Uncomfortable about 6 year old Step Grandchild and DS being best friends

[Tiredperson]

My DS with DH is a lovely boy, he’s 5 and has some disabilities. DSGS (is that right? Step grandson) is 6.

DH has started to take DS around to DSGS every week, and has also wanted to stay at home when I visit my family. I would prefer DH to come with DS. He then has DSGS around the house all weekend. There’s lots of talk about them being best friends. If I bring DS away then DH doesn’t see DSGS at all.

I’ve been feeling more and more uncomfortable about this. I actually feel a bit sick thinking about it.

There is background which may be relevant. Step grandsons mother, my DSD, is not his biological daughter but he’s had her since birth and adopted her. There seems to be an awkward relationship, as she’s completely different from DH, but he feels guilt and she seems to be able to manipulate him. For example she moved in with him after they separated as he let her do what she wanted, including dropping out of college, moving in her boyfriend and getting pregnant age 18.

She has been very angry and jealous of me. She blamed me for pushing her out even though I did not. She was pregnant and wanted a flat with her boyfriend, which DH helped her with. I moved in after she moved out. I reached out to her, tried to build a relationship, bought stuff for her baby, just generally tried to be nice but not in her face. I just thought, it’s a hard time for her, she blames me because it’s easiest, I’ll let it wash over me and time will heal.

Except it didn’t. It’s 6 years later and although it’s not constant, her animosity towards me is still there. I get pulled into a false sense of security, I see her at events and have a chat, even though I do find her tricky as she’s always complaining about someone, but I just don’t want any bad feelings. But then she’ll have spread ill feeling about me again. Last time it was because I carried on with hoovering upstairs while she came in to see DH for half an hour. She told DH that I was deliberately being nasty and that I had no respect for her. The time before I’d sat down and chatted to her and looked after her son. All fine I thought. Then she told DHs mother that I just made her ‘so uncomfortable’ and that I didn’t like her in the house.

I could go on but it’s all a bit depressing. Her and her mother are very, very close, and her mother despises me. They both work together in the same place so I’m sure that can’t help.

One of her issues is that she’s a single mum now and she works 4 days a week (including weekends). She does not pay for any childcare but expects her family to do it. Her younger sisters do it a lot, and her Nan, her mother doesn’t really. I know her sisters are getting pretty fed up as they’ve done it years now.

She wanted me to do childminding but I have my own child and I won’t do it. Mostly because her parenting is very different, she lets her son do what he wants but I’m quite a focused parent, bordering on the helicopter but that’s me. I know there is a lot of pressure on DH to do this.

And now increasingly the two boys are seemingly spending every weekend together. Am I being unreasonable in just wanting our family to be me, DS and DH? Without continued conflict? Every time DSGS is here there’s some I’ll feeling spread about me, and if I insist on going with DH I will just end up childminding two kids.

All his kids are adults now. Help! Is there anything that I can without coming across as an awful person?

I bought up the non biological fact because I didn’t want to drip feed. And it does have relevance, DSD is very like her mother and very unlike her father which is a tricky combination for us. I think it may be one of the reasons DSD is mean towards me, and DH feels especially protective.

However I may well be overthinking and it’s really a total non issue. Prepared to accept I may be wrong to even bring this up.

And it does have relevance, DSD is very like her mother and very unlike her father which is a tricky combination for us

I am just like my dad and not like my mother at all. Both are my biological parents.

My Dp is very much like his mother. Technically she is his step mother, though she brought him up since he was 14 months. His biological mother left him and his older sisters when he was 3 months. I never met his dad as he passed away 10 years ago. But all dps sister say he isn't like his dad, just like their mum. Though his mum never adopted him.

In turn Dp has a son with his ex wife. Technically it's his step son. No one, least of all me, ever thinks of him not being dps biological son. He is dps son. End of. Again, legally Dp is not his legal father. It doesn't matter.

The biology makes no difference at all. Your dh is her dad.

The biology makes no difference at all. Your dh is her dad.

Of course biology makes a difference. A LOT of traits are inherited and genetic and it's easier to have a bond with SC if you see similarities to your OH.

I don’t understand why you’re getting a hard time on here.

Your dh takes your son to his dds house EVERY weekend, somewhere you’re not welcome. When do you get quality time with your son?

Of course biology makes a difference. A LOT of traits are inherited and genetic and it's easier to have a bond with SC if you see similarities to your OH.

And the dd could have been the the biological child and still been nothing like him. As given in my examples.

You have proved my point though. That biology would be important to step parent bonding. So you are saying the OP can't bind with her dsd because she is nothing like her dh?

It doesn't matter to the dh or his daughter. It shouldn't matter to the OP.

Do you really think if a couple adopt a child and they split, that subsequent partners can't bond with their step child? So you do view adopted children as different to children living with their biological parent?

as always I think the real issue is your DH - this stood out to me

DH has started to take DS around to DSGS every week, and has also wanted to stay at home when I visit my family. I would prefer DH to come with DS. He then has DSGS around the house all weekend. There’s lots of talk about them being best friends. If I bring DS away then DH doesn’t see DSGS at all.

Your issues with your stepdaughter aside this is telling that he wont come or bring your DS when you visit your family and if you do bring your DS he does see his DSGS at all

op deep down I think you are a bit jealous of his grandson. I’m not trying to be mean. But I think you should have a real look at why you have this problem with a child.

They might not be blood but they are family. And your son will only benefit from a loving friendship with another child.

I can see why your husband is in conflict over him as he sees him as his true grandchild and your making him choose.

Ignore his mother. But her son is not her.

I can’t ignore his mother. There’s no peaceful compromise here. She consistently stirs up trouble about me, that’s the point. If this animosity wasn’t there it would be much less stressful. I’m not asking DH to choose, I’m just fed up with the dynamic where I’m not welcome and this is happening every week. DH can go see his DSGS whenever he likes, just not every time with DS.

The reason they both do this is it’s less work for them anyway. DSD didn’t even send a card or message at DSs birthday last year. It’s more convenience than anything.

I don’t think DSD would put up with this if it were the other way around. She banned her own sister from seeing her DS for a while!

@thedutchwife I have nothing against the child. I don’t want the conflict that results, from an increasing amount of contact, that’s the key.

I think one of the reasons I’m feeling very uncomfortable is that I can see DH and/or me are being lined up as weekend childminders. I’ve said no before and this has caused DSD to get angry with both of us. She got realky cross when I was pregnant that we wouldn’t take grandson for a week, as a baby. Me and DH both worked full time! She works every weekend and uses her sisters to mind, but reading between the lines I think they are starting to not want to do this.

@fmlfml I am getting less and less quality time with DS, and so little now with DH. I don’t even know when this is going to happen, it gets sprung on me. I actually can’t remember the last time me and DH had the whole weekend to ourselves. I’ve suggested it.

I think he’d like to just relax with me more. I think there’s a lot of guilt trippping in the background. He often sorts out everything for DSD, from ordering Xmas presents to repairs. Obviously a lot of this is nice to see, he’s helping her. But sometimes it’s extreme. He was asked to sort out his grandsons books for school. I sorted out our sons books, that felt kind of weird.

I am getting less and less quality time with DS, and so little now with DH
So this is what it is all about really and as often the case, the issue is your relationship, nothing to do with the rest of the family.

If you are both working FT, then week-ends are especially precious and of course making time with your partner and young child should come before spending time with grown-up extended family members.

You say that the daughter works week-end and the child is minded by the sister, so is this the sister your OH go and spend time with?

I think you are spot on with your DH bringing your child to play with the other to relieve a bit of the pressure on his minder daughter. It's difficult because it is good that the other daughter works, but the question is why is she working week-ends rather than during the week unless the issue is finding work between school hours and having no one to help looking after her child after school.

As a parent, if one of my kid had a child at a young age, the last thing I would want is there to be fully dependent on benefit, so yes, if week-ends was the only time they could work, I would want to try to help with childcare. Not an easy situation.

You want to keep two children apart because you don't get on with the mother. Don't you understand you're punishing your own child by keeping him from his friend when the friend isn't the problem here

YANBU. Been in a similar situation featuring guilt and manipulation heaped upon a man who hates any form of confrontation and would give anything for a quiet life. Take a deep breath and insist on having quality time with your son, say, every other weekend to build your own special relationship. Your life, your son, your choice. I suspect DH will be relieved that someone has taken the bull by the horns so he doesn't have to.

Helping your adult children doesn't have to be a result of guilt and manipulation. Many of my friends and colleagues had parents who offered s lot of and regular childcare. They do it because they want to build a close relationship with their grand children and because they still want to support their children.

I agree that OP's husband should consider OP's feelings but it doesn't mean that helping his adults children is wrong. OP refused to help with childcare over the weekends which I can understand if she is working FT but it does make matters more difficult.

It's not easy to bre stuck in the middle wanting to be a supportive parent whilst also being a supportive partner when they can do so to both at the same time.

@swing the sisters are getting fed up of the childminding. So DH takes out DSGS on his own. So effectively it means he sees less of his other daughters as they just want childminding free time. I know that DH would rather not childmind. He’s building his relationships with his adult children around the cinema and meeting for coffee, that’s his preference.

I feel no guilt whatsoever for not childminding, why should I? Even if I wasn’t working I have a child already and DSD spreads bad feeling about me, why should I mind her child? I’ve looked after my step kids as children but they are adults now. And I have my own child. We have our own child to look after. DHs parenting is first and foremost with his children, not grandchildren. Grandchildren have their own mum and dad to prioritise them.

@sicario phew somebody gets this. I don’t want to get into a battle over DHs time, so I stand back on this. DH definitely like this, hates confrontation and is very soft. DSD does heap on the guilt, she took weekend work without having any agreed childminding and it’s been an issue ever since. Having my own sons time limited is what is really getting my goat.

@potato my son is not given a choice of friendship here. He’s perfectly happy not to see DSGS all the time. Doesn’t affect him in the slightest. Yes I’d rather he be close to other kids where there is not conflict that’s best for him too.

tired your first last post actually contradicts your first post

How?