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Original poster

How much is too much?

101 replies

user1473756940 · 20/06/2018 10:40

Hi just wanted to see what people's thoughts and opinions were on how much should be expected of step parents in caring for step children when actual parents aren't available.

My partner has two DD6 & DD3, he alternates between having them 3 nights per week one week and 4 nights per week the next week. I have a DD12 who is with us 7 days a week as her father is not on the scene. We both work full-time.

My partner is currently employed but is trying to go self-employed as a sole trader. As anyone who has gone self employed will know, taking the initial plunge, building up a client base etc takes a lot of work at first, but the hope is it will ultimately pay off leaving him more flexible in the long-term for the kids and family whilst also generating a better income. I work 9-5 5 days a week, so my hours are consistent. As his line of work is seasonal he has managed to get quite a few jobs lined up for himself, but for the time being wants to continue working in the week as employed until sole trader really takes off and their is consistent work. So he will be working all week and weekend bar Sunday afternoon for the foreseeable. Which means I will be caring for the DSDs during the weekend. I don't mind this, I love them to bits and I am already planning days out etc to keep everyone busy. My partner has asked the kids mums if she would mind switching some days, or having them back for a few hours on the Saturday etc just so its not entirely on me but she has said no. Which I understand, as I have been a single mum myself and when my daughter's father did used to have her I relished my time. I also appreciate that it is my partner's choice to work on his days for care of the kids and therefore his problem. But... with working all week, and then caring for kids, whilst battling to get on top of housework, plus make sure everyone has a nice weekend, when do I get a break? The children's mum does not work, with 6 year old in full time school and 3 year old in 3 days a week, I appreciate it is her time but AIBU to think having them for a few hours on Saturday wouldn't be the end of the world?

I know that's selfish on my part and I know the majority reaction will be that Dad should be sorting this out, but I really do want him to get his business off the ground as in the long-term it will be better for all, including the ex, as he will be able to have more flexible hours for picking up and taking to school etc.

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MyKingdomForBrie · 20/06/2018 14:50

Well it sounds like you will both be working your arses off for your joint future, but as you’ve said I don’t see what other choice you have if you both want DH to work those hours.

It’s not for his ex to pick up the slack whatever her circumstances. It’ll be worth it in the long run.

Original poster
user1473756940 · 20/06/2018 15:15

The 50/50 arrangement is in place and agreed and wanted by all parties. There is no court order it is all agreed outside of court and has previously been quite flexible on both sides e.g. we recently swapped one night in the week for another as EXP wanted to start going to an exercise class of one of her nights etc. This is also by no means meant to be a long-term arrangement, for everyone's sakes. My OH does not want to miss out on the children that much so we are looking at this being for 4 to 6 weeks, hoping it will actually free him up more for the summer holidays making him available for child care.

He does not pay maintenance on a regular payment basis due to the 50/50 arrangement and him paying for all provisions when they are here. However, the agreement in place is that he pays for all the extras the kids need, such as school uniforms, shoes, clothes, school trips etc.

Also, this is by no means a chore to me. I love my OH's DDs I have a good relationship with them. I am happy to do this, I am just aware that it is going to be hard work and exhausting in addition to all the aspects of life I already juggle.

I suppose I just found it surprising that as they are always with their Dad every weekend, and then in school all week and therefore leaving very little quality time with Mum that she wouldn't want to have them for a little while and make the most of the opportunity, park visits, picnics etc especially now the weather is nicer. But that is her choice and I respect that.

OP posts:
AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo · 20/06/2018 16:07

School all week? Confused One is 3 and the other is 6! School ends at 2pm at the latest (probably 12ish for the 3 year old if she is even in preschool yet) and Mum doesn’t work. She is seeing plenty of them during their waking hours in the week. Lots Of time for the park and picnics. You can’t really pass this off as for her benefit. She’s getting loads of quality time.

SoddingUnicorns · 20/06/2018 16:08

@AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo she has the kids 3 days one week and 4 the next, so as much as their dad is doing.

AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo · 20/06/2018 16:15

Confused not sure what point you’re making? OP expressed her “surprise” that the mother wouldn’t want to spend some quality time with her children because they’re at school all week. I’m simply pointing out that they are small children so only in school until 2pm at the latest so the Mum is getting plenty of quality time. I didn’t say anything about how much their dad is doing.

SoddingUnicorns · 20/06/2018 16:16

My children are in school until 3. And the mother does sound very inflexible. I don’t think OP was being nasty, just stating a fact.

AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo · 20/06/2018 16:17

3 year olds aren’t in school until 3pm. The 6 year old, maybe.

Original poster
user1473756940 · 20/06/2018 16:26

6 year old is in school until 9 til 3.15pm Monday to Friday. 3 year old is in school 9 til 3.15pm Monday to Wednesday. In my experience against you get them home from school and go through the usual rigmarole there isn't much quality time in there. They also spend 1 or 2 of those week nights with us and so are either picked up by dad at school or before tea.

It wasn't a dig I just do find it surprising, if my DD was at school all week and then at her Dad's every weekend I would feel I was missing out on time with her.

OP posts:
SoddingUnicorns · 20/06/2018 16:29

3 year olds aren’t in school full stop.

AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo · 20/06/2018 16:36

How is a 3yo in school until 3:15? So 3 year old is off all day Thursday and Friday. So with Mum. All day Thursday and Friday. Having quality time. I do 3pm pick up. We get back around 3:15 have a snack, do toilets and go to the park every day unless it’s raining.

Original poster
user1473756940 · 20/06/2018 16:38

3 year olds qualify for a amount of hours free childcare when there parent(s) are on certain benefits. Which there Mum is. We live in a fairly rural area with little childcare options but the primary school has a nursery which is where she goes. She has to wear a uniform but it is nursery but we call it school and she does.

I'm bloody imagining the littlest being in school....

OP posts:
Original poster
user1473756940 · 20/06/2018 16:43

AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo I think you somewhat missing the point. And lucky you that you live somewhere you can do school pick up, snacks and park all before tea time, but as I said we live rurally so no such luck. As I do the school run too from time to time. It was just an observation.

OP posts:
AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo · 20/06/2018 16:48

It was more of a dig than an observation really. Not a very subtle one. You’re sore that she wouldn’t do as you wanted so you’re taking a dig at her clear disinterest in her children Hmm she’s their mother, I’m sure she is getting plenty of quality time with her children. Just because she isn’t having it when you want her to doesn’t mean she’s a shit parent.

SoddingUnicorns · 20/06/2018 16:50

You’re sore that she wouldn’t do as you wanted so you’re taking a dig at her clear disinterest in her children

Are you reading a different thread?

PretABoire · 20/06/2018 16:52

I think that if you and your DP make a decision like this, it's up to the two of you to make it work, even if that means you picking up the childcare. I imagine the ex wife wasn't involved in the planning processes here so yes it's unreasonable to expect her to blindly fit around what suits the two of you.

Original poster
user1473756940 · 20/06/2018 17:02

AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo I think you need to brush that chip off your shoulder. That was by no amounts what I was saying. In fact I have never even said I won't look after the children or I'm peed off that she won't. The OP was to voice a little of my exhaustion with an exhausting situation. That's it. It wasn't with animosity or maliciousness. In fact I have stated, that as I have spent a long time myself as a single mum I respect that her time is her time.

Typical case of the SM can't do right for doing wrong in your eyes. Because I will pick up the childcare, and doing my best for those kids every weekend for the next 4 to 6 weeks. In fact I'm on the bus on the way home from work now and will get home to them and make them dinner. But hey what a b**ch I am!

OP posts:
AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo · 20/06/2018 17:09

Op you are doing a lot for your partner by caring for his children while he builds his career. That is not in question, he should be extremely grateful to you. You are by no means obliged to do any of that for him. I have not said you are a bitch, I said you made an unsubtle dig, which I I believe you did, because you are miffed. You cant surely believe this woman doesn’t have any quality time with her children. Do you believe that?

Original poster
user1473756940 · 20/06/2018 17:24

The building of his career is hopefully going to benefit everyone in the long run including the ex as it will free him up more in the summer holidays to share care of the kids.

I don't believe they have no quality time, but I do believe it's limited. She has previously said it herself and the 6 yo has also voiced something along these lines to the extent where it has been suggested that if mum wants she can just have 6 yo for day and dad still keep 3yo to give them quality one on one time. But it hasn't gone ahead

OP posts:
AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo · 20/06/2018 17:33

The building of his career is hopefully going to benefit everyone in the long run including the ex as it will free him up more in the summer holidays to share care of the kids.

Be careful just how much you sacrifice for his career. Without being married it won’t benefit you a jot if the relationship breaks down.

I guess if Mum didn’t jump at the chance for more quality time then it isn’t as much of an issue as it was.

Brakebackcyclebot · 20/06/2018 17:33

Not wishing to derail the thread - but on a related note - I have set up a business of my own, and it's all-consuming if you let it be. Please do be careful about how long your DP works all these hours for. He needs time away from it/off, or he'll go completely mad and lose sight of the wood for the trees. Does he really need to work 3/4 of all weekends and FT all week????

funinthesun18 · 20/06/2018 18:17

My partner has asked the kids mums if she would mind switching some days, or having them back for a few hours on the Saturday etc just so its not entirely on me but she has said no. Which I understand, as I have been a single mum myself and when my daughter's father did used to have her I relished my time.

See I don’t get this. As soon as you become a single parent, child free time is treated like a given right to some people and should never be threatened. That’s the impression I get anyway from seeing many posts on MN where one parent refuses to be flexible.
I’m not talking about when that parent is working or has other plans/commitments, but if they aren’t busy and the other parent has asked if they can alter the arrangements slightly, then I’m actually shocked that there are some parents who turn their noses up to it seeing as they are the other parent. I would rather my children be with me than someone else if their dad couldn’t have them.
You don’t stop being a parent when your children are with their other parent. To say a straight up no at being flexible just to be awkward, and not want anything interfere on your precious “child free time”, is just petty and rubbish parenting in my opinion.

It makes me wonder how they coped when they were still with the other parent and never got their child free time to the same extent they do now...

Original poster
user1473756940 · 20/06/2018 18:24

We recently got engaged so we are planning on the long haul. I also have a career of my own a pretty good one so I am and have been previously self sufficient.

I have just got home from work to find a letter from our landlady to say she is serving us notice as she is selling the house that has been our home for 3 years. So looks like we will have to continue to be working are arses off to get another roof over our heads. But that's an issue for another day. Where's the wine?

OP posts:
AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo · 20/06/2018 18:48

See I don’t get this. As soon as you become a single parent, child free time is treated like a given right to some people and should never be threatened

It’s not difficult. Parenting alone= hard, child free time= precious.

You don’t stop being a parent when your children are with their other parent.

No, you don’t stop being an adult with other interests when you have children either. People are allowed to just have free time. If the there parent booked to work when they knew they had their children that’s their problem to solve.

We recently got engaged so we are planning on the long haul

Well, I imagined you were, given that you’re living with him with your child! Wink

Lots of wine for you tonight OP. That sucks about your house. Thanks

funinthesun18 · 20/06/2018 19:13

It’s not difficult. Parenting alone= hard, child free time= precious.

Parenting is hard full stop no matter what your circumstances are. Child free time isn’t a god given right, it’s a luxury and that applies to all parents.

AhWeCanDanceIfWeWantTo · 20/06/2018 19:15

No one said it’s a god given right. Free childcare when you’re supposed to have your children isn’t a god given right either.