My DS with DH is a lovely boy, he’s 5 and has some disabilities. DSGS (is that right? Step grandson) is 6.
DH has started to take DS around to DSGS every week, and has also wanted to stay at home when I visit my family. I would prefer DH to come with DS. He then has DSGS around the house all weekend. There’s lots of talk about them being best friends. If I bring DS away then DH doesn’t see DSGS at all.
I’ve been feeling more and more uncomfortable about this. I actually feel a bit sick thinking about it.
There is background which may be relevant. Step grandsons mother, my DSD, is not his biological daughter but he’s had her since birth and adopted her. There seems to be an awkward relationship, as she’s completely different from DH, but he feels guilt and she seems to be able to manipulate him. For example she moved in with him after they separated as he let her do what she wanted, including dropping out of college, moving in her boyfriend and getting pregnant age 18.
She has been very angry and jealous of me. She blamed me for pushing her out even though I did not. She was pregnant and wanted a flat with her boyfriend, which DH helped her with. I moved in after she moved out. I reached out to her, tried to build a relationship, bought stuff for her baby, just generally tried to be nice but not in her face. I just thought, it’s a hard time for her, she blames me because it’s easiest, I’ll let it wash over me and time will heal.
Except it didn’t. It’s 6 years later and although it’s not constant, her animosity towards me is still there. I get pulled into a false sense of security, I see her at events and have a chat, even though I do find her tricky as she’s always complaining about someone, but I just don’t want any bad feelings. But then she’ll have spread ill feeling about me again. Last time it was because I carried on with hoovering upstairs while she came in to see DH for half an hour. She told DH that I was deliberately being nasty and that I had no respect for her. The time before I’d sat down and chatted to her and looked after her son. All fine I thought. Then she told DHs mother that I just made her ‘so uncomfortable’ and that I didn’t like her in the house.
I could go on but it’s all a bit depressing. Her and her mother are very, very close, and her mother despises me. They both work together in the same place so I’m sure that can’t help.
One of her issues is that she’s a single mum now and she works 4 days a week (including weekends). She does not pay for any childcare but expects her family to do it. Her younger sisters do it a lot, and her Nan, her mother doesn’t really. I know her sisters are getting pretty fed up as they’ve done it years now.
She wanted me to do childminding but I have my own child and I won’t do it. Mostly because her parenting is very different, she lets her son do what he wants but I’m quite a focused parent, bordering on the helicopter but that’s me. I know there is a lot of pressure on DH to do this.
And now increasingly the two boys are seemingly spending every weekend together. Am I being unreasonable in just wanting our family to be me, DS and DH? Without continued conflict? Every time DSGS is here there’s some I’ll feeling spread about me, and if I insist on going with DH I will just end up childminding two kids.
All his kids are adults now. Help! Is there anything that I can without coming across as an awful person?