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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Help

28 replies

anon264758201047 · 11/07/2018 13:37

Hi, I'm new to this but I need some advice...

I have been with my partner for two years. My partner has 2 children with his (still) wife. I am a lot younger than them both but the ex hates me and I'm to blame for everything, the children's attitude, for taking the kids for hair cuts, for buying clothes. Everything I do in her eyes is wrong. It's really getting me down and causing arguments between me and my partner. I love the children more than anything, I have no children but my partner and myself are going to try for a baby. The ex is now trying to change contact after 2 years because she now has an Issue me taking the kids on my own on certain days as my partner works. I put everything into the kids and I don't have to but I wouldn't have it any other way but anything I do I feel as if I'm in the wrong. She makes me feel wrong for caring and loving the kids and I'm exhausted by her. Will it ever stop? She had told people her mission is to break me and my partner apart but now I feel as if the children are being affected by her actions and I feel it's my fault. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

OP posts:
Unihorn · 11/07/2018 13:45

What does your partner have to say in all this? What are the arguments about specifically? How long were they split up before you got together? It can take a long time to get over a marriage breakdown, particularly when involves children. Having to adjust to seeing your children up to 50% less is bound to be difficult. I'm not excusing the ex's behaviour however.

I certainly wouldn't be planning on having a baby with him until the situation is more amicable. Particularly if he's still legally married as I assume from your post?

Original poster
anon264758201047 · 11/07/2018 14:02

Hi, thanks for getting back to me.

My partner sticks up for me as much as possible and he says I am a step-parent there for I help him with decisions. Anything and everything, I am in a lot of there arguments or it's his ex making arguments from nothing. About 6 months before my partner and myself got together. I understand that and at the start I felt as if I had just jumped right into the middle of a family but the break down of the marriage was the ex's fault due to infidelity. She also had a new partner who can watch the kids or whatever but it's not okay in her eye for me too.. I just feel as if I try my hardest and it doesn't matter what I do I'm just wrong for it. I can kind of understand from an actually mother POV but I am trying my hardest. Yes they are still legally married she is making that impossible too.

OP posts:
Unihorn · 11/07/2018 14:14

How strange, what does the ex's partner think of her wanting to break her ex's relationship up and not wanting to get a divorce? I'm struggling to see why anyone would want to get involved with her.

Have they been through the courts over custody? Its really not up to her what happens on your partner's contact time if so, as annoyed as she may be. I really can't understand why her new partner is ok to have the children but you're not...

SandyY2K · 11/07/2018 16:22

What's stopping them from getting divorced? I wouldn't want to have a baby with another woman's husband tbh.

It does seem odd that she cheated.... yet she doesn't want to let him go.

Ask yourself if it's worth it. You're a lot younger than him .... you have more options...do you need the hassle/headache/stress of stepchildren and a wife to deal with?

He comes with too much baggage. I'd cut loose and would tell my own daughter the same.

Life's too short to be dealing with this endless crap. You will never be good enough.... I suspect she thinks you're too young and you don't have any parental experience.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 11/07/2018 16:25

How old are the children? It really is your partner’s job to care for the children and if he is, on a regular basis, unable to do that then why would they not be better off with mum? The younger the children, the more likely she is to feel like that. Tell your partner to hand them back - if it is their best interests she is concerned about, then it won’t be a problem. However, if the issue is about being a nuisance or difficult for the sake of it, then the prospect of doing more parenting may well put a stop to the nonsense.

swingofthings · 11/07/2018 16:50

Maybe she feels you are trying to hard to be a substitute mum to her kids. Considering the animosity, why would you take the kids to get haircuts? Not really for you to do.

rainingcatsanddog · 11/07/2018 18:13

I would hold off on having a baby. Many nasty exes get worse when a baby comes along. I would at least wait until he's divorced.

How much of Dad's time are you in sole charge? I'm an ex wife and I see Dad's time as when he is the parent unless there's an emergency or step mum doing the pick up saves on the amount of car travel time or something. On MN, there are often Dads who have stepmums (or grandmothers) doing the bulk of the parenting during Dad's time when mum would happily have the kids. (I obviously don't know you or your partner so could be way off the mark)

. Depending on the age of the kids, many mums would be Confused about other people taking the kids for haircuts so I wouldn't do that one but I wouldn't apologise for decisions that your partner made. (With regards to the haircuts, if you search there are lots of posts where MIL organised haircuts against mother's wishes)

What you need to do is accept that you will never win. The exw is determined to bring you down despite the fact that you sound like a lovely person.

nextflightoutplease · 11/07/2018 18:30

Your OH should be parenting his kids, not you. Contact time is for them, not you. If he HAS to work, he should discuss having the kids on days when he doesn’t. What would he do if you weren’t there? My ex used to do this. Have our dc two nights per week, but go to work and leave them with his gf, keeping his child free nights for whatever else he wanted to do. My then 10yo would ask me “what’s the point in me going there?”. Maybe your DP isn’t doing that so regularly, but still, if you weren’t there?

None of that is meant as a criticism of you though!

But I would certainly be doubling up my contraception, not considering having a baby any time soon!

Original poster
anon264758201047 · 11/07/2018 19:02

The kids are 5 and 13.. the mother basically isn't a very good mother. But I'm asking, do you biological mothers feel I am being to invasive or over stepping the mark. Or am I wrong to love the children like my own. I'm struggling with the boundaries or parent and step parent. Am I just the dads gf? I'm not sure

OP posts:
Oswin · 11/07/2018 19:54

Why isnt she a good mother.
How much contact does he have. Its one thing you helping if he does 50/50 but is its eow you doing the kids stuff isnt good. He needs to be with his kids.

Original poster
anon264758201047 · 11/07/2018 19:59

She doesn't bath her children, always send them in clothes far to small for me to buy clothes and never see them again. We have them 3 nights per week/4 days. Since they split it has been this way but now she isn't getting her own way my DH has to have them 24hrs a week which isn't fair on the children and she's blaming me for this. I feel terrible as if it's my fault my partner isn't seeing his kids. When I suits she asks if I can watch kids but then she doesn't want me left alone with them. I have an amazing connection with the kids, they tell me they love me, always hugging, I tuck them In. I just feel she is being in-reasonable and doesn't think or care how difficult this may be for me or the kids.

OP posts:
LunaTrap · 11/07/2018 20:03

How long have you known the kids? Presumably you didn't meet and start parenting them immediately? It's nice that you care so much for them but you need to be careful not to allow your DP to use you to facilitate his contact time for him. I can understand her wanting her kids with her if their Dad isn't around- now and then is fine, but if everytime contact is with you rather than Dad she is entitled to address the issue.

Madlife · 11/07/2018 20:04

Hi OP, I feel you. Before I met my partner 's kids I met his ex-the broke up 10.30yearsago- she was rude and didn't really want to meet me but to cause trouble with my dp and I. Anyway she would call him for him to pick them up, would call at all times just to chat to him, even 1Am , SMS at any time... He had to cut her off but she is a *** when she gets mad so he tries to avoid any confrontation as he cant really be bothered with her selfishness. Just an example she called 3 times at different times for my dp birthday as he didn't answer the phone... One of the kids lives with us and was at school and the other was with his grandma...

Madlife · 11/07/2018 20:08

I understand she wants him to be there but having said that you are their family too now and they love you. If I was the mum I would ask the kids and take it from there. But if she trusts you to babysit when is convenient then she should do the shame when is their dad's time.

Original poster
anon264758201047 · 11/07/2018 20:10

I have known kids 2 years and no, I met the kids much later once me and my partner were sure we were for the long haul. The funny thing is she isn't even with them on the days she's now decided to change due to her working so there with Grans, friends, aunts, anyone. His ex is the same, she is so interfering and always phoning/SMS to start arguments over nothing. I feel as if she is there 24/7 sometimes like a 3rd person in my relationship. She really is unbearable now. Won't she ever stop?

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 11/07/2018 21:07

it's been two years and your dp hasn't bothered to take it to court to get contact formalised?

flamingofridays · 11/07/2018 21:11

heebie well he probably assumed it would be addressed in divorce proceedings? But she won't get divorced...

HeebieJeebies456 · 11/07/2018 21:40

assumed?
has he even spoken to a lawyer?

sounds to me like he's been more interested in jumping into another relationship rather than sorting out this mess - he doesn't need ex's permission to divorce her

flamingofridays · 11/07/2018 21:42

Well it's a fair assumption because you have to make arrangements for access when you divorce now. (In England at least)

Doesn't sound at all like he's only concened about new relationship to me.

Original poster
anon264758201047 · 11/07/2018 21:47

No that is 100% not the case heebie. His priority is his children. I'm here for advice only as I'm exhausted with abuse and someone being jnbearable

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 12/07/2018 02:44

Why has he not taken steps to get divorced?

Why isn't be taking his kids for haircuts and buying them clothes?

Why hasn't he done anything if he thinks she's not a good mother? Or is it only you who thinks that?

He should be with them during his custody time... You're just dad's girlfriend to them and he should be stepping up and doing the parenting...not you.

All too often these men haven't really be a hands on dad and get a new woman to do what they never did while they lived with the kids.

She really is unbearable now. Won't she ever stop?

Maybe not. Is it worth it if she doesn't?

swingofthings · 12/07/2018 06:35

I think it is great that you love the kids and the kids love you. Maybe the ex struggles with this, but that's something she'll have to get used to and realise that it is a blessing for them.

However, loving the kids doesn't make you their mum when they are with their dad. You say that she's reduced how much contact they have with their dad, on which basis? If you look after them, who was doing that before you came into the picture?

Do keep loving them and enjoy the time you spend together, but you need to remove yourself from the relationship with the ex. It's not your battle, it's not for you to be stressed about, that's your OH's role. You need to be there to listen and support him, but that doesn't mean taking the load of the stress on his behalf.

user1487168313 · 12/07/2018 16:04

There is no point proving who is right or wrong here.

OP, please

  1. DON'T consider anything serious, either buying a property or having a baby, with your DP unless he is completely divorced. I mean, obtaining the decree absolute as well as financial settlement done. You expose yourself to serious risk of being massively screwed, both emotionally and financially. If he is not divorced after two years for whatever reason and there might be a very long time before he can actually do so, you should seriously consider your options and probably cut your loss and get out ASAP. THIS IS NOT A GOOD SIGN.
  1. Don't invest too much with your DP's children at this point, both your time and your money. You are far away from their step mum and you don't need to take up responsibilities that is not even yours. The contact is for your DP not for you, so if the wife wants to change the contact because your DP consistently cannot be there for them, let them sort it out.
Original poster
anon264758201047 · 13/07/2018 18:24

I appreciate all the comments and help, thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
anon264758201047 · 13/07/2018 18:25

User 148.....

I'm confused by your comments, could you elaborate please

OP posts:
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