Child Contact

[ThatsNotMyBakedPotato]

Hi I was wondering if someone could please advise. This is a bit of a long post so apologies in advance. Have NC for this post.

My partner has mediation with his ex over the contact arrangements for their 7 year old soon. For the past 6 years they've had no set arrangement in place and it has just been them sorting it out between themselves every week. However my partner (for various reasons I won't go in to) is now looking for a firm contact plan to be in place.

Originally he proposed EOW Friday from school until Monday to school and one night every week after school for a couple hours. (Plus 50% holidays) His ex rejected this on the basis that:

A) She did not want DSD going away with his without saying goodbye to her first so pick up would have to be her house on a Friday at 8pm when she gets in from work

B) She would have to be returned Sunday night as DSD has a school routine that needs to be followed

C) He can see her a night after school every week but it won't be set as they never know what they're doing so this would have to be arranged on a weekly basis. (No issue with the 50% holidays)

So thats what has been happening for the past 6 months, and it is working...ish. But my partner feels like he wants to be more involved in his daughters life than just Disney dad EOW and afterschool as and when, and wants this to still be changed to something nearer the original proposal if possible to allow him to do school drop offs / homework.

At mediation he is going to propose that if ex does not agree to Fri - Mon then he would prefer Sat morning - Mon morning instead of the current Fri night - Sunday night meaning he can do the school drop off, and at least have two FULL day and nights with her instead of getting her here on a Friday night purely to put her to bed, and then Sunday we can never really do anything decent because she has to be returned home by X time.

He also wants a set night through the week - and would prefer if this was an overnight rather than just after school as he would like to get her involved in a club or class perhaps around this area (DSD has mentioned she'd really like to go to an acting class and there is one near here on a Wednesday night for example) where she can have something him and her do together (not possible with the EOW set up for obvious reasons) and also allow her to make friends around this area for during the holidays etc. Also to again do the homework / school drop off etc.

His ex is unlikely to agree because she's said before overnights with school the next day are not allowed at all ever.

But does this sound like a reasonable proposal? In peoples experience does the "EOW and one night through the week" usually extend to an overnight through the week or is it usually just for tea etc?

In actual fact he would like much more contact than this, but it is his understanding that this is the "standard amount" given in court and to be honest his ex is unlikely to agree to even that amount.

He wants to avoid court.

Sorry for the long post!

Lots of magistrates (who would make the decision in court if it came to it) are against children staying overnight on a school night. They are only persuaded that it is a good idea when the parents communicate well about the minutiae of PE kit, reading books, fancy dress days and so on. And of course parents who do that don't generally end up in court.

If its mediation he needs to be asking for more than he wants as it will end up being pulled down - why is he not starting at 50/50 - more and more this is being awarded.

I agree that it sounds like court might be inevitable. Your DP isn’t asking for anything unreasonable. As PPs have said it’s more and more common to do 50:50 and what he’s asking for is a lot less than that. Its not like she’ll be having to get up earlier for school as she’s in breakfast club when she’s at her mums. Sounds like the best plan to avoid conflict at handovers and to help DSD get a better bond with her dad. Good luck OP!

I am so sorry your partner and dsd have to fight to have a good relationship, if it was the other way round it would be very hard to understand a mum excluded so much. I will say have your partner to ask for what he really wants, and you can work from there, if it has to be reduce it can be done. Dont give a s:###t about comments like the first you got, it was rubbish, we are talking about a father wanting to be involved in his child live, no of he having her more is gonna make the ex partner have less maintenance... One day a week over night is perfectly doable. Good luck.

Myself and my ex went to court.

We currently have -:

Every other weekend with dad (Friday - Monday) pickup and drop off at school.
Then a Monday over night - when it is not his weekend.
50% split of holidays.

We had this made in court - against my daughters wishes - to avoid conflict around drop offs etc. It's currently being reviewed as dd is so unhappy and has been communicating this to the school.

If her mum won't agree / refuses mediation then it is perfectly within the court remit to get what he has asked for.....as long as her dad is able to do collections & drop offs at the school for the majority of the times.

@GeorgeTheHippo thank you for that point. That is the opposite of what they are so good to know...I don't think any of them would deny communication is awful.

@AshTreeThree thank you for your advice. Realistically 50/50 wouldn't work and probably wouldn't be in DSD interests at this point... I worry if asking for it might be self sabotaging? Given the history and work a 70/30 split would be best he thinks. Ex would say 99/1.

@heckypeck thank you, and thank you again! 😅 I agree he isn't asking for anything unreasonable but it's all relative hence me putting it out there. I don't think he has a case for 50/50 as much as I'm sure everybody (DSD mainly) would love that given the "status quo" that has been in place all this time. Which is a shame because he's been led to believe he's secondary by ex. If he'd known he could have seen her 50% he'd have taken it at the time. But 6 years down the line (after having had counselling etc) he's now aware more of how much more time his daughter could have had with him which hasn't been permitted.

@Madlife thank you! I think it is too, but I know he'll have a fight on his hands to get it. If the whole situation just generally was reversed it would be out and out police involved abuse. She's physically grabbed DSD away from him at a handover (as in handing over to HIS time) and frequently swears and shouts at him (SD cries and tells her "mummy stop", repeatedly goes in to his house at handovers and refuses to leave, etc) She's the resident parent though. He puts up or doesn't see his child.

This is not one of these normal threads with a dad looking to do one over on mum. This is a dad wanting to see his child. No ulterior motive (to the point he's been so passive over the years to his own determent) When she's with us they curl up together like cats on the couch and they're totally at peace in each other's company. Last mediation EX said to him that she knows he's a good dad and child loves being with him, but she "wants to be the most important in child's life" Can't say more for fear of outing!

@FinallyFree123456789 thank you for that.
My partners ex has agreed to mediation in principle so we can see how she responds to the proposals. It's likely she won't agree but he can take it from there

I don’t know I think this really is a small change and if all it’s going to do is provoke conflict then why do It? It’s like there’s a power play going on. He’s not going to feel more of a Dad from one more night? Also, I imagine that it’s better for the kids to have their school routine on a Sunday night with their Mum.

If there is conflict at the doorstep then get them to come out as he waits outside in the car and vice versa.

Are the kids happy at their Mums? Does she look after them? Then don’t be angling for 50/50 just to feel more of a Dad. A good Dad does what’s better for the kids.

Another vote for going to court.

It's not only about how many nights he gets- it's about him not having to ask her permission every time. The current dynamic is sustaining the ex's belief that contact is hers to give and take away. A court order would make everything clear- if anything it would reduce the opportunities for conflict, as the key decision as to how much time DD should spend at each home has already been made.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 He wouldn't go for 50/50 because it wouldn't work and it wouldn't be in her best interests to have as big a change as that. The point is that right now their arrangement is EOW and 50% holidays. So for most of the time it's 2 weeks between each contact he has. They don't do phone contact because again it's too much conflict arranging and during the calls ex used to use it as an opportunity to start arguments so he had to stop that. The other thing is that even though it's EOW, ex makes plans for his time and then tells him he has to change things "because of being flexible" (which is fair enough) but it means plans he has made have to be cancelled. To give you an idea he's been doing Sat morning - Sunday night since June (until it's built up to Friday night - Sunday next month) and in that time 65 hours has been taken off him due to missed weekends / days / asking for her back early.

DSD does seem happy at her mums, and she does look after her. The only issue is that she wants to keep her for herself (previously she's described her daughter as her other half who she doesn't want to share in her own words)

@dizzyheightshotel I fear it may be the only option going to court as they have so many issues they'd probably be in mediation for years. You've hit the nail on the head regarding the contact, that's worded it better than I could have and is 100% accurate.

I agree it does need to go to court and set in stone until DD is much older and it's her (not Mum) that wants the flexibility.

I suggest your DP explains he wants 50:50 but recognises that isn't feasible to his EOW and every x night overnight each week is a big compromise and what is needed bearing in mind she has sabotaged phone contact etc.

It sounds more than reasonable to me. His Ex is being controlling. She best bear in mind digging her heels in could backfire and she'll get less time.

Your OH is trying to be more involved in his DDs life and I see only good can come from that.

We used to have DSD from school on Friday and I would drop her off on Monday in her clean uniform.

It was never an issue. Any permission slips were dealt with, a text would be sent to mum detailing that. I don't see that spending a school night at the dads house can be detrimental to the child unless the dad is an absolute dick who has no routines in place and thinks it's fun to let them stay up half the night.

If this was the other way round then it would be cries of 'oh mum should have the chance to take her own child to and from school'.

Dads need the chance too.