Help

[MummyinNeed94]

Bit of a random post.
I’m in a bit of a sticky situation,
Basically back last year I experienced some very bad domestic violence, the man got sentenced to 2 years prison time and a life time restraining order. This resulted in my daughters dad (also a control freak) putting in a court order that I need his written permission for my daughter to meet a new partner, at the time I was ok with it. Didn’t think I’d ever get into another relationship,
Boy was I wrong,
I’ve met the most amazing loving man, we’ve been going out about 7-8 months, I didn’t plan on meeting anyone we was old friends from school and I bumped into him on a night out and things went from there.
Obviously he hasn’t met my daughter yet and I wasn’t in no rush for him to meet her,
But now here’s the problem, I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, not god timing I know but it’s happened, so now I’m stuck.
I need my daughters dad to agree for my my daughter to meet my new partner so that they can have some sort of bound before I tel her that she’s going to have a brother or sister. Obviously I’m going to have to move in with my new partner and I can’t do that without my daughter. I don’t want to start a family and make my daughter feel left out. What can I do? She is my priority just things are so difficult because her dad won’t allow it, he loves the fact he has this hold over me and controls everything I do, he has lied to social services and the courts before now because things wasn’t going his way. I’m just so head fried I don’t know what to do now

I think it's extremely bad form for everyone to be piling on the OP and telling her to abort a baby she clearly wants! OP has agreed that it's bad timing but it is what it is now. She's clearly been through a massive fucking ordeal and wants to piece her life back together somehow, if you have no advice or support then back the fuck off. This is someone who has been through, what sounds like, a very violent and traumatic experience - shame on you. Hope you're okay OP.

No, not shame on me markle. OP is making a shitty situation a million times harder than it needs to be. It’s entirely within her power to take back control and get her life back on track. Yes mistakes happen, that doesn’t mean you have to just let it dictate the path your life takes. OP can have a much wanted baby when she is in a far better position. It isn’t always the best advice to say you do what you think is best hun.

The whole situation sounds a total mess. O P things you are saying don't make a lot of sense. If SS really told you that your ex doesn't care about your child then surely they would have enforced a handover to you? You are also saying that your dd wasn't affected in any way by the DV, but she was 'given' to her father so of course it has had an impact on her. This (to me) demonstrates that you are perhaps not understanding the full implications of what has happened in the past and the consequences that this had had on your dd.

I agree it is probably not ideal to bring a baby into the mix, but it is what it is and your concern needs to be the safeguarding of these two children, not setting up house and getting your dd to b ond with your partner of 7/8 months. In your shoes I would not be moving in with anyone just yet. I fear that this rushed relationship/pregnancy in combination with past events will go against you with SS, but I wish you all the best.

Why wasn't the custody order for a temporary period and not permanent if it was purely because the violent Ex might retaliate?

Him being sentenced for 2 years shows the seriousness and he didn't get that violent overnight .. so I understand why DDs dad would want to safeguard her.

You obviously can't say everything on here, but there's a lot more to this

The ex's court case took months and got delayed from new evidence and it's only finished in June this year. So only recently got sentenced

This is why it's only going back to court now to change the court order

OP, read, re-read and then read again the excellent post written by IfIWasABirdIdFlyIntoAFan . It will not be what you want to hear but it is what you need hear. Advice YOU need to follow.

I know your automatic reaction will be to rail against her advice , banging your fists like a toddler having a tantrum shouting 'but I WANT a baby.'. This is not 'straight thinking' in your situation. You are simply repeating past mistakes. You have already made poor choices with previous partners. This one may or may not turn out to be the same. If it is as good as you think then GIVE IT A BLOODY CHANCE. No new relationship is enhanced with a baby ! Especially when you have all this other shit going on. It's actually quite selfish to do this to him. (He thought you were on effective contraception so is now effectively being forced into parenthood of a child he didn't plan. It's all very well to say 'he's happy about it' (Which no doubt , if he's a good guy he will tell you because he wants you to be happy) but It's what YOU want and you are choosing. Not anyone else.
It's not the best for your existing child. And the current situation is definitely NOT a good situation to bring a new child in to.

You want a stable home in order to get your child back. ? Then follow these steps.

1. Prioritise your daughter above your new boyfriend.

2 Be consistent with contact.

1. Engage with her school.
2. In time, (perhaps after you have been with him a year) approach the idea of introducing bf to DD's father. If it doesn't go well, then challenge the order in court. With a year under your belt and a more settled life. Plans for marriage would also be good further along the road. This presents you as a changed person, willing to take time, prioritise DD and live a less chaotic life.

1. Just slow down.
2. Do not add babies to this chaos.

I am absolutely gobsmacked by the amount of 'accidental' pregnancy on MN - it's about 5k x the national average. As for your story of failed contraception, I think you need to start being honest with yourself. The implant has a 99% success rate and the pill 97.5 - when used a directed. The chances of both failing are negligible. However the real concern here is the fact that you cannot see how detrimental bringing a baby into this set up is. That is where your judgement is still poor.

Op sounds like you're in a terrible situation and I think you've have some very sound advice from people on here.
I don't think you are accepting what has happened regarding you're daughter and things don't add up so I assume you are in denial about your role in this situation.

If your DD never met your violent ex- I don't understand why her dad would insist on an order to vet the next boyfriend first. It doesn't make sense. It also doesn't make sense why she would go live with her dad.
Your poor daughter has been through enough trauma for a lifetime. Please think of her.

OP, life doesn't always turn out the way we expect but it seems like you are trying to make the best of an not so ideal situation. I would never encourage someone to have an abortion who doesn't want one, no matter the circumstance. I think you are doing everything you can. Concentrate on going to court and getting full/partial custody of your daughter. Delay moving in with bf to allow stability for your dd as she gets used to new baby and him. Spend plenty of time alone with dd. Let her know that it's ok to have lots of confusing feelings about these changes but that you love her very much and will do whatever you can to help her. Good luck.

Give women's aid a call. Talk through with someone impartial who can help unravel the different issues (pregnancy, custody, dd knowing about bf, dv fallout, controllers by ex, new bf, over-work, huge caring responsibilities etc).
Get a clear picture of all the issues and then you can work out a way forward.

Some ppl here are really unhelpful.... Why are you so bitter? op comes here for help no to be abused.... congratulations in your pregnancy. I got pregnant with the coil so I feel you. Let her know him little by little, i would wait until you have all the scans done just to protect her before saying anything. Be positive xxxx

There has been good advice here OP.

Everything has moved very, very quickly. From extreme DV to new man and pregnancy. There does not seem to be enough stability or enough time to become the parent your DD needs again, and now a new baby soon.

Your focus is on how to get your Ex to agree to moving things on quickly. And agree that your DD should meet new BF. I think this is the wrong focus.

Start with the core of things. You and DD.

Not your new BF. Or your pregnancy.

Get things better and stable for you and DD.