Birthday Party

[Whatwhatt]

My DP has two sons from his previous relationship. We have been together 2 and a half years. I don't like using the phrase step mum as I don't feel I am one. I haven't raised the children and I would never want to step on any toes by pretending I have been in their lives long enough to deserve such a label.

I do however get on extremely well will both boys. They are lovely kids and I think they do honestly see me as a part of their family if only as a friend or person they can trust.

It's his youngests birthday party this weekend (he's 6). It isn't at ours or his exW's house. It is at a venue and my DP has paid half of the cost for the day.

He mentioned it to me the other day and asked me if I was coming, he felt I should, it wasn't just going to be him and ExW there it would be family members from both sides and of course possibly other parents too. I said I would prefer him to mention it to ExW first so I didn't take her by surprise just turning up.

Me and ExW have never had problems. She's never caused drama or anything like that. In all honestly we don't really have any involvement with each other apart from one asking the other how they are at drop off/pick up etc...

I've never been to anything like this before as I've always wanted to give everyone involved space and not 'intrude'. However, I was really looking forward to seeing DPs Ds2 on the day as he's been so excited and we have a few presents for him I think he'll love.

ExW has now told DP she doesn't know how she feels about me being there and would prefer it if not.

DP isn't happy and has said as much to ExW but I've told him I will sit it out as I really don't want to cause tension where there's been none before. It's DS2s day and I will not ruin it by causing a scene.

However, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a bit upset. We get on so well me and the kids and I genuinely think he'll be confused as to why I've not bothered to show up to his party.

I'm also a bit hurt as ExW brought DS2 round whilst I was at work on the day of his birthday and they opened all the presents we'd got for him (I paid half for a really expensive gift I was looking forward to seeing him open) and so I even missed seeing his face when he opener that.

I know I'm not his mum. I'm not trying to be. But he does mean a lot to me, am I being unreasonable feeling this way? I'm worried this is just how it will be at any event now.

I'm not sure about the Ex wife feeling uncomfortable.......but I have a SIL and an ExSIL. Ex SIL is the mum of my brothers DC.

I feel uncomfortable at times when we are at events for the DC.

If I'm talking to ExSIL.. I feel like SIL will be upset and feel left out.

I actually feel SIL also feels somehow out of place too... she very much takes the mum role when EX SIL isn't around...but she can't when EX SIL is there.

My DB wouldn't have her not attend and I wouldn't want her to feel left out...but it can be awkward.

I have a few years under my belt of being very clearly not invited to birthday parties, and might now possibly be approaching being tolerated! Go me.

I have come to the conclusion that the best scenario for the children is for partners to be invited and welcomed, to show the children that there is no bad feeling between the grown ups and that they have no reason to feel anxious. This also gives a better chance of that becoming the actual truth: if you always avoid eachother nothing will ever get better.

However, this doesn't work if the all the adults involved can't present that positive & united front. If it will be stressful or very uncomfortable for either of the parents to the extent that the children will be affected, it's wiser for the 'offending' adult to stay away. Let's face it, the children will probably be fine either way, and you can celebrate separately another time. Further, if you are that adult and you turn up anyway, all you will do is delay the former situation. Take the moral high ground, and hope that it will be noted for next time when the situation may be better.

The children are very lucky to have you in their lives. I would suggest just doing separate parties in the future, and definitely tell you dp that you would like to be there for the gift opening.