Financial support through Uni

[amw73]

I have been married for almost 10yrs to hubby. He has known DS since he was 5.

My ex has always been a nightmare and we basically don't speak. He has actually moved abroad to avoid paying maintenance (and to avoid other debts but that's none of my business ). DS visits them occasionally. I have no reason to think he is saving or anything for DS to go to uni.

I work part time due to health reasons and hubby has a good job so we are financially stable.

Hubby comments frequently though about the ex and how he should be paying etc. There is nothing I can do about that.

I did the calculations and due to hubby's income DS won't be able to get a full living allowance when he goes to Uni. I'm currently putting about £50 a month away but it won't be near enough.

I worry that if I expect hubby to financially support DS then it's going to cause huge resentment.

DS is very academic and is about to start A levels in September

How do other families manage this?

When you marry somebody with children, you are joining a family and he cant behave as if he has no obligations to your child.

To a certain extent I understand. My SIL is a stepmum, but my DB will fund his DC going to Uni without her money.

He's saving for it..he hopes his Ex us...but they'll go regardless.

The reality is that you can't force him to cough up and when he married the OP... I suspect he understood the father was present and would support his DS.

Had he been told 10 years ago he'd have to contribute to sending him to Uni...he may have backed out.

I wouldn't want my personal earnings to go to a SCs Uni fees. I have my own DC to support and even if I didn't ... I still wouldn't want to.

I'd rather contribute to other blood relatives nieces and nephews tbh.

When you marry somebody with children, you are joining a family and he cant behave as if he has no obligations to your child.
Except that by then, he won't be a child any longer and I think it isn't unreasonable to feel that as a SP, you shouldn't feel obliged to still support the children of your partner when they become adults.

It's not as if the 18yo have no options, it just that he will have to make up the difference himself through work, like many uni students have to do. In the end, even as parents, supporting your kids financially through uni is not a due, just something they do if they choose to do so. In this instance, it would appear so far that OP's husband is not choosing this.

Oh and just another thing to consider. You say his dad doesn't pay maintenance but maybe that's because he doesn't want to give YOU money (that's how he'll see it). It might be that when your DS is 18, he'll be happy to give HIM some money directly.

That sounds like a difficult situation. Does your husband have any kids of his own? (Sorry if you have mentioned that already and I missed it)

Does your husband suggest port your son at present?

swing they might be legally adults but the govt doesn't recognise this when deciding how much money they can borrow - it is expected that parents top up.
He can't guarantee being able to find work but will have to sign rental agreements and pay deposits for housing that will cost far more than the minimum loan. He might not be able to earn the difference. As a parent, the OP will be expected to act as a guarantor for the rent. Have just been through all this with my own dc and you really can't refuse without holding thrm back.
It is so unfair all round, for kids as well as parents.

What solution that does your son have for how he is going to pay his way through University?

At least this way he'll have less to pay back monthly afterwards, which might mean better able to save towards a deposit for a house.

Actually, that isn't how it works. He'll pay back at exactly the same rate afterwards, regardless of how much he borrows, until the debt is clear. The monthly repayments will be determined by his income, and not by the debt itself. Obviously, if he is on a high income, the repayments could finish a lot earlier if the debt is smaller, as he will be able to clear it. However, if he ends up on a lower income, he might never pay it all back anyway, and any outstanding debt will eventually be written off anyway.

Had the chat
Going to support him for the first year but after that he has to get a job which I think is fair enough
Going to increase savings for next couple of years.
So in all better than expected

Great news for you! Also probably worth having a chat with ex, maybe it will come out better than you expected.

I also think when you remarry the new unit becomes a family and should bear all,costs as if the children belonged to you both. Anything from the other party should be a bonus. He’s been the child’s stepfather for a very long time - how hurtful that he won’t support through university as if he was the actual father.

Do you work? Can you increase your hours/income while DS is at university?

DS will need to get a student job while at uni.

Sorry, i’m A DSM to 2 and I don’t agree I should be ‘expected’ to support the children through university.

I support the kids by buying a house to house us in in while they stay, buying them food, clothes, etc etc.... none of which I begrudge.

However.... why should I have to ‘bear the cost’ when their own mother refuses to work more than 16 hours a week. They have 2 parents, IMO they should be ‘expected’ to pay. Happy to offer at times, but it shouldn’t be expected.

I also think when you remarry the new unit becomes a family and should bear all,costs as if the children belonged to you both.

Hmm its a huge double standard as usually step parents are told to butt out of parenting decisions..but not when it comes to their money?

Additionally there is a fair amount of parents who won't support their children through uni..just becasue they don't have to as their children are now adults. It might be considered hurtful that this boys father won't support him but to expect the step father to pick up the slack is unfair..

I'm afraid the ex is a definite none starter. He can't even be civil nevermind hold a proper conversation. He disown his son on a regular basis surprised ds has anything to do with him

You need to talk to him about it. My dd is off this year and like you we are financially comfortable and her actual father pays a pittance, or had paid, his financial obligation towards her is about to end.

Yes my husband is pissed off at her father for not wanting to help financially but he thinks of her as his own and wants to do right by Hera d not see her waste her huge potential. So he's happy to sacrifice whilst real daddy goes off on adventure holidays 🙄

Talk to him now, prepare him for what's going to happen in two years. It's unfair but it's the system and currently there's no way round it other than separating and that's extreme.

However.... why should I have to ‘bear the cost’ when their own mother refuses to work more than 16 hours a week. They have 2 parents, IMO they should be ‘expected’ to pay. Happy to offer at times, but it shouldn’t be expected.

This. In my personal circumstances I will help out for the SD who is very bright and driven and it's not her fault her mother doesn't care. I WANT to help her out..but if I was "expected to" I wouldn't..just because it's so unfair..on all fronts..one of them being constantly told how as a step parent you have no rights and to take a step back etc etc..then suddenly your money is needed and you are OBLIGED as you married their father..

The system is very unfair, my dss has not always lived with us he moved in 2 years ago aged 9, however before then, I took it upon myself to put myself through an open university degree, for three reasons to 1. set a good example, 2. improve job prospects and earn more money, and 3., in turn, to put money aside for dss when uni becomes something to consider,
his mother has two other children she will need to support also, i dont feel DSS should miss out on opportunities.

I add we had only been together 2 years when I made the decision to do a degree, to provide for him, I knew he would be in my life forever and I wanted to do right by him, and only together 5 years (married 2) when dss moved in, I also continued to muddle through the degree while undergoing gruelling cancer treatment, (I cannot have children of my own because of said cancer )

Although the system is unfair that step parents income is expected to be considered when assessing university financial support, especially if the marriage is a new one and they have not been in the childs life for the majority of their childhood, however, if its a case similar to yours and the child was very young when the marriage came about the stepparent knew what they were committing themselves to (ie supporting the child) when they married someone with children from someone else.

I personally cannot understand why your DH is touchy about this subject, even if I had (and could have) children of my own I would still want to provide for dss future, he would have been my first child and be treated as equally as any other children in the household. because I love him, love him as my own, I have a hand in raising him, guiding him through life (his mother appreciates all I do for him, her, DH and I co-parent )

why should you DS be affected by his fathers actions, your husband I assume has had no problem providing financial support for him since DS was 5 why change this now I imagine your DS will be quite upset and confused by this

just want to add no step parent should feel obliged to support stepchildren they should do it out of love,

French that's my point they will repay the same amount each month for the same income but those who got the higher allocation will repay for a longer time period.

The fact that the government takes into account resident SP income into consideration doesn't mean that said SP is obliged to contribute. They are other options.

Personally I strongly believe that SP resident or not should ever be obliged to be financially responsible for their step kids especially have they hold no legal rights on the kids. If they want to contribute that's all fine of course.

OP has health issues only she knows whether these means it is absolutely impossible to increase her hours but that doesn't mean her OH should make up for it. It's great thst he has agreed to help for the first year I hope your DS will be appreciating of it.

If you love your partner, wouldn't you want to help them, in order to make their lives easier? I honestly don't 'get' relationships where a person feels no obligation to stepchildren. Surely the obligation comes from loving their mum/dad?
Mind, it wouldn't be necessary if nrp were made to properly support their own children and there were international agreements to prevent them from buggering off abroad to duck their responsibilities.

This is hard I’ve had this. DPs income would have been taken into account and I’m not working because of our younger DS together.

However, your DP is just going to have to accept it. You are losing out on Uni income not just because of Ex, but as a direct result of living with DP.

My DP did resent my sons needs and it really isn’t fair. We do become a unit. We take on their family needs too.

Your ex sounds awful, but to be honest your DP doesn't sound great either. It is not your son's fault that his biological dad is a dead loss. After having been with you since your DS was five, you would imagine your DP would feel more of a parental responsibility towards him, or at least the same level of responsibility that someone would to nieces/nephews who have useless parents. It is fine for him to be annoyed at your ex, who is completely out of order, not fine to make DS suffer because of it.

I see he has a good job, you say - so financial help shouldn't be too painful for him. Does he have any DC of his own, do you have any together?

I am totally with Iwanna
My husband helps support his stepkids. He wants them to do well. If the father is rubbish why should the kids suffer?

It's very tough but basically if you are highish earners then you are expected to contributed £400 a month.

Martin Lewis website has some good calculators and articles about it.

Good luck - it's very difficult and can cause a lot of resentment. Just another reason why my childfree friends don't understand why I've got no money...!

That’s stood result OP

Your son should try to get a job now to save himself as well for when he needs to support himself