My 16 yr old has moved out to his nanas, he doesn’t get on with his step dad. I feel extremely guilty

[Jennlaw12]

My 16 year old has moved out and he has moved in with my mum.(his nana)
I feel so guilty because him and my husband (his step) dad didn’t get on but I feel this is all my fault.

Should I leave my husband and get a place on my own and get my son back.?
I’m so confused & upset I miss him so much.

[nellyolsenscurl]

Your DH sounds like he is trying to 'manage' your d's out of the family. 16 is not an adult, all responsible parents will be involved in the process (or at least discussion) of the college application. The vast majority of 16 year olds do not go on holiday with their friends, they still go with their family. Your son is working 3 days a week, which is great for a teen who is on his school holidays. He may be happier at his Nana's OP but it sounds as if your DH wants him off the scene and your d's feels this.

[WhiteCat1704]

Yes I agree I want him to still be included but my husband says my son wants the best of both worlds he wants us when he feels like he’s missing out but other wise we don’t hear from him.
X

How about you go for a long weekend with only DH and with DS and DH for a longer break? And get a 2 bedroom apartment!! Your 17 year old will not want to share a bedroom with you and DH either!

Alternatively how about you go with DH for few days and separately with just DS?

[ccmms]

Dont listen to the pp's who will try and guilt you into leaving your husband for your son. You laid down the ground rules for your son and he chose not to abide by them, and live somewhere else. He is in a safe place albeit not probably showing him the real world if your mum is catering to his every whim. Imagine you did leave your dh and got a house for yourself and ds, do you honestly think he would turn over a new leaf behaviour wise? Teenagers can sometimes be a law unto themselves and it can be extremely hard to navigate them and sometimes they just need space to figure it out on their own.

[AliceRR]

TBH I agree with your husband. Your son wants to leave because your husband expects some structure and you are thinking of leaving him over it and yet your son wants to go on holiday with you both. Think how your husband must feel. Does he know you are thinking of leaving him / moving out? Can you imagine why he might not want to take your son on holiday with you both?! Sorry I know he is your son but he can’t expect your husband to play happy families and include him in the holiday when your son doesn’t even want to stay around.

[Jencl]

He’s had letters from college but he then said to me yesterday he doesn’t think he wants to go because he won’t know anyone as his friend is doing electrical and my son has now changed his mind and is thinking of doing another subject.
My husband says my son is always welcome at home and the reason he got on his nerves was because of his laziness and the arguments he caused between us.
He says my son hasn’t been to visit us once since he left unless he wanted something which is true, he didn’t even come over for my birthday but he is 16.
My husband sees my son as a adult and I think it has been hard for my husband to adjust x

[rainingcatsanddog]

Oh, he's y11!

I think that a lot of kids will adjust their A level choices based on GCSE results.
Does he have a first/back up choice of school at least?

[rainingcatsanddog]

I take it that he's just finished y12 if he's 17.

I have a son the same age. He's going to do his strongest subject at A level for his degree because he doesn't know what else he'd do. I'm hoping that once he starts his degree, the modules that he chooses will focus his interest more. I'm not a pushy mum at all but ds seems happy that I nudged him into this logical choice. (It helps that he's a lot better at one subject than the other 2!) It's not unusual not to know what to do next. Ds' school took him to an open day but he hasn't looked at any uni courses yet.

I've worked in many offices and most roles required a degree rather than a specific one. For example when I worked in marketing, the degrees varied from Drama to Physics. There are jobs requiring specific subjects (say medicine) but medicine candidates will already picked the right A levels and know that they wanted to do this iyswim.

[Jencl]

I know and I would love for him to come with us,
Nearly 17 or not x
But then I would love to go with my husband but I would feel guilty for leaving my son at his nanas x

[MimpiDreams]

I think your DH is wrong over the holiday. My DD still comes on holiday with me and her stepdad and she's 25.

[Jencl]

I’ve honestly had enough of been in the middle I’m exhausted from it all x

[Jencl]

Yes I agree I want him to still be included but my husband says my son wants the best of both worlds he wants us when he feels like he’s missing out but other wise we don’t hear from him.
X

[Gazelda]

I think your DH is being a tad too harsh.
Your DS is being a lazy, normal 16yo.
Glad to see he's working 3 days a week, hopefully he'll learn to love the money and see that to get more he needs to apply himself.
I don't get why you can't take him on holiday? Surely you find an apartment with separate sleeping area for him? It seems very off to say that now he's moved out he is no longer part of the day to Day family stuff.

[Jencl]

It’s difficult because I am completely torn.
I understand what my husband says about the holiday he does just want it to be us but my son is still my son.
My husband doesn’t want a 17 year old sharing a room with us and I get that but I don’t want him to feel left out.
He does go away with his nana too so he is most probably going to have 1 holiday abroad with them this year.
but as far as finances go I have no idea
My son has just got a job working with my dad 3 times a week so at least he’s doing something.

[Stimmyplip]

I dunno. If my Gran offered to make me bacon sandwiches in bed all day I know where I'd be. (And I'm 41 )

[WhiteCat1704]

Let your son go...I agree with posters saying he is playing you and you DH and probably his nan against each other.
It's not ideal that your mother is undermining you and letting your 16 year old be a slob so talk to her first! How is it all going to work in her mind? What about finances? Is your son going to university?

We had something similar with SD..so much drama...after few months of independent living(financially supported by us) she became a normal, polite human being again and is back with us and happy for it! I will now miss her when she goes to uni but couple of years ago she was so bad we told her to move out to her mother...DH, like you, was very conflicted but ultimately we couldn't let an angsty teenager break us up- we have a child together too..she now admits she was very unhappy and resentful and thats why she was acting out..

We are now in a much better place, DH has a good realationship with her. I suprise myself by how much I care about her. She loves her younger sibling and it shows..I am 100% sure we couldn't have achived that if we allowed her behaviour to continue to impact on us.

Re holidays..We took SD on family holidays even when she was not living with us. We never shared a room though!! Children get their own rooms..it would be a nightmare otherwise..

[FuckPants]

That's a little unfair. Lots of 16 year olds drag their feet making large decisions and would happily stay in bed all day if allowed!

I suppose so but most buck their ideas up, not fuck off to their nan's so they can carrying on staying in bed all day.

[Stimmyplip]

That's a little unfair. Lots of 16 year olds drag their feet making large decisions and would happily stay in bed all day if allowed!

[FuckPants]

TBH your son sounds like a lazy bastard.

[Jencl]

Yes he has a big bedroom with a double bed tv , just he has a outhouse at his nanas and a bedroom

[Stimmyplip]

He didn't have his own room when he lived with you?

[Jencl]

It’s so nice to get this off my chest and have different points of views.
My son has said there is nothing to do in the village but I can’t help think if I moved and split with my husband I would get him back.
Maybe not, I don’t really want to put that question to him either as it’s pressure.

I never knew how hard it would be, I knew he would move out once he had finished his exams
Me and my husband have pushed and pushed him to get college sorted and a family memeber set him up with a chance of an apprenticeship but my son didn’t do much about it
Which does not give the guy a great first impression of my son.
We told my son come on get your college sorted where you want to go & what you want to do etc and let’s look into a job but he says yeah I’ll sorted it leave me to it.

How much can you push them so this is why he has moved out and I understand as he has less boundaries and like he says more space as he has his own room but I feel I’ve left him and just swept him to the side x

[Rebecca36]

I daresay at the beginning you thought your son and partner would get on, maybe they appeared to. It happens. Your husbands doesn't sound unreasonable but living with someone else's child is not easy.

Personally I would ditch husband and have my son back. At 16 he is still young, presumably studying. He needs stability.

If you two are meant to be together you can still see eachother, you don't have to live together to be in a relationship & one day your son will be mature about things. Might not work though.

[Blendingrock]

So, let me get this straight.

Your son is 16, your husband has been in your son's life since your son was 8.
Your son's biological father is still on the scene, but doesn't seem to be involved in your current dillema.
Your Mother has chosen to take your son's side and so made the situation worse for your.

For what it's worth, here's my 2 cents worth.
Your son is playing you and your husband off against one another and winning. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants, with no responsibility. Your Mother is letting him.
Your husband wants him to pull his head in and live in the real world.
You are torn because you love your son and are worried about loosing him.
You won't loose your son over this, but you may loose your husband.
Your husband is right, and you need to project a united front, no matter how torn you feel. If you pander to your son not only will he walk all over you, it could ruin your marriage, and it WILL set your son up to fail when he eventually has to stop being a stroppy teenager and become a man.

Your job as a parent is to help him become a man. You can't do that if you cave in every time he has a tantrum (and that's what this is). As hard as it is (and I know how hard it can be because my son is 22) you have to take a step back and let him go. Let him make his own mistakes and learn the consequences of his actions.

He has chosen to go and live with his Nan. Fine. Let him.
Your Mother has chosen to run after him and indulge him. Let her.
Your Husband has chosen to make a stand, to try and teach your son what happens in the real world. You need to support him.

You also need to tell your son that you don't agree with his decision, but it's his to make. You also need to tell him that you love him and that the door will always be open for him to come home. Tell him that if he chooses to come home, he does so on the understanding that if he does so, he has to start pulling his weight, focus on his future and DO something. If he wants to sit around and watch TV all day he can, but he won't be doing it at your place.

Just so you know, we went through something similar with my Husband's eldest girl. She dropped out of school, sat in her room all day playing computer games. We let it slide for a while and then said enough was enough, she was old enough to get a job and contribute to the family/focus on her future/decide what she wanted to do. She refused. Her Dad lined up 3 job interviews for her. She refused to attend. Sometimes she would put a load of washing on/do the dishes, mostly she wouldn't. She said she was an adult now and could do what she liked. In the end we gave her a choice. Live with us, be an adult and get a job or do volunteer work. Contribute in some way. If she didn't want to do that, she wanted to sit in her room all day, go and live with her Mother. She chose to live with her Mother. It caused all sorts of ruptions and a world of hurt at the time, and 3 years on she's still living with her Mother BUT she's now doing volunteer work and is doing some night classes. She is slowly coming to realise that sitting in her room is no way to build a future and whilst we will help her, she has to help herself too... oh and she still has a good relationship with her Dad.

[HerRoyalNotness]

I agree with harshing ‘s post

You need to speak to your mother about what boundaries he should have and get her on side. It’s no good letting him go off and have someone running after him for the next 20yrs. Then ask what’s your son would like to have happen. You can’t decide to do anything Until after you know. Whether that’s moving out with your son, with firm boundaries or if he comes back home. Maybe he’s also bored living in the village.

For holiday, yes I’d take him, but if you can stretch, get a room for him on his own so you’re not under each other’s feet

[ineedaholidaynow]

Is there a reason he hasn't gone to live with his dad if he doesn't want to live at home? What has his Dad said about this?

I assume he has moved out for an easier life. Hopefully his Nan will soon get fed up waiting on him, it certainly isn't helping him in the long run.

Based on the reasons he has left I wouldn't split up with your DH. I assume your son is mainly being a stroppy teenager and using your DH as a scapegoat for his stroppiness.