New/ 4 kids/ first holiday/ struggling

[g059902]

Hello everyone.

I’m just after a bit of help and guidance tbh.

I have been with my OH for over a year. Ordinarily we have a fab relationship and are very much in love.

A lot has happened and changed over the last few months including the introduction of his 2 kids (2.5 and 8).
I have 2 kids (2.5 and 6).

Our children are very different and it’s very apparent they have been bought up differently. (Before anyone says anything I am fully aware every child is different and that’s how life is).

I have been a single working mum throughout my kids lives with very little or no support. In my home we are used to strict routine/ having family rules/children are children and should be treated as such/adults need adult time, there are appropriate bedtimes/I cook/prepare a meal and it’s gets ate, if people don’t like it then tough. (I neither have the time or patience or money to cook more dinners). I fair but also firm. I like my kids to be kids as long as they can (playing with toys/being adventurous etc). We show each other lots of love and create lots of opportunity for laughter. This works for us. I get it wouldn’t for everyone.

My OH’s children come from a very different world. 8 year old is treated like an adult (what does she want to eat/watch on tv/do for the day/bed at 11/12 at night/if something doesn’t want to be done, no I don’t want to make the bed because.../I don’t want to come in from the rain because...then that’s ok/plenty of family support (financial or otherwise- grandparents have over twice a week/will buy anything she wants etc). 2.5 year old similar sort of thing - eat what he wants/if he wants/no fruit or veg/co-dependant.
I guess that works for them and their mum/grandparents.

How do people deal with such differences?

They aren’t bad kids and they aren’t doing anything on purpose. Just what they’re used to. I 100% want to manage this in the best way for us all.

My OH doesn’t help by following in suit (because that’s what they know).
I’m finding it difficult to manage my 2 and the rules and habits I have built with them. Should my children and I compensate on our rules and the way we live to accommodate?

My OH and I basically live together (he has to stay where he works some nights but otherwise he’s with me) and has been in my kids lives for well over a year. He has a good relationship with them and understands me and my kids and how we are.

I have tried to approach that same rules should apply but that went down like a shit storm.

I also believe all children should be treated the same and equally.
At the moment I feel their is a divide and it’s him and his children and me and mine.
For instance yesterday we were going out for the day and my OH stopped in his car with his kids at the shop to get a drink he also bought his eldest a ball. As soon as we arrived at the destination my eldest said ‘what have you got there’, she replied ‘a ball and it’s mine’. I said ‘that’s really nice and I bet you can share can’t you’, she said ‘yep, but I’m the one taking home!’
2 things here - 1 gift for 1 child and not the other 3. Personally think it should all get the same or none get anything. And secondly - manners and sharing. I would have taken the ball off her and gave it to the 6 year old.
OH had a chat about it and that was the end of that. Ball still in the car and I’m sure she’s had fun with it in the car (small hand/stress ball).

Because of the late night bed time and the co-dependant 2.5 year old we get zero time together - not that I expect an abundance anyway but still a nice walk holding hands or some time in front of tv or eating a meal together wouldn’t go a miss. I’m totally of sex (which isn’t normal for us) probably because of all this and that’s the only intimacy we’re getring atm - although not really working for me.
Currently on our first family holiday and I’m massively struggling. Feeling very alone, unhappy and sad about life-very unlike me.
I want to be a good role model for his children and a great step mum, but struggle to see how right now. I 100% would walk over hot coals to make my OH happy and want him to have the best relationship he can with his kids. He has them every other weekend normally and throughout the holidays. His job means he is posted abroad (he doesn’t have a choice for now at least) and his Ex was the one that ended the marriage they had and he moved with work accordingly.

Please help me with some experienced objective advice.

TIA

You've been together a very short time and unfortunately, when kids are involved, sometimes the relationship doesn't work out because of such differences, in the same way that the relationship wouldn't work out if you had vast differences in how you deal with money.

It is often whilst moving together that these comes to light. Unfortunately, it is likely that you'll have to accept that you can't make it work if it makes you feel so resentful already.

Have you spoken to your DP? Agreed some basic rules you can't move on eg bedtimes or meals and then move on some others? That way you will find the situation less stressful and it will be clear on all rules.
I'm wierd about loud noises and conflicting tech noises eg three children on three diff tech all at diff volumes. Rule is in adult areas eg not their bedroom or playroom it's on silent or headphones. Small rule but changed my life! So much happier and it means we do stuff eg a film night as a family with popcorn etc

I hear that - although I’m not one to throw the towel in at the first hurdle. Obvs it’s going to be difficult and we need to manage it and work through it but I don’t think either of us anticipated how difficult that’s might be.
This is a big hurdle undoubtedly and the first we have encountered so will be a test of our relationship ship for sure. Hence why I’m looking for advice and experience. Life isn’t supposed to be easy all the time is it?
We may not last but I don’t think it’s time to ring the bell just yet. Although don’t get me wrong this week and really tested me!
There are many emotions and feelings and personalities racing around and my OH and I need to be sure we are handling each and everyone of them as best as we can including are own.

the setring and creating rules that suit us both is important and where we are atm I guess however I just don’t know where to start. Do people draw up lists? What happens if you forget one?
wheres the wine? Adulting is too hard

Step parent here too.
It does sound a little bit like your idea of compromise is everyone doing it your way...
I don't agree that if your DP buys his kid a toy it has to be shared either.,
The dynamic of being on this first holiday is probably hard for everyone.
I hated family holidays to tell the truth, perpetual compromise, virtually never doing what I'd rather be doing, haemorrhaging money! But it had it's highlights and we had fun along the way too.
My SC's would stick like glue either side of their Dad, which was a pita, but I think was because they were a bit scared and he made them feel safe. Even weirder was if he was absent, they're do it to me! I don't think they could articulate exactly how they felt about everything, and I think maybe with your SC's what seems a bit like bratty behaviour is seeking reassurance or attention.
I'm not a fan of lists of rules (suspect I'm much more like your DP's ex regarding childcare) but I do agree you need to find a middle way or this relationship will cost you dear to continue.
Basic rules are good, around kindness, politeness,etc and kids can adapt perfectly well to different rules in different homes.

I have exactly the same principles as you and bring up my children in a near identical way! It's nice to hear that I'm not alone. I can't offer anything more than this thread which is very interesting reading and will hopefully help you decide what to do www.blendedfamilyfocus.com/different-rules/

Why don't you sit down as a family, children included, and make up a list of rules that works for everyone. Don't have too many, 4 or 5 at most, concentrating on the behaviours that needs most work. Bedtime for example is important. Everyone agrees the rules, everyone follows the rules, parents included.

Personally I never force children to share. I think children need to learn ownership before they can learn to share.

You sound quite strict, especially with the comment about coming inside when it rains.

Do people draw up lists? What happens if you forget one?

We have drawn up a list together as a family and put the 'house rules' on the fridge. If you only have 4 you won't forget. Once a rule becomes second nature you can exchange it for another area that needs work.

You can't change everything over night so focus on a couple of things.

I am not a step parent, but my children are very close to their cousins who have very different rules to us. (My sister and I help each other for childcare for work so see them 3-4 times a week).
I can't make her children behave like mine so I explain to my 8 year old parents have different ways of working. "We all want what's best for our children, I have to do what I think is best for you. You have to eat your veg because it is healthy. Your cousin hasn't learned that yet, his mum will teach him when it works for them. You already know this" my DD accepts this when things seem unfair.

I am very like you in parenting style, and my DD fairly well behaved. But my 8 year old could easily have made the comment about the ball being mine. I would have said 'yes it's yours but you know you have to share your toys' if I was dh. Also I would never have brought 1 gift to a car of 4 children!!

I never force children to share. I think they need to learn ownership before they learn to share. How does this work? What if they just want to own things

I think you have to be on the same page, You both sound like you are on a completely different book tbh when it comes to parenting!
I do things similarly to how you do I couldnt put up with someone parenting so differently like that.
I also really dont agree about buying one child something and not the others, I think the ball should have been shared.
To merge a family you cant have two different sets of rules it will never work.
Me and my husband met and managed to successfully merge our kids as we have the same views of how we want to bring our kids up, We had the same routines and the same expectations of behaviour so I cant give you alot of advice there.
Maybe have another sit down about it and lay your cards on the table and explain how you feel.

What if they just want to own things

Well that's their choice. Adults often chose not to share.

If they chose not to share, I may decide not to share my things. They learn that people are more likely to share with them if they share with others.

I agree though that it's unwise to buy a gift for one child in the car and not others (birthdays aside). It's not at all fair and is unlikely to help the children get along with each other.

You need to read your post as if you are outside the situation. You can't just throw two completely different families together, draw up a set of rules everyone should obey and carry on with life.

At present you are completely incompatible in your parenting. You need to take ten big steps back, not live together and maybe do something all together each visit for an hour or so.

You and you boyfriend should sit and decide on how you could both change and compromise to a point where you could sing from the same sheet.

Then both spend time with your own children making small changes in the right direction and only increase contact between families once you are more compatible.

If you persist in the current arrangements nothing but misery and resentment lies ahead for all six of you.

It does sound a little bit like your idea of compromise is everyone doing it your way...
That's often the problem. You need to ask yourself if you are really prepared to compromise, same with your OH. You seem quite confident and happy that the way you bring up your kids is right. Nothing wrong with this at all, but how do you feel by agreeing to do things differently that you don't think is best by them in order to compromise?

Personally, I would only have been willing to compromise to a very low level because I did have strong views on how I wanted to raise my kids and any significant variation from it would have compromised by views on raising children, so therefore it was essential that the partner I chose to spend my life with had similar views to mine.

I was of course prepared to teach my kids that they had to adapt some of their ways to consider the needs of my OH, but not to take a much stricter or lenient approach.

As soon as we arrived at the destination my eldest said ‘what have you got there’, she replied ‘a ball and it’s mine’. I said ‘that’s really nice and I bet you can share can’t you’, she said ‘yep, but I’m the one taking home!’ I would have taken the ball off her and gave it to the 6 year old

That makes no sense to me at all. I don't think this is a terrible response from a 2.5yo learning about the notion of sharing, and I don't understand why, if considered that it isn't, it justify the other child having the ball just because they were the one asking about the ball.
I think your OH's reaction to talk about it was totally appropriate, so yes, if I was him, it's your reaction that you have annoyed me.

Not that one is right and the other wrong, but ultimately, compromising in such situation can be very difficult because it requires to reconsider your principles.

"That makes no sense to me at all. I don't think this is a terrible response from a 2.5yo learning about the notion of sharing, "

I believe it was his eldest that had the ball @Swing his eldest is 8.

I believe it was his eldest that had the ball @Swing his eldest is 8
It is indeed. I assumed it was because I can't imagine getting involved in a conversation about a toy between an 8 and 6yo, at least not before they get to the stage of arguing or fighting. There was no need to intervene at this point.

I think lunar summed the situation perfectly.

Throwing the towel in early sometimes is actually the kindest thing to do rather than years down the line when you still cant get past differing parenting styles

For the sake of the kids i mean.

The ball thing is a non-issue and your response would have annoyed me. I don’t agree with everyone or no one; being fair and equal doesn't mean everyone gets exactly the same at the same point. Also, taking it off her would have been ridiculous.

Do you want to compromise or do you want it to carry on the way it’s always been in your house?

Why has he been in your kids lives over a year when you've only been together that long??

Sounds like you all need to step back and stop rushing into blended families.

I'm confused re the ball although agree it's a tiny issue! 8yo said would share but as it's there's they are taking it home at the end of the holiday? Why would you take it off them and give to your child for saying this? As l see they are correct and agreeing to share while they are together.

Sorry this is not going to work it will only get worse in fact. Cut your losses now and save a lifetime of heartache

Why do you all have to be together the whole time? Can't he spend some time on his own with his kids?
Are his kids only with you at the weekend normally?
Surely on holiday half the fun is staying up later and not having such a strict routine?
If they are with you at the weekends normally can't you stick to the routine during the week and be more relaxed at the weekend?
None of the kids involved chose the arrangements you have. It's also not their fault that you don't like the way they have been parented. Honestly are you sure you want to continue with your partner living with you if you dislike his parenting style so much or are your kids your business?
In which case you need to back off with his.
You sound like a good mum and I can tell you want things to work out well. Your heart is definitely in the right place. Ask yourself are your expectations realistic?
God luck

*ha ha good luck!

I agree that you come across as having your heart in the right place, but at the same time, if you are so frustrated and upset with the situation to the point that if affects your intimacy, maybe you are getting too emotionally involved in the whole thing.

It's so easy to feel that we know best how to bring up kids especially when your kids are themselves well-behaved caring individuals, but there really isn't one way to raise kids well. If you want things to work out, you need to focus on this:
They aren’t bad kids and they aren’t doing anything on purpose. Just what they’re used to
So in essence, very much like your kids.