Do your stepchildren get you birthday presents?

[BasilFaulty]

Any comfort/advice/being told to give my head a wobble is appreciated!

I have been with DH over 3 years, he has 4 children between 5 and 12 years old. The children and I have a wonderful relationship, partly because I think I was very patient in the early days and have now sort of carved my own role in their lives, not mum, (who.is still in their lives and we get on), not a parent, and they appear to love and care for me very much, as I do them. I do a lot for them and I think have managed to so far strike that difficult balance between providing and guiding them without stepping on any toes or overstepping when it's not my business.

When it's DH's birthday, I get them all a present each from them, as well as a card they all write together. Last DH birthday the eldest and I went out together and got him stuff 'from' her but that I bought if that's makes sense. No problems with this and we all enjoy doing it.

Today is my birthday I have never had even so much of a card from them that my DH has organised and, whilst I don't know for certain yet as I haven't opened any presents, I am almost certain I won't have even a card from the stepkids. Not through their own fault of course, but AIBU to think DH could have bought a £1 card and got them to write something in it?

I feel like I sound like a child but I can't help but feel a little hurt that after all I do for them and how much they appear to care about me he doesn't think that I deserve at least that. I also think it's good for the kids as well, hence why I always get them to write their own card and 'Reasons we love daddy'

Just feeling.a little sad, like I'm not worth the thought.

If I was you I would stop buying him presents from them. Stop right now. Het a gift that's from you...but stop paying for and taking them to buy for him.

He knows how you feel and nothing changes. Unless his DC have said they don't want to buy you a card, I don't see why he couldn't help them get you a card.

Thank you all for your replies.

We hadn't really spoken all day and I went to work.

This evening I got in from work and him and the kids had organised a treasure hunt for me from the drive all the way to the bathroom, and the arrows had little 'Reasons why we love Basil'. When I got up to the bathroom he'd run a bath with a load of candles and they'd made me a slideshow on the laptop of all photos of us. It was really very sweet.

We had a long chat and he feels terrible. Says he has well and truly learnt his lesson now and understands why I was so upset and it won't happen again.

Time will tell I suppose. Thank you again for your advice.

That's a really nice update, OP. I'm glad you can end your birthday with a smile.

I would say, had he not sorted himself out, I wouldn't have recommended that you stop buying for him from the kids. That will only make the kids feel rotten. I've been tempted to do it in the past when my ex has been crap at helping DS with my birthday, but I couldn't imagine having him feel awkward about not getting his dad anything.

Hi @BasilFaulty - I'm in the same boat. With dp over three years & have not once received a gift, card or good wish from his kids for any occasion. His are now 18, 15 & 12 (so 15, 12 & 9 when I first met them) & I have said to dp that while I think it's very rude of them I do not want him to tell them to get me stuff - it needs to come from them naturally. Mine just started buying dp small gifts for occasions a few months after they met him.
Dp had them away on holidays a few weeks back & while the kids themselves organized souvenir gifts for their 3 aunts (dp's sisters) they bought nothing for their mum!?! or me (I wasn't on holiday with them). Freud would have great fun with that one!
I'm glad your dp got it together & hopefully things will change from now on.

My ex DSS was not supported by his df to do this. One year I got a card signed by both of them, which really annoyed me.

I took DSS to get gifts for his father and his mother, paying for them myself. It was never much money and the cost didn't matter but the lack of appreciation did. I bought his mother a voucher for him to take her for afternoon tea on mother's Day once, he gave it to her and she said she didn't want to go. It didn't get used.

Anyway, funnily enough, when he was old enough, he bought things for me by himself, Welly socks one year, a small make up bag once, a coaster with an owl on, that sort of thing. So, it was all the dp who was too lazy, the DSS did appreciate me.

Glad your dp has stepped up!

Lovely update.

@BasilFaulty I think you are a lovely SM and I think the problem is mismatching expectations about certain things. You are not asking for too much, but your husband is not in the wrong either (he did get you a card and a gift from himself).
People view things very differently. My DH insisted that all gifts must be wrapped properly, while I think it's a total waste of paper, time and energy, the gift in its original package is perfectly fine by me. My DH thinks buying gifts for each other "for the kids" is a nice gesture and "teaches the kids the meaning of giving", while I am more like if I bought something the gift is from me and the kids can do something non-monetary until they have their own income. I can go on and on forever lol
I think a chat about it will be helpful. You can explain why it is important to you and he may argue why he thinks it's nonsense. You may not reach an agreement, but at least you know where you both stand and no need to second guess "he is mean/only doing the lip service/he doesn't care about me". Enjoy your birthday!

Ah, just saw your update! That's so sweeeeeeeet!

It's hard not to be hurt by it, trust me, been there, done that, but try not to take it to heart.

At the end of the day it's down to their Dad to remind them/get something for them to give you - and guys are not good at that. Kids are generally selfish wee beasties, loveable, but selfish. Even with the best will in the world the concept that the world doesn't revolve around them is a foreign one. My husband is adorable. Very caring, very generous, but he can't remember birthdays to save himself, let alone remind his kids to remember mine (we are a blended family of 6 kids, although they are all young adults now).

The first birthday I had as a blended family his eldest daughter came into the room as I was being wished happy birthday by my son. She looked at me and said "Is it your birthday?" I beamed and said it was, expecting to her to say "happy birthday". Instead she looked at me, said "Oh" and walked off! She was 8 at the time. Over the years they have sometimes wished me happy birthday, sometimes not, as they've got older sometimes I get a gift, sometimes not. It feels weird to me, but I've learned to shrug it off.

As others have said, Step Mums get a raw deal sometimes, and taken for granted ALL the time. It does improve as they get older, but I doubt they will appreciate just how hard it is until they are parents/step parents themselves. Just as most of us didn't realise what our parents did for us when we were kids.

At the end of the day, don't sweat the small stuff, and don't let stuff like this hurt you... and I wouldn't bring it up year after year. It's a waste of time and energy and will only lead to increased hurt and resentment. As much as you want your DP to be more proactive in this area, clearly he's just not wired that way and so it's not going to happen. Let it go. When the kids DO remember your birthday and do something about it (and they will), it will be all the sweeter, and mean more because it will come from the heart, not just because DP did it for them.

Nope. Dss didn't even say happy birthday to me yesterday. Nice eh!

OP I feel the exact same way.

I have been with my OH for three years, get on great with his children and he's never once got them a birthday or Christmas card to sign for me.

It really hurts me, especially as I know he goes to so much effort to make sure they have something to give their mum and their grandparents for every occasion. I would really appreciate the effort from him to help encompass me as part of the family and treat my birthday as he treats everyone else's when it comes to his kids.

It's my 30th this year and I bet it's the same story.

Growing up, neither my dad nor my step mother (together from when I was around 5) invited me to share their birthday celebrations (4 other DC living with them) or let me know when they were. My mum would get me a card to send to my dad, but we genuinely had no clue when hers was. 20 years later my dad told me off for never sending her a present....

No! Definately no. But there again, he doesn't get his mum or dad anything either. No birthday presents or cards nor any Christmas presents or cards. Doesn't even 'say' a Happy Birthday/Christmas to either of them, let alone me. Happy to receive and expects to receive, but never gives anything back. Got up from the Christmas table last year, leaving half his dinner (which I'd spent hours preparing and presenting) and went to 'play' outside (he's 17 by the way, but acts like he's 12 still). Words and remonstrating with him won't stop him doing what he wants and can't 'tie' a 17 year old to his dinner chair can we?