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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My 16 yr old has moved out to his nanas, he doesn’t get on with his step dad. I feel extremely guilty

77 replies

Jennlaw12 · 13/08/2018 19:22

My 16 year old has moved out and he has moved in with my mum.(his nana)
I feel so guilty because him and my husband (his step) dad didn’t get on but I feel this is all my fault.

Should I leave my husband and get a place on my own and get my son back.?
I’m so confused & upset I miss him so much.

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 14/08/2018 09:30

Let your son go...I agree with posters saying he is playing you and you DH and probably his nan against each other.
It's not ideal that your mother is undermining you and letting your 16 year old be a slob so talk to her first! How is it all going to work in her mind? What about finances? Is your son going to university?

We had something similar with SD..so much drama...after few months of independent living(financially supported by us) she became a normal, polite human being again and is back with us and happy for it! I will now miss her when she goes to uni but couple of years ago she was so bad we told her to move out to her mother...DH, like you, was very conflicted but ultimately we couldn't let an angsty teenager break us up- we have a child together too..she now admits she was very unhappy and resentful and thats why she was acting out..

We are now in a much better place, DH has a good realationship with her. I suprise myself by how much I care about her. She loves her younger sibling and it shows..I am 100% sure we couldn't have achived that if we allowed her behaviour to continue to impact on us.

Re holidays..We took SD on family holidays even when she was not living with us. We never shared a room though!! Children get their own rooms..it would be a nightmare otherwise..

Stimmyplip · 14/08/2018 09:35

I dunno. If my Gran offered to make me bacon sandwiches in bed all day I know where I'd be. (And I'm 41 Grin)

Jencl · 14/08/2018 09:43

It’s difficult because I am completely torn.
I understand what my husband says about the holiday he does just want it to be us but my son is still my son.
My husband doesn’t want a 17 year old sharing a room with us and I get that but I don’t want him to feel left out.
He does go away with his nana too so he is most probably going to have 1 holiday abroad with them this year.
but as far as finances go I have no idea
My son has just got a job working with my dad 3 times a week so at least he’s doing something.

Gazelda · 14/08/2018 09:49

I think your DH is being a tad too harsh.
Your DS is being a lazy, normal 16yo.
Glad to see he's working 3 days a week, hopefully he'll learn to love the money and see that to get more he needs to apply himself.
I don't get why you can't take him on holiday? Surely you find an apartment with separate sleeping area for him? It seems very off to say that now he's moved out he is no longer part of the day to Day family stuff.

Jencl · 14/08/2018 09:52

Yes I agree I want him to still be included but my husband says my son wants the best of both worlds he wants us when he feels like he’s missing out but other wise we don’t hear from him.
X

Jencl · 14/08/2018 09:55

I’ve honestly had enough of been in the middle I’m exhausted from it all Hmm x

MimpiDreams · 14/08/2018 09:57

I think your DH is wrong over the holiday. My DD still comes on holiday with me and her stepdad and she's 25.

Jencl · 14/08/2018 10:19

I know and I would love for him to come with us,
Nearly 17 or not x
But then I would love to go with my husband but I would feel guilty for leaving my son at his nanas x

rainingcatsanddog · 14/08/2018 10:19

I take it that he's just finished y12 if he's 17.

I have a son the same age. He's going to do his strongest subject at A level for his degree because he doesn't know what else he'd do. I'm hoping that once he starts his degree, the modules that he chooses will focus his interest more. I'm not a pushy mum at all but ds seems happy that I nudged him into this logical choice. (It helps that he's a lot better at one subject than the other 2!) It's not unusual not to know what to do next. Ds' school took him to an open day but he hasn't looked at any uni courses yet.

I've worked in many offices and most roles required a degree rather than a specific one. For example when I worked in marketing, the degrees varied from Drama to Physics. There are jobs requiring specific subjects (say medicine) but medicine candidates will already picked the right A levels and know that they wanted to do this iyswim.

rainingcatsanddog · 14/08/2018 10:21

Oh, he's y11!

I think that a lot of kids will adjust their A level choices based on GCSE results.
Does he have a first/back up choice of school at least?

Jencl · 14/08/2018 10:33

He’s had letters from college but he then said to me yesterday he doesn’t think he wants to go because he won’t know anyone as his friend is doing electrical and my son has now changed his mind and is thinking of doing another subject.
My husband says my son is always welcome at home and the reason he got on his nerves was because of his laziness and the arguments he caused between us.
He says my son hasn’t been to visit us once since he left unless he wanted something which is true, he didn’t even come over for my birthday but he is 16.
My husband sees my son as a adult and I think it has been hard for my husband to adjust x

AliceRR · 14/08/2018 10:44

TBH I agree with your husband. Your son wants to leave because your husband expects some structure and you are thinking of leaving him over it and yet your son wants to go on holiday with you both. Think how your husband must feel. Does he know you are thinking of leaving him / moving out? Can you imagine why he might not want to take your son on holiday with you both?! Sorry I know he is your son but he can’t expect your husband to play happy families and include him in the holiday when your son doesn’t even want to stay around.

ccmms · 14/08/2018 10:46

Dont listen to the pp's who will try and guilt you into leaving your husband for your son. You laid down the ground rules for your son and he chose not to abide by them, and live somewhere else. He is in a safe place albeit not probably showing him the real world if your mum is catering to his every whim. Imagine you did leave your dh and got a house for yourself and ds, do you honestly think he would turn over a new leaf behaviour wise? Teenagers can sometimes be a law unto themselves and it can be extremely hard to navigate them and sometimes they just need space to figure it out on their own.

WhiteCat1704 · 14/08/2018 10:46

Yes I agree I want him to still be included but my husband says my son wants the best of both worlds he wants us when he feels like he’s missing out but other wise we don’t hear from him.
X

How about you go for a long weekend with only DH and with DS and DH for a longer break? And get a 2 bedroom apartment!! Your 17 year old will not want to share a bedroom with you and DH either!

Alternatively how about you go with DH for few days and separately with just DS?

nellyolsenscurl · 15/08/2018 08:46

Your DH sounds like he is trying to 'manage' your d's out of the family. 16 is not an adult, all responsible parents will be involved in the process (or at least discussion) of the college application. The vast majority of 16 year olds do not go on holiday with their friends, they still go with their family. Your son is working 3 days a week, which is great for a teen who is on his school holidays. He may be happier at his Nana's OP but it sounds as if your DH wants him off the scene and your d's feels this.

Pinkbutterflyy · 21/05/2024 04:37

Hi, idk if you can see this but I am going through smtn similar. Wanted to know what you did .

MissyPea · 21/05/2024 11:58

Your husband is being a sensible responsible adult with a level head, in my opinion he’s right.
Your son is being a typical teenager who needs guidance to flourish and launch. He chose his nans to avoid this.
You have mother’s guilt, this blurs right and wrong.
Mumsnetters saying leave your husband obviously lack the capacity to think straight and will target the step parent at any cost just to attack them because they’re bitter.
(The sensible mumsnetters, I appreciate you!)

HebburnPokemon · 21/05/2024 12:46

Jencl · 13/08/2018 20:16

They did get on once upon a time but my husband wants him to stand on his own to feet to sort college and start to look into his future, but my son wants it easy.
I think it’s because my husband is firm with him and at his nanas he is allowed to do what ever he likes, as he is their only grandson.
I just want me son to be happy but I honestly don’t know what to do.

I can't believe anyone reading this would advise OP to divorce, ffs

HebburnPokemon · 21/05/2024 12:54

Your son wants an easier life, but the world doesn't provide an easy life

This. Grandma is setting him up for a lonely life with zero independence. Our job as parents/guardians is to prep teens for adulthood. She's doing him a massive disservice that could impact his life chances.

HebburnPokemon · 21/05/2024 12:58

I feel so deeply sorry for your DH. You clearly don't love him if you would even consider leaving over this situation. Does your DH know you're contemplating this?

HebburnPokemon · 21/05/2024 13:00

she now admits she was very unhappy and resentful and thats why she was acting out..

What was she unhappy about?

MissyPea · 21/05/2024 15:11

HebburnPokemon · 21/05/2024 12:58

I feel so deeply sorry for your DH. You clearly don't love him if you would even consider leaving over this situation. Does your DH know you're contemplating this?

Im with you on this. Anyone contemplating leaving their partner/husband/wife for something like this doesn’t deserve a loving partner. Jesus, they push the ‘a dog is for life’ thing but ditch the partner in a flash.

MissyPea · 21/05/2024 15:17

nellyolsenscurl · 15/08/2018 08:46

Your DH sounds like he is trying to 'manage' your d's out of the family. 16 is not an adult, all responsible parents will be involved in the process (or at least discussion) of the college application. The vast majority of 16 year olds do not go on holiday with their friends, they still go with their family. Your son is working 3 days a week, which is great for a teen who is on his school holidays. He may be happier at his Nana's OP but it sounds as if your DH wants him off the scene and your d's feels this.

Or maybe the son is trying to get rid of her husband.
personally I don’t think either are doing this, he’s trying to avoid expectations and responsibility, like most teenagers.

WomanMumLoverDaughterStepmumFriend · 22/05/2024 17:54

Personally my children will always come before my partner . How long have you been together , is this a new relationship?

AWholeLotOfStuff · 23/05/2024 13:38

This thread is 6 years old!