Expectations of how stepchildren should treat the step parent

[Stillme1]

I have only just heard about this thread so this is my first post here.
I decided to ask for advice here about my situation. We are not married, we each have children, his are 35+ and they have partners and children of their own. I have children around 25 and with children and partners.
The situation is that his children are well mannered and pleasant around me and include me in things like going out. I have been on girls' shopping trips with his girls. I have been invited to their houses with or without DP.
My own children have been horrible to us both. They were totally determined that they would have children when they were young and leave home to live with partners. One of my children has never met DP, another may not even know that the person who spoke to them was DP. DP heard me being spoken to in a bad way and put in his tuppence worth, whereupon he was screamed at and criticised as what may have seemed to be an innocent bystander. Naturally I am embarrassed by this nastiness.
I have no idea what to do about this. As adults I can hardly tell them to behave better. This would most likely lead to more shouting and swearing anyway. This is not how they were brought up to be.
Any advice would be great.
TIA

Are your children always badly mannered and unpleasant? Is this a one off occurance?

Sadly they are 25 years old and this should of been addressed when they were young (if its how they typically behave).

Have you told them how this makes you feel? How would they like to be treated this way? Sadly, I’m not sure there’s a lot you can do. You must be mortified by their behaviour. Sadly their own children will probably turn out the same way, as they seem to lack basic respect,

Have you tried to introduce him to your children? Do they refuse? To be honest him getting involved in an argument when he had barely met your child was never going to go down well.

How long have you been with your partner? How did you meet him? What was your relationship with your children like before that?

Adults children have very different relationships with their parents. Some remain very close, some not. Some love to focus on their own lives in their 20s and then become closer when older.

The most likely reason for their behaviour is that they just don't approve of him or like him. I have to say that him putting his tuppence in probably didn't help. Why did he have to intervene, making it seem like you can't defend yourself and he needed to protect you? That's the message that his intervention would have passed on, and it will have made your kids feel that he is controlling you and pushing them away from you.

I think you need to forget about them thinking as highly of him as you do. Be there for your kids as their mum. They don't need him in their lives, they need you. Surely he isn't bothered if they don't live with you and he has a good relationship with his own children?

My own children have been horrible to us both. They were totally determined that they would have children when they were young and leave home to live with partners

This screams of issues in the house...of unhappy childhoods, narcicisstic or in other ways dysfunctional parents, of children that want to escape..

Talking badly and rudely at you is likely to be about years of build up emotions not about your relationship..

I have never said much about my childrens' choices in life. I am aware that to do so would be the start of a lot of trouble. I try to accept as best I can. They were never like this before they took up with partners and over the years their attitudes have just got worse and worse. There is a lot more going on for them than I have said and it is on record that bad choices have been made. These things are as a result of who they chose to be with.
I met this man about a year ago. I was a wreck back then. I was so timid due to years of my children putting me down and showing me no kindness at all. He does feel the need to protect me as he has heard/seen how I (and another person) am treated. I have got a lot better now due to his building me up.
I am aware that my children would not give up 5 minutes for me. They do not give me company but expect babysitting etc and money as and when demanded. Before I met this man I was run down with all the pressure and demand.
I just wish this situation could be pleasant. With good manners I am pleasant to their partners. My children were pandered to in childhood and I wonder just how hard their lives are due to not being used to their situations.

Whitecat - I am not at all putting pressure on my children. I never have however, if I don't conform to their wishes they kick off.
About 6 or 7 years ago my Exh made contact with my children and me. He had been absent for about 18 years. He is a control freak, a liar and a manipulator. This is why he is Exh. He was furious that I would not act like a 1920s type of wife obeying the husband's every command. I know he is filling my children with lies. As adults they should be able to reason things out but they don't.
I did not think a bullying husband was acceptable and I do not think that my own children should be acting in the way they are. They are very hard core.

Really, your issue is with your relationship with your children irregardless of your OH. You've only written 3 posts here, and the feeling of disappointment in your children is filtering in all of them, it would be very surprising if it doesn't in real life. This inevitably will make your kids feel that there are not good enough for you. Add to this you acting like your OH is the best thing that has happened to you and that his DD are wonderful, are you really surprised they are not treating you with respect? Maybe you could start showing respect for their partner before you expect to show some for yours?

I think the issues are with your relationship with your kids.

They kick off if you don’t do what they say . So you do it for a quiet life . However none of you sound happy.

I would ask to meet up with your children /adults and ask how they feel this can move to a more adult level . I would stop giving any cash . If you csn’t Baby sit then expect that to be accepted

Agree with @Starlight345. Your dcs are grown adults. I suggest you meet each of them for lunch on a 1:1 basis. Explain that you are happy with your new partner and you want them to be part of that but the aggression and rudeness has to stop.

Stop giving them money & free babysitting. They don’t deserve it. They are abusing you and that’s unacceptable. Time to stop babying them. Keep it to birthday & Xmas cards until they treat you better. You are their mum, not their slave.

So glad you have found someone lovely.

Thank you all.
I do think that there is a lot wrong with the relationship with my children and that the Exh jumping in now is not helping at all.
I was seriously ill when my children were about mid teens and I used to think the possible life/death situation was too much for their age but now I wonder if that was when they saw me at a weak point and used it to their advantage and I have not regained my position as parent.
I am not disappointed for me at their choice of lifestyle. I worry for them and the DGC because I could never have thought up the things they got involved with and as such I could not prepare them for their way of life.
Having been destroyed by their unloving and rather nasty ways I was surprised at how kind others have been to me. It is the way others treat me as opposed to who those people are. I was so used to be shouted at and criticised that I didn't know people could be so kind. That is so wrong and I only realised that recently.
My children have never officially met with DP/OH. They are not interested other than I am not so available for babysitting etc. I don't think they want me to have a life other than to provide them with babysitting, housework or money.
Given the way they have treated me it is so nice to be treated kindly and included. Despite all the babysitting I felt lonely. I was never spoken to in a normal voice nor spoken to about general stuff.

When i read posts like that I see red flags...You are making yourself out to be a victim here and I don't like it..Narcicisstic mothers tend to speak like that
...Use others to deal with their issues..Children who for no reason whatsoever are nasty....mmmm..

So you've been a single mum since your DC were very small. They all left home as young as possible. They now exploit you and act as if they don't care. And you highly disapprove of their choices, though they presumably can't be doing too badly, as settled with DPs and DC.

It sounds as if they have a big problem with you and their childhood. And it sounds like you really don't like them at all.

My children were pandered to in childhood and I wonder just how hard their lives are due to not being used to their situations.

I completely get that feeling you're only valued for what you can offer in terms of money, babysitting and housework is horrible. But it seems weird that you're not trying to analyse the relationships to work out what might have gone wrong with each DC. You just want to blame them. Were I in your shoes I'd be busy trying to understand what had gone wrong.

I'm picking up the same martyred, narcissistic vibe as WhiteCat. Could there be any truth in the suggestion that your DC moved out early because they found you intolerable? Parents with distant or nonexistent relationships with adult DC usually only have themselves to blame.

Whitecat and Prawn. It is true that most of the time I was a single parent. I received no maintenance from Exh. I worked and fitted my work round their school. I did the best I could with what I had. I made sure that they didn't have any less than their friends.
I am astounded that you are presumably two mothers who probably have children younger than mine yet you are so sure that you are doing everything right and your children will be perfect. We have yet to see.
I love my children but in no way am I going to be treated badly. I would not take that from a man (as we can see from me deciding that single parenting is preferable to having a man try to dictate to me. Had the Exh remained in the house my income would have had to stretch to another person to be feed and clothed and the children would have had less.
Where am I blaming anyone. It is unfortunate that I got so ill but I did not chose that. I did not expect my children to chose the situations they got into. I doubt if anyone would chose the things which happened to them. I certainly did not wish that for any of them. I feel sorry that they are or have been in such distressing situations. We all know on MN that it is difficult to get women out of abusive situations and that they will cover up for the partner. I have no criminal record nor did anyone in the family older than me. I pay for all goods I take out of shops. I certainly did not show them how to steal. So many things have come to light. Some things which have been done are quite silly. I have been told I cant bake cakes. Then I am told bake this or that cake for an occasion. If I am so useless why get me to do anything. I thought by going it alone I showed that a woman (or a man) can survive on their own.
I love how on MN it is always the mother who is narcistic but never an adult child particularly a female adult child. I do not think it would be wise to give too many details of things that my children have fone through. What on earth is wrong with me not wanting my children in unhappy situations. You said that they have successful relationships. Really how would you know? I DO know how many times they have changed partners.
Why are you so sure that I am wrong without knowing me or the full details of what had gone on?

Stillme, I'm only going by what you said. Your assumptions are quite wrong. My situation is very like yours.

My DC are in their 20s. My DSD is in her 30s. We are all very close and loving and my DC both still live at home. I don't claim to be perfect but I seem to have avoided your problems.

My DF was a GP. It was he who taught me that, in his many years of experience, parents who complain about their ungrateful adult children are typically (though not always) miserable, selfish people who have driven their DC away.

Prawn - I accept that what I assumed was just that. Assumptions.
I am not selfish at all. I wanted to give certain things to my children but I was criticised for that too. I was only one of older people who made certain decisions even that was wrong because it seemed not to suit the partners of the time. I wanted to pay for a family holiday for us all including their then partners and children. It would have involved a lot of expense to transport everyone and pay for accommodation but that was wrong too They squabble with each other and the partners join in the squabbling while the grandchildren sit there watching it all. They have even come to blows. There is so much more I would like to be open about but it is too specific. I have put up with a lot of nastiness in order to keep seeing my children and grandchildren.
It seems it was quite a thing at the time. There were quite a lot of people who had babies while still at school or shortly after. Mine were 20 and 21. They had been trying to get me to allow their partners to stay in my house but that would not be possible even if I wanted to as there are certain questions asked when arranging house insurances and I would be penalised if not refused insurance. So they had babies and applied for housing from the Council and as we know all the decent council houses were bought up.
If I really thought my children were totally happy I would not be so worried. It hurts me so much that they can not appreciate the things I offer even if they do not want to do that. They are cutting off their noses to spite their faces.

I know that I cant force them to like or even meet with DP. I wish they could be part of what good things are going on for me now. In a way though it is best they don't as I would be unhappy with drunkenness and nastiness in front of these new people in my life. Even if they do not meet with us they could try to accept and let me live a life. They maybe worried about inheritance but they are dealing with that the wrong way too.
I only ever wanted to be kind. So much is said about the parents should help the adult children with property but that too is a minefield I dare not enter.

Yet again it's just complaints about your DC rather than any attempt to work out what your part in all this must have been.

So you offered a lovely all expenses paid holiday for your DC, DP and DGC but this wasn't wanted or appreciated. Why? What excuses were made? The fact that you aren't giving any details makes me wonder what you're not saying. When my DC were small my DPs took us on several all expenses paid holidays. Wonderful holidays they were too. But then nothing my DPs ever give comes with strings attached.

And there's one thing you've said that I know is almost certainly a lie. The business about their partners not staying over because it would invalidate your insurance. Unless there's something massive you're not sharing, that's just nonsense and anyone who has insurance and guests knows it's nonsense. You just didn't want them sleeping with their DPs under your roof. So they moved out.

Prawn - I have always said that I cant tell everything on here so yes there are missing bits.
The thing about the insurance is the question about Does anyone living in your household have a criminal record?

It is not that I do not want people sleeping together under my roof. Several of the partners have stayed overnight in my house. But that was after they had houses of their own. If I had allowed them to move in I would have had them to pay for as well as my own children and grandchildren. I do not wish to have drugs in my house either.
The holiday location was too far they said and that it was my choice of place. The partners had never been to that place my children had often holidayed in that location. Also I knew I could get a property big enough for everyone there and had driven that road lots of times.
When you went on holiday with your DPs who chose the location or was it also a place your family had often gone to?
DP was not part of this holiday as I had not met him at that time. It would just have been me and all the family. There was no strings attached to the holiday. I just thought it would be nice after a bad time for some of us.
One of my DCs asked me about something I did when they were young and my reply was so that everyone got what they wanted.
I don't think that I was the perfect parent and I don't know anyone who ever got it completely right.
I know that my Exh is very resentful of my situation and that he is a nasty person. He has manipulated many people against me and that includes the usual complaints to Social Services and the complaint was proved to be malicious by a Hospital Consultant. Time has re inforced the consultants view.
I don't want any praise. I would like some acknowledgment that I was there when others were not.

I don't want to be used for any reason. I don't want to be upset by constant shouting and swearing at me.
If this is what my children have chosen over the life that they used to live then I have to let them get on with it. However I do not think it is necessary for them to run me down.
It was hard to watch another family being all friendly and having get togethers and outings. It was quite a shock to realise how far I had sunk in what I was tolerating. I can not go back and change things. If I could I would still try to get them a good education and while under my roof that roof is in a decent place and they mix with people who communicate in universal English. I did what I could to give them a good start. Perhaps more boundaries would have been a good idea as they now tell me I was too soft a mark.
All I want is to be spoken to decently and with kindness rather than screamed criticism.
I don't know what I can do to please them. You don't seem to think I got things right either. Why then do I still have friends that I started school with?

My experience is that we can seldom if ever change others so when we're unhappy about a situation we must first look at ourselves. Sometimes it's all we can do.

You're not keen to do that. Fair enough. I'm sorry you're so disappointed in your DC but you don't need my advice on how you feel. Best of luck.

Is the point not that we try our best. That was my best. I was at least there doing what I could.
I have looked at myself and I saw things I did not like. I was fearful and not respecting myself. When I met DP he made me push myself to gain confidence and I am glad. He was not heavy handed, more like encouraging. Maybe that is yet another fault in that I don't want to be taken advantage of. I also go out alone and to places I did not dare go before.
I am not disappointed in my children I am worried for them and concerned that they are in this life I know little about. They are hard working and out in the hours so much so that this is another worry for me. They are over working and not supported at home. I worry about the DGC. If I run from the circumstances how must they feel. Or maybe they think this is normal.
I don't know what to do to try to make things right. I am loathe to give up and walk away because they are my children and I love them enough to want the best for them.
I was also the child of parents who were something like yours.

I have tried to accept all the criticism but I was not the worst parent. I love my children and I just wanted them to be nice to me. They cant offer me that. Maybe I have to throw my lot in elsewhere.
I cant be too specific but honestly if you knew some things that happened I would hope you would not find it acceptable.
I am at my wit's end.

I think your relationship with your kids is not healthy for anyone. Suggest you go low contact (that includes zero financial or emotional or childcare support) and enjoy the relationship you have with DH children. Perhaps when they see you mean business, and now have to rely on their useless dad, they will be less likely to take the piss.

DuchyDuke - Thank you. I was only contacted for babysitting or money. It is really not good to be a purse and not a person. After being to ill to babysit one day I was viciously berated. I am now going days out when DP is on day off and also going out alone. It is such fun with no shouting or swearing. I miss my DGC but that is why I had to do as I was told.
I am so grateful for your msg.

The more your post and the more it would seem your family is quite dysfunction and has been for a while, yet your concern is about them accepting your OH and being happy for you.

If your children are not happy with you, how can they possibly be happy for you? It is just not going to happen and you expecting it does bring the question of what else you've expected of your children that wasn't realistic under the circumstances.

When you are faced with conflict as you seem to be, the only way to make things better is to focus on trying to hear out the persons you are in conflict with rather than desperately trying to justify and convince them that you've done right by then, when clearly, they don't agree. The more your children remove themselves from you emotionally, the more they won't want to hear your justification any longer.

Swing they wanted a subdued on call babysitter and bank machine who churned out cash. I am no longer that person and they dont like that. Obviously I dont have time or space to write all that has happened over a number of years. I can do nothing they approve of. There is a lot of shifting of goal posts. I get unhappy when various people critisize my DCs. These are real life people who knew them before they were at school until the present time. They will have seen more than anyone on MN.
I am sorry that my DCs have maybe taken a wrong route but shouting at me and decrying me is not going to improve their lives Thanks for your opinions