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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Excessive Birthday Parties

51 replies

hamabr86 · 29/06/2018 14:27

Hi, I'm a newbie so please be gentle with me! I have two lovely stepdaughters aged 5 and 3.

My dilemma at the moment is this - the older of the two seemingly has a birthday party to attend every weekend we have her at the moment. We currently have them on Wednesday evenings and every other weekend and as such, with the parties being in the middle of the day, it is massively breaking into our time with her and we can't plan days out. Often the youngest isn't invited so partner and I split up to care for them separately.

I love having little one and it has helped us to bond, but they are becoming so frequent I'm worried she too isn't getting enough time with her dad. I've noticed recently shes switched her 'allegiance' from him to me and I don't know if this is as a result of that.

I mentioned previously to my partner that maybe we should start declining some invitations after we had driven down south to see his family for the weekend and left extremely early Sunday morning, and with much stress, to get the eldest to yet another party.

He thinks this would be mean as she enjoys them and wouldn't entertain me. Am I being unreasonable? I personally grew up not celebrating birthdays or Christmas so I can't see the harm in missing those of kids shes not specifically friends with. She is a very confident little girl and I can't imagine she would suffer socially. Do you think it would be cruel to stop her going to some?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

NorthernSpirit · 29/06/2018 14:34

You are bound to get a slagging off on here for this (not from me BTW).....

I’m a SM and we had the same issue. The mothers home is an hours drive from ours. We accomadated parties as much as we could, but on a few occasions it wasn’t possible. The mother started withholding contact as she deemed parties were more important than spending time with dad (EOW). After a number of times withholding contact (my OH offered to take the kids but mum wanted to go so would accept on my OH’s WE and then withhold contact. My OH took it to court.

The judge told the mother that contact with dad take priority over parties. It’s upto the dad what he does in his time.

IMO - contact is limited. The kids see these children everyday at school. They see dad infrequently. Contact is the priority.

Original poster

hamabr86 · 29/06/2018 15:02

I thought I might - you cant do right for doing wrong as a SM! We also live quite a distance from their mum and so parties are often over an hours drive from our house.

Good grief I don't envy you! I don't think their mum would go that far as we all try our best to get on, at least in front of the kids, but sometimes my partner gets in a panic about things she might not like as she is headstrong and controlling. Maybe this is one of those situations and hes just not opted to tell me?

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 29/06/2018 15:19

Yes I do think that it is reasonable to turn down invitations. I know it’d hard. My son has to miss a lot of social things to see his Dad at weekends. It’s one if the hardest parts for kids of having their parents separated. However never missing any is just ignoring the reality, which is impossible.

NWQM · 29/06/2018 15:25

My daughter is 6 and becomes upset if she is missing out on a party - either no invite or because we are busy - so I do get the dilemma. Ask her however about most parties and she can’t really remember them. They will get over missing a party especially if they get special time with their Dad. Time that is fun and stress free. Far better that than rushing around with stressed adults. There are problem 3 or 4 bff’s whose party they just ‘cant’ miss. Other than that I’d say start saying no

oreosoreosoreos · 29/06/2018 15:29

Is she in reception at the moment? In my experience reception has the most parties, after that whole class ones tend to be far fewer, so it might not be as much of an issue from next year!

SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 15:33

If you said he had to have both kids would that change his mind? There seem to be a lot of threads about dads using SMs as free childcare but not listening to the SMs at all this week!

Original poster

hamabr86 · 29/06/2018 15:35

Yes she is in reception. The youngest starts reception in September and so I was sort of dreading having both of them doing the party circuit.. So glad to know it might calm down!

OP posts:

Original poster

hamabr86 · 29/06/2018 16:07

If I told him he had to have both I would probably be 'wicked stepmother' to be honest. Its a bit like banging your head on a brick wall.

OP posts:

SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 16:10

So effectively you’re expected not to have an opinion and to shut up and do as you’re told?

SoddingUnicorns · 29/06/2018 16:10

Sorry that was blunt, I have full sympathy with you, not so much your “D”P

ohreallyohreallyoh · 29/06/2018 16:33

It is difficult and I see your point. The trick is working out which parties genuinely matter to her and your partner being aware that all children sometimes miss parties. Just need to be wary of always turning down parties for obvious reasons. It is just unlucky they all seem to be falling on your time - you could find next year you are questioning why there never seems to be a party and it turn s out they are all on mum’s time.

Thingywhatsit · 29/06/2018 16:43

The first few school years can be pretty full on with parties and logistically it can be a nightmare for any family nevermind when a child who has weekend contact with a parent. I remember many years ago of a family who had 3 children who were in 3 subsequent school years. they decided to attend all parties that were held on a Saturday and decline all Sunday invites. This meant they had at least one day as a family without the running around like a headless chicken. Kids have grown up and not been damaged by missing parties that were held on a Sunday! I think do whatever suits your family best - an hours drive to a 2 party seems a bit excessive.

backinthatdress · 29/06/2018 16:43

I think your being mean and I agree with your DH. Kids love going to party’s and taking them is part and parcel of being a parent. You can’t just have the fun bits on the weekend with days out yet refuse to take her to a party as you can’t be bothered. A party isn’t breaking into your time with her, as your still looking after her and your DH is still spending time with her.

Just because you didn’t celebrate Christmas and birthdays doesn’t mean you have to ruin his daughters fun because it’s a bit of inconvenience.

It will be the same when the 3year old reaches the same age and she will get that extra time with her dad taking her so spending time with one or the other swings in roundabouts.

I wouldn’t entertain a conversation either if I was told to turn down the party invite for no reason other than you think she’s going to too many partys and you want a day out. If you don’t want to look after the younger one then tell him and he can sort it out.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 29/06/2018 16:48

It is worth thinking about your partner taking the younger child to the party as well - he can pay for her and her lunch and spend time with her whilst her sibling is with friends. Not all parties are suitable for this but some are and it would give valuable father daughter time and give you a break. Is that worth a look?

DuchyDuke · 29/06/2018 16:50

Why not compete with the birthday party? Take the youngest to really nice activities on the same day and talk it up to the eldest and ask her to choose. Eventually she will want to go with you to avoid missing out. (Yes this is emotional blackmail but you have got to do what you have got to do!)

Original poster

hamabr86 · 29/06/2018 17:16

LOL that is mean and I would say genius! Unfortunately I think she sees them as obligatory from comments she's made before, so unless we choose for her she's just going to keep going and feeling like shes missing out with us I suspect.

She told me a few weeks back she was tired of parties and I told her she didn't actually HAVE to go, but she looked at me like I'd lost my mind.

OP posts:

Maybe83 · 29/06/2018 17:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sailinghappy · 29/06/2018 17:33

Aw try to think about this from your SD point of view... her family is already split and now she has to miss out on parties because of it? None of this is her fault, try to be kind to her.

fuzzyfozzy · 29/06/2018 17:55

It's a tough situation and the best way out of them is to have concrete important plans that can't be changed or missed. Obviously don't miss bf parties though.

takeittakeit · 29/06/2018 21:30

Isn't this more a case of Disney blended families.

It is about the kids having a normal family life with both parents, that includes Dad taking them to parties as well as Mum. EOW does not mean Mum should do all the parties on her time either.

I really struggle to nderstand that time with the NRP means the kids give up on their activities every other weekend. Doing them is part of their Dads life as much as Mums

swingofthings · 29/06/2018 21:51

Kids parties are a nightmare. To make it worse, for the first three years of primary, their class was composed of 30 kids all born within 4 months of each other.

These are as much of a pain for nrp than pwc. As a pwc, I too wanted to say no at times, but didn't because my kids would have felt they've been left out. They talk about it before and after, and it's not too nice when you're the only one of a group of friends who wasn't there and didn't get the surprises in the party bags.

I think it is reasonable to turn them down when something else exciting is organised, but as a rule, I think it is the right thing to do for them at that age. They dwindle after a few years, but then the sport/dance activities start...

Original poster

hamabr86 · 29/06/2018 23:31

Thing is my other half doesn't seem to have a sense of what classes as a reasonable excuse. I felt awful leaving his brothers after one night so we could get back for a party for a kid she doesn't actually speak to at school. We don't see much of them with the kids and probably won't again for another 6 months. It's like there's no give.

Maybe I've made it sound like I don't want her to go to any... I would only like to decline the odd one, most definitely not all. It does suck for them I'll give you but equally it sucks they don't get equal time with their parents so I sort of feel like we are forced into making the best of a poor situation.

Thanks maybe83, I might suggest that he take 3 year old out while oldest is at a party as the distance developing from little one is what has concerned me most (although I can't deny enjoying being flavour of the month a bit haha).

OP posts:

NeverTwerkNaked · 29/06/2018 23:43

I don’t really get how parents of young children end up living so far apart? I couldn’t do it to mine. And their dad is monstrously selfish at times but even he wouldn’t move that far away.

I think if a parent chooses to move far away then they suck up the driving, and it was a foreseeable consequence of moving. The children deserve their social life.

(If mum moved away then they don’t get to preach about going to parties, on the other hand)

This isn’t a step parent bashing comment, I’m a parent and a step parent. But I couldn’t imagine uprooting myself or my children so that their two homes were so far apart.

NeverTwerkNaked · 29/06/2018 23:47

I’m not saying it’s essential to go to all of them; but it’s part and parcel of parenting a 5 year old and quite mean to gripe about the journey time unless it was their mum who moved away.
What will you do about clubs and activities as they get older? These are often on weekends too

egginacup · 29/06/2018 23:52

I think the DC have to come
first, not the convenience of the NRP. There have been times when my exH (who moved away) has stayed with the DC in a hotel near me for his contact weekend so that they could go to a party, or driven them back early. There have also been times when we’ve declined invitations on his weekend if it’s not a close friend, but for the most part we try to make it work so that they can go.

I think it’s important that NRPs take part in DC’s ordinary lives as much as possible and that involves putting up with taking them to parties.

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