First step-family Christmas

[UndertheCedartree]

I have been with my DP for 9 months so only been seeing each other a while last Christmas. I have 2 DC (11 + 6) with my XH. Myself and DP do not live together.

My DP mentioned recently that perhaps his nephew and nephew's girlfriend and their baby could come over for Christmas to my house (he isn't able to host due to his housing arrangement). I think he imagined he would spend Christmas day with myself and my children. However, I want to keep things as settled for the children as I can (for various reasons it has been an unsettling year for them).

My thoughts are for myself, DP and DC to be together on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning and then DP to spend the rest of the day with his family and return in the evening. XH will come over for Christmas lunch and spend the afternoon/early evening with us before DP returns. Then XH will take the children to see his family on Boxing day and I will spend the day with DP and his family will be welcome over to my house then.

Does this sound ok? It keeps things fairly normal for my children in that I usually organised activities for us on Christmas Eve and XH always had a lie in on Christmas morning and I did stockings and a few presents with them before XH got up to help make the Christmas dinner and then we had more presents in the afternoon. Boxing day was then spent at a relative of XH's house. The only difference being DP being around this year (but they get on very well with him) and that I won't be with them on Boxing day (but I wasn't last year either. I also didn't go the year before but that was because my DS was ill so I stayed home with him and XH took DD to the relative's house).

until DP and I moved in together (18 months after meeting), I felt that he wasn't really in a place to insist on how I should spend my time and with whom

I don't think in this scenario the DP is "insisting" on anything.

It seems to me that OP has it all set out what she and everyone else should do, and he gets to like it or lump it.

I don't think its healthy to play happy families when in reality that is no longer the case. a lot of the time its just false hope for the children.

flamingofridays - I would take that as a message that the ex was more important than me and I would probably just end it tbh.

I agree, I would have little confidence in our relationship if this happened.

My OH spent his first Christmas after the split at his parents' house and his ex attended as well (we were together as a couple by this point). However, they both agreed that his was the last time, and I was fine with it as I was spending Christmas with my own family too plus it was the first one for the kids, so a bit of a transition year.

However, if the following year he'd said that I couldn't spend Christmas with him and his children as he wanted his ex to be able to come and spend the day with them, but I could be there before and come back after if I wanted, there's no way we'd still be together.

I would be unhappy enough if my OH wanted his ex to be present for our Christmas, let alone if he actually wanted her there instead of me.

I don't think its healthy to play happy families when in reality that is no longer the case. a lot of the time its just false hope for the children

I totally disagree with this. It's not because you, not your children, you move on with someone else that it means that your children can't consider that they are still growing up in a happy family. It is only false hope if you act in a way that makes it look like there is still some feelings leftover. Children are extremely perceptive and will know if that is the case or not.

Moreover, I don't agree that kids always wish for their parents to be back together. I was asked so many times when I was growing up if I'd ever wished for my parents to be back together, and I always though this was an odd question because it genuinely never crossed my mind and when I did considered it, it just felt wrong. I loved both my parents, desperately wanted them to get along, but I never longed for them together. Similarly, I asked once my kids if they did wish I'd remained with their dad and both said that they didn't because we were much too different and they couldn't imagine us being happy together and that despite us indeed spending xmas together, getting along fine as friends, until the new partner insisted on an immediate stop to it. Fair enough, I understand she felt threatened by it, although there really were no reasons to, but trying to pretend that it was better for the kids was nothing but alleviating her guilt.

the dp has only bee around 9 months and there are not even living together. Again, we are all different but from my perspective, until DP and I moved in together (18 months after meeting), I felt that he wasn't really in a place to insist on how I should spend my time and with whom.

I don't think time or living together is the best indication of the solidity of a relationship.

I have been with my OH for 3 years in a completely committed relationship, but due mainly to financial circumstances we will only be moving in together later this year. We have lived separately for the entirety of our relationship so far but it's not an indicator that it's not a serious thing.

But you are right that everyone is different. For me and my OH, after 9 months we were as solid as we are now so I would have been very upset should he have done what the OP is proposing for Christmas, but obviously others may not be the same.

It just doesn't seem that OP and her DP are on the same page if he's not even questioning that they'll be spending Christmas Day together, to the point of wanting to invite other family members, while she is envisioning spending it with her EXH.

Children are extremely perceptive and will know if that is the case or not

not in my experience, especially when one parent hasn't moved on.

Dp's kids were convinced their mum and dad would get back together when they had been out for one of their birthdays together as a "family" and were devastated when he told them that basically it wasn't going to happen.

Things need to remain as separate as possible. Parents should be amicable, and chat at the doorstep or whatever, but that's all it needs to be.

also saying there were no reasons for the new partner of your ex to feel threated is absolutely ridiculous. whether you had any feelings for him or not, its still a very threatening situation and I am sure you can understand that.

bibidy, I think once you are living together and therefore sharing your own home, it does make matters more complex especially if the partner does't have a tradition of spending happy xmas with their own family.

However, as you said, you were ok with it for the first year and in the case of the OP, they are not living together yet and assume not planning to do so by then as he spoke about coming to her house.

I still don't think it is right to expect him to be happy with her plans just because it suits her though. The discussion should start with what they'd both like, not sharing what they have already planned.

itsnice me too, I would have loved my parents to be civil enough to get together for Christmas, birthdays etc, I had quite a few friends who were in that situation and it continued even when their parents remarried. I would say they are a lot less affected by the divorce than us garden-gaters!

I still don't think it is right to expect him to be happy with her plans just because it suits her though. The discussion should start with what they'd both like, not sharing what they have already planned.

100%, that's the crux of it really.

The discussions should be between OP and her partner in the first instance.

not in my experience, especially when one parent hasn't moved on
I agree that it can be confusing when one parent hasn't moved on, but when they both have, it is quite clear.

Your OH should have explained before the birthday that he was coming so that the child could be with both their parents at the same time to enjoy their special moment but that it didn't mean they were getting together.

Kids who grow up the most balanced are those whose parents are open to them about circumstances and situations and who acknowledge their own individual needs. Some kids will care to spend special times with both parents, others will not care to do so. I see parents insisting on doing things jointly when the kids couldn't care less and others who beg to spend time with both parents who are told that absolutely no way can this happen because it's not 'right'.

The one time I was desperate to have both my parents with me at the same time was when I had a serious accident, ended up in hospital and was in a lot of pain. Thankfully, my parents knew that my need was not a plot to get them back together and that indeed, it was important to make an effort for my benefit.

Your OH should have explained before the birthday that he was coming so that the child could be with both their parents at the same time to enjoy their special moment but that it didn't mean they were getting together he had explained this several times previous to the event, and again afterwards.

being admitted to hospital is entirely different to Christmas and I would expect both parents to attend, this has happened in the past with DSS and I totally understand that. Cosying up at Xmas is totally different.

OP I think your plans sound just fine. You're putting your children first. The following Christmas things will be different as another whole year will have passed and inevitably lots of changes will have taken place.

Cosying up at Xmas is totally different.
I guess it's not different to me. It's about the kids wanting both parents together at a time that matters to them, whether it be a scary time or one of joy. If kids can be led to believe that their parents could get back together if they spend Xmas together, I can't see why they wouldn't think the same if they are together, above their hospital bed after surgery, even worse if things were scary and they were to reassure each other. I would have thought that if there was a chance of parents suddenly realising that they should never have separated, it would be in such a circumstance rather than celebrating Xmas where they are more likely to be with other people anyway.

I think it comes down to two things: the partner not wanting to be left behind, imagining their OH having a good time without them with the ex, or fear that sharing these good times could lead them to rekindle their relationship.

The reality is that the chance of a couple happy with new partners getting back together just because they spend Xmas together is quite low. If they wanted to get back together, they would probably find ways to get close together Xmas or not.

As for the feeling jealous that they could have a good time without them, well I can understand this to an extent, especially if the partner is left on their own or left to spend time with their family they don't care much for, but in this case, there can be some compromise reached by which they go in the morning whilst the kids open their presents for say an hour or so, but then come back to spend xmas dinner with their partner. The meal is rarely the part kids care most about anyway.

of course its different!

if my child was hurt I would be there regardless of who was there, and I would expect dp to do the same.

Christmas is different, its time for family. Your kids now have two families, which is great. They spend time with both. you don't have to get the "old family" back together. Its confusing and strange. Celebrate the fact they are lucky enough to have two families that care about them.

I will never agree with sacking off your partner just to make your kids happy for less than 24 hours. They need to understand that part of their life is over, and they don't get what they want at the expense of everyone else.

OP are you looking forward in your life or looking back? Are you trying to build a life with your new partner or is he just someone you are seeing?
Do you want to establish the children’s expectations that you will continue to celebrate Christmas jointly with your ex?
I was at the 9 month point with my partner at Christmas the first year we were together. This would have been a tough sell on me. (Though I say that very hypothetically as this could never have happened)

Flamingos I agree about the two families but I didn't consider me and OH forming one family when we'd only been together 9 month and were not yet living together. My OH was my boyfriend and mum's boyfriend to my kids.

but it doesn't sound like that in this situation swing - and if it is like that to OP, she needs to talk to her "boyfriend" because his understanding of the situation is clearly worlds apart.

I've only read your first post but that sounds like a great plan to me. I think you sound like a great Mum to prioritise your children's happiness at Christmas.

I think it comes down to two things: the partner not wanting to be left behind, imagining their OH having a good time without them with the ex, or fear that sharing these good times could lead them to rekindle their relationship.

For me it wouldn't be either of these things, but more that it's hard enough to enter a 'step family' situation without your partner being the person who perpetuates the old dynamic.

I don't think you can expect someone to be in a relationship with you but also be able to send them away to spend occasions like Christmas elsewhere so you can share it with your ex instead.

As you said swing, if this scenario works for both partners then fine, but otherwise I think OP needs to be aware that it's unlikely most people would be happy with this.

Well - lots of different responses!

Firstly I want to make clear this was an idea I had - it is in no way set in stone and as I have already said I would discuss ideas with my DP and come to an agreement. I was just trying to work out what would be best.

In terms of the children having hope of us getting back together - we have been seperated for 5 years so I really don't think that is an issue atall.

Also to answer some questions - my DP has no ex and no children. It would not be a case of 'sacking him off' atall. We are wanting a long term relationship but it is still early days. I would not be 'throwing him out' - he doesn't live here and would only go for lunch with his family if we both agreed. He actually met myself and my XH together and got to know us both - he is well aware we are only friends and not interested in rekinderling romance.

As I already said I don't envision this situation happening again but as the children have had a very unsettled year I was trying to work out what would be best for them. It is only an idea and I will speak to my DP and then the children as to what they would like. It is quite likely that they will be perfectly happy to have Christmas day just with myself and DP.

If you've been seperated that long it seems even more strange
Have a discussion but don't start with what your plan is, hear out what he wants to do before you dive in with 'so you'll leave, ex h will come, then when he leaves you can come back'
No matter how cool he is wihh the situation, that is a bit of a kick in the nuts, especially if he wanted to have Xmas together

I can't see why they wouldn't think the same if they are together, above their hospital bed after surgery

Funny enough there was a recent thread where the OP wasn't happy her DP and his Ex were travelling in the same car and staying in his sister's house, when their DD was about to have major heart surgery .

Some people are threatened in any situation with an Ex.

LA penguin - it is not strange in that we have continued to have Christmas together since seperation as neither of us had new partners.

The OP said

I would discuss ideas with my DP and come to an agreement.

So why say this *

but don't start with what your plan is, hear out what he wants to do

She said they'd come to an agreement.

Just to add it's not that I don't want to have Christmas with my DP - I just want to do what is right for my children especially as it has been a difficult year. I thought it may be too big a change to not have their dad there this year.

The reason I posted was to see if people thought it was a good idea or not. It has definitely given me a different perspective on the issue which is very much appreciated.

You’ve been separated 5 years and you’re considering spending it with your ex rather than you DP who you’ll have been with for a year?
OP do you actually want your current relationship to work? You know what your proposing is not only odd now but also could cause a lot of hurt to your DP... that’s why you’re asking.