How much is too much?

[user1473756940]

Hi just wanted to see what people's thoughts and opinions were on how much should be expected of step parents in caring for step children when actual parents aren't available.

My partner has two DD6 & DD3, he alternates between having them 3 nights per week one week and 4 nights per week the next week. I have a DD12 who is with us 7 days a week as her father is not on the scene. We both work full-time.

My partner is currently employed but is trying to go self-employed as a sole trader. As anyone who has gone self employed will know, taking the initial plunge, building up a client base etc takes a lot of work at first, but the hope is it will ultimately pay off leaving him more flexible in the long-term for the kids and family whilst also generating a better income. I work 9-5 5 days a week, so my hours are consistent. As his line of work is seasonal he has managed to get quite a few jobs lined up for himself, but for the time being wants to continue working in the week as employed until sole trader really takes off and their is consistent work. So he will be working all week and weekend bar Sunday afternoon for the foreseeable. Which means I will be caring for the DSDs during the weekend. I don't mind this, I love them to bits and I am already planning days out etc to keep everyone busy. My partner has asked the kids mums if she would mind switching some days, or having them back for a few hours on the Saturday etc just so its not entirely on me but she has said no. Which I understand, as I have been a single mum myself and when my daughter's father did used to have her I relished my time. I also appreciate that it is my partner's choice to work on his days for care of the kids and therefore his problem. But... with working all week, and then caring for kids, whilst battling to get on top of housework, plus make sure everyone has a nice weekend, when do I get a break? The children's mum does not work, with 6 year old in full time school and 3 year old in 3 days a week, I appreciate it is her time but AIBU to think having them for a few hours on Saturday wouldn't be the end of the world?

I know that's selfish on my part and I know the majority reaction will be that Dad should be sorting this out, but I really do want him to get his business off the ground as in the long-term it will be better for all, including the ex, as he will be able to have more flexible hours for picking up and taking to school etc.

I think the point is I didn't see how it would do her much harm to have them a few hours one Saturday in a month. That's not a lot. Because she doesn't work and I work full time. But at the same time I appreciate her time is her time and it's my OHs responsibility to sort that which I have said I will do. She does have more free time than me, to eat magnums in her knickers if she wishes. Me, I clean the bathroom whilst I'm showering to save time.

Because if this ex is a half decent parent I bet the 3 year old would rather be with mum

Yeah, she’s a shit parent . She has agreed a very fair split of parenting time and got on with her life. Her ex can’t fulfill his part of the bargain but she’s the shit parent.

Give me strength.

You need to get over the fact that she doesn’t work and you do OP. You do your life, she does hers. She hasn’t asked you to work full time, look after her children and clean the bathroom in your free time.

Again can't win in this situation. Whatever way you look at it I'm an arse and she can't do a thing wrong. My problem was never actually with her from the op but the comments have made it into that. It's been twisted into a woman vs woman thing. Which it wasn't meant to ne. It was meant to be a question about whether I was doing too much.

Sod it. I would rather run myself into the ground to make things easier for all. And I've just booked tickets for outdoor teddy bears picnic at the weekend so we will have a fab time. Peace out

Flipping heck!! You whinged about her having free time to eat magnums whilst you have to clean bathrooms. you made it about you versus her. You.

If you think you’re doing to much then stop. He isn’t your husband, they aren’t your children and as of this moment you have zero claim on any money he makes now or in the future from his new business. Stop being a martyr. It’s suits no-one and gets old very quickly.

I think if you look back you did that. You accused me of making it an issue with her. You minced my words up to make it that. I am just trying to make the best of the situation for the kids and me

Flipping heck!! You whinged about her having free time to eat magnums whilst you have to clean bathrooms. you made it about you versus her. You.

It’s true.

Oh you mean the dig about her not being interested in having quality time with her children. Yes that was you too.

OP you are very clearly fed up with the wrong person. You have no obligation to these children. Tell your partner to sort it out!

You read it as a dig. It was not a dig. It was a genuine observation. One that only entered into my mind when the 6 yo has said things which is why it's been previously mentioned to Mum. So lay off trying to make into someone who has something against her. I have the upmost respect for their mum.

Well you keep saying things that makes it sound like you resent her. You keep mentioning that she doesn’t work, Has more free time etc, while poor you has to clean bathrooms.

Oh jeez you should work in a butchers

It’s worth thinking about, though.

Your resentment of her is leaking out enough to be visible to us if not to yourself. If you dealt with that, you’d probably feel better. Seriously.

Some of us have learned the hard way that “Be flexible” = “be a doormat” so we stick to the arrangements to avoid having the piss taken completely. That isn’t us being awkward, that’s us enforcing boundaries when dealing with a piss taker.

So would it be ok for a parent to palm their child off to whoever they can then if the other parent says no to their child being with them? eg stepparent/grandparent/friend etc... and hardly see them during their contact time, when the child could be with their other parent instead? When people say “your time your problem” it just makes me cringe.

Sometimes it just comes across as one big point scoring match and there is a child in the middle who if asked, would probably rather be with either parent than anyone else. If the parent they are supposed to be with isn’t going to be around that much on a certain day, then if they can I think the other parent should actually want to have their child and be flexible instead of saying “but it’s my child free time!”. Some people just need to grow up and put their child first if the other parent can’t or won’t.
Often it’s the stepparent that is left to be the doormat. The difference is, they don’t really have the freedom to say no to the child being with them like the child’s actual other parent does. Imagine if the stepparent said no I’m not having my dsc this weekend while you have to do over time because the child is your problem when they are with you. MN would be very cross with that stepparent that’s for sure.

Again, the courts will NOT allow one parent to dictate to the other what should happen during their time with children. Not an issue to spend time with family and friends.

My child free time is not necessarily about being child free. It is also about working (for money), doing housework (so I can spend more time with my kids when they are with me). I do want my children with me - they would be better off with me than being with their father who does nothing. It slag me off - but they are not quite of an age where they get to choose. You also need to recognise that childcare and other logistics need to be put in place - getting short notice childcare isn’t always possible and why should I run myself ragged sorting that on my ex’s time (not to mention paying for it)?

I AM thinking of my children when I’m the only one supporting them and I have to be organised with military precision to get through the day. If I don’t work, no other bugger is paying my bills....

So would it be ok for a parent to palm their child off to whoever they can then if the other parent says no to their child being with them?

Repsonsible adult would be best childcare during contact time is that parents responsibility to sort. As long as the children are safe and adequately cared for it’s fine. Parents are allowed to use childcare you know.

eg stepparent/grandparent/friend etc... and hardly see them during their contact time,

If dad has booked work then he won’t be seeing the kids anyway, regardless of who the chidlren are with.

when the child could be with their other parent instead?

Other parent has plans. Due to being child free at that time.

When people say “your time your problem” it just makes me cringe.

How odd.

Sometimes it just comes across as one big point scoring match

Sometimes (most tbh) you don’t know the full story.

If the parent they are supposed to be with isn’t going to be around that much on a certain day,

You mean deliberately booking work when they knew their child was expecting to see them? Isn’t going to be around much? I must try that one at school pick up time “hi school, I’m not going to be around much this evening so can you keep child until I’m free to parent them?”

then if they can I think the other parent should actually want to have their child and be flexible instead of saying “but it’s my child free time!”.

Again, you don’t know the full story. You have no idea why a parent might actually need to do nothing other than lie in a darkened room during their child free time.

Imagine if the stepparent said no I’m not having my dsc this weekend while you have to do over time because the child is your problem when they are with you. MN would be very cross with that stepparent that’s for sure.

That’s exactly what many step parents are told to do. It’s exactly what this OP has been told to do. And FYI, MN isn’t the regulatory body for step parents. People can run their lives however they like without MN approval. Stop being so silly.

Oh and BTW I dont always want my children with me. They aren’t always being very nice to be around. Particularly when they were smaller. It’s fine not to want to be permanently attached to your children.

Oh and BTW I dont always want my children with me. They aren’t always being very nice to be around. Particularly when they were smaller. It’s fine not to want to be permanently attached to your children.

Oooh imagine if your child’s stepmum said that about your kids! I doubt you would like that.

You mean deliberately booking work when they knew their child was expecting to see them? Isn’t going to be around much? I must try that one at school pick up time “hi school, I’m not going to be around much this evening so can you keep child until I’m free to parent them?”

Haha, yeah, you’re deliberately missing the point there. School isn’t a parent so I’m a bit confused about that analogy...

Other parent has plans. Due to being child free at that time.

As I said upthread if the parent has plans then they won’t be able to have their child will they? If they were just planning on a Netflix and chill afternoon and they know there’s a stressed stepmum looking after their child instead of them, then that’s a different story.

You have no idea why a parent might actually need to do nothing other than lie in a darkened room during their child free time.

Oh don’t we all as parents need to lie in a darkened room. That isn’t just limited to single parents.

Oooh imagine if your child’s stepmum said that about your kids! wink I doubt you would like that.

I’ve actually met my chidlren so I’ll bet you all the money in my purse she has said it. Kids are kids, none are angels. Im no idiot. I expect anyone else caring for them to find them difficult as times.

Haha, yeah, you’re deliberately missing the point there. School isn’t a parent so I’m a bit confused about that analogy.

Oh so it’s just mums that have to tolerate being dumped on when it doesn’t suit dad to parent? Can’t possibly dump on dad because he’s doing very important “not being around” stuff. Mum can’t dump on anyone, she just has to accept kids whenever wherever. Good to know.

As I said upthread if the parent has plans then they won’t be able to have their child will they?

Plans to do nothing other than watch Jeremy Kyle and eat pot noodles.

If they were just planning on a Netflix and chill afternoon and they know there’s a stressed stepmum looking after their child instead of them, then that’s a different story.

Nah it’s not. Everyone needs chill time. If stepmum needs it then dad needs to step up.

That isn’t just limited to single parents.

Who said it was?

Oh so it’s just mums that have to tolerate being dumped on when it doesn’t suit dad to parent? Can’t possibly dump on dad because he’s doing very important “not being around” stuff. Mum can’t dump on anyone, she just has to accept kids whenever wherever. Good to know.

Where have I said mum? I have said throughout the thread “parent/other parent/single parent”. That could mean mum or dad. It could always happen the other way around where mum needs flexibility and dad should try to be accommodating to that rather than saying a straight up NO because it’s not his weekend not his problem. Never once did I say it was all one sided and it’s always the poor mumz who need to suck it all up.

Plans to do nothing other than watch Jeremy Kyle and eat pot noodles.

Living the dream there.

Nah it’s not. Everyone needs chill time. If stepmum needs it then dad needs to step up.

Yes everyone does need chill time. But a few extra hours here and there with your kids, yeah that must be really tough going especially when you don’t work (the you is directed at the ex in the op’s situation not you personally).

f they were just planning on a Netflix and chill afternoon and they know there’s a stressed stepmum looking after their child instead of them, then that’s a different story

Why? If my children are with their dad, that is his problem to sort out, not mine. If step mum is stresssed she needs to be dealing with my ex, or me. If he can’t actually care for the children on his parenting time then he needs to admit that and look at renegotiating how often/when he sees the children. I do ‘t u derstand why you think a stressed step mum is the ex’s responsibility to sort out.

Or me should read ‘not me’.

But a few extra hours here and there with your kids, yeah that must be really tough going especially when you don’t work

Except you have no idea whatsoever of what the ex might do with her time when her children aren’t with her. Maybe she too is trying to build a business or is studying g for the future. Regardless, she doesn’t need to justify her free time to anyone.

I think OP has come to ask for help not to have a fight. I feel there are some people who would benefit from taking a chill pill lol. We are all human beings and we all Feel crap sometimes And need someone to put things Together with A different perspective. No blood on the floor needed lol

Op if I may give you another example?
My dp and I have the children full time and ew only sees them once a month for a few hours at our house.
I work full time and dp works part time. Dsd is 12 and full of hormones and dss is 11 and has severe learning disabilities that make his mental age about 1.5.
We don't get a break from the children. We we have respite that's dsd time.
That's life.
You sound like you're doing a good job and working hard.
But if you're unhappy about your lot, talk to your dp about it.
Sometimes it doesn't work out the way you think and you have to suck it up and get on with it.
I thought ew would be having her dd eow and seeing dss the alternate weekends.
It hasn't worked out that way.

I know it’s hard, however if he agreed and wanted 50/50 then he has to stick to this. I do see this in these forums, Dad wanted 50/50 but then, work creeps in and their new GF is expected to take the load.

I know you say your DP is not pressuring you, but he is. It’s not fair of him. I think a new business takes years to settle and will have lots of unexpected hours.

If I were you I would agree to a small amount, a couple of hours a week. And that’s it. I’d then totally remove myself from this. It’s for your DP and EW to negotiate. Your DP has changed their terms, he has to offer EW more support if he does not pay maintenance. If he does pay, that’s different as this is a silly way to 50/50 and not sustainable.

I kicked back and refused my step children for many of the hours I had to sole parent. However that was different, EW would send them to our house even if it was empty, with no notice, we also had majority care but paid her full maintenance and her mortgage. What’s their situation?