Birthday Party

[Whatwhatt]

My DP has two sons from his previous relationship. We have been together 2 and a half years. I don't like using the phrase step mum as I don't feel I am one. I haven't raised the children and I would never want to step on any toes by pretending I have been in their lives long enough to deserve such a label.

I do however get on extremely well will both boys. They are lovely kids and I think they do honestly see me as a part of their family if only as a friend or person they can trust.

It's his youngests birthday party this weekend (he's 6). It isn't at ours or his exW's house. It is at a venue and my DP has paid half of the cost for the day.

He mentioned it to me the other day and asked me if I was coming, he felt I should, it wasn't just going to be him and ExW there it would be family members from both sides and of course possibly other parents too. I said I would prefer him to mention it to ExW first so I didn't take her by surprise just turning up.

Me and ExW have never had problems. She's never caused drama or anything like that. In all honestly we don't really have any involvement with each other apart from one asking the other how they are at drop off/pick up etc...

I've never been to anything like this before as I've always wanted to give everyone involved space and not 'intrude'. However, I was really looking forward to seeing DPs Ds2 on the day as he's been so excited and we have a few presents for him I think he'll love.

ExW has now told DP she doesn't know how she feels about me being there and would prefer it if not.

DP isn't happy and has said as much to ExW but I've told him I will sit it out as I really don't want to cause tension where there's been none before. It's DS2s day and I will not ruin it by causing a scene.

However, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit upset. We get on so well me and the kids and I genuinely think he'll be confused as to why I've not bothered to show up to his party.

I'm also a bit hurt as ExW brought DS2 round whilst I was at work on the day of his birthday and they opened all the presents we'd got for him (I paid half for a really expensive gift I was looking forward to seeing him open) and so I even missed seeing his face when he opener that.

I know I'm not his mum. I'm not trying to be. But he does mean a lot to me, am I being unreasonable feeling this way? I'm worried this is just how it will be at any event now.

I’d be really upset too and to be honest next time I’d say to DP that if he’s going to pay half then a condition should be that you attend otherwise you’ll do something different to celebrate DSSs birthday.
It’s not a new relationship or a recent break up so his exw needs to accept your presence and put DSS first.
I also would have been very upset about the presents however your partner probably should have managed that better ie. asked them to come around later or saved some presents for when you were there

Thanks User.

My DP was really disappointed and he told her so about the party. But I asked him to stop as it was already clear to me where I stood in her view. I don't want to make it awkward for DS2.

About the presents. I agree. I was a bit hurt that DP didn't suggest waiting. It wasnt like it was in the day time and that was the only time they were free. It was in the evening but DP finishes work before me. I got home just as they were leaving.

I agree with everything user said - I'm a stepmum to DSD6 and I had the same sort of relationship with her Mum as you do with your partners ex-wife after that length of time (our relationship is actually even better now, we speak more often than she speaks to my DH!)

But it's clearly you're very respectful about boundaries and not overstepping the mark, and I think it's disrespectful of her not to allow you to be involved in something like this - as you said there will be other members of both families there.

I hope she sees sense and comes around OP!

Time for negotiation. I can understand that it would make the ex uncomfortable especially if she's the one who organised it all even if you DP paid half. As the organiser it tends to be a stressful time and having the add stress of dealing with the awkwardness of the new partner being there doesn't help.

However the child would like you to be there so if I were you I would contact her directly say thst you understand how she feels but ask if maybe you could come toward the end.

Don't be the one who hands him the presents let your DP do it. You both sound very reasonable so it is probably just a question of time. Maybe you can start having a bit more of a talk when you come into contact. It's just a case of getting over the initial awkwardness.

I doubt your dss would pay much attention to who is there or not at his birthday party. If it is at a venue he will be running around with his friends and just focusing on having fun. Hopefully the mother is not the type to cause a scene at her child's birthday party either.

I can see why she wouldn't want you there but you have been in a relationship with their dad for 2 and a half years. If this is a serious relationship and you are planning on a future together you will be involved in dss's lives (whether the ex likes it or not). Just as if she has a partner then they will be involved.
If he has paid half for the party then I think he has just as much say as to the adults that are invited. If your partner wants you there then you should go. I think she shouldn't be able to dictate your partners decisions. I think your partner asking her opinion was a bad idea. It sets a precedent that she has the ultimate say, when really your partner should have an equal say.

Thanks.

@Balloffluff you're probably right! Kids don't notice what is going on around them when a party and cake is in full swing I think if I'm being honest with myself I feel more guilty that I know I'll be absent from the party when it's important to him and he's important to me. The thought of him thinking I've not bothered to show makes me sad but I know realistically he won't be thinking that way.

I get what you mean about not letting her dictate to my partner who can and can't come as it sets a future precedent. I guess im just super cautious to not rock the boat and wanted to be polite in letting her know beforehand. I've always been very happy that I don't see myself in some of the situations on here with absolutely awful ExWs making their lives hell.

I know it's all par for the course when dating a father. It just makes me sad. If this was a friend's child I'd known for this length of time and was so close with I'd really like to be part of their day & I think a friend would expect you to be. But in this situation you're expected to step up on the day to day basis & bond with these children but then step back in anything that matters. It's really hard finding that balance and accepting it :(

Makes me question if I'm a bad person for really caring for this child and wanting to share in his day?

I sound a bit me me me now!

I don't like to properly show my partner when things like this upset me as I'd hate for him to feel guilty so you are all my sounding board!!

I had the same experience as you, OP. I went to a birthday party (after being in long term relationship with now DH and knowing DSC for about two years) and kept in the background (esp for things like cake cutting and photos) and pitched in with the jobs she asked me to do at set-up, got my hands dirty - cleaning up spills, taking kids to loo etc.

The following year, out of the blue, and with no problems in the interim, ex told my DH that she preferred it if I didn't go as she didn't want 'to play happy families'. It turned out that her friends that I met at the previous party had said they liked me and that annoyed her.

I thought it was a shame but didn't want DH to fight it. We did something nice with DSC after the party and all was fine. It only lasted a handful of times before they grew out of parties.

It depends on how little your DSC is (ie I get why you would want to nip this in the bud if they are tiny and have years of parties ahead of them) but if you decide to opt out to keep the peace there are other ways to show DSC you care.

@Meridian wow your situation does sound similar!

It's hard to not be hurt isn't it. At the end of the day I'm just another person who cares for their child and wants to see him happy but I do understand why she would have 'reservations' about a new woman in their life. I get it and I'm not judging her for it. Just made me a bit sad :(

I really hope it improves.

Oldest is past parties. We just did takeaway/movie nights with him at separate houses which was nice.

I can't help but feel a bit angry too. There's been times when I've been expected to step in and help i.e. DPs car had to go into the garage unexpectedly and when he told ExW he couldn't do pick ups from school until it was fixed he was told to 'ask WhatWhatt if she can do it' (I have my own car).

I don't mind at all. I'm happy to help but it just makes me a bit miffed that I'm good enough to have around when the extra help is needed but not for things like this.

I think you and your DP are going to be fine. You're communicating and the most important thing here is that he has told her he is not happy with what she has said.

The reality of the situation is that for some people, parties, weddings, school plays seem to be trigger points. They can happily manage most day to day interactions but when it comes to something that is about their DC, it triggers a very territorial reaction. Akin to this is my kid, its their day and as a result, my feelings take precedent. It's a reaction I don't understand.

The present opening? I'm also ok with that TBH. On the years my EH has the DC for Christmas, I send them with their main present to open from me because I know it will make them happy. But I do buy that just from me and not my DP and I together. I would suggest you let your DP buy main gifts, you buy something smaller from you that you get to give and the DC get to open. For Christmas and birthdays. It's how my DP and I do things.

I personally would let the party go. The DC won't notice that you're not there and you can arrange a small party at yours when they visit. Pick your battles IMO. This isn't one worth fighting, especially if she is civil to you in other ways,

She doesnt have reservations OP, she just has green eyed monster combined with 'these are my kids' syndrome. It's stupid behaviour and not needed. It smacks of 'me first' insecurity and an inability to put the children first.

After this has passed, I would tell your DP to set her straight and say, either my partner is involved with our DC or shes not. If you don't want her at parties, fine, I'll respect that, but equally respect that I will no longer ask her to help us look after our children. That responsibility falls to you and I alone and you can't ask that she step in.

She can't have her cake and eat it.

Thanks TooSassy

I totally agree about picking battles and i certainly don't intend to make this an issue! I'm not a confrontational person at all anyway so it's just not my style. I guess I just needed to rant and get the thoughts out of my head safely so I can continue with our 'sort of civil' arrangement!

I imagine it is a small case of 'my kids' syndrome. Which I do and don't understand. I'm coming at it from a 'step parent' (hate calling myself that but for the sake of ease..) POV and I appreciate it's a totally different one to hers.

But as understanding as I'm trying to be I still have human feelings and it just feels like a bit of a put down.

I will let it go, I have no choice. It isn't massive in comparison to some of the nightmares other people have on these boards so I guess I will count my blessings instead of the crap!

Maybe suggest separate parties in future.. You figure good enough for lifts and cash but not a guest?!
Your dh needs to step up.
It gives the message to dc that you don't matter surely?

Toosassy - your point is so true...
[]The reality of the situation is that for some people, parties, weddings, school plays seem to be trigger points. They can happily manage most day to day interactions but when it comes to something that is about their DC, it triggers a very territorial reaction. Akin to this is my kid, its their day and as a result, my feelings take precedent.[]

I had been married to my ex for 11 years (he had been divorced from his first wife for 5 years before I met him and she had remarried) but I was still banned from attending my stepdaughters wedding.

It was one of the final nails in the coffin that nobody else in the family including my then husband stood up for me and it made me realise that I would never feel a propert part of the family.

I hope this doesn’t happen to you too Op.

TBH your mistake was to run it past the ex before the party. The fact that you wanted her to be ok with it also means that you needed to be open to the possibility that she might not be, and it may be that when faced with the question she didn’t know how to respond hence why she said she wasn’t sure.

I don’t think the ex has done anything wrong here tbh. Had she said without prompting that she didn’t want you there I could see how she was being petty, but the fact that you wanted your dp to ask her could also be seen as an indication that you weren’t sure that you were comfortable being there with the ex and the families either, esp as you don’t really have a relationship with her and presumably don’t have any kind of relationship with her family.

I would just let this one go and put it down to experience. As time goes on the relationships will change anyway and the kids will grow out of parties.

I’m also don’t think it was ok that your DP told the ex he wasn’t happy with her saying she wasn’t sure when he’d asked her the question in the first place. It shouldn’t have been a case of “I’ll ask you the question just as long as you give the answer I wanted.” He asked the question and should have been prepared for the answer.

Next time don’t ask.

@Summer it wasn't so much that he asked her permission. I asked him to let her know as I thought it was the polite thing to do.

He told me he messaged her saying 'Ive asked WhatWhatt to come on Saturday, just thought to mention' and she replied saying she wasn't sure how she felt about that and she'd prefer if I didn't.

I get what you mean about not asking. My mistake. It's a bizarre and eggshell type situation when it comes to ExWs and SC I think. I'm just trying to be as respectful as I can. Obviously I shot myself in the foot!

DP did tell her he wasn't happy with her response but I asked him to back down as I didn't want me to be the cause of an argument and I certainly don't want to start any drama.

I don't have a lot of involvement with her no. I do have a lot of involvement with her DS though and I was just a bit hurt it wasn't recognised.

For full disclosure the boys stay with us 3 nights out of the 7 a week and I live with my DP so I do spend a lot of time with them not just every other weekend. I've grown to really care for them.

Can I ask whether he actually got involved in organising the party, deciding what what most appropriate and finding somewhere that could accommodate the date, booking it, writing invitations, chasing those not responding, sorting out what needed to be bought for the day, decoration etc... It can be quite frustrating when you are left with all the stress of arranging things but then the other parent considers that it is their right to insist who might come.

Her response sounded quite non confrontational but it seems he took it upon himself to respond in a confrontational manner himself which won't help. Is it too late to offer her to help before and on the day? That might break the ice?

I think you're being very nice about the whole situation!
Seeing as you've been together quite a while I'd say you should be there at this party, obviously not doing anything too 'parent' like if that makes sense, but you could have been an extra pair of helpful hands, may have also given you the opportunity for his ex to get to know you better and see how you are with the children. If his family are there and they have met you they may find it's weird you are not there?

Honestly Swing he's done bits but certainly not an equal amount of planning. I appreciate that.

She wasn't confrontational no, I'm lucky that this is the worst to have happened in the whole time!

There's no way I'd ever let this be an issue. It's miniscule in the scheme of things. I've told my partner it's fine I don't want to cause any grief.

It's just a bit lonely sometimes when things like this come up (parties, parents evenings, school plays etc...) so just needed a release!

As I say, I am a human with feelings and as much as I'm trying to be understanding and put on a brave face I cant help but feeling a bit hurt that at essentially being 'excluded' from a big part of the man I loves life.

Not really anyone's fault just one of those things!

I like your idea about offering to help though. Perhaps I'll keep that one for next time. Who knows we might be in a better place by then :)

You sound lovely and she sounds like she has accepted you in the life of the children. I think all you need is to get more familiar with each other so that you can get to that stage where both of you being at such an event isn't awkward for either.

I know quite a few ex and new partner who are friendly with each other. I am not in contact with my kids' SM but I think we would get along. In a way, I wish there was an opportunity to break the ice, but as my kids are older now, that might have to wait until eldest wedding!

Thanks @Swing!

I so get what you mean about breaking the ice. We don't get chance to move past the normal pleasantries as we only cross for brief amounts of time. It would be good to have an opportunity for more than that.

My ex and I have been divorced for 4 years now, and tbh I wouldn’t be that comfortable with his GF coming to one of the DC’s birthday parties. Mainly because it’s always slightly awkward playing happy families with exH for parties etc anyway, it would feel doubly awkward if his GF was there. And I feel that would take the enjoyment of DC’s party away from
me, and possibly make DC feel a bit weird too.

I also have a new DP of 3 years and he has never come to DC’s parties if exH is there, and I wouldn’t expect to go to his DC’s parties. We are all perfectly amicable and will chat at drop offs etc but that’s as far as it goes.

Unfortunately each situation has to be seen as "eggshell".
You will often have to suck up the ExW requests, even if it doesn't feel fair (life isn't, especially not for the partner of bloke who has children and has a very active part in their lives, e.g. your arrangements, having the children often).

I too have been in the position of being good enough for some things but not others. I believe that inviting everyone isn't playing happy families but demonstrating mature adult relationships to the children. Their parents are divorced, they both have new partners, we can all behave in an adult fashion, although appreciate for some this is extremely difficult if not impossible depending on the parents relationship.

egginateacup does your DP or your ex’s DP do any pick ups/ drop offs / school runs?

If they don’t then I completely agree that the situation can remain separated in the way you’ve described. But I think it is complete double standards to say ‘oh can your partner help out and pick the kids up from school’ and then follow it by ‘but she’s not welcome at the kids party’.
If you don’t want to play happy families, don’t. But then sort out your own childcare for your own kids yourself and don’t take the proverbial.

Honestly. Entitled parenting really gets my goat.