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Step-parenting

Not wanting to be free childcare?

79 replies

espoleta · 17/08/2018 18:31

My DP and I have a DD who is 9 months old. He has two boys (8&10) from his previous relationship who are with us 60% of the time. Generally things work really well.

We both have approved flexible working requests. He has his before we had DD which means he needs to be home at 6 three times a week as the after school nanny finishes up at 6. On two of the days he has DSS he picks up DD from nursery. I work 4 days a week

Recently he has started to turn up later and later on his non nursery days when he is still meant to be home at 6. Often the nanny has plans and doesn't want to stay over her allotted hours so leaves DSS with me. Fine, I don't have a problem if he runs late a bit. But I still have a 9 month old to feed, bath, get to bed. But now I feel like he's taking the piss.

Wednesday- home at 7. I had 4 kids to take care of.
Thursday- 6:30
Friday- still not home.

It's now a regular event. It's expected I'm just here to provide childcare. This school holiday he's just informed me that he needs to leave before the nanny arrives (and I need to get the baby to nursery and get to work) or the he won't be home at 6 so I'll need to take care is DSS.

I'm pissed off! I'm not his free childcare!

  • oh. And I have a good relationship with the SC, this is not about them it's about DP.
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JoanFrenulum · 20/08/2018 00:15

Oh dear. So he wasn't just a rude bastard to you, he was a rude bastard to the nanny as well and she's up and left. He could try grovelling and paying her back for all the extra time. She's right about the trust though--if you extend her contract to 6.30 he'll just start coming back at 6.45, unless he can really get his act together.

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Bananasinpyjamas11 · 20/08/2018 00:07

This is your DPs job, to mind his kids and sort out parental sharing with his Ex, so it’s his mess to sort out.

It’s not good for you to do this for him. This isn’t a one off, and I tell you evenings when we are all so tired after work / kids are a very stressful time to be consistently late.

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StressedToTheMaxx · 19/08/2018 19:56

farewell week not farewell wee 😂😂

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StressedToTheMaxx · 19/08/2018 19:55

Continue with your farewell wee and leave dh to sort this. After all he cause the nanny to quit.
If you make him fix his mess he won't do it to the next nanny. You wipe his bum for him now, it will be the same situation next time.
I say from experience my dp was the same, he messed around finishing times etc often. I finally left him to fix his mess and it hasn't happened since.
And good luck with your new job! Flowers

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/08/2018 12:01

So the answer is that your dp takes emergency parental leave from work to cover childcare.
This is entirely his own fault - he has been arrogant in his attitude to the nanny, treated her as if her own time has no value and has pissed her off to the point where she has had enough. Let him feel the consequences or he will never change.
Don't give up on your own plans, to haul his arse out of a situation entirely of his own making.

Also, make sure the nanny gets back pay for all those extra 15/30 mins extra she has been doing and maybe he (not you) can persuade her to stay. He could start with a massive apology for pisstaking!

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espoleta · 19/08/2018 10:22

The nanny situation is not good.

Turns out DP is rarely back at 6 even when I'm not here (so actually I'm not really a factor at all- oh how the situation has changed massively over the last 36 hours!).

Apparently the soonest he gets back in 6:15 when he pick up DD from nursery.

Nanny is at her wits end. She thinks she mentioned being pissed off before to DP and honestly I'm not sure what's gone on there.

The trust is gone and she doesn't think DP will change, so we've offered to extend her contact to 6:30

DP ex is pissed (and rightfully so). She's meant to have them Monday and then next weekend but cannot take time off work for the childcare during the day.

DGP don't live close to any of us (mostly in other countries and continents)

Most of their school friends are away. And have taken their nannies with them.

We're trying to contact their old child minder, but she's moved far away so it would be like 40min each way.

They go back to school 2nd week of September and we all visit their GP wc the 30th. I'm starting a new job and have a week off in between so I can cover 1st week of sep.
Next week is a disaster.

As I'm slowing down and have handed over much of my job I might be able to wfh and help out next week. But I have many lunches in for farewells and leaving on good terms is really important in my industry.

So yeah. A bit stuck all round really.

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Boilin · 19/08/2018 09:47

@IWannaSeeHowItEnds just seen the update so my comment wasn't really needed!

We just sort of fell in to that routine, but he shows very clearly that it is appreciated and does his share so it's never been an issue. Step-families are tricky things!

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 19/08/2018 09:42

Boilin, presumably your dp asked you first, or you volunteered, which is entirely different to having him just assume.
It's not a big deal to look after dsc for an hour - what is a big deal, is having someone comandeer your time without so much as a conversation. It's the inherent attitude that his time is more valuable than the OP's or nanny's.

OP, what will happen if the nanny has quit?

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Boilin · 19/08/2018 09:25

Hmm. I'm not sure about this one. I'm a 'step-mother' (don't use the term) and I just used two whole weeks of my precious leave to look after DPs daughter. He was working much shorter hours however wouldn't have been able to have her in the holidays should I have not been there to look after her when he was doing drop ins at work. It doesn't bother me, I love my partner, we are having a child together and I try my very best to support him and his daughter. I suspect he will do the same for me when I'm on maternity leave and will do his best to support us all.

I think you need to talk to your DP and arrange a routine that suits you both to work around that. I however don't think he is doing anything drastically wrong here.

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espoleta · 19/08/2018 09:17

@swingofthings I really need to address one comment.

If he's a CEO than his organisation is also his family.

Please don't be so disrespectful to families and so emotional about work.
They are his coworkers and employees and yes, he has a responsibility of care, but no. Not family.

If you work, I really hope that you don't take this attitude to work. As women we don't need that. Please check your emotions at the door for work.

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espoleta · 19/08/2018 09:06

That everyone we discussed it last night and he totally agrees that not letting me or the nanny know he was going to be late is unacceptable. I didn't have to explain much as there is a good chance the nanny has quit and we don't have childcare tomorrow for the DSC.

So we're all good. And communication around this is going to get better.

Wish us luck!

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WhiteCat1704 · 19/08/2018 09:04

If he's a CEO than his organisation is also his family. He is doing amazingly well managing both.

What BS...

Hi is clearly not managing as his partner is pissed off and posting here and nanny is pissed of and leaving.
OP might be a better payed CEO too for all we know..if she goes 50/50 money wise she is subsidizing her step children already...least teir father could do is stick to bloody arrangements and be home for them on timem
You seem to have something against wonen swing...or rather you seem to think men should be able to abdicate all responsibilities as they work..but not women..

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swingofthings · 19/08/2018 06:51

If he's a CEO than his organisation is also his family. He is doing amazingly well managing both.
He is probably not calling because if it was him he probably wouldn't even noticed you're late or if he did be more concerned that you're OK than annoyed because he had to look after kids he hasn't seen all day.

If he was late 3 hours I could totally get why you'd be cross but don't t get it at all when it's only 1/2 hour.

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Bananasinpyjamas11 · 19/08/2018 01:52

Yanbu at all. Why should you ever look after someone else’s kids without being even asked? She’s not the Mum. The kids have two parents, if they can’t sort it, not your problem OP you have enough on your plate.

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IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 18/08/2018 19:18

Ask him how he foresees managing if nanny quits and you refuse to step in? At the moment he can take his sweet time gettong home because there is some woman available to pick up his slack - either you or the nanny. It is beyond rude to not even check with you and just assume you will facilitate his life!
He's not your husband, they are not your children or your responsibility - if he wants help, it is good manners to ask. It's not about the childcare, it is about being taken for granted!

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espoleta · 18/08/2018 19:07

Yup. Complete failure on my part. I used that username once as it has some financial bits in it.
I've reported myself!

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MissSusanSays · 18/08/2018 19:04

Have you done a bit of a name change OP?

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espoleta · 18/08/2018 19:00

@MissSusanSays thank you. You've articulated my issue so much better than I did!

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MissSusanSays · 18/08/2018 18:58

I get you OP. If you took the step aspect out of the situation I think it is the same issue I had with DH- late from work, buggered up child care pick ups in the process and just expected me to get it all sorted without telling me. Then doesn’t even say sorry for messing up the system.

It is immensely frustrating when you have to run your own working life and facilitate everything for your DP as well and they can’t even communicate clearly.

Have a talk with him, otherwise this will bubble over. My DH is much better now at calling to tell me when he’ll be home.

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espoleta · 18/08/2018 18:52

@NoSquirrels it's been an issue before but never before have I not been around and the nanny had plans. It brought it to a head.
Plus finding a nanny with these specific skills is incredibly hard and she affords is with flexibility with DC too and I like her and don't want to loose her!!!!

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espoleta · 18/08/2018 18:48

@Bakewellheart
If it were a doctors he would tell me about it. You know. Communication.
I pay 50/50 to everything in this house, not sure if I would call it accepting his wages.
Or do you assume because I have a vag that I get paid less than him and assume he is the bread winner? Or as I'm version 2 and younger I'm a trophy wife with no brains?

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NoSquirrels · 18/08/2018 18:47

If it’s never been an issue before, what’s changed recently, OP?

I agree he should let you - and the nanny! - know about lateness. I wouldn’t be too annoyed about 30 minutes here or there for myself but I’d be livid about the nanny situation.

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espoleta · 18/08/2018 18:44

To clarity we are not married

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espoleta · 18/08/2018 18:43

@HeckyPeck
No he only leaves work early 3 days a week.
Last week (and for the last few weeks) I've been doing 100% of the pick ups of our daughter for various reason.
2 days a week he can work as long as he wants

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espoleta · 18/08/2018 18:41

@takeittakeit
The issue is that he just doesn't let me know. Doesn't ask me.
On Friday no communication about being late! Seriously could he not drop me a text?

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