Bedroom allocation

[Sessy19]

Interested in opinions please.

Currently TTC. Just in process of buying a standard 3-bed in UK where we have master, a reasonable double and a slightly smaller 3rd.

SKIDs are SS11 and SD8. They are scheduled to stay fri-Sun every other WE-reality is that SS often cancels now to hang out with mates and we see him on sat only, he stays overnight every couple of months.

They share a room at BMs who is the resident parent, although there is some indication that she’s contemplating moving to a 3-bed so the kids can have their own rooms.

I want to reserve the larger (double) for new baby, set the 3rd room up as a spare with double but have a pull out bed for visitors (so SD will have spare for herself when she stays and pullout when her brother stays so he’ll have the double, or however they want to work it out).

AIBU? I think OH will expect the SKIDs to have their own rooms until baby arrives and requires own room. I don’t know that removing a room from either child once DC arrives will do much for the family dynamics...

What happens if they want or need to move in with you at a later date? Agreed it’s more damaging to put them second to an imaginary baby than having them make room for a real one if/when it arrives.

Maybe you've got the reaction because you're abbreviation for your step children is dirty stains in underwear and you want to put two prepubescent soon to be prepubescent siblings of different genders into the box room whilst you save the best room and leave it empty for potentially years to come for your baby.

Its hardly a box room if it fits a double and a single in ffs

I would go with a room each, a) you still need to get pregnant, b) then you are pregnant for 9 mths and c) they gen sleep in your room for at least a year d) they can share with DSD whatever sex they are till they are probably 3 ish by which time DSS will likely have left home and be working

Just give the kids a room each - discuss sharing issues later on if more kids appear and deal with it as an ongoing changeable thing. I was one of 6 in a 4 bed house so 6 kids 3 rooms and one a box room not even the right size for a single bed so Dad made one for it. We swapped and changed around who was sleeping where frequently depending on what people needed, who had exams, what sex the kids were and what stage in life they were at. I was off to college when No 6 was nearly 3 but came home to bunk down wherever there was free space rather in my own room/shrine etc

At 11 and 8 they'd really want their own rooms surely for privacy. I'd have been mortified sharing with my brother!!

We have 4 bedrooms 1 for us, 1 for our daughter and 2 "spares" and a sofa bed in my playroom as an extra spare room. my step kids are now 21 and 19 so don't stop over that much - only at Christmas mainly and if they do rarely at the same time but we made sure we had the right number of rooms. 2 of them are singles and smaller but they each had privacy.

I don't understand why people assume boys and girls would want to share past being little - especially in teenage years.

I understand cost comes into it but you need to consider what's going to be practical; if you're ttc now and it takes a couple of months, then the pregnancy then 6 months with you, the stepkids could be 13/14 and 10/11 which wouldn't be very fair.

YES. I HAVE SAID THEY CAN HAVE TGEIR OWN ROOMS!! Is that clear????

They share a room at their mother’s. I can’t do anything about that. She chooses to live in a 2-bed in an expensive area rather than move to a cheaper area so that they can have their own rooms. What that woman does is her business. I can’t control it. It’s been suggested, her parents have offered to buy her a bigger house but she wants to live in footballer-territory. Her call.

I'm preety sure there's a legal safeguarding requirement for boys and girls not to share after a certain age too. My friend lives in social housing and got a 3 bed when the kids were about 8 and 9 I think.

Op you immediately got people’s backs up refferinf to the dc as skids ( that reference is a term to use shit stains in someone’s pants) the use of bm instead of mum.

www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-protection-system/legal-definition-child-rights-law/bedroom-sharing-moving-out/

Looks like after the age of 10 not advised

I don’t know why some of you jump to the conclusion-completely unfounded-that all step mothers hate their step children and want them banished from their second homes

No-one did that.

@Bellabutterfly2016 We quoted the ‘recommendation’ for safeguarding and ExW isn’t interested.

The children aren’t at risk. There is no safeguarding issue at our home, nor at their mother’s. It’s unfortunate that they are sharing a room at their mother’s. Nothing I can do.

@zibbidoozibbidoozibbidoo 😂😂😂 sure.

No, really. No-one on this thread thinks all step mothers hate their step chidlren. Read the thread again. You’ve made a mistake.

No probs 👍

I see you like abbreviations to save time. SC for step children will save you even more time than SKIDS! A whole 3 letters in fact.

I did offer you what I thought was a really good suggestion. There will be loads of ways to separate the master bedroom up that allow for safeguarding if both your SC.

I know it might seem like an odd suggestion but again if you and your OH have the reasonable double, the rest of the house is yours too. It would be a great affirmation for the SC to know they could have the master, albeit shared. You'd also still have a spare until baby arrived.

Good luck @Sessy19

OP you seem on the defensive yet you've basically written demeaning words about your husbands children and are trying to accommodate for a non existent child.

It may take many years to get pregnant, then 9 months gestation, then your baby would be sleeping in parents room for another 6-12 months, your step children may be at university by then!

Let those poor kids have their own room, perhaps say when you're preparing for an arrival that at some point in the future the baby will need its own room (the smaller room would be far more sensible for its needs compared to your stepmchildren) and start including your husbands children / believe me if he's worth anything he'll put them before you every time

As you have two rooms available and 2 children so far, I would put the children in the two rooms for now. The daughter in the double and the son in the smaller as he is not there much anyway. The smallest room should be used a guest room too when the son isn’t there.

I think reserving a room for a child which hasn’t even been conceived yet just seems a bit strange and will cause more friction with the children than if you had to move one in the future. If you do have a baby then depending on what sex it is, can share with the same sex child in the bigger room.

I think you need to remember that they are all your children not just the one which you want to have in the future.

Room separators are a great suggestion, hopefully by using something like this, as necessary (in the future?), it might be nominated as a suggestion to ExW so that her bedroom situation can also be addressed, since that is a greater concern at this stage.

All bedrooms will be neutral, we’ve always been in rented as a family, as is the setup with the children’s mother. Of course the children have stuff at both homes that personalises any room, but tastes change regularly at the childrens’ ages, and they usually choose to take said stuff home to their mother’s rather than keep it in our home.

I don’t actually need to remember anything. I’m very clear that I have a responsibility as a parent to the children. But having not birthed them nor spent all their formative years raising them, so I come to a site like this for guidance. It’s not because I don’t love them, it’s because I have yet to develop the instinct that second-guesses societal or their mother’s view and protects them from adverse reactions from either.

OP, you've never been a step child. Please set up a room for them not just a spare room.

Hmm personally I think the child that is there full time should have the bigger room.

The step children are only there eow so presumably their home is with their mother and their dads house is somewhere they just stay occasionally, it doesn't t need to be a second home, my stepchildren are here a lot so I've made our home their second home with their own rooms a d wardrobes but if they were only here that little then pullout beds would be fine imo.

Hmm personally I think the child that is there full time should have the bigger room

There is no child. The OP isn’t even pregnant.

There are two step children of different sexes. Of course they should be crammed into the smaller room.

I know it seems like I logical thing as DSS won’t be visiting much however I would strongly recommend giving the step children their own rooms:

From personal experience the lack of room often leads to a lack of belonging in that home - and can cause lots of friction in the relationship between step family. I spent two years on sofa at step mum / dad and I never managed to form a relationship with ‘step mum’ or ever feel welcome in that ‘home’.

I wouldn’t risk that, especially as 3rd child isn’t here yet.

@needyourlovingtouch. What makes you think that?

I have an amazing stepmother with whom I am incredibly close. I adore my own father. I have three brothers who have a different mother. I have NEVER had a bedroom of my own at either parents’. No room.

Yes, there is no child. I am not a mother. I am asking for advice. And getting some back. Thank you.

I agree that the DC who lives there full time should have the biggest room but you're not even actually pregnant yet. It would be better to give them a room each and then if / when you have a baby who's approaching the age where you want to put them in their own room, then look at rearranging things. As others have said it may be years before your baby needs it's own room.

Hi, (firstly i dont know all the shorthand so i wont even try!) I think I may be able to shed some future light on this situ, so until 4 months ago we only had my partners children 2 boys 11 and 14 and 1 girl staying every other weekend boys in large double, girl In v.small double... same as you at least one will cancel for friends plans so actually number of staying over nights can be 2 a month sometimes. (I totally understand the spare reference as that's what it basically is I'm sorry) now we had a little boy 4 months ago and turned the small room into a nursery and out little one and his daughter share however due to the size we had to have a jay b foldable bed for her as it seems pointless having no floor space permanently for sometimes 2 nights a month. We are moving house into a slightly larger 3 bed and I have already said our son and his daughter will be sharing the larger room and the smaller room will have bunk beds for the boys. Babies have a lot of stuff and require room if you have it... as it's hid full time house I feel he should have a big enough space. Rightly or wrongly I would not let our second biggest room go empty 80% of the time while he's squashed in a room to small. Good luck with whatever you decide!