Not wanting to be free childcare?

[espoleta]

My DP and I have a DD who is 9 months old. He has two boys (8&10) from his previous relationship who are with us 60% of the time. Generally things work really well.

We both have approved flexible working requests. He has his before we had DD which means he needs to be home at 6 three times a week as the after school nanny finishes up at 6. On two of the days he has DSS he picks up DD from nursery. I work 4 days a week

Recently he has started to turn up later and later on his non nursery days when he is still meant to be home at 6. Often the nanny has plans and doesn't want to stay over her allotted hours so leaves DSS with me. Fine, I don't have a problem if he runs late a bit. But I still have a 9 month old to feed, bath, get to bed. But now I feel like he's taking the piss.

Wednesday- home at 7. I had 4 kids to take care of.
Thursday- 6:30
Friday- still not home.

It's now a regular event. It's expected I'm just here to provide childcare. This school holiday he's just informed me that he needs to leave before the nanny arrives (and I need to get the baby to nursery and get to work) or the he won't be home at 6 so I'll need to take care is DSS.

I'm pissed off! I'm not his free childcare!

• oh. And I have a good relationship with the SC, this is not about them it's about DP.

Sorry OP - you sound awful if it was 5 days per week and 2-3 hours late I would start to get annoyed but 30 mins to an hour.
so the nanny leave and 30 mins later DP arrives - the kids continue playing their game, have a pee and eat something.

What it’s not fair enough to do is complain because you are only prepared to look after the child who is biologically related to you so he needs to be there or provide separate childcare for the others. That would be bonkers imo and that’s not how a family (step or otherwise) works.

I completely disagree with this. We don't know how their family works but is common enough to hear about step parents not being allowed to discipline step children as their standards are too different to the biological parent. In those cases separate childcare are normal aka biological parent takes care of their own children.

I regularly see SMs on this board argue that it is different for resident stepparents, usually stepdads, and that by living with the RP they accept a certain responsibility that NRSPs don't. But now a resident stepmum shouldn't have to look after her stepkids for even an hour? What a depressing and divisive way to organise a family.

Ok then, in my opinion that’s not how a family works. My suggestion would be to a couple who have different approaches to parenting and want to only look after their biological children that they don’t live together and try and create a ‘blended family’.

Just my view.

With an assumption that OP is allowed to discipline and is de facto the main carer for her two step children her OH is taking her for granted and is not appreciating her working and taking care of 3 children on her own. She really shouldn't be taking care of them on her own if he doesn't even care enough he will be late.

Care enough to let her know he will be late I mean.

So being 1h late after work makes you automatically a jerk and taking the piss? Even when we have no idea of the reason for the lateness? Nor do we know their arrangement, who is putting more financially, or anything else for that matter.

I have come home late a number of times because of work deadlines. It wouldn't have cross my OHs mind to moan about it instead he is grateful that I earn a good living.

If he has to leave early in the morning to get home on time it’s either the flexible working not working or the wrong nanny hours.

Give the OP a break re her attitude- she posted when on the second overtime night for her.

Sorry I misread - she was on the third night of it, have some empathy.

Swing, no one has a right to assume ownership of someone else's time. So if he is going to be late, and therefore needs the OP to cover his responsibilities, it's polite to check that's okay. If the kids were at a nursery or cm, he couldn't just assume it's okay to be late - he'd have to sort his shit out at work, so he could collect his kids. Thousands of other people manage it.
It's not okay to treat his wife will less regard than he'd treat anyone else.
Think the nanny will get pissed off too - she has contracted hours and an employer who expects more but doesn't ask, is not going to have a nanny for much longer.

He’s taking the piss by not even asking you just telling you you have to look after them.

What’s his reason for suddenly not being able to do the same hours? Is it likely to continue? If so, his plan can’t just be that you’ll cover him without even asking you if that’s ok. What if you have to work late/want to visit friends/family after work?

He is not taking the piss for his resident child - he is paying for a nanny. That the OP thinks the nanny should stay late, when she is in the house already and will not look after resident children - is just mind blowingly selfish.

The OP is taking the piss when she does not think she should look after resident children for 30 -60 mins on her own.

Seriously, my EX looked after his new DPs 2 children all the time - it is called a family, which whether the OP likes it or not she is in. 3 children are in this household - not the one she only wants.

It reads from your post as though for the 60% of time the DSC are living with you, you want there to be two forms of childcare at all times (either nanny and you or both parents) because you are only prepared to be the responsible present adult for the DC who is biologically yours.

What flowery said.

Taking the DSSs out of the equation, would you be equally pissed off if he was turning up ‘late’ on his min-pick-up days and not seeing your baby as much?

The step-children and the nanny are a red herring, I think.

In most working families, person doing childcare pick-up - whether that’s from nursery or to relieve a nanny - leaves early from work on their days, and stays a bit later on their non pick-up days to accommodate. Totally normal set-up.

So it’s just a discussion about expectations?

If so, his plan can’t just be that you’ll cover him without even asking you if that’s ok. What if you have to work late/want to visit friends/family after work?

But these are days OP HAS to be home, because she’s picking up the baby. So totally normal expectation that she’ll be in the house and doing childcare anyway. She won’t be working late/visiting friends DS etc. She’s in the house doing the baby’s bedtime routine.

Older DC presumably have been fed by the nanny and can just amuse themselves at 8 & 10 for an hour or so.

The morning leaving before the nanny sounds a little bit more disruptive, potentially, but only if OP is having to make herself late waiting for the nanny to turn up.

What happens if your dp has a doctor's appointment after work OP?

Do you make him take his dc's with him because they're not your responsibilty?
Also, I suppose you're happy enough to accept your oh's wages coming into your house, so why not his dc's?

It’s no wonder there are so many entitled arseholes swanning around with all these people who wouldn’t mind if you’re partner arbitrarily decided what you should be doing with your time without so much as a by your leave.

Also, I suppose you're happy enough to accept your oh's wages coming into your house, so why not his dc

What a dickhead comnent

IMO It's not free childcare it's parenting. There will be give and taken, but you are part of a unit, a step parent now.

Its not parenting when youre not a parent of that child.

Its not parenting when youre not a parent of that child.

But it is step-parenting when you’re a step-parent if those children...

Still not ops children. She still should be asked.

Anuway according to MN youre only a step parent when youre married, so op is not one

Do I get this right, he
takes your joint DC to nursery every morning
3 days per week he has a flexible working agreement to get home to take over from the nanny 3 days per week and the other
2 days he picks up your DSS and your joint DC from nursery.

Am just trying to understand what you do - because this man is being run ragged and I am seriously the last person to defend most men and their childcare contribution. By your original post - you do pick up 3 days per week of your own DC!!!

3 days per week he has a flexible working agreement to get home to take over from the nanny 3 days per week and the other 2 days he picks up your DSS and your joint DC from nursery.

I read it as he gets home for 6pm 3 days a week and on 2 of those days he picks up joint child.

OP collects joint child the other 2 days and has one day where she cares for the joint child all day.

Hardly 'run ragged' by taking his own dc to and from childcare. Plenty of mothers manage it!