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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do your stepchildren get you birthday presents?

38 replies

BasilFaulty · 05/08/2018 01:48

Any comfort/advice/being told to give my head a wobble is appreciated!

I have been with DH over 3 years, he has 4 children between 5 and 12 years old. The children and I have a wonderful relationship, partly because I think I was very patient in the early days and have now sort of carved my own role in their lives, not mum, (who.is still in their lives and we get on), not a parent, and they appear to love and care for me very much, as I do them. I do a lot for them and I think have managed to so far strike that difficult balance between providing and guiding them without stepping on any toes or overstepping when it's not my business.

When it's DH's birthday, I get them all a present each from them, as well as a card they all write together. Last DH birthday the eldest and I went out together and got him stuff 'from' her but that I bought if that's makes sense. No problems with this and we all enjoy doing it.

Today is my birthday I have never had even so much of a card from them that my DH has organised and, whilst I don't know for certain yet as I haven't opened any presents, I am almost certain I won't have even a card from the stepkids. Not through their own fault of course, but AIBU to think DH could have bought a £1 card and got them to write something in it?

I feel like I sound like a child but I can't help but feel a little hurt that after all I do for them and how much they appear to care about me he doesn't think that I deserve at least that. I also think it's good for the kids as well, hence why I always get them to write their own card and 'Reasons we love daddy'

Just feeling.a little sad, like I'm not worth the thought.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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MirandaWest · 05/08/2018 01:52

That sounds pretty rubbish to me. I’ve been with my DH for 6 years and his adult DS gets me som thing for my birthday and my teenage DC get something for him for his birthday.

What’s your DH like generally at birthdays?

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 05/08/2018 01:57

Thank you so much for replying!

He's great with birthdays, really puts a lot of effort into thoughtful and handpicked gifts, including basically writing a sonnet in my card every year, often mentioning how great I am with the kids etc.

Just popped downstairs and there's presents and only one card from him

Just feeling a bit worthless.

OP posts:

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 05/08/2018 01:59

Oh and for my 30th last year he threw me a massive surprise party with all my friends and family, so it's not like we don't 'do' birthdays. I didn't get a card from them either.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 05/08/2018 07:56

Maybe the card is still with them to write. It's still early to be disappointed by anticipation. Hope the card appear and yes, you do deserve one and they should have thought about it, at least one out of the 5.

NorthernSpirit · 05/08/2018 09:08

Same here.

Been with my OH 4 years, know the DSC 3.5 years. 10 & 13. They wouldn’t even buy their own dad a card or small gift so I take them out and help them get something. They wouldn’t think of getting or even making me a card. My OH organises something from them.

I’m not sure TBH when kids learn the art of giving.

Chin up. Happy birthday.

runningscare · 05/08/2018 09:18

Wouldn't be best pleased about it to tell you the truth.

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 05/08/2018 09:20

Thank you.

We have them this weekend and they're at DH's mum's until later today but I start work at 3pm and won't be seeing them before they go back to their mums so I really don't think it's coming.

I'm going to just put it to the back of my mind today and not let it ruin the day - if still nothing tomorrow I will speak to him then. Does anyone have any idea how best to approach it or what to say?

Feel pretty rubbish right now

OP posts:

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 05/08/2018 09:23

northernspirit

They are still relatively young so not expecting them to get me something themselves, I organise their dad's birthday presents and cards completely and don't mind at all, I enjoy doing it.

But DH hasn't got me even a shitty £1 card from them to write a nice message in. It's his responsibility and he simply hasn't bothered or thought I'm worth a card from them.

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AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 05/08/2018 09:27

My DSS2 has always got me a card (usually a Mum card) and a thoughtful present - he texts either DH or DS asking for ideas a few weeks beforehand (I know this because he does the same when it's DH or DS's birthday, or Fathers Day/our wedding anniversary). He lived with us until he went to uni.

DSS1 doesn't, but he doesn't buy anyone a card or present, we get a text on the day but that's it. He has no money and we would rather he spent what little he has on DGS.

crazydoglady6867 · 05/08/2018 09:30

Even my own son doesn’t get me a card I usually get a text at about 10 at night!! I wouldn’t say anything to your DH as I would never want a card or gift that I had practically forced someone to buy me by making them feel guiltily. I would just not get him anything on his birthday from his children, treat people how they treat you they is my philosophy in life.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 05/08/2018 09:33

We have been together 15 years my DSD now buys me gifts for bday & Xmas but my DSS only for Xmas if he can be bothered I don’t take it personally though as I don’t think he bothers with anyone

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 05/08/2018 10:22

The difference is though that they're teens/adults so they are then responsible for their own present buying.
My stepchildren are still young and their dad is responsible for buying just a card to put a nice message in.
I don't want not expect a present from them, but a card shouldn't be too much of a big ask, especially since we have a strong, loving and healthy relationship and I go all out from them when it's his.

I've just opened a few presents and card from DH and nothing from them, I asked if I'd be seeing them before I start work and he said no so won't be seeing them until weekend after next now. This feels lovely.

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ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 05/08/2018 10:46

It's the stuff like this that makes step parenting so hard - you shower your DSC with time, effort and love then you get brought back down to earth with a bump when you realise your DP/DH takes that side of things for granted. Of course mums get this as well, but at least they receive unconditional love from their DC, unlike us stepmums.

I had this the first year with DH, he actually asked me to help him sort out a Mother's Day card for his ex, whilst I got no acknowledgement from him at all despite doing a lot of their cooking, washing, ironing etc! However I spoke to DH about this and I always get something from him now (I wouldn't expect it from my DSCs themselves, after all it's DH's place to be appreciative of my help, not theirs).

Speak to your DH to explain how you feel and hopefully he'll acknowledge this and fix it for next time. If he doesn't, then down tools and become a Disney step parent i.e. fun stuff only. Your DH needs to recognise your role - his DC are ultimately his responsibility so he needs to appreciate the things you do for him/them. You haven't just slotted into the mother-shaped space his ex left like a long-running soap character being played by a new actor - you have your very own relationship/family dynamic and he needs to acknowledge that.

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 05/08/2018 11:00

Thank you acats you make such good points.

I do feel very taken for granted. He thanks me often and acknowledges what I do for them regularly, which makes this all the more harder because I sort of feel he's only paying lip service. I don't get nor expect mother's or Christmas presents or cards but I think a birthday is different. I go all out for his from all the children and, whilst of course I'm not expecting that, to not even get a shitty corner shop card for them to write something nice in sends a pretty shit message to them apart from anything else.

It feels like no matter how much they care about me and me them, no matter what I do for them, I'll always be an outsider, never really 'in the fold' if that makes sense.

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reallyanotherone · 05/08/2018 11:07

They are still relatively young so not expecting them to get me something themselves

This is your explanation.

I never expect anything off anyone without the capacity to get it themselves.

Your thread title is misleading. It’s not “the stepchildren” getting you a card or a present, it’s your Dh getting you one.

I never buy “on behalf of”. If I’m getting someone a present, i do so. I don’t see why I should buy double to pretend half is from someone else.

So you need to make it clear to your DH that you expect him to buy you a present, and one “from the kids”.

The children aren’t really in the equation until they are old enough to buy presents/cards themselves.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 05/08/2018 11:36

I doubt your DH would believe you if you frequently told him you loved his kids but never actually did anything with/for them. This is the same - why should you believe he appreciates you if he never does anything to demonstrate that? The other stuff he does i.e. birthday cards and presents from him are what you'd be getting anyway so you can take them out of the equation. I don't think it's unreasonable for him to nudge his DC and say "Wouldn't it be nice for Basil if you signed this card to wish her a happy birthday?"

I hope you have a lovely day today anyway

user1484986087 · 05/08/2018 13:36

I have 3 dsc - 8, 14 and 17.
When I first got together with their dad, I would celebrate their birthdays and buy them cards. Last year the 8 year old told me that he didn’t like my present and then there it (a book). He refused to apologise for his behaviour and was eventually told by his dad to write an apology, which he read to me begrudgingly.

The elder 2 never wish me a happy birthday, even when they come to us and see all the birthday cards.

Their father doesn’t seem to care about this as he doesn’t celebrate his birthday. I have given up wishing them a happy birthday and buying them any gifts. I do however celebrate my ds’ birthday (he is 1) and they were here when we celebrated it.

It is painful but I think most of the blame lies with my husband, their dad. He has never encouraged them to wish me a happy birthday as he doesn’t see the point in celebrating birthdays...

nellyolsenscurl · 05/08/2018 13:48

Does your DP buy for his own parents OP? I realised that some children aren't brought up to even acknowledge their parents beats and this carries on until adulthood. Your DP might not realise that this is important to you, so I feel that you need to have it out with him.

As a child my step mum's birthday was something I knew about but never included in (I don't think it ever fell in our contact time). My DF never bought her a card/present on our behalf and tbh I assumed she wasn't bothered at all. When I was 17 I got a phone call from my DF who was livid with me because SM was hysterical that I hadn't acknowledged her birthday. I didn't even know the date! I was actually really angry with both of them, but mostly DF, who dictated every year well in advance what we had to buy him.

My point is that often you need to put your expectation out there.

Original poster

BasilFaulty · 05/08/2018 15:11

Oh he very much knows my feelings, as this is now the third year in a row he's not done anything from them and I mentioned it every time, with increased hurt each year.

OP posts:

OctaviaOctober · 05/08/2018 15:46

It's not on. Whether he means to or not, he's sending the dc's messages about your place in all their lives. I was going to say don't buy presents for him on their behalf, but they'd probably be quite upset by that as I'm sure they like to spoil their DF on his birthday. Does it bother them at all that they haven't marked your birthday? It should, but as the years go by it will just be how things are.

Tell him to organize something today. There's no birthday expiry once you've opened a present. The main thing is that it becomes routine, just as his birthday celebration is.

GrayDays · 05/08/2018 18:42

Your dp is mean. Your feelings matter a lot! The lack of thought is hurtful.
How many people write cards from babies for the first Mother’s Day and bday, so their no excuse at all.
Tell him what you expect and that he hurt and it’s not on.

Singlenotsingle · 05/08/2018 18:55

You shouldn't allow yourself to feel hurt by something like this. It's not important. DH gets you a card and present from himself. That's the important thing. The DSC probably don't even know it's your birthday!

HerondaleDucks · 05/08/2018 18:57

I'm sorry you've had a sad moment. I understand your hurt. Hopefully as they get older they may ask to get you a card and it may prompt him to think about it. Children can forget and they may not have thought about it. Men can also be fairly thoughtless.
Hope you had a nice birthday all the same!

Starbucksbasic123 · 05/08/2018 18:58

No but hey I’ve just got used to it. Step parents have a raw deal....you give a lot for not much in return but forced to just keep being lovely. Your DP should do something but I really think they tip toe especially if “weekend Dads” out of guilt or to keep the peace. I am sorry

confusedmomm · 05/08/2018 19:15

I haven't had anything from DSS but me and DH aren't that big on birthdays so doesn't really bother me. If it means a lot to you then speak to DH about it

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