Excessive Birthday Parties

[hamabr86]

Hi, I'm a newbie so please be gentle with me! I have two lovely stepdaughters aged 5 and 3.

My dilemma at the moment is this - the older of the two seemingly has a birthday party to attend every weekend we have her at the moment. We currently have them on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend and as such, with the parties being in the middle of the day, it is massively breaking into our time with her and we can't plan days out. Often the youngest isn't invited so partner and I split up to care for them separately.

I love having little one and it has helped us to bond, but they are becoming so frequent I'm worried she too isn't getting enough time with her dad. I've noticed recently shes switched her 'allegiance' from him to me and I don't know if this is as a result of that.

I mentioned previously to my partner that maybe we should start declining some invitations after we had driven down south to see his family for the weekend and left extremely early Sunday morning, and with much stress, to get the eldest to yet another party.

He thinks this would be mean as she enjoys them and wouldn't entertain me. Am I being unreasonable? I personally grew up not celebrating birthdays or Christmas so I can't see the harm in missing those of kids shes not specifically friends with. She is a very confident little girl and I can't imagine she would suffer socially. Do you think it would be cruel to stop her going to some?

Their mum moved the entire length of the country and so we have followed to as close as we can get where we can both get jobs. It's only actually about 40 minutes (35 mins from dp's work and an hour from mine) but as she lives in the middle of nowhere most of the kids at her school live way over the other side.

Direct from partners work it's not so far so he can pick them up from school and nursery on the Wednesday thank goodness.

In response to those posters who say dad shouldn’t of moved away (clearly in this case it was the mum).

When many women get the privilege of staying in the formal marital home under the likes of Mesher orders until the youngest are 18. Mum can’t afford to take on the mortgage so EH are forced to stay on the mortgage for years on end. Some men are forced to move out of the area as they can only afford to rent or buy a property in a cheaper area.

As for all this ‘kids come first’ I don’t agree. The family is equal.

IMO (and the legal opinion) kids parties don’t take priority over children seeing their dad. Most of these kids get to see their mum over 300 days a year. Those dads who only have EOW contact (and much of it is court ordered) only get to spend 52 days with their kids. 52 days! How you you like to see your own children every 2 weeks? If the shoe was on the other foot ladies - would you want to give up those precious 52 days so a kid could go to a party (i’m not saying kids shouldn’t go to any BTW) or would you want to spend that precious time with your child? Food for thought.....

IMO (and the legal opinion) kids parties don’t take priority over children seeing their dad
That is very wrong. Children parties is actually an excellent opportunity to bond with your child especially on the basis that you get to be party to every day life and that's priceless for a child. Your OH gets to interact with his DD on the way there, and then she gets to introduce him to her friends, their parents, so that he isn't just 'that men she goes to see EOW but a real face, who is involved, who can ask questions and find out more about school life.

I worked FT when my kids were at school, so rarely got the chance to take them to school/pick them up. School parties was where I got to meet parents (so could start arranging kids' friends to come over and vice versa), found out more about teachers, school performance, events and I got to know who Millie, Jack, Amber, all those names DD used to mentioned regularly, were.

I think this is more about you and your frustration that your OH is not spending time with you. He doesn't mind going to the parties. However, he should indeed take his youngest (as indeed it is very common to do as many parents will be on their own).

@Swingofthings - not all about my frustration at all. How have you concluded that from such limited information?

My OH and I get 12 weeks on our own between visits (his EW only ‘allows’ him to see the children EOW). I actively want him to spend his limited time with his children.

And I am not wrong about how the law views parties (presume you are legally trained or have been through the legal system on this so have first hand experience)? A family judge will tell you that contact with the father takes priority over anything. You may not agree but that’s how it is viewed by the courts.

Funny how mum moving across the entire country only got mentioned at this late stage

Impressive that so much has happened in these little girls lives in just a few years

Funny how mum moving across the entire country only got mentioned at this late stage hmm

Odd comment? hamabr86 mentioned the distance in her second post..you've later gone on to mention it, wondering who made the move and then the OP came back to explain. It's not a secret and certainly not a drip-feed, she's not even having a go at the mum..it's just information! What are you implying with your face?

A family judge will tell you that contact with the father takes priority over anything.
And that is exactly what he is doing by taking his children to birthday parties. Why can't you understand this?

I find the comment about being frustrated about oh not spending time with me really rude. I get to spend 12 or of 14 days unaccompanied with him. The kids however only get two days?? I'm obviously asking because I don't know what the best option for them is. There is no need to be utterly patronizing. You seem like another know it all parent tbh, hope you never find anything confusing.

OP, people like to twist things and project on this forum 🙄

hamabr86 Your thoughts and opinion is perfectly valid..you have a great attitude and your worries are very normal. For the limited time you have I think I think it's reasonable to say no to some but I think it will be a judgement call on how 'important' that friend is.

Reception tends to be the year of whole class parties. It will massively settle down next year (although you will have DSD2's reception parties instead. Also parties will become drop and run, leaving you and your DP more time to spend with the non-partying child.

If you have pre-made plans I don't think it's wrong to say no to the odd one. It will slow down eventually.

Is there really one established legal view on this issue? I have a friend whose ex has recently been told by the courts that he needs to take his kids to their activities because that is part of being a parent. Surely a judge saying contact with the father comes first means that contact shouldn't be cancelled for parties, not that Dad shouldn't take them during his time?

I always declined a lot of parties for my kids, because family time is more important. They knew I'd bend over backwards to get them to their best friends' parties, but that we couldn't prioritize everything. Unfortunately this is one of the many things on which it is best for parents to be able to present a united front, and obviously that is potentially more complicated when parents divorce. If your DSD's mother prioritises parties with them then they might be resentful of their time with their dad if he stops doing so. So it's his call, especially as it sounds like about his only opportunity to meet and connect with her friends' parents and that part of her life.

The whole-class parties tail off a bit after Reception in my experience.

Btw OP nothing wrong with turning down the odd invite if you have other plans but I can understand why your DP wants to make sure they attend- he doesn't want to be the reason they miss parties or get left out, he is partaking in an important part of parenting for the benefit of his kids and I think that is admirable. I've come across too many NRPs who seem to think that activities and parties are all down to the RP to run around dealing with and that their time should be uninterrupted.

If she wants to go the parties, I would let her go if at all possible. It will probably ease off as they get older.

I think a balanced approach is best - so yes to some parties but not all. If so far they have been a mix of Saturday and Sundays then I like the idea that you pick one...
By the way - most of ours (also have a reception age child) then younger siblings are taken along and it has worked. Soft play places, parents pay entry for the younger one and maybe buy their meal. Hall/home parties I've seen them take a little packup for little kids so its just the 5 year olds at the party table but little ones can run around. Also a mix of both parents attending with the siblings - get the impression that the 2 hour party is worked into whatever they would be doing as a family on that day. Have never seen the issues I've read on mumsnet about siblings at parties.
As parents a lot of the conversations have been - lets have a full class party in reception but reduce it down for future years...

My apologies about suggesting you might be frustrated with the situation but your first post asked if it would be cruel for her not to go. The thing is it's not about what is cruel but what your OH think is right for his daughter and he seems to think that indeed, taking her is the right thing to do, even if you don't like it. As I said in my first post though, you shouldn't be left to babysit for the other child, unless it is something you want to do.

My reaction was to your comment about your statement about what a judge would consider right or wrong as you then seem to imply that it was actually a bad thing for the child to go to parties with her father. I could understand questioning whether it was wrong if her mother was insisting she was dropped back home and she took the child to the party but it is her dad taking her, so how can it not be time with him in the same way that the kids there will be spending time with the parent(s) who will be taking them there too?

I'm a SM and have DC. We live quite rurally and parties can be up to 40 minutes away. Sometimes it's just not practical to fit them in. I'd always make an effort for good friends' parties but on a busy weekend, I'd have no qualms about turning down an invite for a child they were basically indifferent to for the good of the family unit.

Do you know any of the other parents at school? If so, maybe see if you can start sharing parties - you taking one of your DSD's friends one weekend and them taking her the next.

And I'd echo what posters above have said - the parties do tend to fizzle out as they get over. The 'whole year group' parties are the done thing in Reception but they gradually become "choose 3 friends to go to a theme park'....

*get older! Not over...

Swingofthings we have crossed wires, it wasn't me that left the comment about the judge. Sorry about getting so defensive.

I don't really think it's bad for the older one as like you did she gets time with dad in the car etc but little one is missing out on it and she doesn't want to sit next to her dad etc anymore.

I'm trying to push for a 75% approach because I don't want the eldest to feel like she's not getting to do the things her friends do but think family visits etc should take trumps. Might try and make sure he gets more alone time with the younger one too, even if it's just taking dsd to the shops or something.

My exh and I live an hour apart (nobody ‘moved’ by the way, we were both moving back from overseas) and he sees DD eow.

My view is no child gets to go to all the parties they are invited to. My heart sinks a little whenever she gets an invite in case it is on one of his weekends but if they are early sat or sun pm and she really wants to go then he’ll be flexible enough to have her earlier/later. If it was a very good friend we’d probably go as far as move weekends around. What I’d never ask is for him to drive 2 hours to take her mid weekend.

I don’t know if this helps at all.

I’d be a bit wary of taking a sibling to a party unless it was agreed with the party parents as it can be a bit rude. Could you not swap roles though (sorry if that’s already been mentioned). Good luck sorting it out.

Good lord. The amount of people on here who allow their whole weekends to be dictated by class parties astounds me. You’re all much more selfless than I am. My DC have never gotten to go to every party. There are times we had other plans (like seeing family), or plans like staying in our pyjamas and spending quality time as a family. We prioritised the parties of their closest friends and they always went to those.

OP FWIW I can understand your concerns. I’m fortunate that my DP takes a more pragmatic approach re party invites for his DC. If we have plans, he is more than happy to decline them. Equally he does attend a few as it is important as the NR parent to try and integrate/ get to know other parents. Sadly my DP’s EW is exceptionally hostile so the few he has been to are difficult as he is largely ignored with a few parents being polite enough to make conversation with him. I will also say that his DC do enjoy him taking them as they always proudly say ‘my daddy’.

So IMO finding a balance should be possible. My DC are absolutely fine that they didn’t attend / still don’t attend most parties.

There are times we had other plans (like seeing family), or plans like staying in our pyjamas and spending quality time as a family
That's the thing, I found taking DD to these parties quality time together. It's not that different to taking your kids to the park and watching them play with friends, helping them on the swing etc...

I found it very helpful to get to know their friends, their parents, networking and building relationship. I got to know information about the school that I otherwise would never have known. It helped when sleep over started as I knew the parents etc ...

I think it's fantastic that a desperate dad could appreciate these benefits and wanting to be involved in their children every day life rather than considering contact to be just about the child being involved in the nrp life.

Kids parties are quality time together? Really? I didn’t see my kids for dust at parties when they were younger, especially soft play type ones. It was mostly me sat on my own drinking cups of tea for 2 hours whilst making boring small talk with the other mums 😂 definitely not quality time with my kids! Then usually they’re so knackered on the way home they’d be falling asleep!
Personally I wouldn’t be taking them to every party if it’s eating into your family time so much. If it’s every few weekends there’s a party or any close friends then I would make the effort. But imo children’s social lives at 4/5 years old are second to family time, especially if it’s limited