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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What now

52 replies

NotHereToJudge · 27/06/2018 22:26

So I've been with a guy for 2 years and he has a daughter of 6.

I've met her a couple of times as I am very uneasy about being too much in her life. I am this way because when I'm not there they get on great and have fun but when I'm with them she hangs off her dad and doesn't let me in the room without making it very clear I'm not welcome. She stares at me, says I get in the way (when I'm only trying to get involved in the game to make it a good thing I'm there) when I stay out the way in my room she goes home and says I didn't want her there because I didn't want to play with her.

I freeze when she is around and stand away from them when they are together. I hate it.

I learnt it deal with the situation(horrible but my room became my comfort the 3/4days she is here) but now we have a son together and I refuse to make him miss out on his sons life and us both be in the room because she doesn't like us

I don't want her gone I want help to make it right with us

It doesn't help that her mother constantly is on my fb profile looking at my pics and showing his daughter (I've blocked her now) and saying I don't care because I've gone out with my friends when the daughter is over.
But if I stay in then "I'm playing mum"

Help me

OP posts:
Original poster
NotHereToJudge · 28/06/2018 21:37

I tried to make a relationship with her

I spent one on one with her

I let her pick the first clothes baby to wear

I bought her gifts from her brother to her

I give her 100% if her dads time

If I give her dads time I'm wrong if I don't I'm wrong

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 28/06/2018 21:41

I’m not attacking you and stating facts. This child has reacted in a bad way to you and your child, it hard for her to really adapt to. My dd gets jealsous of her 2year old brother and they share the same parents. Try to think for her POV for a second. She’s had her df to herself and he meets his new gf starts having one to one with her which I think was too much and have said things she doesn’t really understand. New gf gets pregnant and now dd has to share her df not only with his new gf she doesn’t know very well but with another child.

Disfordarkchocolate · 28/06/2018 21:43

How about all getting out and about together? Trips to the beach, animal attractions, aquariums etc give you all something to look at and talk about. Nothing too big or busy so it's not stressful or seen as showy.

Original poster
NotHereToJudge · 28/06/2018 21:43

I know how she feels
I grew up with no Mam and just me and my dad

I get how hard it is but I know I wasn't ever rude or dismissive of my dads gf/current wife

All I want to know is how to make it better not be told what I did wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
NotHereToJudge · 28/06/2018 21:45

Disfordarkchocolate
Thank you, that's a good idea

Mutual ground and something easy going no stress on us all

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 28/06/2018 21:47

How new is the baby? Most children have a bit of an adjustment period when a new sibling comes along, whether they have same 2 parents or not.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 28/06/2018 21:47

She’s still very small op. By telling you the reason why she is reacting this way you can move forward to and address it.

Firstly I think you need to take a step back one to one is not what she needs with you but with her df, moving from there as pp try going out somewhere she would like to go.

It’s needs to be rebuilt slowly.

Original poster
NotHereToJudge · 28/06/2018 21:49

I've just been told when I don't engage in her that's bad

But if I do that's bad??

If I'm there I'm too much if I'm not there "how dare I have a child which was very unexpected but very wanted"

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 28/06/2018 21:51

Your DP needs to be steering this BTW. He needs to be making sure he is including you in family time and modelling respectful behaviour towards you. He created the situation after all.

Original poster
NotHereToJudge · 28/06/2018 21:51

Baby is 6 months old now

She loves him she talks about him non stop when my DP FaceTimes her on his days away but then wen she is here she wants nothing I do with him

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 28/06/2018 21:53

That’s pretty normal. Babies are nice in theory but the reality is they are boring and whingey. For a 6 year old there isn’t much to keep her entertained.

Snappedandfarted2018 · 28/06/2018 21:53

You met her then suddenly your having one to one time with her. It should have been her DF slowly introduced her to you over a period of time whilst having one to one time with him aswell. No one is attacking you for having a child but the child has been in factor for the upheaval in this girls life hence her behaviour.

anditgoes · 28/06/2018 22:04

All these posts on what they should have done aren't really very helpful. She hid away and hoped things would magically get better. Surely we've all been guilty of that on occasion?

OP I would try and let go of past feelings and start with a new approach. Next time she's down you could ask her what she'd like to do for "family day" give three options and let her pick. Aim the day towards her and make sure both you and her dad indulge in something with her. For example go to the beach and then you take her to the 2p machines, DP takes her on a ride. All have a family walk down the pier. Talk to her, not each other and then both of you tuck her into bed.

Just some advice, might be bad advice but it's what I would attempt to do.

Hope things get better, blended families can be very hard but also extremely rewarding when they are working out Thanks

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 28/06/2018 22:08

She hid away and hoped things would magically get better. Surely we've all been guilty of that on occasion?

An adult, adult enough to bring her own baby into the world, hiding for 8(ish) months from a 6 year old whose life she was now a permanent part of. No, sorry, we haven’t all done that. When OP got that positive pregnancy test that was the time to put the big girl pants on and do some hard work. Not hide like a child.

anditgoes · 28/06/2018 22:11

@ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo obviously not that exact situation. She's trying now, clearly knowing it was a silly move so surely there's more help to be given rather than stating the obvious?

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 28/06/2018 22:14

I know you didn’t mean that exact situation, I meant we haven’t all done something like that. There are certain situations you have to suck it up and be an adult. As hard as that may be. This is one of them.

flamingofridays · 28/06/2018 22:23

Christ. Op did what she thought was best for SD by giving her the contact time alone with her dad that she was used to. That was apparently wrong but spending time with SD was also wrong. Not only that but after being pregnant when you've been told you won't have kids is a big deal maybe op needed to get her own head round it.

Has your dp made any effort to improve the relationship between you and sd, op? If anything it's his job to make sure things run smoothly not yours.

anditgoes · 28/06/2018 22:25

Also agree that DP should be the one more worried about this. Where's his input in all of this?

Thymeout · 29/06/2018 09:22

PPs seem to be ignoring the role played in this situation by DP's ex, who spends the most time with this little girl and is involving her in her hostility to the Op's existence. (Criticism of her 'playing mother' and discussion of fb photos on her phone with the child.} Her behaviour has surely massively contributed to the problem.

I agree that DP is key to resolving the issues. Is there any possibility that he could involve his ex in a discussion of what she thinks would be in the best interests of their child to help her adjust to the situation?

flamingofridays · 29/06/2018 09:30

I agree that DP is key to resolving the issues. Is there any possibility that he could involve his ex in a discussion of what she thinks would be in the best interests of their child to help her adjust to the situation?

in my personal experience it probably wont go well. If you had asked that to DP's ex she would have just said to remove me from their life completely and for DP to go back to her. In fact 6 years later she would say the same!

if this woman is bitter (Which by the way she is fb stalking and talking to her child, she is) no amount of talking to her wont help. In her head she is probably doing absolutely nothing wrong.

If you asked DP's ex what kind of a mother she is, she would tell you she is a brilliant one who was brought up 3 kids single handedly bla bla bla, it couldn't be further from the truth.

Thymeout · 29/06/2018 10:50

Yes - I was afraid it was probably a silly question.

But worth a try? She's part of the problem and should be part of the solution.

flamingofridays · 29/06/2018 11:00

no harm in trying I suppose!

Original poster
NotHereToJudge · 29/06/2018 21:08

Talking to the ex is not an option unfortunately

Trust me I've tried. I've tried sending her a message, calling her and meeting up. All to which she is very very lovely to me, and then throws in that it's all a misunderstanding and I (quote) shouldn't be listening to what a 6 year old says because they lie.

Then each time we've spoke she has stopped contact with DP and his daughter. Her excuse is that I've been threatening her - I've shown everyone involved the texts I've sent, the voice recording of our talks never once have I done that.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotHereToJudge · 29/06/2018 21:10

*Flamingofridays
*
That's all we get from her. She has never got over the fact my partner left her years ago ( nothing to do with me he left when DSD was 2)

He left because she was making him choose between her and his family and if he saw his family he wasn't loyal to her

OP posts:
Original poster
NotHereToJudge · 29/06/2018 21:11

And before anyone says this is hearsay it isn't I've seen how she treats his family

OP posts:
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