New/ 4 kids/ first holiday/ struggling

[g059902]

Hello everyone.

I’m just after a bit of help and guidance tbh.

I have been with my OH for over a year. Ordinarily we have a fab relationship and are very much in love.

A lot has happened and changed over the last few months including the introduction of his 2 kids (2.5 and 8).
I have 2 kids (2.5 and 6).

Our children are very different and it’s very apparent they have been bought up differently. (Before anyone says anything I am fully aware every child is different and that’s how life is).

I have been a single working mum throughout my kids lives with very little or no support. In my home we are used to strict routine/ having family rules/children are children and should be treated as such/adults need adult time, there are appropriate bedtimes/I cook/prepare a meal and it’s gets ate, if people don’t like it then tough. (I neither have the time or patience or money to cook more dinners). I fair but also firm. I like my kids to be kids as long as they can (playing with toys/being adventurous etc). We show each other lots of love and create lots of opportunity for laughter. This works for us. I get it wouldn’t for everyone.

My OH’s children come from a very different world. 8 year old is treated like an adult (what does she want to eat/watch on tv/do for the day/bed at 11/12 at night/if something doesn’t want to be done, no I don’t want to make the bed because.../I don’t want to come in from the rain because...then that’s ok/plenty of family support (financial or otherwise- grandparents have over twice a week/will buy anything she wants etc). 2.5 year old similar sort of thing - eat what he wants/if he wants/no fruit or veg/co-dependant.
I guess that works for them and their mum/grandparents.

How do people deal with such differences?

They aren’t bad kids and they aren’t doing anything on purpose. Just what they’re used to. I 100% want to manage this in the best way for us all.

My OH doesn’t help by following in suit (because that’s what they know).
I’m finding it difficult to manage my 2 and the rules and habits I have built with them. Should my children and I compensate on our rules and the way we live to accommodate?

My OH and I basically live together (he has to stay where he works some nights but otherwise he’s with me) and has been in my kids lives for well over a year. He has a good relationship with them and understands me and my kids and how we are.

I have tried to approach that same rules should apply but that went down like a shit storm.

I also believe all children should be treated the same and equally.
At the moment I feel their is a divide and it’s him and his children and me and mine.
For instance yesterday we were going out for the day and my OH stopped in his car with his kids at the shop to get a drink he also bought his eldest a ball. As soon as we arrived at the destination my eldest said ‘what have you got there’, she replied ‘a ball and it’s mine’. I said ‘that’s really nice and I bet you can share can’t you’, she said ‘yep, but I’m the one taking home!’
2 things here - 1 gift for 1 child and not the other 3. Personally think it should all get the same or none get anything. And secondly - manners and sharing. I would have taken the ball off her and gave it to the 6 year old.
OH had a chat about it and that was the end of that. Ball still in the car and I’m sure she’s had fun with it in the car (small hand/stress ball).

Because of the late night bed time and the co-dependant 2.5 year old we get zero time together - not that I expect an abundance anyway but still a nice walk holding hands or some time in front of tv or eating a meal together wouldn’t go a miss. I’m totally of sex (which isn’t normal for us) probably because of all this and that’s the only intimacy we’re getring atm - although not really working for me.
Currently on our first family holiday and I’m massively struggling. Feeling very alone, unhappy and sad about life-very unlike me.
I want to be a good role model for his children and a great step mum, but struggle to see how right now. I 100% would walk over hot coals to make my OH happy and want him to have the best relationship he can with his kids. He has them every other weekend normally and throughout the holidays. His job means he is posted abroad (he doesn’t have a choice for now at least) and his Ex was the one that ended the marriage they had and he moved with work accordingly.

Please help me with some experienced objective advice.

TIA

All sounds very rushed, perhaps take a step back and not try to blend the families already.

You sound like both of you have been extremely selfish in you’re relationship and love for one another that you completely disregarded your dcs feelings.You basically threw a generade into the situation. Think from his DCs point a view they have literally started living with a woman and her kids that were complete strangers a year ago in her house so I would imagine they don’t have any personal space for themselves and being forced to comply with her rules and going on holiday and from your dc POV they have their mothers new bf and kids staying over invading their space. Living together should be something years down the line when things are more established. You say you don’t want to throw the towel in but you need to consider the dc in the situation, they didn’t ask for this.

I agree with pp that you think your way is the right way. I'm not as strict as you...but not as lax as your OH.

With the ball situation...I think his DDs response was ok. She agreed to share but would be taking it home. Her dad bought it for her....so it's hers.

Why would you have given it to your child? Makes no sense at all...unless you wanted to start ww3.

His DC don't seem to get alone time with him though...it's always with you and your DC. How much parenting is he actually doing?

From his kids POV...they don't ever have him to themselves. As your kids sleep early isn't that when you can get some adult time When his are eith their mum?

It all sounds very rushed, you sound quite controlling and calling a 2.5 y
ear old child co-dependent several times makes it sound as if you are both very different parents and this won't work. Him buying a present for 1 child really isn't on. I think in the best interests of all of the dc you should keep things separate rather than b!ended, even if you are not getting as much sex as you want.

My advice depends on how often his DC are going to be with you (outside of holidays) and how much this is going to become and issue.

Firstly, you are a single parent and your 2.5 year old as a result has a very secure attachment to you. (Im concluding when you say single parent, your child is not transtioning regularly between one parent and another).
Your DP’s 2.5 year old does not have that same attachment to her father because she doesn’t live with him. She no doubt misses him, is a baby in so much that she will be experiencing complex emotions that she will have no idea how to manage. That will mean that she will be highly attached (like a magnet) to your DP. This isn’t going to lessen anytime soon.

Re the parenting style? You and your DP have to talk about these things when the holiday is over. Calmly and with both of you happy to compromise.
I think the suggestion of children making their rules is superb. See what all the children want and see if that helps?