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Original poster

First step-family Christmas

63 replies

UndertheCedartree · 09/08/2018 22:04

I have been with my DP for 9 months so only been seeing each other a while last Christmas. I have 2 DC (11 + 6) with my XH. Myself and DP do not live together.

My DP mentioned recently that perhaps his nephew and nephew's girlfriend and their baby could come over for Christmas to my house (he isn't able to host due to his housing arrangement). I think he imagined he would spend Christmas day with myself and my children. However, I want to keep things as settled for the children as I can (for various reasons it has been an unsettling year for them).

My thoughts are for myself, DP and DC to be together on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and then DP to spend the rest of the day with his family and return in the evening. XH will come over for Christmas lunch and spend the afternoon/early evening with us before DP returns. Then XH will take the children to see his family on Boxing day and I will spend the day with DP and his family will be welcome over to my house then.

Does this sound ok? It keeps things fairly normal for my children in that I usually organised activities for us on Christmas Eve and XH always had a lie in on Christmas morning and I did stockings and a few presents with them before XH got up to help make the Christmas dinner and then we had more presents in the afternoon. Boxing day was then spent at a relative of XH's house. The only difference being DP being around this year (but they get on very well with him) and that I won't be with them on Boxing day (but I wasn't last year either. I also didn't go the year before but that was because my DS was ill so I stayed home with him and XH took DD to the relative's house).

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flamingofridays · 10/08/2018 20:19

5 years?! Move on. You separated when your youngest child was 1 - they won't have even known a Christmas with you as a couple. Why are you dragging it out?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 10/08/2018 20:19

I'm finding this such a weird thread. It's not really about what the dp wants, it's about what the children want. They've had a tough year, their mother is thinking about what would be best for them. Putting the potential wants of a boyfriend of 9 months over and above this best outcome for the dc would be madness.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 10/08/2018 20:21

Flaming maybe that's the whole point?! The dc don't really remember their parents together. But they know they co-parent well and happily spend time together. How is that not anything other than wonderful for the children of separated parents?

flamingofridays · 10/08/2018 20:25

Because it's confusing! Why play happy families for 1 day of the year when the kids wouldn't have known any different anyway?

It's not about putting the dc first is it because there will come a time at some point where op want to spend fine with her new dp and the kids will be older and used to this weird routine. Then they won't get put first will they but if they'd just spent xmas with each patently separately that would have been fine anyway! And op wouldn't even have this problem.

PrettyLovely · 10/08/2018 20:54

"Because it's confusing! Why play happy families for 1 day of the year when the kids wouldn't have known any different anyway?"

I agree with flamingo here^^

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 10/08/2018 21:01

I get why it might seem strange to others but has always been normal for us. For what it's worth Social services are involved with the children and keen for their father to continue to parent them at their home as they feel it is the most stable thing for them. It has not ever felt like we are 'dragging' anything out. We don't have any close family and have always spent Christmas together. In 20 years we have never spent Christmas day with anyone else and we all enjoy spending time together so not sure why it is so wrong? I don't think it is confusing for the children to be honest. I know most people seem to hate their XHs but I don't!

And yes my children do come first above my DP. Pretty sure I'd get flamed if I put a 9 month relationship above them! I absolutely do want my relationship to develop but we both want to take things slowly for various reasons. I don't think he would be hurt if I put my idea over as a suggestion among others and was open to his ideas. He understands our situation and wants to put the children first too.

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 10/08/2018 21:11

Thank you it's nice Smile

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Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 10/08/2018 21:31

In answer to the question about why we haven't had seperate Christmases. Well I think a big part is that most of our family are abroad. The relative that we sometimes see on Boxing day is XHs uncle and it isn't really a very child-friendly setting. We go for a few hours - Xh couldn't spend the whole of Christmas day or even Boxing day there and he isn't able to do Christmas for the children where he lives.

OP posts:
justabout2016 · 11/08/2018 11:53

There's no rule book. What works for one doesn't always work for others. Until last year I always had my ex over to see the DC opening their presents too. We had breakfast together. I don't think either of our partners were mad keen, but accepted it. If they didn't, they were perfectly entitled to voice that, and we would have to have had a conversation about that. But I don't think there are rights and wrongs here. It's about what works for you, not what other people tell you you should be doing.

My kids weren't confused. They liked it. We still have meals out for their birthdays - me, my ex and the DCs. Until someone says they're unhappy with it, we'll continue to do it. We get on well, which is far better than if we didn't.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 11/08/2018 14:08

Thank you justabout. Some posters on here have made me feel wierd for getting on with my ex and doing things with each other. We do birthdays together too.

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Winosaurus · 11/08/2018 14:35

Not at all Under, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting on with your ex and sharing occasions with them - I still do with my ex! He comes over Christmas morning and we do joint parties for our DS, I’m still close with his parents etc. However my DP is present/ or invited at these occasions and if my ex had a new DP then she would also be there. It was different before you and your Ex had partners but now you have a DP and you would like him to ship out for the day to continue this that is what people are finding odd (and unfair to your DP). Things have changed, you’ve moved on with your life so it seems bizarre to try and keep the traditions of your old relationship to the potential detriment of your new relationship.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 11/08/2018 18:54

Thanks Winosauras - yes I can see how that might seem odd. The reason was more as I know DP and XH would rather do things seperately. I would prefer if XH came over that DP stayed. I have thought a lot after reading this thread and nearer the time I am going to check with the DC that they are happy to spend Christmas with DP and I (the older has found the transition quite hard but has settled in the last month however there is another big disruption coming so will need to check in with them) and if they are I will see what DP thinks. Thanks to everyone who replied.

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Bananasinpyjamas11 · 13/08/2018 23:21

Goodness No. No Exes.

Start to develop your own relationship, Christmas is for current relationships not past ones.

The children spend every other Christmas with each parent. Much healthier. Much better for the kids.

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