Can ExP do this??

[Beaubeagle]

My DH has court ordered contact EOW with his children. He had to take ExP to court for this as she wouldn’t agree to him having the children as she was very bitter over their break up (I’m not OW btw).

We’ve had the court order for over 3 years now and we have EOW and additional dates that’s are agreed. Everything has been working fine, although ExP does try and make things difficult for the sake of it.

ExP text DH our of the blue yesterday to say she was changing her working hours and from his next contact DH would have to swamp to the opposite weekends to what we currently have. No discussion, end of.

DH is self employed and books work months in advance for the weekends we don’t have his D.C. She is expecting him to drop this and any other plans to accommodate her new hours without any discussion and 2 weeks notice. I think this id very unfair! ExP thinks that as DH is self employed he can pick and choose when he works, but this is untrue. We have to be on call and have staff on a rota for this, along with DH. It’s not just a case of saying, oh I’ll do it next weekend instead.

I also have DC that go to their dad EOW so we originally arranged contact weekends to have all of the children together so we could do things as a family. Under the new ‘arrangement’ the children would never see each other.

I think ExP is being very unreasonable. I also think that she can’t do this as the dates are set in the court order. AIBU?

YANBU.
I'd tell her it doesnt work and he'll Take it back to court as she's in breach of the order.

There is a need to be reasonable - she too can take it back to court and ask for changes. It is not unreasonable she changes jobs - presumably she will have more money or possibly be working less hours overall. And I would hazard a guess your partner used self employment as a means by which to ‘prove’ his flexibility when originally in court. I shouldn’t think a court would care about your children - they are not part of the arrangement and your step children don’t go go their father’s house to do anything other than see their father. (I know that’s harsh and not the case, but this is an issue between parents from a court’s point of view).

How about suggesting mediation citing the problems it will cause your partner and asking for some compromise and/or more time to make the changes? If you are going to court, you want to be seen as reasonable and stubbornly saying ‘I can’t do that’ isn’t going to help your case.

If the dates are set in the court order, then no she can't do this. Point this out to her and make her aware you will take it back to court to enforce if needed. Even if the dates aren't specified, the fact that it has been running for 3 years already makes it an established routine and she still can't unilaterally change it (especially if you have good reason for keeping it the same).

Obviously it would be best if it could be sorted out without court but if she digs her heels in then the court order is on your side. Good luck!

There is good reason for changing if the ex has to work at the weekends, surely? She should have discussed before applying for the job but it is hard to imagine a judge is going to say ‘you have to get a different job’, particularly if this one uses her skills better/gives her more money. It is also not unreasonable that she uses her time without the children to work as it’s reliable childcare and keeps costs down. After all, her ex is also relying on the fact he doesn’t have the children at particular times so that he can work.

You need to find a middle ground because a judge won’t just say she’s wrong on this one.

Could you say that you will be able to swap but not with immediate effect due to your partners work diary being set for the next x amount of weeks? And would your ex be willing to swap weekends with your kids with the same amount of notice? I appreciate you don't have to try and arrange that but I agree it's nicer for you to have one weekend with all kids and the next with none. It sounds like she would need to go back to court to force the issue but if you can reasonably accommodate it with some notice it might save a lot of hassle.

Thank you.

Obviously we don’t want to go back to court but we can’t just drop everything with two weeks notice because she’s changed her hours at work. Surely she shouldn’t have done this without eith consulting DH first or arranging her own childcare.

Being self employed means we have to work when we can to put money on the table. We are not financially in a position to pick and choose.

This schedule has been in place for over 3 years so we’ve worked around that. My DH never tried to prove flexibility in court by saying he is SE, but once the court order was set, we worked our on call and weekend working around that to make sure it didn’t interfere with his time with his DC.

I feel like our hands are tied with this age it’s very unfair. The DC love spending time together on a weekend too and they will be really upset that they won’t have any contact going forward. It’s a horrible position to be in and one that ExP has clearly orchestrated to cause us issues.

It could be that she has had new hours imposed on her. Why would she “clearly orchestrate something to cause you issues”? Where is evidence of that?

Rather than going back to court, wouldn’t it be better for your dh to email her, explain the issue and try to come to a compromise that works for both.

His dcs spending time with your dcs isn’t really relevant if the difference could impact her ability to earn a living.

So she gets a new job....but is clearly doing it to cause you problems? Really? Is she supposed to stay in the same job forever? What if it offers better prospects and more money and therefore a better life for the step children? Should that just be ignored?

Can you not look at changing arrangements with your ex if spending time as a blended family is important?

You cannot everything to remain the same. You have no idea when you may require some flexibility yourselves.

I appreciate what you’re saying, but I wouldn’t change my working hours and just expect my ExH to pick up the childcare and change all his existing work commitments with no prior discussion. That would be massively unreasonable of me.

You’re absolutely right - there should have been discussion. What your partner needs to do now is try and initiate discussion based on trying to solve the issue in the short-medium-long term. She will need to work and so does your partner so how can the gap be plugged? Making an offer to pay half of childcare or asking a grandparent or aunt to help out? Finding childcare if you know of some (not easy for weekends and she may have already tried)? Doing a ‘I’ll not work next weekend but you’ll need to take leave the weekend after’?

This is an opportunity to work on an issue as parents together and perhaps help overcome some of the difficulties of the past. She needs your co-operation so give a bit and see what happens.

Would It be possible to have the DC weeknights instead of weekends?

Weeknights really isn't the same as weekends. He already has less time with them and weeknights is even less.

A sensible person would have discussed and consulted.

When Ex partners behave like this...it gives insight into why they are an Ex.

No, I know is not the same. I never said it was. I asked if it was an option. Because if neither of them can change their work days (ex wife won’t as she likes causing trouble, and he can’t) then he’s not going to see his children! So weeknights is better than nothing. Surely?

I think it's terrible that she's done this. If her working hours had been changed forcibly then she probably would have approached it in a more discursive manner with OP's DH, rather than just demanding that he swaps weekends, regardless of what his existing working arrangements are.

I would ask her to explain why the hours had to change and say it's not possible for DH to swap weekends as work is booked until then, as someone has suggested above.

While there has to be some give and take, in this instance ExP has been completely unreasonable and is expecting OP's DH to sacrifice his existing working arrangements in favour of her new ones, it's not fair at all.

Tell her you can't do it -you have too many arrangements in place to change everything and meet her demands at the drop of a hat.

What are those jobs that are only done every other weekend?

Did she work before and if so why did she change? Is the issue truly that your OH can't change his work or that the kids won't all be together or that you won't have a weekend just the two together?

Whatever the reason imposing such a change is not on.

Tell her no

Be prepared to take it back to court.

ExP has worked in the same, highly paid job for over 10 years. It’s very unlikely that she would work weekends in this job because of the nature of what she does. It just seems to me like another way to try and control my DH.

We genuinely do have work booked in EOW when we don’t have the children. Even if she has changed her job, why does her new job trump DH’s existing work commitments? It’s also worth pointing out that ExP has a new partner that lives with her. DH has offered to help out with some of the weekends she ‘has to work’ in addition to his existing weekends, but has told her that he can’t swap permanently. She has flatly refused this and stated ‘it is not up for discussion’. Unreasonable?

Even if she has changed her job, why does her new job trump DH’s existing work commitments?

As I said before, if you go down that route, you are saying it’s fine for your partner to rely on her for childcare when he wants to work but not OK for her to do the same. Surely that is also unreasonable? Shit happens. Circumstances change.

She is not wrong to want to change arrangements. She is wrong to want to do it without discussion. If you are determined to go back to court (which seems to be the case), there is a need to try mediation. Might as well be the reasonable one and try to initiate a discussion with a third party present and be seen to be actively trying to compromise and find a solution that works for everyone, surely?

And I love the step mum double standard. This forum would go mad if you were expected to look after the children in your partner’s absence but you have no qualms about quietly suggesting her partner should do it.

She has flatly refused this and stated ‘it is not up for discussion’. Unreasonable

So she'll just drop the DC off or does she think he'll be picking them up.

Very unreasonable to not discuss and just make a decision expecting him to comply.

The DC live 40 miles away and DH has to pick them up and drop them back at the end of the weekend.

He needs to go back to court Op - you can't have her dictating your lives like that

I'd agree with @Coco2891. I know confrontation is the last thing you want but I think it's time to play hardball. Tell her categorically that it doesn't suit & that you are not changing weekends; that she & her partner will have to sort childcare. Your dp already has court ordered access in place so if she tries to keep the kids on dp's weekends she'll be in breach of this. Point this out to her & let him tell her he's fully prepared to go back to court.
She & your dp are still co parents & she went and made a very important decision without consulting him which is just not on.

If it was the other way around and my DH gave ExP two weeks notice that he was changing his weekends around due to work commitments, he would be the biggest arsehole in the world on mumsnet.

She can’t dictate like that because it doesn’t just affect my DH, but many people. New job or not, she doesn’t have the right. The fact that we have offered to help with some childcare and she has refused this speaks volumes. I honestly don’t understand why some posters on here always side with the DM/RP regardless of what they do. I’m a RP and I wouldn’t dream of pulling this on my ExH, no matter how much I dislike him!

Get on and tell her you're not budging then and let us know how it goes 😀 don't worry about what ppl on hear say , you've had some good advise x