Financial support through Uni

[amw73]

I have been married for almost 10yrs to hubby. He has known DS since he was 5.

My ex has always been a nightmare and we basically don't speak. He has actually moved abroad to avoid paying maintenance (and to avoid other debts but that's none of my business ). DS visits them occasionally. I have no reason to think he is saving or anything for DS to go to uni.

I work part time due to health reasons and hubby has a good job so we are financially stable.

Hubby comments frequently though about the ex and how he should be paying etc. There is nothing I can do about that.

I did the calculations and due to hubby's income DS won't be able to get a full living allowance when he goes to Uni. I'm currently putting about £50 a month away but it won't be near enough.

I worry that if I expect hubby to financially support DS then it's going to cause huge resentment.

DS is very academic and is about to start A levels in September

How do other families manage this?

a good result!

This thread is such a double standard if the step mum was expected to do the same for her SDCs, there would be moral indignation and not her problem, 2 parents etc.

Because it is the man - cash cow comes out.

No one thinks he is a cash cow and I think we all agree that this is a massively unfair system which takes no account of the step parents commitments to their own children or their other financial commitments. But the fact remains that it is the system and children shouldn't be denied opportunities because their parents happen to have remarried.
I'd say the same to a step mother - if you marry someone with kids, you do have to take their needs into account and you should want to help out your spouse.

If you think your step kids are nothing to do with you, you have no business martying someone who has children.

Indeed takeittakeit only last week was a thread where a SP was working whilst her OH was a SAHD and comments back was that he was a loser and user her. I k we it wouldn't be long until such a thread bashing a SD not prepared to support his ADULT step child!

I'd say the same to a step mother - if you marry someone with kids, you do have to take their needs into account and you should want to help out your spouse.

Hmm...but you will be helping out the now adult kids..not really your spouse.

If you are generally in parental role towards the SC you are likely to naturally want to help them out and focus on their needs, however, if you were always told you are not the parent, should not get over involved, can't make decisions, can't go to school performances, can't be in a hospital when SC is ill as you are not their family, shouldn't have any influence on "parenting" etc etc. why the hell would you part with your money?

You can't have it both ways...Either step parents take on the responsibility(and parental power/privilege) towards their SC or they don't. If they don't they get to keep their money.

I was in the same position. Found a little work around (tech not fraud as I was told this by student services) . We said My son lived with his Nan and didn't see either parent very much so he was dependant on her . She signed the forms to say he was her responsibility and what income she had . They told me the uni never check as they get the money either way so they are bot bothered.

Ethical absolutely not but necessary HELL YES .

But the dc are not considered to be adults by this system. Fair enough if they could borrow the full amount, pay it back when graduated and in work, but they are literally prohibited from borrowing based on ehat their step parent earns. That is not fair - kids who've already been disadvantaged in life due to coming from split families are further screwed over by having to borrow from elsewhere or work more hours than kids whose parents are still together, to make up enough to pay extortionate student rents.
None of this is their fault - they are in this position purely because of choices made by all the adults in their lives.

That said, it would be totally galling to be told to myob, as a step parent, except when it came to finance.

The real solution is for everyone to be able to borrow the full amount and for bio parents to be held properly accountable for their own dc.

The difficulty with giving step parents legal rights is that said step parent has only bern chosen by one of the parents - you can't really give parental rights to somrone else's child.
But OP's dh has been a part of her son's life since he was 5, which should mean something.

The difficulty with giving step parents legal rights is that said step parent has only bern chosen by one of the parents - you can't really give parental rights to somrone else's child.

But you can give them financial responsibility for someone else's child....

You are right and the system needs changing. It's not even only a step parenting issue as such..A lot of parents won't support their adult children divorce or not..sometimes because they don't want to sometimes they can't afford to as have other children to support...

Over 18 are adults. As such they should all be allowed to borrow the same amounts. It's discrimination of young adults who happen to have parents earning over 25k(combined too!!!).

Found a little work around (tech not fraud as I was told this by student services) . We said My son lived with his Nan and didn't see either parent very much so he was dependant on her

That clearly is fraud and pretending it's a little work around is pathetic. If you, your son and your Mother are all happy to commit fraud at least own it!🙄

I think a lot of people do this or similar - I understand why people do it but I don't understand how or why some people think it's acceptable. It's dishonest and no different from tax cheats or benefit cheats etc.

I think it is different simply because this system is so unfair. I don't condemn people for trying to get around it.
Benefits are more fair (although not perfect) imo.

Actually, you're doing your DC a massive disservice if you are fraudulent to enable them to get a bigger loan, as they will have more debt to pay back at the end of their degree!
My DC was 5 when I divorced her father. I set up a savings plan with the minimum I could afford, increasing it by a few pounds each time I got a pay rise. She went to Uni at 19, and I had saved enough to pay her accommodation, which was around £3K each year. Unbeknown to me, my husband, her SD, had saved up a small amount and was able to give her an extra £50 a month towards her living costs. She also had a part time job and her dad gave her money each month. She left with a minimum debt, which she has now repaid at aged 32, thanks to the support from all her parents, step parents and a bit of forward planning.

Most students won't pay back their loans so the size of loan isn't really a disincentive for people who are willing to commit fraud.

I don't think the system is particularly fair either but I would never make a fraudulent claim especially as it would involve my child (and potentially another party such as someone's 'nan' 😕)

It's amazing how flexible some people's morals are. It's a shame that all the honest people have to pay for them.

Wrt benefit fraud, innocent people lose out. But this isn't the case wrt student finance - no one gets given a grant anymore, it's all loans. No student should be denied the maximum loan because the govt has arbitrarily decided that 18 isn't an adult after all and that parents and step parents should finance university irrespective of their other finsncial commitments.
I consider it is the govt who have behaved immorally by establishing this system.

IwannaSeeHowItEnds
^Wrt benefit fraud, innocent people lose out. But this isn't the case wrt student finance*

That is simply not true. Where on earth do you think the money comes from? 🙄

I can't remember the figures but most students (75% ?) won't pay back their loans.

I agree that the loan system isn't fair but that doesn't give people the go ahead to commit fraud.

Students pay back a percentage based on earnings - they may not officially pay back the loan because of how it is calculated, but they will generally pay more tax over their working life than non graduates. I figure it's swings and roundabouts.

It isn't something I would have done because although it's been tough, dh and I could manage to help our dc, but I have full sympathy with people who could not, so use whatever means they have at their disposal to not see their dc disadvantaged because of a very unfair system.

However you try and justify it it’s still fraud. I understand that some students are disadvantaged compared with others but suggesting they and their parents (and their Nans 👀) are ok to commit fraud to even things up is immoral and wrong.

In your view.
I can't get worked up about people circumventing an incredibly unjust system tbh. I wouldn't do it, but I don't care that they have.

My income was taken into account for my SC's student loans and DH and I were not married at the time. Unless the system has changed in the last couple of years I could not opt out of providing that information.

Am hugely relieved that youngest SC finishes post grad this year! One or both of them have been studying for the last 5 years

I consider it is the govt who have behaved immorally by establishing this system

Grants were exactly the same - based on household/parental income.

True, but at least when grants existed, the ability to borrow the maximum student loan was available to all. It was the student's choice, not based on what their parents earned.

The system has nothing to do with the common belief on this board, that the step father contributes to the step DCs - whether they are his own or not because that is what oyu do when you marry/live with a mother with his DCS

However, when the SM of the partners SDCs is asked expected to contribute to maintenance , costs etc of ther SDCs - the two parents, not her responsibility etc come sout.

SAHD - got to cut his maintenance payments to zero and wife would not contribute to nay costs for the SDCs - everyone on here was not her responsibility, in a normal family mother would have to step up etc etc.

Whilst the SF may want to contribute, the expectation on here is that he is morally required to other wise he is a shit is a double standard.

Tbh, if my dh was a sahd to our children and he had children from a previous marriage to financially support, I would consider it my responsibility to pay his child support. I would view it as a brnefit yo me that he was sah and unfair for his dc to be deprived financially because of it.

I believe that bio parents should be held financially responsible for their own kids - that might mean that a man who has childcare paymrnts to make, doesn't hsve the luxury of being a sahp to his second family. If he and his new dp make that decision, then too right the new wife should cover his child support. If she isn't happy with that, then she needs to tell her dh to get back to work and pay his own bills. Him sah provides no benefit to the first family, unless he is going to save his ex wife a shit ton of childcare fees by looking after the dc of the first marriage too. But logistically, that isn't always possible.

When you marry someone who already has kids, your choices are not entirely your own.
Now, if the OPs ex was forced to meet his responsibilities, the step parent wouldn't need to do anything. But the system sucks because the ex isn't held accountable.
In real life that means either the mother struggles by herself to cover the cost or the step dad helps her. If you love someone, you wouldn't see them struggle when you could help. I'd also hope that having been a part of this child's life since he was 5, step dad would want to support the child for the child's own sake, out of love.

iWanna - your view as the SM contributing goes against the flow on this forum