Bedroom allocation

[Sessy19]

Interested in opinions please.

Currently TTC. Just in process of buying a standard 3-bed in UK where we have master, a reasonable double and a slightly smaller 3rd.

SKIDs are SS11 and SD8. They are scheduled to stay fri-Sun every other WE-reality is that SS often cancels now to hang out with mates and we see him on sat only, he stays overnight every couple of months.

They share a room at BMs who is the resident parent, although there is some indication that she’s contemplating moving to a 3-bed so the kids can have their own rooms.

I want to reserve the larger (double) for new baby, set the 3rd room up as a spare with double but have a pull out bed for visitors (so SD will have spare for herself when she stays and pullout when her brother stays so he’ll have the double, or however they want to work it out).

AIBU? I think OH will expect the SKIDs to have their own rooms until baby arrives and requires own room. I don’t know that removing a room from either child once DC arrives will do much for the family dynamics...

[NeverTwerkNaked]

I think OH will expect the SKIDs to have their own rooms until baby arrives and requires own room.

There’s your answer. He wants to treat them kindly, you should do the same. It’s their home too. We are stretching our budget to the max because we feel each child deserves their own room if we can possibly afford it; and I wouldn’t have a child I couldn’t accommodate fairly. You’ve chosen to take on a relationship with children included, so let their dad help them feel welcomed and respected

[MargaretCavendish]

Also, while I sort of see your logic for 'saving' a room for your (non-existent as of now - and I'm sorry but it's always an 'if' not a 'when' they arrive) baby - how on earth have you concluded that one baby should get a bigger room than two pre-teens?

[heateallthebuns]

I agree with whoever said to talk to them about it. I would do separate room each but explain if you ever have a baby it will share with the same sex ss so they know to expect that down the line. That way you wouldn't have to go to neutral with your decor either.

[ohreallyohreallyoh]

I’m fine with SKIDs-my auto correct knows it

Oh, that’s OK then. Don’t worry about offending people, will you?!

[SleepingStandingUp]

So you're moving into a 3 bed and intend to keep the largest room under lick and key for at minimum the next 15 months whilst shoving the two tweens in the box room?? Can't imagine why DH isn't thrilled...

I'd say they pick - both share big room forever, or one takes the box room and the other gets the biggest but will have to share when baby is 6 months old.

Also is there a huge difference between where you live to their mum? He's 11, his Dad should be doing everything to keep their relationship on track not just accept seeing him for a few hours a month imo

[Strawberry2017]

Is the loft convertible?
Could make an extra room for one of the SC?

[upsideup]

SC have a room each for now.
Its going to be at least a year untill DC3 is here, are you not planning for the baby to sleep in your room when their first born?
When DC3 is born and needs their own room, they have the smallest room because they are a baby, a preeteen and teenager if made to share need the bigger room. Though personally as SS will be 12-13 and SD will be 9-10 I wouldnt want them to share, they are only both with you every few months so depending on sex of DC3, they could share with the the SC of the same sex or if DC3 is too young to share (under 3 maybe) they could just sleep with you for that 1 weekend every few months.
In 5 years you will have a 17 year old ss and a 13 year old sd so very likely they wont be comming to see their dad ever if they have to share, one of your main jobs as a step mum is to help facilitate their relationship with their father.

[pinkhorse]

You aren't even pregnant. You don't need to worry about which room your future baby will have just yet. Give them a room each. It would be mean not to.

[NeverTwerkNaked]

“one of your main jobs as a step mum is to help facilitate their relationship with their father”

I totally agree with this. And don’t think people should become step parents if they aren’t prepared to do this.

My 11 year old DSD will be getting the largest room, and my preschool DD the smallest room, when we move house, because at 11 DSD will need her own space the most.

[SleepingStandingUp]

I also think DH should have thought about adequately housing all his kids before he has more. It's morbid but anything could happen tomorrow and you'd have two kids with you full time plus any future children of your own.
It sounds like you're going to dissuade them from sleeping over tbh

[LemonysSnicket]

You do see that SKiDS looks like you're calling your SC, skid marks ... right? That is what that abbv means ...

[Spanglyprincess1]

Are you funding the house as that's what it reads like?
I'm in same boat eg partner due to income can't afford a house but I can. I'm not willing to compromise on schooling for our baby so it's smaller houses.
Can u split the big double room into two singles? Then you and spouse get next biggest room and then smallest for baby if /when it comes. Thats what we are looking to do as 4 beds are rare in our area. But if your not already pregnant and having a baby yet then they could have seprate rooms and you discuss the options if needed.
After age 12/13 genders cannot share a room so you do need to plan for this longer term.

[FinallyHere]

Goodness, the thought of how DSS and DSD would feel, tip toeing past the empty big room, whispering its reserved for the baby that is to come...and cramming themselves into the smallest room in the house.

Are you sure that you want to have a baby with their father? Just askin'

[Dancingmonkey87]

SKIDS and BM are not appropriate terms. It’s DSD/DSS and Mum

This ^ disgusting use of words there was a Sm on here who referred to her step daughter as skids because she thought it was funny how she hadn’t wiped her bum rightly.

You’re not even pregnant and looking at pushing your dh kids out. Maybe the lad is sensing your feelings towards him.

[TacoLover]

Why on earth would a baby get a double room anyway
OP you are being ridiculous to try and reserve a room for a baby that might take years to conceive.

[takeittakeit]

You lost me at Skids and BM - big room for non existent baby and small room as a spare room with a pullout - you give decent SMs a bad name - seriously read your post. You come across a complete ........

[LOL7]

Give them a room each ffs. Your baby does not exist, you are being selfish and pretty ridiculous.

[Strigiformes]

Hi op, so you have two steps kids and two spare bedrooms. I would give the largest room to your dss and the smaller to your dsd. If you have a baby you can discuss the room situation then. There's no point in saving a room for a hypothetical child. Even if you manage to get pregnant straight away you've got nine months before he/she arrives and then you can keep them in your bedroom until at least 1 years old.

[SciFiFan2015]

Split the master into 2 somehow (perhaps not even permanently) with good use of furniture and soft furnishings. You and OH have the reasonable double. Smallest room is the spare until baby arrives, when it will become the baby's room. Once baby arrives just make sure you have a sofa bed in the living room and that can be the "spare" for guests.
Baby only needs a small room as the hole house is will be their home, all the time.
@Sessy19 Did you realise that your short hand for the step children is also a crude term for dirty pants? 🤢

[egginacup]

Room each until your baby arrives is the obvious solution. Can’t understand why you’d contemplate anything else really. Then the baby could have the biggest room with a pull out bed or futon in there, and when SD and SS stay the baby comes in with you and one of them has baby’s room.

[SciFiFan2015]

*whole house FGS. Why did that autocorrect??? Grrr.

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I’d give them their own room. I’d feel a bit sad squashed in with my sibling in a smaller room when the bigger was on reserve. I’m a SM.

I do think it sends a strong welcome signal if you show so obviously that your partner’s kids are welcome. Especially if you are thinking of having a baby, it’s important that this isn’t seen in a heirarchy. And you do have the space. It’s adjustable in years to come.

We had the baby in our bedroom for the first couple of years just in order for my DSDs to each have their own bedroom, they were every weekend and then dropped off to no weekends. We still kept their bedrooms for them for a while!

[Skyejuly]

They may not be biologically yours but they ARE your partner's and they mean as much to him as a child with you would.

[Sessy19]

Thanks all for the useful suggestions. SMS do have a particularly difficult time on MumsNet, and those who instantly jumped to the conclusion that I hate my stepchildren...I’ll put that down to your own issues rather than mine.

My dad nursed my mother through a hideous regime of chemotherapy, then significant mental health problems. And then she repaid him by moving in with his business partner and best friend, destroying his business and taking all his money so that he could only actually afford a one-bed house. I slept on the sofa because I wanted to stay over with my beloved father, he slept in the floor so that my paraplegic brother could have the comfort of his bed when we spent the weekends together. Is he STILL a shit father? Your call. I have never made that assessment. He may have done things very differently to you, but I’m at peace with it. I adore him. I’d rather you kept your judges comments about that to yourself, it hurt my feelings.

I’m absolutely fine with the children staying when they’d like to. I have suggested that my OH come up with a more robust mechanism to facilitate a relationship with his son, but he is not interested in enforcing contact if his son wants to see his friends etc. 11yo is a tricky time, he’s in his first year of secondary school so he is avidly making friends etc, my OH recognises this and will take him out for dinner during the week if contact is fading. We live 2hrs drive from SS. It’s a fine balance. SS has also been subject to his own mother’s mental health problems and she usually phoned SS crying if he stays over, telling him that she misses him. This lays a lot of guilt on SS. Words have been had with ExW, but the friction it causes is just as bad, and that is just part of our tapestry. It’s tragic but we try to keep everything at our home low stress. Small things can tip the balance. That’s not a subject I asked advice on from this post.

I don’t have a problem with the children having their own rooms when we move in to the new home. I just wondered if there would be as much of an impact when eventually a room has to be reallocated in the future. One of the existing children has something as significant as their very own bedroom removed from them...?

I don’t know why some of you jump to the conclusion-completely unfounded-that all step mothers hate their step children and want them banished from their second homes. It’s a rather toxic stand point to come from. I just disregard EVERY point you make if you start being bitchy...why would I want to read that? Foul. And boring. And terribly old fashioned...’wicked stepmother’ spin is so tiring.

Thank you to those of you with the intellect to maintain some neutrality and/or practicality in your replies.

[Sessy19]

PS. I don’t actually call my stepchildren ‘SKID’...you get that, right? Don’t waste your energy correcting my abbreviations, I abbreviate to save time...not to offend my partner’s children. Ffs