Expectations of how stepchildren should treat the step parent

[Stillme1]

I have only just heard about this thread so this is my first post here.
I decided to ask for advice here about my situation. We are not married, we each have children, his are 35+ and they have partners and children of their own. I have children around 25 and with children and partners.
The situation is that his children are well mannered and pleasant around me and include me in things like going out. I have been on girls' shopping trips with his girls. I have been invited to their houses with or without DP.
My own children have been horrible to us both. They were totally determined that they would have children when they were young and leave home to live with partners. One of my children has never met DP, another may not even know that the person who spoke to them was DP. DP heard me being spoken to in a bad way and put in his tuppence worth, whereupon he was screamed at and criticised as what may have seemed to be an innocent bystander. Naturally I am embarrassed by this nastiness.
I have no idea what to do about this. As adults I can hardly tell them to behave better. This would most likely lead to more shouting and swearing anyway. This is not how they were brought up to be.
Any advice would be great.
TIA

This isn't really a step parent or child issue. It's about your relationship with your children.

You could do with posting this in relationships. It's not nice how you've been accused of being a victim and being narcissistic.

SandyY2K - thank you for your comments. This has not been pleasant for me really but some were kind to me and I thank those people in particular.

Op. ...you are getting avharr time here. No matter what happened in childhood that is no excuse for your DC to abuse you now.
If you really were an abusive mum (and I'm sure your not) they would go no contact . Why not try low/ no contact. And they could access therapy if they want.
My child can be horrid due to an absent dad. I tell her that is no excuse to be nasty.

Distance yourself.

Hard time even!

Why all the analysis? Ungrateful adult children are just that...ungrateful.

Malificent7 I have kept my distance. It is getting harder to cope with the drama 24/7. It has been going on for many years.
I had a recent health scare and it really made me think. The DCs didnt give any support through previous health issues. I got through the last few health scared on my own so I will be fine on my own. I worry for DGC they get a rough time too but they have no means of getting away from it
Thank you for your lovely comment. I was never abusive. I did far too much for them which is likely why they think I should continue in the same way

Ungrateful adult children are just that...ungrateful
Or a case of OP only too happy to help out financially and spending time with her grandchildren until she found another family to fill in the gap and suddenly, she doesn't have time or money to help any longer.

The reality is that whatever the reason, reasonable or not, OP's children doesn't want anything more to do with her and her partner and that is their right. If OP wants to decide that they have turned into horrible adult kids and make herself to be a victim of their behaviour, that's her choice too but in the end, acting as such won't make them come back.

OP, I think you know what to do....tell (or write to) your children, telling them exactly how they make you feel, and that until they can treat with some respect, you will no longer be in contact with them!

Swing I did everything I could to help my DC and DGC. They took all that I could or would give. I had already realised that my inclusion was directly related to their need of services or money. They are also very competative with each other.
I had not fully realised how off centre my life was until I started meeting with others including the step family. It gives me no pleasure that I find other more pleasant and less demanding than my own DC.
Information has come to light that my DCs have taken advantage of elderly people and given that I am disabled already and getting older as we all are it is safer for me to stay away. I dont think I can have my DCs in my life given their methods.
FYI it is not a question of me not having enough time or money for my DC. I dont think demanding money is the way to be. It is the DGC I am concerned about. The parents chose their route the tiny ones did not make any choices.

Wdigin Thank you. I have tried talking to them and they shout me down. Maybe putting it in a letter they may understand if they read it several times. I can no longer deal with the high stress that is created. It is not good for anyone. Thanks

I dont think I can have my DCs in my life given their methods
Then that's the solution, accept that your children have turned into monsters though no fault of yours and therefore they are better not in your life.

As for your GCs, there's nothing you can do. Unless there is clear neglect, their parents are entitled to raise them as they wish rather than you think they should be raised.

Unless you are prepared to write to say that you are prepared to listen to them and see things from their perspective, I don't see what good it will do. They don't consider you a victim of their behaviour but the opposite. You need to stop expecting them to be there for you when you have made it clear you don't want to be there for them any longer. You need to move on and just hope that time will heal.

Swing I did not want the situation to be as it is. Whether it is my DCs own choice or another using influences I dont know but they are adults. You have assumed that they are bring up my DGC you are wrong. You assume too much. I have been visited by SS on an adult protection visit, DGC have had child protections in place. You are making wrong assumptions and seem to think I am to blame for everything. That seems familiar somehow

God op, it's bizarre that both of your children have turned out to be so unpleasant through no fault of the person who actually raised them

I have wondered about that myself. However I have dug out school reports and they got nice comments. I am also aware that in the final year of school for one of them the Head and I had meetings about how that DC kept disappearing out of school. One day while I was driving DC to school a call came on their mobile from the "loved one" about how my DC should spend the day with them. The loved one was unemployed Turned out that the school were aware of the loved one having had experience as a former pupil. School horrified that my DC was keeping company with that type of person. Now that loved one has been dumped and a similar type of person brought in to the household.
School friends are now off the scene. They were a good close class and some have stuck together even all these years later. My DC is not included now. Some of the classmates keep in touch with me strangely enough. They have been around since nursery days. If I was so awful why have they not seen through me. Most of them are qualified professionals.
Also my exh is on the scene and a more twisted creature you would rarely find. His phraseology is all over my DC's conversation. He is a nasty person, hence I divorced him. His twisted conduct is recorded as out of order.
I on the other hand do not understand who MNs are so sure that the mother is always wrong. Could grown up children never be wrong? It has been made very clear that if I am not providing babysitting housework or money I am not worthy.
As you stated I was the one who has been there throughout their lives so if I am all that bad why are they not berating the exh for not rescuing them from me. The reason being that he would never have paid out money for anyone not even his children.

Another thing to take into account could be drink and drugs. It is very common where they are. I know it is everywhere but some places are worse. There was never any drink or drugs in my life because of my health problems. Their chosen company are not adverse to either.

I fully admit that I failed to give my children coping skills to living in such circumstances. It was something I knew nothing about and did not think my children would be so stupid to take risks.

What assumptions have I made? I am only going by what you are saying and that is that you have very troubled children, more troubled each time you are posting, and yet you think that they should be there for you now.

Sorry but if their situation is so bad that SS had to be involved, then their priority is rightly towards their children and own lives, not you and your happy new family.

Your first post was asking for some advice and my advice, which you are free to take or leave, is to stop expecting them to be there for you and enjoy your new life. You can then decide later on whether you want to make more efforts to be part of their lives on their terms nor yours or accept that you are better off apart from each other. If so, maybe they'll come back one day and apologise, or maybe not. You can't control how your adult children feel or whether they want a relationship with you and new partner or not.

Concentrate on your partner.
Your children sound dreadful.