How much is too much?

[user1473756940]

Hi just wanted to see what people's thoughts and opinions were on how much should be expected of step parents in caring for step children when actual parents aren't available.

My partner has two DD6 & DD3, he alternates between having them 3 nights per week one week and 4 nights per week the next week. I have a DD12 who is with us 7 days a week as her father is not on the scene. We both work full-time.

My partner is currently employed but is trying to go self-employed as a sole trader. As anyone who has gone self employed will know, taking the initial plunge, building up a client base etc takes a lot of work at first, but the hope is it will ultimately pay off leaving him more flexible in the long-term for the kids and family whilst also generating a better income. I work 9-5 5 days a week, so my hours are consistent. As his line of work is seasonal he has managed to get quite a few jobs lined up for himself, but for the time being wants to continue working in the week as employed until sole trader really takes off and their is consistent work. So he will be working all week and weekend bar Sunday afternoon for the foreseeable. Which means I will be caring for the DSDs during the weekend. I don't mind this, I love them to bits and I am already planning days out etc to keep everyone busy. My partner has asked the kids mums if she would mind switching some days, or having them back for a few hours on the Saturday etc just so its not entirely on me but she has said no. Which I understand, as I have been a single mum myself and when my daughter's father did used to have her I relished my time. I also appreciate that it is my partner's choice to work on his days for care of the kids and therefore his problem. But... with working all week, and then caring for kids, whilst battling to get on top of housework, plus make sure everyone has a nice weekend, when do I get a break? The children's mum does not work, with 6 year old in full time school and 3 year old in 3 days a week, I appreciate it is her time but AIBU to think having them for a few hours on Saturday wouldn't be the end of the world?

I know that's selfish on my part and I know the majority reaction will be that Dad should be sorting this out, but I really do want him to get his business off the ground as in the long-term it will be better for all, including the ex, as he will be able to have more flexible hours for picking up and taking to school etc.

I didn’t say it was free childcare. Parents don’t give free childcare anyway, they simply parent their children. Having your child for an extra few hours isn’t providing free childcare, it’s just being a parent to your children. The same children that don’t go “poof!” and disappear in to thin air as soon as they aren’t in your house. If an emergency came up you couldn’t just turn your nose up and say not my problem.

But it’s not an emergency. Their father decided to work when he is supposed to be parenting his children. That’s not his exes problem to solve. His childcare arrangements are his own issue. He has no god given right to use his ex to solve his problems.

If the dsds and dd were all your children..if you and dp had had three children together you'd be looking after everyone in this situation..

The same children that don’t go “poof!” and disappear in to thin air as soon as they aren’t in your house. If an emergency came up you couldn’t just turn your nose up and say not my problem

This. Although this situation isn’t an emergency, it’s the same attitude. You don’t stop being a parent when they’re not in your house. That’s deadbeat territory.

No I know this isn’t an emergency.
He’s asked her to be flexible and she’s point blank refused on the basis that it’s his time so his problem. If I wasn’t doing anything I would always be accommodating and have my children with me rather than refusing just to be awkward. Especially if I knew their stepparent would be looking after them when I could be instead. If I knew it would be a permanent thing for the foreseeable future then I’d factor that in too. I guess we are all just different.

I think you sound lovely and your dp is trying to do something for long term good of whole family. So I'd just get on with it

My XH is a “not my time, not my problem” parent. For all his kids, not just DS1. I’ve asked in an actual emergency and been told no.

I cannot ubderstand a parent who won’t have their kids home. It’s their home!

I also always saw dsds and my dds as all part of family so didn't feel I was 'looking' after them as such. Their time with us was just family time.. But my dsds were older when I came into their lives.. So maybe easier

Urgh!! No-one is saying the woman has no responsibility to her own children when they are with their father! Dont twist people’s words.

The man has burdened his partner with the childcare of his children and she needs a break. That’s his problem to fix. The ex didn’t burden OP with her children. She is enjoying her child free time. She may be doing nothing other than sitting on the sofa eating a magnum in her knickers. Doesn’t really matter, that’s time in her week when she can do as she pleases because her children are their fathers responsibility to care for at that time. She’s not a selfish cow for doing that. That was the arrangement.

If I wasn’t doing anything I would always be accommodating and have my children with me rather than refusing just to be awkward.

Good for you. Some of us have learned the hard way that “Be flexible” = “be a doormat” so we stick to the arrangements to avoid having the piss taken completely. That isn’t us being awkward, that’s us enforcing boundaries when dealing with a piss taker.

The children's time is split 50/50.
Mum gets just as much quality time with the children as dad does.
And once dad starts working more hours she will be spending more quality time with the children than dad.
Dad is changing his Schedual so it is up to him to work out where the children to on his time.

So what would happened if she then got an opportunity to do take up self enjoyment thst paid well but meant she was away one Sunday per month? Does her opportunity trumps his or is it it a case of first come first served?

He asked which was the right thing to do but she said no which she had the right to do. He now needs to consider his options and thst might mean putting his career wishes aside for some years like thousand if nit million of parents have to do.

That isn’t us being awkward, that’s us enforcing boundaries when dealing with a piss taker.

I get that but what about tbe actual children??? Surely it's better for a 3year old to be with her mum rather than stressed out and overloaded stepmum to be??

I have an almost 3 year old and the thought of seeing him only 50% of the time makes me very sad. If I knew his dad had him I would probably handle it but no way would I miss on opportunity of spending time with my child..Not even to show my ex "boundaries" etc. Because I care about DS more..

I get that but what about tbe actual children??? Surely it's better for a 3year old to be with her mum rather than stressed out and overloaded stepmum to be??

Or daddy could, you know, parent? Why is that guilt being thrown at the Mum rather than the person who actually caused the problem?

Not even to show my ex "boundaries" etc. Because I care about DS more

Depends how far you’re pushed. You eventually have to stand up for yourself.

Clearly I don’t care for my children at all. Heartless cow that I am. But I got to eat all the magnums which was good.

Things have gone quite a far way of my initial post.

I think it just shows how hard it is to keep these balances in mixed families. It's hard. As for the eating a magnum in my pants. I should be so lucky to find the time

Although this situation isn’t an emergency, it’s the same attitude. You don’t stop being a parent when they’re not in your house

Absolutely not. But the line is fine. If you agree 50/50 (or any other split of time for that matter), then both parties arrange their lives on that basis. You take long term reposinsibility for making arrangements to care for your child. The courts would tell you that you have no right to say what happens to your child on their other parent’s time. Your only recourse to the ex should be in an emergency or exceptional circumstances (weddings, funerals, that kind of thing).

Yeah, it’s shit. Utter shit having to wave off a child to their other parent and for a while, you yearn for them and want to have them with you. And then you adapt and your life moves on and you fill your time with stuff you have to do and stuff you enjoy and you don’t miss the child quite so much and you don’t resent the other parent having time either. That is not the same as not being a parent or being a deadbeat or anything else. It’s just the reality of separated parenting. And let’s face it, if the ex were sobbing every time they waved off their child, it would be a distressing experience for everyone concerned. Mothers do not sit around wringing their hands waiting for their child to return!

If he is now unable to parent his child on a 50/50 basis, he needs to renegotiate with his ex. He may need to involve a third party in the form of a mediator and work out realistically what time he is able to parent and make suggestions as to how any gaps might be filled. It’s not reasonable to expect the ex to pick up the slack on an as and when basis and it sure as hell is ‘t her job to give the step mum a rest.

Northern - your posts get more outrageous and so one sided.

Your antipathy towards all EWs regardless of whether they are right or wrong shows you are losing touch with common human decency.

So you propose EW makes the DCs available and when OPs DP does not turn up, that is OK. You are seriously sad and vindictive.

The EW does not have to help out, as this is a 50:50 arrangement, him working to better himself is not going to increase her maintenance - so there really is no benefit to her, other than she loses her child free weekend.

As for the eating a magnum in my pants. I should be so lucky to find the time

Next time his DC are with their Mum send him and your DD out for some glass nails/tartan paint/a long weight in all seriousness, I think he owes you a few hours to yourself?

I get that but what about tbe actual children??? Surely it's better for a 3year old to be with her mum rather than stressed out and overloaded stepmum to be??

The OP has said the 50/50 thing is a mutual arrangement. We have no idea what the ex may do when her child isn’t with her. Why is the default that mum should do the caring and if not, the new partner? How about the child’s actual,parent does some actual parenting?

How about the child’s actual,parent does some actual parenting?

But he will be working...so again..is it better for a 3 year old to be with her mother or with an overloaded and stressed dads partner?

No whats fair to the ex...whats better for the child!

Because if this ex is a half decent parent I bet the 3 year old would rather be with mum

Good plan

I would imagine it would be better for the child expecting to spend time with dad during dad’s contact time to actually, see dad. Instead of spending 3 days with Mum, getting packed off to dad only to be told, “oh actually, you’re going back to Mum”.

Work can actually be arranged to fit in with your child rearing commitments. It’s what most parents do.