Well maybe the younger one will come around but not the older one. I don't think it's as much to do with being close to her Mum as being generally self-obsessed (there is a lot of background stuff). I have sympathy up to a point but after that, we'll, if she can't deal with what's a sad but fairly common life event at 37 when will she? I have nightmares about meeting her for the first time at DPs funeral and her pushing me out.

Pushing them won't hurry things up. Probably the reverse. Leave them to deal with it in their own time. You have to accept too that depending on scheduling that means they may not come to the wedding.

What is the age gap between you and the step-daughters?

My mum died over 10 years ago and my dad (in his 70s) has dated (inc one ill advised proposal) since then. It has, generally, been OK otherwise. I would, though, seriously struggle with a 'step-mother' close to my own age. When he mentioned he was beginning to seek out a relationship I did say I would struggle in regard to this one specific issue.

There is something very unsettling about a father choosing to be with someone the age of his own daughter.

There is 19 years between us. I'm 6 years older than the oldest. I do get that's an issue for some people. There is an age gap between my DF and his DP so it never seemed that strange to me. But also the age doesn't matter to me personally - none of us ever really feel older on the inside and so I relate to him as the person he is, not the age he is. But even leaving that aside, and understanding that the gap can be hard for some people - younger daughter has exactly the same gap between her and her own DP! He has adult kids too. I'm angry st the oldest daughter for hurting him, but I'm disappointed and hurt with the younger one when she should at least know the position we're in because she's in the same one and everyone has been supportive of her.

So, she is 37 and you are 43?

I personally would really struggle with that. You and she are of the same generation - you could've been at school at the same times. It's conflicting because I want to see my Dad find some happiness. Not sure how I would reconcile it.

I understand what you say about feeling the same inside. I'm in my early 40s too. I feel much the same as a decade ago bar the total exhaustion of young children!

@stargirl1701 I do understand, really. But at least you're saying you would like your Dad to be happy and you night at least try to reconcile it, even if you couldn't manage it. She has no interest in her Dad's happiness. And to me, telling your Dad "I have no father now" is the same as wishing him dead and I just think that's despicable. I don't know how you can say that to someone, whether you disapprove of their relationship or not.

I would imagine that it is the difference between divorce and death. My Dad was widowed rather than divorced. He had no choice in what happened.

I would say she is very, very angry and this issue is a way of displaying that anger.

She needs to get over herself.

assuming you wont get away with throttling them, can well understand the need to vent, not a lot you can do about older one she has no reason to change, and really doesn't seem like you can get anyone else involved or she'll just cut them off too, but I think younger one might just be a knee jerk reaction to fact that this may take the focus of her engagement and pregnancy maybe she just needs a bit of reassurance that dad isn't going to be distracted from either of these , after all she's 34 getting married then hears dads getting married too, and while its irrational to not see same age gap in her relationship, still it must be odd to have a SM that's maybe only a decade older. Cant hurt to make sure she knows your both very excited about the new baby and all her wedding plans if she has any, and fuss about her a bit over blood pressure, I suspect she will come round.

And don't worry about first meeting at funeral, that's easy sorted you just make sure to personally invite her then she'd have to avoid it!! I joke

@stargirl1701 Sorry, I should have acknowledged the loss of your mother. That's a bigger thing to deal with than petty dramas. I do wish you and your Dad well.

Och, it's been more than decade and no longer raw. It's just passing wee moments.

What you describe is not drama. It's a dysfunctional family. I think, though, it's not your responsibility to 'fix'. Just listen to your DP if he wants to talk about it. They are all adults. They could make different choices if they wanted to - all 3 of them!

@BlackrockMum Thanks - I do just need to vent. I know they have their feelings and I try to bear that in mind but sometimes I just want them to be happy for him and wish they'd wise up. He's been through so much and he's a lovely man and his only 2 kids don't give a crap about him. Plus I'm genuinely scared her ex will harm him which seems doubly unfair given that she won't even have anything to do with him

Thanks @stargirl1701. I know all I can do is be there for him. I hate not being able to fix things which is my own stuff. I'll just have to live with being the wicked stepmother!

Is it likely the ex has been told stuff about your Dp which is why he is threatening?

You seem to have walked into a toxic situation and that will be something you have to deal with. Having left someone with a toxic family I would never choose to put myself through it again.

Does your Dp speak to his ex wife? If the youngest has been reasonable before he could try to reach out to her and see if her objections are rational..perhaps offer family therapy.

Your dp will need to take some responsibility for his relationship with his daughters, does he reflect on what it could be? I would be very cautious if he shows no insight.

Seriously, you both need to let them get on and try and get over themselves. No - they don't need to be given any consideration here. They are all grown adults who need to accept they other grown adults have the right to have relationships with whoever they damn well like. No one has the right to dictate their parents lives because for whatever reason it doesn't suit them. Be that age or any other 'issue' (race/religion etc) People need to grow up and judge people on their characters - no other factors are relevant. Even age as long as they are consenting adults.

Sadly the only person to really suffer in all this is your DP and his DGC . Sorry to say this may have to be the way things go as the rest of his family are hysterical drama queens feeding off each other.

My advice is battern down the hatches. Do not engage with any of them. Enjoy each other and your marriage . Leave these 'kids' to grow up and only open the door to them when they apologise for such appalling behaviour.

DDs ex hates her guts and has taken against DP as he has access to the child while ex doesn't. It's nothing to do with anything DP has done except love his DGC. He has no idea that DP is divorced or that he and DD haven't been on speaking terms and he barely even gets to see the child, and that now that might stop altogether. The irony of that is killing me.

He has always had a great relationship with younger daughter. It's why he's very hurt and surprised at her reaction. Oldest daughter is difficult with everyone.

I love DP and I'm not marrying his family. I wish things were different but however difficult it is it doesn't affect me apart from being hurt and sad for him. I would never leave him. I'm glad you got out of your difficult situation though.