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Step-parenting

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Original poster

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61 replies

MummyinNeed94 · 19/08/2018 15:03

Bit of a random post.
I’m in a bit of a sticky situation,
Basically back last year I experienced some very bad domestic violence, the man got sentenced to 2 years prison time and a life time restraining order. This resulted in my daughters dad (also a control freak) putting in a court order that I need his written permission for my daughter to meet a new partner, at the time I was ok with it. Didn’t think I’d ever get into another relationship,
Boy was I wrong,
I’ve met the most amazing loving man, we’ve been going out about 7-8 months, I didn’t plan on meeting anyone we was old friends from school and I bumped into him on a night out and things went from there.
Obviously he hasn’t met my daughter yet and I wasn’t in no rush for him to meet her,
But now here’s the problem, I’ve just found out I’m pregnant, not god timing I know but it’s happened, so now I’m stuck.
I need my daughters dad to agree for my my daughter to meet my new partner so that they can have some sort of bound before I tel her that she’s going to have a brother or sister. Obviously I’m going to have to move in with my new partner and I can’t do that without my daughter. I don’t want to start a family and make my daughter feel left out. What can I do? She is my priority just things are so difficult because her dad won’t allow it, he loves the fact he has this hold over me and controls everything I do, he has lied to social services and the courts before now because things wasn’t going his way. I’m just so head fried I don’t know what to do now

OP posts:
lunar1 · 19/08/2018 15:10

Why are you obviously going to have to move in with him. You've been dating less than a year. Your daughter hasn't met him yet-you can't go from that to living with him in less 9 months. I wouldn't be happy with that for my child if I was your ex.

Your dd lived through whatever happened with the last boyfriend, she will need longer to adjust to changes like a new man in your life.

Original poster
MummyinNeed94 · 19/08/2018 15:13

Obviously because I'm now pregnant and will be having his baby,
I'm asking for help not criticism

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 19/08/2018 15:14

I agree with po, pregnant or not it's too soon. Your daughter needs time to adjust, not just to meet someone and move in straight away and deal with a new sibling. She needs it all one step at a time. If you move in before the new baby is born it's all going to feel really unstable for her.

bitofaheadspin · 19/08/2018 15:19

You absolutely don't need to move in with him and I'd strongly suggest you don't. Your DD doesn't live with her dad and obviously still has a relationship with him. The same can work for the new baby.

Push it with your ex and you might have a much bigger issue on your hands, and I'd say he'd be right to question your judgement.

Take your time.

Original poster
MummyinNeed94 · 19/08/2018 15:19

No I know that. I won't be doing it all at once. I was going to introduce them slowly, and casually, then few months time tell her about her being a big sister and take it from there. I know it's way to much to soon and I wouldn't put it all on her at once, but the first step is introducing them, but how do I go about getting permission off her dad? No one knows the news yet, I don't want to tell anyone untill my daughter knows, but obviously the sooner she meets him the more time she will have to adjust before everything else happens x

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2018 15:19

When you say you have to seek permission, what happens if he says no? Does he know about the new guy?

You don’t have to live together and given what you and your daughter have been through you’d be wise not to rush into it.

He might be someone you know from school but it’s all moving very fast and lobbing a new baby into the mix when your daughter doesn’t even know you’re dating is a lot for her to take in when the last man she was probably attached to is now in prison.

No advice really other than do what you have to wrt your ex. He might kick off but what other options do you have? What options do you have if he says you can’t let them meet?

How long can you put off telling your DD you’re pregnant?

Good luck with it all, I hope the new man is a good one.

MrsBertBibby · 19/08/2018 15:20

Well onviously need to ask your ex's agreement and if it isn't forthcoming you need to apply to the court for that outrageous order to be discharged.

I would also frankly suggest a termination but I imagine you don't want that.

Please do the Freedom Programme online. You have disclosed 2 abusive relationships so you need to work out why you pick such men and whether this new one is more of the same as I fear the chances are high he is. However amazing he seems so far.

Original poster
MummyinNeed94 · 19/08/2018 15:21

Also she dose currently live with her dad. After the domestic violence incident they advised that she goes lives with him and I have a few nights a week because we didn't know if the dv bf would retaliate

OP posts:
bitofaheadspin · 19/08/2018 15:23

Sorry, my mistake. Are you planning on having her come back to live with you at some point?

hospbear · 19/08/2018 15:24

This seems a chaotic environment for all concerned and as a pp has suggested given your past history I would seriously consider the wisdom of a new baby and a new home when you have been with this person less than a year. From what you have put here she has a stable home at her dads which is a good thing. I suggest that you ask him - see what he says then go back to court if he says no.

Original poster
MummyinNeed94 · 19/08/2018 15:26

I have done the freedom program last year and a course called "me and my mum"

She wasn't attached to my ex partner as she didn't meet him.

She knows I'm dating and she heard about my new partner but just haven't met him yet.

Termination not an option. After the dv I got told I couldn't have children so this may be my only chance x

OP posts:
Original poster
MummyinNeed94 · 19/08/2018 15:27

And application for court to have my full custody back has been sent

OP posts:
Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 19/08/2018 15:36

To have custody of your child removed and primary custody awarded to her father I would assume that her safety was at risk.

This all seems very quick, in your OP you have stated that the domestic violence incident happened last year but you have now met a new partner who you have been with for 8 months and are now pregnant?

It’s very quick it wouldn’t surprise me if your application for full custody was denied. Your daughter needs stability and her father provides that for her at present.

Original poster
MummyinNeed94 · 19/08/2018 15:47

The only reason they said for her to live with her dad was because we didn't know what was going to happen with my ex and we all thought he was going to retaliate before he got sentenced, it was only supposed to be temporary.
I agree it is all really quick but it's happened, I'm happy in my new relationship he treats me really well and we are really close.
Thing with her dad is that he don't care about my daughter, all he cares about is what I'm doing and where I am and who I'm with. This is the man who stalked me and made me feel like I was going loopy, he loves control and as soon as he don't get his own way he ups his game. Social services have even said that he's not concerned about our daughter at all he's just concerned about me. DD will have stability and consistency we just need to get through this chaos first, her dad sends her down in dirty clothes not bathed and so tired where she has no routine. He's always late taking her and picking her up from school he told social services I was selling guns from the boot of my car and that I blind fold my daughter, he goes above and beyond. And he don't care as long as he's in control. All I want is to get my custody back and live happily with my daughter and my new partner

OP posts:
twattymctwatterson · 19/08/2018 15:51

Tbh op I'm really worried about your judgement here. You lost custody of your daughter because of serious DV in a previous relationship (feel like there's more to this if she never met your ex and you immediately ended the relationship?) and your ex is concerned enough to get a court order which says you need his permission to introduce her to anyone else. Yet here we are 8 months into a new relationship and you're pregnant and moving in with someone else? Of course he's wonderful right now but that could change and I'm really concerned you're unable to spot red flags. I don't think you should move in together right now. Continue to see him by all means but I think you should try living alone and getting some therapy. How long after the last relationship ended did you meet your new boyfriend?

Ivgotasecretcanyoukeepit · 19/08/2018 16:05

OP your judgement has been poor in the past so why is this one any different?

8 months is no time at all in the grand scheme of things. You do not fully know a person after 8 months regardless of how ‘wonderful’ or ‘close’ you are to him.

Original poster
MummyinNeed94 · 19/08/2018 16:07

I'm aware of the red flags I've done all the courses and support groups about domestic violence which is why made me leave my last relationship causing it become violent, my whole insight has changed and it's like I'm constantly doing a risk assessment in my head, and the first sign of my new partner being a perpetrator I am now strong enough to recognise and leave, but for now there's been no signs or red flags pop up yet, I'm not in a rush to move in with him, like I said it wouldn't be until everything has settled about anyways. Moving in together isn't the issue I'm willing to live on my own but I feel like introducing them slowly and casually needs to happen before the new baby comes x

OP posts:
Marmaladegin · 19/08/2018 16:31

I think you've got some slightly harsh replies op. Congratulations on your pregnancy, since you sound pleased.

I agree with pps that you sound in a bit of a rush and should slow down. I wouldn't move in with the new man for a year or so tbh. If your ex says no, you'll have to go through the courts but I don't see this needs to prevent you from telling your daughter she's going to have a baby sibling (although in view of what you've said about your ex, the one thing I would rush is getting your dd living back with you).

IfIWasABirdIdFlyIn2ACeilingFan · 19/08/2018 16:34

After the dv I got told I couldn't have children so this may be my only chance x

Well obviously the fact you got pregnant proves you can actually get pregnant so there’s no reason at all to believe you wouldn’t again.

twattymctwatterson · 19/08/2018 16:36

Focus on getting the custody of your DD back. If you're saying your ex is abusive and doesn't care about her that should be your concern above anything else.

BasilFaulty · 19/08/2018 17:29

Well obviously the fact you got pregnant proves you can actually get pregnant so there’s no reason at all to believe you wouldn’t again

This.

I can't help but think there's more to the fact that your DD is full custody with her dad, that makes me think you weren't able or willing to leave him and put safeguardings in place to protect her. Prepared to be told I'm wrong but for the mother to lose full custody to the father only happens in extreme circumstances.

I'm glad to hear you've done the freedom programme and that it's helped.

Were you using contraception? I'm worried you're rushing very fast after a massive upheaval for both you and your DD. Please stop and think a moment. Flowers

Bringonspring · 19/08/2018 17:37

You’ve got to chat to your ex. Is there a third party who could be with you when you do?

You can’t look back but you must just must put your children first. Getting into a relationship and then getting pregnant was (sorry) but really selfish. You should have been 100% focused on getting your daughter back.

You must put these children first!

swingofthings · 19/08/2018 17:51

I'm sorry Op but I fing this thread upsetting. You stayed with a violent man even though it will inevitably have impacted on her in many ways. Social services deemed her safe with her father.

You've only got out of such a destroying relationship a year ago during which time you've decided to get with someone else and didn't ensure not not get pregnant and now are determine to keep the baby because you might not have another child. You believe you've met Prince charming even though you've only been together 8 months and don't live together so really you don't know him fully because you never do until you leave with that person.

Your priority should have been to try to regain custody of your child if you thought being with her dad was harming her not to run into someone else getting pregnant. You've chosen to do what you believe will make YOU happy rather than what is best for your DD.

I think the least you can do is respect your ex who has at least step up to being her parent in a way that was deemed at least good enough. If I was him I too wouldn't agree to a change in the order until I could be totally sure that traumatised child wasn't at risk of further damage again. Sorry but he is doing the right thing even if it doesn't suit your plan.

Hopefully time will go your way and all will turn out OK but in the meantime your DD needs security and stability.

Bringonspring · 19/08/2018 18:06

I agree swingofthings.

BasilFaulty · 19/08/2018 18:09

What the OP wanted was for us to break down for her how to approach telling/asking her ex.
Unfortunately it's clear there are much bigger issues at play here, so she hasn't had that advice and I highly doubt she'll be back.
I hope you're still reading through these replies anyway OP.

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