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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Realising my OH is a lazy dad

28 replies

ChocolateCupcake123 · 24/08/2018 15:47

I’ve been with my partner a couple of years, he has a son who’s 8.

We have him fairly often, and OH takes him to cinema/soft play/park etc but I’m beginning to see that he’s actually quite a lazy parent and it’s worrying me! (We are thinking of having our own soon)

He does whatever for an easy life ....
cinema means not having to entertain him for a few hours,
Park OH can just sit on his phone,
Soft play SC runs off on his own.

If we’re at home he’ll let him sit on his xbox or iPad for hours on end. He lets him stay up until 10/11pm because he can’t be bothered to put him to bed. We’re on holiday atm and he won’t get in the pool with him, won’t play any games with him so SC is clearly bored and acting up to get his dads attention!

But I feel like I don’t have any kids so I’m not in a position to judge! Do you think I should be addressing this with him or is this modern parenting?

I love my step son but this lazy parenting is turning him into a clingy-bratty kid!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

WineGummyBear · 24/08/2018 16:36

I think you are right to reflect on all of this before embarking on having kids together.

If you have a baby together and he continues to dodge all of that stuff presumably you will be expected to pick it us so someone puts the child to bed and takes them swimming.

Sorry OP but at least you have spotted all this now. You only need to look at the relationships board to see how many people discover this about their partner after the children are born.

Oblomov18 · 24/08/2018 17:43

I'm quite a lazy parent. I like doing all the things you mention: cinema, soft play etc.

All my friends are constantly taking their kids to this activity or that. I work 3 days, ds2 at holiday club for those days, so on my 2 off, during the holidays, 1 day off being at home, washing and ironing, total x box for hours, another day just about managing a bike ride and an ice cream is about as exciting as it gets.

HavelockVetinari · 24/08/2018 17:51

Yikes, I wouldn't have DC with him that's for sure, that's piss-poor parenting.

Anuta77 · 24/08/2018 18:02

I'm pretty lazy too, but I force myself to do activities. I used to go to park with my son when he was little almost every day, to libraries at least once per week. I'm not into board games or playing with kids and my son complained about it many times, but I explained to him that I'm better taking care of kids than playing. Instead, I would arrange playdates with other kids, i.e. I compensated.

All this to say that despite being lazy, I still took care of my son. He still had a schedule and had kids to play with if I couldn't (or didn't feel like it).

Before I had my son with my ex, I noticed that he would bring him home, but not really doing much with him. I wasn't a parent, so I also felt that I couldn't judge. At least, he was regularly picking him up, so I thought it made him a good father. We lived with his parents and it was mostly his mom who took care of food, etc. I helped him with homework, etc. Well, when we had my son, he didn't do anything for him. We live in different countries now and he can't even call him regularly. So yes, listen to yourself. If you have kids with him, it's going to be like that too. With you SD, you can disengage, but with your own kids, all the responsibility will fall on you.

runningscare · 25/08/2018 20:23

Depends on how you want to raise a child... I am not a fan of lazy parenting. I don't think there's anything worst then shipping your children out to sleepovers ... play dates ... soft play so you don't have to actually have parent.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 25/08/2018 20:25

All those things are absolutely fine in moderation but if that's all he does, then yes, it's shit.

Not even getting in the pool with him ffs.

Flipflop789 · 25/08/2018 20:27

If what you see now isnt what you would want for your own childs father...get out now. He is not gunna be any better 2nd time around and this isnt even a child he lives with 7days a week so its really not a good sign!

Moominfan · 25/08/2018 20:28

Yea listen to your gut instinct on this one. Is it the standard of parenting you want for your own? I think all parents have little cheats to make life easier but overall I think you have to be on the same wavelength when it comes to parenting styles

Cherubfish · 25/08/2018 20:32

Not getting in the pool with him on holiday is pretty rubbish! During the normal working week is one thing (assuming your OH works hard and is tired in the week) but he needs to make an effort at the weekend and on holiday. Most of us don't love playing games with 8 year olds but we do it because we love our kids and want them to enjoy our time together. I'd find this a very unattractive quality in a partner tbh.

Hengine · 25/08/2018 20:36

Not playing is one thing not everyone enjoys the pool etc
but not doing bed time properly is neglectful and means that stuff will all fall to you

sittingonacornflake · 25/08/2018 20:40

Trust your gut.

Lynne1Cat · 25/08/2018 20:51

He's a crap dad. He sees his son part-time and yet doesn't do anything with him? Imagine how shit he'd be if he had a child full-time.

MrBeansXmasTurkey · 25/08/2018 20:51

Some of the things are Ok for a bit of a break. No one goes into the soft play with an 8 year old! But it sounds like he goes too far, hours on the X box and no bed time is not very good.

KateGrey · 25/08/2018 20:54

See my dh does all the activities above as that is what our kids like to do. But the bed thing and the not bothering with him in the pool would have me worried. I’d put the idea of kids on hold and have a conversation about how he needs to step up more and if nothing happens I’d consider moving on.

Singlenotsingle · 25/08/2018 20:59

It's quite common for dads to be lazy. There's no guarantee that a different one would be any better.

swingofthings · 26/08/2018 07:15

I wouldn't say that's forcibly being a lazy parents just one who doesn't enjoy much playing with the child but you can be a good parent in other ways. The main question is whether they interact well together. Talking build a stronger bond than playing although the two are often linked.

rainingcatsanddog · 26/08/2018 20:58

The only parents constantly watching at soft play are the parents in the under 2 section. The others are there on their phones, reading or having a cup of coffee in peace.
The swimming and bed thing is pure laziness and if you have a child with him, you'll be the only one trying to enforce a sleep routine or interacting.

The clingy/bratty thing is probably because of his Dad's emotionally detached parenting (he wants attention and isn't getting it)

Are there any positives about your h's parenting? For example is he good at cooking dinners, cleaning, washing etc? It's good that you see this now.

GoodHeavensNoImAChicken · 26/08/2018 21:02

This would make me run a mile. You’re right to think about it now

Wdigin2this · 27/08/2018 14:50

He is lazy, and he doesn't know how to parent.....not a good choice for father of your future children!

Original poster

ChocolateCupcake123 · 01/09/2018 10:02

Sorry signal has been rubbish whilst away.

He is really good in other ways, they are very affectionate together, his son adores him and vice versa. He does all the cooking/cleaning/washing so credit where credits due. He also buys all of SS’s shoes/clothes/toys/after sch clubs etc, so it’s not like he’s a “bad” dad, just a lazy one!

When DP & ex split, he had SS most of the time. SS and him were inseparable, they shared a bed and barely spent a minute apart so they do have a very strong bond.

I guess if we decide to have children there will be a discussion around parenting styles. Though due to my job, and his job, I would be the main carer probably 80% if the time anyway.

OP posts:

HipsterAssassin · 01/09/2018 10:39

I would be the main career probably 80% of the time anyway

A word of caution here, you being the main carer, will you be doing the washing and cooking too? In which case he may well end up doing bugger all? Then the resentment will surely cause huge problems.

My exH never played with our dc, he was lazy, I did all the gruntwork and all the interaction.

He’s now my exH.

Just sayin’

Blondecatlady · 02/09/2018 12:17

Sometimes I feel the same way, DP's son is 10. He let's him play on the computer all day long, and when he's not on there he's on his phone or tablet instead. It's hard to find activities DC wants to do though, he moans about leaving the house most of the time. So I can sympathise in some ways.
I tried to help him think of activities to do over the summer holidays but we both drew a blank.

safetyfreak · 03/09/2018 10:01

I guess I am a lazy parent too and I have my DD full time. I just don't enjoy play, so it is difficult for me.

I still take her places like your partner does but I just don't play with her really as I get bored easily.

Also at 8 it is pretty common for kids to just want be on their games etc. You said he is equal with housework etc and he does make the effort to take his son out. I think you need take in the whole picture.

daftgeranium · 05/09/2018 19:13

But I feel like I don’t have any kids so I’m not in a position to judge!

This is rubbish. You are in a position to judge. Being a parent doesn't mean that you KNOW how to parent well, or would recognize it if it hit you in the face. Not being a parent doesn't mean you are incapable of knowing how to bring up a child.

Your OH sounds an awful parent - lazy, inconsiderate selfish. This is a recipe for big problems. Think very carefully indeed.

Stepparentchallenges · 06/09/2018 07:07

@ChocolateCupcake123
I personally think there is two sides to him and the situation.

On one side cinema, soft play and park are all normal things to be doing with w child and majority of parents use theses places to give the kids fun withoj constantly being in their face and it gives children a chance to express themselves and learn to be comfortable in surroundings plus to be independent in entertaining themselves. And I think especially the cinema is a lovley treat as it is so expensive now. When my partner looked it was £32 for him and the two girls just for the tickets. If I take my near on 4 year old park or soft play I sit and watch him but he needs the chance to grow on his own too but he always knows I am there and then when he's home we will play together.

With regards to the Xbox I also feel it is quite normal to an extent. When we have my step kids down the eldest who's 10 is very much into her tablet and Xbox etc. If she had her way she would be on it all day everyday. My partners opinion is that he doesn't want to stop her doing stuff she usually would at home, or the stuff she wants to do (ie her tablet) just because they have come to visit. He doesn't want them to feel they have to play with their dad and make it more into a forced play. So we will go by her lead to a degree (she isn't allowed to take her tablet home as her mum doesn't like it there for after school as they have had lots of issues with behaviour at school and walking out lessons so for my step daughter it is also her only chance.) However we do limit the time she can go on it: so she has two hours in the morning and then two hours in the evening and then it's Upto her whether she wants to stay at home and play, go park etc. So maybe suggest to him time limits for the Xbox?

Being on holiday I do agree he should be going in the pool with him, maybe not every time but some of the time as otherwise he Will get bored and a holiday is known to build memories together. Your husband just needs to find the happy medium as also he is entitled to have a relaxing few hours on the sun beds as are you. When we took my boy to menorca (I was 6 months pregnant with our son and girls stayed at home) we took it in turns so We both went swimming in the morning with my son, then after lunch I went back to our room and sat on the terrace outside and had 2 hours to myself either to sleep etc whilst my partner would take my son off and do something with him and then we would swap so he would go off for 2 hours to play the quiz or just sit at the bar and listen to the football with the bar staff. Then we would meet back up again. This is what we will be doing next year too.

I think maybe you just need to set ground rules on

Xbox times
Mixture of activities some he plays with him some he can sit on side (when you have him long periods)
Holiday rules so you both have 'me' time.
And then if you have a baby rules on cooking (maybe he cooks twice a week, he does hoovering one night etc.)

Just word it more along the lines of you know you will need some help and support and want it to be as fair as we can make it, I know you work so I will be doing more but could we just agree on a few things so that I know the support and back ups I have?

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