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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Do your Step kids have two birthday parties?

36 replies

Digitallife27 · 29/07/2018 07:04

Just wondering really.

My DD is turning one so as a first time mum I'm making a bit of an effort with it because it's a first birthday. BBQ, our friends who have kids etc. It won't be like this for future birthdays for DD - just close family and some food.

My DH is suggesting we have something similar (the big deal event) for DSD for her birthdays... thing is, her mum organises her birthday every year and we get the text to say "yep, we're doing this this year and it'll start at this time" type of thing. DH has some input in it but it's mainly organised by her mum (understandable because I'm organising this birthday for our DD and my DH has had minimal input).

Do your step children get two birthday parties? I don't see how it would be fair for the other children in the family who only have one party.

i think I feel a bit irked as well because DD's birthday was actually on Thursday, it's school holidays, my DH's sister and kids came up to see DD briefly and other family members popped by as well but DSD's mum didn't make any contact about bringing DSD up so she didn't even see her sister on her birthday. It's not like we don't get on either. She's also taken Dsd away camping for the weekend and said they'd be back by Sunday in time for the BBQ...she's known for her bad time keeping (example: bring her back for 7.30pm but gets her back at 8.45pm). It's kinda annoying because DD won't have had chance to wash or get the chance to wear the nice dress DH bought her (it ended up at her mums house). There have been times when they've done this sort of trip and DSD gets dropped off at ours with the first words "she needs a wash". FYI, her mum's known about this BBQ since April.

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Original poster

Digitallife27 · 29/07/2018 07:23

Also to add, we make sure DSD gets a nice selection of presents for her birthday, stuff she can keep at our house but also stuff that ends up at her mums house given the nature of split households. I am the one who sources out and buys her presents (I start shopping for stuff about two months beforehand) and DH gives me half the money towards it...he's a stereotypical guy who would buy everything the day before (bless him).

OP posts:

ClownsAndJokers · 29/07/2018 07:24

Yeah my child has two birthday parties, one with me and one with his dad. It’s “fair” because he also has to split his time between us and hasn’t got the security of having his mum and dad in the same house unlike others. And plenty of children have more than one birthday party, one for family and one for school friends etc. Let him do the organising if you can’t be bothered. I don’t see why it’s a big deal.

lapenguin · 29/07/2018 07:39

It's fair, some have two Christmases, two holidays, two Easters etc. There should be one pro to being from a split family.
However if mum is doing everything and inviting the right people, eg dad's side of the family, then it doesn't sound like she needs it, unlike when the parents aren't on friendly terms so don't want to share a party. However if he wants to do it he can, but he should organise, he should also decide with mum who is getting invited to which one, school friends shouldn't have to buy presents and set aside two weekends for one party, one should be more family and the other should be more friends for example.

lunar1 · 29/07/2018 07:39

Your husband wants to have a birthday party for both his children. I can't see how this is something to get worked up over. Just leave him to it if it bothers you.

SunnyintheSun · 29/07/2018 07:39

In our house we focus on treating the children fairly while they are with us. What happens at the other houses - extra parties, presents, holidays etc - is out of our control. So, I think having parties (or at least a celebration) at your house for both childrens’ birthdays is reasonable. What the other parent does is irrelevant.

That said, I think if your DH is expecting you to do all the organising for both parties then you have a DH problem. He needs to step up and do his share.

ourkidmolly · 29/07/2018 07:41

Get him to shop for his dd and organise her party if he wants, bless him.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 29/07/2018 07:41

My ds has two parties why should he miss out on celebrating with his df

Original poster

Digitallife27 · 29/07/2018 07:58

DSD's birthday party arrangement is currently close family and friends. Always been that way. The family who travel make sure they book the day off work etc for it and same with the friends (parents who come along too).

For christmas , Easter etc...it all happens on the same dayfor Dsd...we live in the same town and it's a small town. No two Christmas days etc. DH's mum's house is the neutral ground so we all end up there for the day.

i don't mind shopping for presents, I enjoy it and she knows that I do all the present shopping for all special occasions which she finds is nice.

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 29/07/2018 08:02

I can see his logic, that DSD will see your DD getting a big fancy party and feel left out if you don’t do the same for her.

My DSDs have 2 parties, one at our house and one at their Mum's.

You sound a bit resentful, is there a reason for that?

laloup1 · 29/07/2018 08:07

Two of every celebration with my boyfriend’s daughter as contact between parents is very bad and joint anything is simply impossible.

My partner leads on organising everything as our end and I help where needed. Really your partner is perfectly capable of doing it - put him in the driving seat and let him get in with it.
Ref your comment about something not being fair - maybe you need to reconsider what matters. Your DSD spreads her life across two homes and does not have a peppa pig perfect family unit. She might find that unfair. Ensuring that she feels special in both her homes in celebration of her birthday seems reasonable.
With regards to your daughter - there may well be years when her sister is at her mums on the day of her birthday. She could also always have two parties to ensure she gets to celebrate with her sister - you could create a nice little tradition around a mini catch-up party if needed
It’s not easy navigating the waters - you have to reinvent some of the traditional stuff to find ways to make it work for your family.

Original poster

Digitallife27 · 29/07/2018 08:16

It's kinda the feeling of "don't really want to tread on DSD's mum's toes" as it's her thing. We've never discussed about hosting something else for DSD, her views on certain things is different to ours and she makes comments. For example, we took DSD Halloween trick or treating and we knocked on every door that had a pumpkin lit up... DSD's mum made a side comment to us about how they only knock on houses that they know and then DSD got a bit of a hard time for it. (Ugh)

OP posts:

laloup1 · 29/07/2018 08:25

I sympathise. Our situation is quite extreme but after every single time my boyfriend’s daughter is with us he receives an email criticising everything his daughter has revealed in what appears to be a post-stay interrogation. We have learned to ignore all I irrelevant criticism and to never expect any kind of validation.
So what if you knocked on a door with a pumpkin belonging to someone you didn’t know. Was your DSD supervised and safe? Did she have a good time? Was she making happy memories with her dad? These are the things that matter.

Original poster

Digitallife27 · 29/07/2018 08:37

Yeah, my DH, me and DD (who was 4 months at the time) were with her during Halloween trick or treating, we worked it around before having to drop her off at her mums. She really enjoyed it and even bumped into some friends so they did some group trick or treating at some houses.

I mean as I said before we get on and it's civil but we still get comments. Even get comments about the clothes we buy DSD (zara, monsoon type of thing), her mum said howshes trying to not get DSD into brands and stuff. roll eyes - everything is a brand, even the independent stuff.

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MeridianB · 29/07/2018 08:39

If your DD has a party thrown by you and DSD has a party thrown by her mother then I doubt anyone will feel left out. I’d let ex lead the party for DSD if she’s happy to and pitch in on that. Unless ex would prefer your DH to take it on?

PrettyLovely · 29/07/2018 08:49

From my understanding of your op you all go to her birthday party so it would be strange her having two, I also wouldnt want to tread on dsds Mums toes.

Original poster

Digitallife27 · 29/07/2018 08:49

So a couple of years ago DSD said to us she wanted party bags and a piñata, we were like "okay cool!" And told her mum. We prepped them and then it was ended up being a last minute picnic up a hill organised by her mum (It was a DSD weekend for us) so by the time it ended everyone went home and we never got to do the piñata (we thought the plan was that we'd up end back at DH's mum's house). It just ended up being DSD and her cousins doing that part which was a shame

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Original poster

Digitallife27 · 29/07/2018 08:51

Yeah, we all go to the party that's organised. I even mark it as a day to book off work as soon as it's April (annual leave renewal) if it's a week day. Her birthday is in February.

OP posts:

MeridianB · 29/07/2018 08:54

Not sure how old DSD is but you may be overthinking it all a bit. As long as she had a good time with her loved ones and friends then that’s what matters.

Original poster

Digitallife27 · 29/07/2018 08:59

DSD had wanted to help out with her sister's birthday party, she wanted to help bake cupcakes (we used to bake cupcakes together a lot but we have to reduce the excess sugar at the moment due to health reasons) but unfortunately her mum organised their getaway. She did help with prepping decorations though and she was pretty excited about it.

OP posts:

WhiteCat1704 · 29/07/2018 09:04

Hmmm...nothing wrong about SD having two parties, however, I wouldn't like what seems like a competitive nature of it...He only wants SD to have a party at yours because you organised it for DD..why wasn't he bothered before?

If he insists I would probably say that he can organize it-all of it..NOT you..

And then if he actually does(might not if HE has to do it) and the party goes well I would ask him to organize BOTH parties for both girls going forwards..obviously depends how much you like organizing parties ;)

PepperAndPops · 29/07/2018 09:15

My children have one celebration with my side of the family and another with their Dad. And something with their school friends too. I don't get on with their Dad but even if I did it would be too much all in one go as we have big families and they are very different. It works for us.

I think you need to forget about what DSD does with her Mum in terms of making things fair. And just think about what you and DH do .

SM2132 · 29/07/2018 09:24

My SS has his party with his school friends/whatever his mum has organised (we don't go). Then we go out for the day for his birthday when we have him/go somewhere he wants.

MeridianB · 29/07/2018 10:00

The day out is a really nice compromise to two full-on parties.

Original poster

Digitallife27 · 29/07/2018 10:36

Yeah, that's a good idea re a day trip out. Thanks!

OP posts:

user1493413286 · 29/07/2018 15:28

Do you go to the birthday party her mum organises? We tend to do a family day out to a place of DSDs choice

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