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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Hooray! Finally!!!

35 replies

heavymetalstepmum · 02/07/2018 16:03

So, my partner and I have been together for 9 months.
He has a 5 year old daughter & ive only known her for 7 months.
For these 7 months, understandably the ex wife (child’s mother), has never let me take care of the daughter alone. She would go out of her way to get other people involved to look after the girl, rather than just drop her off at our home (where the daughter stays with us anyway).
So tonight, drum roll please.....
The ex wife (child’s mother), FINALLY gave permission for me to look after the daughter.....
and let’s be honest, I generally look after this little girl when she visits us anyway.... I let my partner sleep in on the weekends, I give her breakfast, pop the tv on & I have a coffee and breakfast with her.
The mother still has a few strange requests like;
No photos.
No bathing.
No taking to toilet.
No discipline.

that’s cool man. Whatever floats your boat.
I’m not comfortable doing any of those things anyway.... but I’m finally just glad, I’m trusted enough by the mother to finally let me start being a step parent!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

GrayDays · 02/07/2018 16:33

I’m happy for you but no taking to the toilet??? I hope she never has a party or dc has friends over because she wouldn’t be able to take them pee pee either lol 😂
I had a party for my 8 ds and his friend Wet him self so I had to help and change him. Didn’t expect it at 8 but these things happen. I could of told him no I can’t help, but that would of made him feel worse he was already embarrassed.
And photos.... so no memories are allowed to be recorded nope?... so again I hope when dc goes to a party she informs them too! Crazy rules besides the discipline I get to a certain degree, but if dc decides to run off and not listen what do you do? Or says naughty words. She will be quick to say that at dads she get away with everything.
I get your happy and that’s good because the main issue with all this ex stuff is that people with condition everything and make rules to feel some control and power when in fact if the ds is safe and happy that’s all that matters. Also it gives them reasons to have a go and say you did something wrong. All those things don’t matter and sometimes can cause the dd to feel more confused. If she likes you and wants you to help her in the bath because you her friend and you say no that will hurt her feelings.
I remember my dad was cheating on my sm ( he work aboard, so that’s how I met her, when I would visit), but at the time I didn’t no I thought she was a ‘friend’ I like her so much more than my sm - we had a great relationship in the short times we were together, she didn’t have to worry about rules, she just enjoyed time with me because it’s was fun, there was no drama and I still remember now how fond of her I was. And I would ask my dad for her to come out with us all the time, and I would follow her around and I was 8-9yr old.
My point my sm didn’t get on with me because there was my mother and I was her child and there’s drama around being a sm, but take all that away and a natural relationship can form.

lunar1 · 02/07/2018 18:21

Why is your boyfriend leaving her care to you? He's her dad, parents don't generally get to sleep in with five year olds. Your relationship is so new.

He's done a real number on you if you think it's a win to be privileged to be a sole career for his child when she is meant to be with her dad.

The mums list of rules might seem odd to you, but think deeper about it. How many relationships has he had where he is getting a girlfriend this involved so fast?

FinallyHere · 02/07/2018 18:51

Another voice wondering why this is such a success for you, why you let him sleep in during his daughter's contact time. Its supposed to be time with him, in the nicest possible way, not with you.

Are you possibly trying to show him was a marvellous mother you would make, that you want to have your own children with him? You are making a rod for your own back... there are sooo many threads on here wondering why he doesn't do his half.... Now is the time for him to step up and realise just how much effort it is. Then later, you can offer to help, occasionally or 8n an emergency.

p.s. do not accept charge of DC unless you can discipline them, in an age appropriate way. Boundaries,its all about firm boundaries.

AssassinatedBeauty · 02/07/2018 19:12

Are you a step parent? If you're a girlfriend of 9 months it seems a bit early to be referring to yourself as a step mum.

Do you know how many other girlfriends the child has been introduced to since her parents split up?

HollyGibney · 02/07/2018 19:18

you've only been together nine months but you're finally being allowed to care for your boyfriends child? So how long exactly have you and he been badgering her to let you if it feels like such a huge victory to you? She's being a responsible parent by remonstrating with her ex regarding him allowing a relative stranger to care for her child, this was never a battle. Sounds like you need to grow up a bit quite frankly.

ReadingRiot · 02/07/2018 19:20

Yep, I agree with the others. Mum seems far more switched on than dad does.

YearOfYouRemember · 02/07/2018 19:22

ridiculous.

SparklyMagpie · 02/07/2018 19:23

So you've been expecting this after meeting this little girl after 2 months of being with her dad? Christ !

My ex waited till nearly 2 years for us all to meet and introduce our son, and as much as I know his girlfriend helps when my son is at their house, it's only been the last few weeks where she text me to ask if it would be absolutely fine with me if her and DS spent some time together so they could plan something for ex

9 months and you call yourself a stepmum?? 😂😂

PrincessMargaret · 02/07/2018 19:23

Are you very young?

BewareOfDragons · 02/07/2018 19:24

I wouldn't look after a child if I couldn't bathe them (mess and nappy explosions toilet accidents happen).

I wouldn't look after a child if I couldn't take them to the toilet in the first place. That's just bonkers.

I wouldn't look after a child if I couldn't discipline them. A child will quickly suss that there are no consequences for poor behaviour if you can't discipline them. No thank you.

Just decline. You'll be better off, and so will the child.

SparklyMagpie · 02/07/2018 19:26

No I've read over this 3 times now and this is fucking hilarious

Maybe concentrate on looking after your precious OH, he's got it absolutely made in 9 months hasn't he 😂

But as you say, whatever floats your boat

PatriciaHolm · 02/07/2018 19:28

You are dads most recent girlfriend. You are not her stepmother.

Why rush it?

SoNotaWendy · 02/07/2018 19:29

Ridiculous set up. Where is her father?

He should be caring for her. And I agree, after nine months you're ''finally'' agreed to look after her!? This seems to imply that you've been angling to look after her for a while already and yet you've only been with her father 9 months.

Why on earth is her father delegating her care to you? Why are you tolerating that? Why are you agitating to be responsible for her?!

SparklyMagpie · 02/07/2018 19:36

Just looked at your last thread you posted...is she still driving you crackers love?

You are not a step parent.

Do you have children from your marriage? Would YOU be happy after a couple of months, a woman wanting what you've been waiting so long for?

Snappedandfarted2018 · 02/07/2018 19:57

Wtf did I just read your 9months in 7months in this girls life you now live with her dd and look after her so he can laze in bed and you expected to have her on your own. You’re bonkers!

Snappedandfarted2018 · 02/07/2018 19:59

Btw your username is incorrect you are not this girls step mother you are her df girlfriend and new one at that!

Cornishclio · 02/07/2018 20:03

Tell your lazy boyfriend to get out of bed and look after his daughter. Presumably his ex gets up with her the rest of the time so it will hardly kill him not to have lie ins when he is supposed to be spending time with his child. You should be making him engage with her not giving him an excuse to leave it to you.

Haffdonga · 02/07/2018 20:05

Agree with PPs. You are not a stepmother. You are a virtual stranger to a small child and the mother's precautions are not strange. They are sensible.

I would not want a stranger toileting, bathing or disciplining my child. Would you?

HollyGibney · 02/07/2018 20:08

I think there's something rather odd and desperate about adults who are desperate to assume responsibility for their new boyfriends/girlfriends children. I think it indicates weak boundaries and insecurity so they try to make themselves indispensable and shore up their own relationship with the child's parent in a "look what a huge part of your life I am and how much your kid loves me, you can't leave me" kind of way. Big one of these if you ask me...

Original poster

heavymetalstepmum · 02/07/2018 22:46

Hi All,
Just wanting to clarify;
We only get to see the girl on every fortnight weekend for 2 sleeps.
We drive 3 hours each way to pick her up, and drop her off.
She is in full care of her mother, and my partner only gets to see her every fortnight. During the past 9 months, I have been made to feel like I’m not trusted and have been told some very nasty things by the ex wife.
I’ve never done anything wrong except try to be reliable, committed and be there to support my partner and his daughter in this relationship.
I work with children, I have certificates and clearances... I’m not a bad person. I’m just caring.

As for being able to look after this little girl, I need to clarify that I’m allowed to now look after her if my partner is at work one day & the mother needs to drop off the girl a few hours early.
This is a HUGE step on her behalf, and i finally feel trusted by the mother which is amazing, considering I’ve been left to feel like crap for 9 months by her.

So it’s not full time care, it’s just a step towards being trusted and that’s a wonderful feeling.

Also, in Australian law, as a de facto relationship, I am considered a step parent, however I cannot legally make medical decisions etc for the child.
We are listed on my social security as a de facto family, because my partner has a dependant child.

My partner does look after his daughter when she is with us.
However for a couple of hours, I let him sleep in and I get the girl breakfast, because A) she’s a child & cant do it herself.
B) I care enough to let my partner have a few hours extra sleep considering he works 12 hour days and gets 5 hours sleep a night generally.
C) I care about this girl and love being able to get her breakfast.

I do not dress her, I do not bath her, I don’t take her to the toilet, because her father does this.

I just help play with her, get food for everyone & watch tv together.

OP posts:

SparklyMagpie · 02/07/2018 23:30

Oh fuck off with all the De facto crap

Wherever you are in the world,9 months let alone, we have "the girl" (which to me is horrible btw) 2 sleeps every fortnight,it STILL does not make you a stepmum

You mention how you can't make any medical decisions for your OH's daughter, and damn right you shouldn't!! It's between her parents

I am absolutely baffled by some of that crap you've written in your update

Just crack on with what you're doing

Can't believe some people think they deserve all these rights when they've been on the scene minutes

HollyGibney · 02/07/2018 23:36

and i finally feel trusted by the mother which is amazing, considering I’ve been left to feel like crap for 9 months by her.

See I am baffled by this. She owes you nothing. She only has to consider the well being of her child. She hasn't left you to feel like anything and bears no responsibility whatsoever for your feelings.

SparklyMagpie · 02/07/2018 23:40

9 months ago you'd only just got with her daughter's dad...You met the daughter 7 months ago, who the fuck in their right mind would give you free rein over their child the second you walked through the door?

And Christ you work with children That doesn't give you an automatic pass love

LunaTrap · 03/07/2018 00:25

So you've actually met her a total of 14 times? Phew thank goodness you are FINALLY allowed to care for her alone, it must have been a terribly long wait for you. Hopefully you'll be able to make medical decisions for her in a couple more months.

youbrokemytwatometer · 03/07/2018 00:27

You won’t get any medals or certificates here.

He sounds like a shit and flaky dad and the ex clearly k ones that more than most. He sees his dd only twice a month and introduced you after only two. He’s already moved in with you and therefore landed you on her. He lets you get up with her instead of getting his lazy arse out of bed himself.

And you’re making it all about you and lapping this up as some breakthrough? Bizarre.

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