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Original poster

Can ExP do this??

62 replies

Beaubeagle · 21/08/2018 14:18

My DH has court ordered contact EOW with his children. He had to take ExP to court for this as she wouldn’t agree to him having the children as she was very bitter over their break up (I’m not OW btw).

We’ve had the court order for over 3 years now and we have EOW and additional dates that’s are agreed. Everything has been working fine, although ExP does try and make things difficult for the sake of it.

ExP text DH our of the blue yesterday to say she was changing her working hours and from his next contact DH would have to swamp to the opposite weekends to what we currently have. No discussion, end of.

DH is self employed and books work months in advance for the weekends we don’t have his D.C. She is expecting him to drop this and any other plans to accommodate her new hours without any discussion and 2 weeks notice. I think this id very unfair! ExP thinks that as DH is self employed he can pick and choose when he works, but this is untrue. We have to be on call and have staff on a rota for this, along with DH. It’s not just a case of saying, oh I’ll do it next weekend instead.

I also have DC that go to their dad EOW so we originally arranged contact weekends to have all of the children together so we could do things as a family. Under the new ‘arrangement’ the children would never see each other.

I think ExP is being very unreasonable. I also think that she can’t do this as the dates are set in the court order. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bluebell878275 · 22/08/2018 13:34

She has been very unreasonable and thoughtless. Tell her that doesn't work for your family and she is welcome to take it back to court. Any judge will give her short shrift.

Good luck!

ohreallyohreallyoh · 22/08/2018 14:40

Any judge will give her short shrift

Any judge will expect a degree of co-operation.

Laloup1 · 22/08/2018 15:49

There is a court order in place. In the same way your partner has organised his life around the court dates she is expected to do the same. So she’s being unreasonable just expecting your partner to shift to a different rhythm.
However people’s lives alter over time. If she had discussed this in advance what would be a reasonable notice period for a shift of rhythm, assuming with notice you can make it work/would be willing to make it work?
Knowing none of your back story I don’t know whether mediation is advisable or whether you all should go through the courts again to resolve this issue.
But in the short term she is out of line. Court orders mean nothing if either parent can just turn them on their head.

Bluebell878275 · 22/08/2018 17:40

Any judge will expect a degree of co-operation

Yes, as well as short shrift. Judges don't it lightly when court orders are ignored.

Bluebell878275 · 22/08/2018 17:41

Laloup1

Exactly

Bluebell878275 · 22/08/2018 22:58

take

Coco2891 · 23/08/2018 23:58

@Beaubeagle anything happened yet?

Original poster
Beaubeagle · 24/08/2018 06:20

@Coco2891

She refuses to discuss the matter. She says we have to and that’s her final word. ExP is fully expecting DH to have the DC for the next 2 consecutive weekends whilst the changeover happens and not say another word about it.

We will be seeking some legal advice, but in the meantime will stick to the arrangement as it stands. If she won’t let him have the DC on our existing contact weekend then surely it’s her that has breached the court order?

OP posts:
Hissy · 24/08/2018 06:56

She’s caught wind of the fact that you have your kids when he has his and either wants to scupper that relationship, OR the kid free time you have otherwise

As there is a court order and you have offered to help in the short term, I dare say getting some legal advice to double check before going back with an official solicitor letter which basically says “that won’t work for us” might be a way forward. The official line of happy to help by prior agreement and with notice, but can’t commit to changing what’s set due to everything else that’s organised around it.

Sure she’s not going to like it, but she’s not going to like anything you do either way by the sounds of it.

Do you know if she actually IS working weekends?

Coco2891 · 24/08/2018 07:47

@Beaubeagle yes she would be in breach , you have an arrangement in place set out by the court that she has to adhere to-let her breach it ! Doesn't look good on her when what she should have done is applied for a change to an order . Good luck and keep us posted x

Coco2891 · 24/08/2018 07:49

Any changes to a contact order must be agreed by both parties. One party cannot unilaterally decide to change the order or apply additional terms. If they wish to do so, they will need to refer the matter back to the Courts.
www.separateddads.co.uk/breach-contact-residence-order-what-do.html

PoesyCherish · 02/09/2018 11:15

Even if she has changed her job, why does her new job trump DH’s existing work commitments?

Exactly this!!

As I said before, if you go down that route, you are saying it’s fine for your partner to rely on her for childcare when he wants to work but not OK for her to do the same. Surely that is also unreasonable?

It's not the same at all. He already had his work commitments in place based on the current arrangements which is totally reasonable. What's not reasonable is expecting the other parent to drop their job just so you can take a new one without discussion.

I would just categorically refuse in the short term but possibly try and see if your ex will swap too in the long run.

Coco2891 · 02/09/2018 20:03

@Beaubeagle what's happened Op? X

lifebegins50 · 04/09/2018 13:54

How old are the dc?

Just think that if both parties dig in their heels the dc will suffer.

Why are you sure the change is for spite given it has worked for 3years?

I know that if it has gone to court previously there is no trust but I would encourage you to seek compromises and offer solutions.

There maybe reasons why she has to change weekends but doesn't want to declare to your dp.

takeittakeit · 04/09/2018 19:23

Too often on this forum - we find the usually father needs to change contact arrangements and the advice is well the mother will just have to suck it up, she is their parent aswell - regardless of how inconvenient it is.

Interesting to see the views when the tables are reversed.

MismatchedStripySocks · 14/09/2018 13:00

She should definitely give more notice. Could you say you can change but not until after Christmas due to work commitments? Presumably she is getting maintenance so will have to use that for childcare for a while.

Original poster
Beaubeagle · 14/09/2018 14:03

Sorry for the delay coming back.
ExP is now refusing to let my DH see the children on his regular weekend and won’t discuss things any further. She has said that the kids are available the opposite weekends but my DH is working so this doesn’t work unfortunately, so he is now not seeing his D.C. at all. We have asked for ExP to clarify her new working hours to see if we can help somehow with childcare but she is refusing to discuss this for some reason. I still don’t believe she has changed her working hours.....

My DH is now in the process of seeking legal advice. Unfortunately I can see this being a long, expensive battle and ExP is clearly not thinking about the DC in any of this. Our arrangement has worked for three years without a problem up until now. I think my DSC will be very confused by all of this.

OP posts:
moredoll · 14/09/2018 14:09

If she won’t let him have the DC on our existing contact weekend then surely it’s her that has breached the court order?

Yes

MyOtherProfile · 14/09/2018 14:13

Oh no that's really tough. Sounds like it will have to go back to court.

Coco2891 · 14/09/2018 15:00

It shouldn't cost a lot given that SHE is in breach of an order -just contact the court and tell them ! 🤷‍♀️

PoesyCherish · 14/09/2018 15:01

I really hope you are able to resolve it soon. It must be awful for him not being able to see his DC.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 14/09/2018 15:08

She is playing a risky game.
Judges don't take to kindly to her behaviour.

SandyY2K · 15/09/2018 11:16

It's terrible when parents don't put their children first. They have no idea of the longer term damage this type of behaviour causes to the children.

For them this can have the feeling of being abandoned by the NRP....or thinking they've done something wrong.

The Ex is digging her heels in to show what she can do and has done when he refuses to do as she says. Shocking selfish behaviour from her.

It's best he takes her to court, as she'll then know she can't do this as and when she wants.

I hope it gets resolved as quickly as possible.

Original poster
Beaubeagle · 15/09/2018 20:45

Thank you for all being so lovely. Quite often on MN dads are given a very hard time as the NRP. My poor DH is heartbroken that his DC aren’t with us this weekend and I feel so helpless. I hate seeing him so upset. I’m hoping we can get this resolved quickly via our solicitor on Monday.

OP posts:
Coco2891 · 15/09/2018 23:02

You will get it sorted as it's literally as simple as she's breaching the order /that's it -good luck with it all x