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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What now

52 replies

NotHereToJudge · 27/06/2018 22:26

So I've been with a guy for 2 years and he has a daughter of 6.

I've met her a couple of times as I am very uneasy about being too much in her life. I am this way because when I'm not there they get on great and have fun but when I'm with them she hangs off her dad and doesn't let me in the room without making it very clear I'm not welcome. She stares at me, says I get in the way (when I'm only trying to get involved in the game to make it a good thing I'm there) when I stay out the way in my room she goes home and says I didn't want her there because I didn't want to play with her.

I freeze when she is around and stand away from them when they are together. I hate it.

I learnt it deal with the situation(horrible but my room became my comfort the 3/4days she is here) but now we have a son together and I refuse to make him miss out on his sons life and us both be in the room because she doesn't like us

I don't want her gone I want help to make it right with us

It doesn't help that her mother constantly is on my fb profile looking at my pics and showing his daughter (I've blocked her now) and saying I don't care because I've gone out with my friends when the daughter is over.
But if I stay in then "I'm playing mum"

Help me

OP posts:
El1995 · 27/06/2018 22:49

Have you communicated your concerns and issues with your husband? I think in order for this to work you both need to be on the same page in terms of making things right. How often does she visit? Also what does your husband think of the situation? 2 years is a long time to have been in her life and only seen her a fee times. Maybe have one day a week of a family day out, that'd be fun for everyone and get you all to bond as a family, and have the other day as daddy daughter day so she doesn't feel like she's not getting time with her dad. You need to voice these things with your husband and make it clear to him how you feel. He needs to ensure that his daughter isn't making you feel uncomfortable in terms of if she says something unkind he needs to put his foot down.

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 27/06/2018 22:52

Why on earth wasnt this sorted before having his baby? Or at very least in the 9 months before he was born?

Snappedandfarted2018 · 27/06/2018 22:54

I think the problem is you haven’t built you any foundations you met her a couple of times yet in your short relationship you got pregnant and had your son? How old is he by any chance? That’s a massive change for a child her age to deal with.

Afterthestorm · 27/06/2018 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1486915549 · 28/06/2018 00:23

I don’t understand how you have only met her a few times yet you have been with her father two years and have a son.
Does she stay with you on a regular basis. Has she met her brother .?
You can’t keep hiding from her, it is not fair on any of you.
Talk to your DP and make some plans for being together as a family as well as 1 on 1 time for your SD and her dad

MyKingdomForBrie · 28/06/2018 00:29

You need to start toughing it out. Just bomb her with niceness and ignore any nastiness from her. She's a confused kid probably hearing shit from her dm if your info is correct. Don't take it personally because it's not about who you actually are, it's what you represent.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 28/06/2018 00:35

I think that this is bound to be hard, if you look at it from the girls point of view, she’s met her Dads new girlfriend twice in two years however in that time you’ve moved in and had a baby. Her sibling.

She’s also only six. It’s massively confusing. You and her Dad have moved pretty fast and without gradually letting her be part of this change. I’m a SM and did have a baby with my DP, but my DSCs were living with me then and we’d had a few years of getting to know each other.

It is hard to be rejected, but I don’t know how strong a relationship she has with her Dad, sounds like she’s clingy for understandable reasons. You have to give her a chance before she gives you one.

Oswin · 28/06/2018 00:38

How have you only seen her a few times? If you live together how does that work?

swingofthings · 28/06/2018 05:59

You opted to ignore the issue at the start and pretend that all will turn out ok. Now you are facing the fact that it isn't.

This girl clearly had a great life, enjoying quality time with her dad before you came into the picture. You didn't bring anything additional that will make it better, instead you came in and took away part of her happiness. That is how SHE will have considered you coming into her father's life. Some kids do welcome additional family members, some don't. You can't control that but when you are 'unfortunate' enough to find yourself in a relationship with a man who has a kid who doesn't welcome you, the only way things are going to work is to win their heart before you commit fully to the relationship.

You opted not to do that but instead showed her that you could make yourself scarce so she could continue to enjoy a similar time with her dad than she had before. Of course she is going to take it that it is therefore ok to continue to pretend you don't really exist.

It is now going to be much harder to convince her that you've got something positive to bring into her life. Don't expect her to turn around and suddenly decide that if her dad chose you to have another child with, you are bound to be a great person worth getting to know better. Kids that age don't think like that. You'll win her by making an effort to know her, accept the little person that she is, and slowly make her see that actually having you in her life is making it even more fun and happy, not the other way around.

Talk to your OH and decide how to find the right balance between making it clear that she still gets to spend a lot of time with him alone but also starting to introduce you in her life in a way that she will see as a positive introduction but expect it to be a slow process.

lunar1 · 28/06/2018 06:03

Your post is very confusing, how can you be seen to be playing mum to a girl you have met a couple of times?

The poor girl has had a lot dumped on her, a sibling appearing from someone who is nothing more than a random stranger to her. Her dad and you are going to have to-slowly introduce your presence in her life.

OllyBJolly · 28/06/2018 06:14

Too many things don't add up - you've only met her a few times but enough for you to find our from her her mum is "constantly" on your Facebook profile? You "deal" with her visits by hiding in your room for 3/4 days?

Poor girl. She's six. What's your excuse? Stop blaming her and her mum for your poor relationship. Be the adult and make an effort.

Weddingplanningandlovingit · 28/06/2018 13:28

How is this the OPs fault? She is posting for support and all she gets is it’s her fault for daring to have a relationship with a man with a child! Not all children behave this way when a partner comes into their dad’s life! I was lucky, I had one child that fully accepted me from day one, but the second has been hard work from the start. They were both brought up the same, but I think girls are harder work than boys.

Even at 6 she knows right from wrong and should be gently encouraged by her father, particularly as you have a child together, her half brother!

Good luck OP they don’t get any easier as they get older and, speaking as someone who has been Facebook stalked by the ex, feel sorry for her that she hasn’t anything better to do! X

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 28/06/2018 14:11

She is posting for support and all she gets is it’s her fault for daring to have a relationship with a man with a child!

Actually if you bothered to read the posts properly you will see that isn’t the case. No-one is saying she shouldn’t dare be with a man who has a child. People are saying she should have dealt with the quite important issue of getting along with his child before bringing another child into the relationship. Common sense really.

Weddingplanningandlovingit · 28/06/2018 18:22

@Zibbidoo I am able to read and it's not a particularly long thread, I am able to draw my own conclusions of what is being said, thanks! As usual a bunch of women attacking another woman as she was not his first partner!

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 28/06/2018 18:26

Well that’s just bollocks though, isn’t it? Because that’s not what is being said. You’re just making stuff up for some reason.

Weddingplanningandlovingit · 28/06/2018 18:56

@Zibbidoo - perhaps it's you that's not able to read? Why would I make it up? As for talking bollocks .....

ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 28/06/2018 20:27

Right ok, show us the posts we’re people have said it’s her fault for getting with a man who has a child? Quote them.

takeittakeit · 28/06/2018 21:00

The OP and the DF have done nothing to prepare this child, integrate or make her comfortable with the situation.

Facebook stalking - jeez this is old. I used to look at EXs facebook page and the OWs because then I had a fair idea when contact was going to be fucked over - as I knew they were off to see her frineds, on holiday to the Caribbean etc!!!! Ex did not turn up or phone for 2 weeks - a week of which he was supposed to take them on holiday. He was in the Caribbean with her and her DCS - not enough monies to take his DCS aswell!!

4 yr old , split parents, new partner, new child all in 2 years.......
No wonder the poor child is unhappy.

Original poster
NotHereToJudge · 28/06/2018 21:27

*Weddingplanning
*
Thank you for actually taking a human approach to my post and reading it in a non judgemental way. You are a much better person than all those who condemn me before I even get to reply.

I've seen her a couple o times (not TWO I wasn't being literal)
A couple of times actually me and her one on one to which I was told I was pretending to be her mother. That's when she told me her Mother looks at my pictures on her phone (Facebook Is all I have) and says those things about me that's how I know.

Soon as her real Mam said this I stopped and with that trouble started in the household we us three spending time.

As for having a child. I was told I couldn't carry children from having a brain tumour but once I fell pregnant I was not going abort because another child didn't like the fact I was with her dad in a happy relationship.

Something I didn't think I'd have to revel in order to not be judge for being a bad human for having a baby!!!!!

Now I realise my actions of hiding isn't great that's why I posted

I thought a group of women would be best to talk to clearly not you awful judgmental people!!!

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 28/06/2018 21:31

Regardless of your past history op you brought another child into a new relationship where they was an existing child who by your admission had difficulty accepting a relationship with you this was of course going to cause problems.

Oswin · 28/06/2018 21:33

Im not bashing you im curious to how it works, if shes there alot how have you only met a few times over two years.

Original poster
NotHereToJudge · 28/06/2018 21:34

I haven't met her a couple of times!
I have spent time with her me and her a couple of times

Wrong wording

OP posts:
ZibbidooZibbidooZibbidoo · 28/06/2018 21:35

but once I fell pregnant I was not going abort because another child didn't like the fact I was with her dad in a happy relationship.

No-one said you should have aborted your son Hmm but you did have what, 8? Months to prepare your partner’s child for the new baby and to build up a relationship with her. Why didn’t you?

Original poster
NotHereToJudge · 28/06/2018 21:36

*Snappedandfarted
*
You be told you can't have a child
Then fall pregnant and you come back with an answer

OP posts:
Snappedandfarted2018 · 28/06/2018 21:37

I don’t think people were being hard on you but just stating facts that adding another child into the mix in a relationship where you’re still new is throwing a grenade into the situation.

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