Dsd not talking to me....

[witsend12]

Since I picked her up yesterday.

Same routine every other Friday. I drop my dcs off with their dad then pick her up on my way home as the distance and travel is quite far and it's the only way it works. I don't mind doing it at all.

I tried speaking to her in the car yesterday. Got no response. It was a longggg 40 min journey to our house. Tbf, she didn't want to come at all. She was out with her friends. I rang her when I was 5 minutes away and I could tell she didn't want to come. But she lives 40 mins from us. If she doesn't come on a Friday, she can't come at all as the logistics of travelling just don't work. Her mum refuses to help out with pick ups and drop offs so we do it all.

This morning I've said 'morning xxxxxxx' got ignored. I've asked if she's ok and for 'mmm hmm' that's all.

She's 13. I've not done anything wrong that I can think of to piss her off.

She's absolutely fine and loving towards her dad (my dh).

I'm not saying anything today as we have a lovely day planned.

I will continue to speak nicely and normally to her and I'll mention something tomorrow night when she's gone if it doesn't improve.

She definitely has a problem with me though. I'm just sat here on the sofa writing this and she's just walked in the room, sighed (loudly) because I'm sat here and walked away. Clearly she wants to watch tv or something which is fine. But she just literally gave me a look of disgust.

I don't know if I can cope with this all weekend :-( I've done nothing wrong.

Hopefully dh will pick up on it. We've had a few crappy weekends due to one thing and another lately so I'm really not going to say anything just yet. I have family who I haven't seen for 2 years coming for tea tonight and I don't want any atmosphere.

I do remember what it's like to be 13 also. And she's over sensitive anyway. But I really do a lot for her and don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm also 30 weeks pregnant so....yeah I don't need this if I'm honest.

Step parenting is really hard :-/

I'd just ignore her mostly. Once you try talking in.tne car...if she doesn't engage, put some music on. Teenagers aren't the best conversationists.

If she sighs heavily...ask what the matter is "Oh...are you okay xxx, just that you've given me a dirty look ?" That's basic rudeness and you don't it shouldn't have to tolerate it.

What does her dad say about it? Her behaviour should be challenged by him.

Being a parent of teenagers is crap! Just take a look at the teenage thread and you'll see that teenagers treat their parents just the same. Of course it's not personal but it's hard not to take it as such. She's lovely with your OH because she adores him and he can do no wrong of course!

My DD is turning 18 and she is starting to show appreciation for all the things I've done for her that she was totally taking for granted at 13, that's when she wasn't moaning because I wasn't doing more.

It is even worse when it's not your kid and really her dad should be doing the travelling rather than you, especially at 30 weeks pregnant.

If she only lives 40 mins away I'm not sure why logistically your DP can't pick her up early Sat morning if she is with friends on a Friday evening?
Also OP I would take a step back and let your DP do things with her. You are child free, enjoy the time you have! She needs to have time with her dad anyway, especially as the birth is approaching.

There's going to comes time fairly soon when the baby's here that you won't be able to, or won't want to, do all this travelling. And I expect she would rather be at home and going out with her mates, than spending time with you. That's normal

Don’t wait for your DH to pick up on it, ask him to address it.

OP says she drops her dcs at the same time than she picks up her dsd. Does this mean that you oh does the same on Sunday evenings?

I would let her get a bus on a Saturday.

It sounds like she’s frustrated with not being able to socialise with her friends and being 40mins away from them. Does she get one to one time with him? Does she have a relationship with your dc? Is she happy about the baby?

Also, my DSDs stopped coming to stay as often when they became teenagers and wanted to be out with their friends. We now just keep in contact regularly and if they want to come, they say so and we go and get them, but don’t force it iyswim? Hard couple of years where we very rarely saw them and it felt a bit like they only contacted us when they wanted something (birthday, Christmas, new fancy stuff that maintenance wouldn’t cover like £100 trainers) but in actual fact I think it’s worked because they don’t resent us and they do come more regularly now.

Stop picking her up

I’d be expecting my husband to deal with this?

I’ll be damned if someone was going to treat me like that ever and more so in my own home!

I know these things are complicated but I’d just leave them to it and expect an apology

She can hate you but god make her respect you

I would speak to DH and ask him to have words. Preferably together with you. This divide and conquer tactic she is attempting needs to be stopped. I would make it clear you have noticed and its unacceptable and what's the reason. If its that she wants to see her friend on Friday then maybe try and find a solution. 40 minutes doesn't seem much to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should appease her or bow down to her. But give her a chance to explain herself and if she can't then she needs to realise you won't tolerate her bad behaviour.

As far as the drop offs go - which really isn't the issue here, we've had the same arrangement for the last 2 years - my dcs travel to see their dad wbeey other weekend. They travel 2.5 hours. I meet him at a service station.

On the way back, I pick up dsd as it's on the way. I could travel all the way home then dh could go back and pick her up but that costs a hell of a lot on fuel. So this is how it works every other Friday and for us it works.

She is more than welcome to come on a Saturday as long as her mother is prepared to meet half way. We usually have plans on a Saturday that always involve dsd but if she doesn't want to come, we don't change our plans as dsd would rather spend Friday night with her mates.

If she doesn't want to come - which sometimes she doesn't and that's fine - then she needs to make her own way to us on a Saturday. She knows he arrangements. However she was adamant she did want to come yesterday. We ask her to let us know by Friday afternoon if she doesn't want to come.

We can't be much fairer.

As for dropping her off on a Sunday. Dh does that. I go collect my dcs. Come home, let my dcs and dsd have some time together then dsd goes home - dh takes her.

Some may criticise this but it works for us and it's not changing as far as collecting/drop offs go.

She might not want to be there, but tough she’s 13 and she is.

Her dad needs to pull her up on this behaviour - it’s rude. The sooner he nips it in the bud the better. Manners and common courtesy don’t cost anything.

What plans does your dh have on the Saturday that he can’t change? Does he spend any quality time on his own with his dd? It seems she has to fall in line with what your plans are which might be why she’s so resentful.

Also who moved away?

Her mum moved away from us 2 years ago. This is a whole other topic though and not what this is about. It's about her current attitude towards me which has been noticed by dh this morning and she has been told.

Dsd and her mum make regular plans on the weekends she supposed to be with us which is why we no longer agree to let dsd come at a different time. She comes and on Friday and goes on a Sunday and that's that.

If she has a friends birthday or something, we will always try and accommodate that. Or special occasions.

But the amount of times we have changed our plans due to dsd changing her mind and deciding she would prefer to go out with her mum instead is unreal.

To the point that my own daughter had to miss a party once in order to go and collect dsd.

We have had to put our foot down with it all.

And surprisingly, all we got from Mumsnet when I posted about that was support lol.

Now I'm getting told we are too harsh and dsd should be collected whenever she wants? Even though her mum moved away and refuses to help?

Can't win on here honestly.

But anyway dh noticed her attitude towards me this morning and it's been dealt with now.

To the point that my own daughter had to miss a party once in order to go and collect dsd

That’s really unfair.

It sounds like the perfect storm to me - she's 13 and at a very awkward age, feeling like she is missing out on spending time with her friends, and you are just about to have a baby with her dad. It's no excuse at all for her rudeness (and I'm glad your DH has dealt with that) but I remember being this age and dealing with a newly blended family, and while I would never have put a toe out of line (it was just not my character) I remember feeling quite wobbly and angry sometimes for no reason. Just something to consider. You sound like a fab step-mum by the way!

I think the issue at that age is not so much that they want to be with their friends, but that they are convinced that their all social network will fall apart if they fail to attend a particular get together. They will talk about it the following week, they will feel excluded, they will make fun of her when she'll make comments and she doesn't know what she's talking about. That sort of things.

Even the most confident kids do get social anxiety to that regards around that age. We have to remember how we felt when our parents grounded us when we were supposed to go a party when gossip went that the hot boy was going to ask us out. I think the parents certainly got the silent treatment too. I just think that our parents didn't care half as much as we do now!

OP, could it be that she feels that you're the one pushing for the more rigid arrangement rather than her father and that's why you're getting the hard treatment?

When my kids turned that age, I was relieved that my OH was happy around a flexible arrangement so that they didn't miss out of social events. However, he never had to do pick up/drop off and they were able to go there on the bus/train. He also made it clear to them, and I supported this fully, that they needed to let him or their SM know days in advance if they were not going/coming later etc...

You didn’t say what your dh does on a Saturday that is unavoidable? You also didn’t say if you’re dh does anything with his dh separately if he doesn’t then it’s no surprise it will breed resentment

She 13. It will pass. Deep breaths and

Why do you have it set up so your children are away when SD is there? Would it not be nicer for her if there were other children there to play with?

I don’t think I could find it in myself to even raise an eyebrow at a 13 year old doling out the silent treatment. It’s what they do. I wouldn’t take it under my notice and just carry on bright and breezy as if it wasn’t happening. I wouldn’t be going out of my way to find out what was going on. Ignore it. If she doesn’t get the attention she clearly wants for it she’ll give up.

Would it not be nicer for her if there were other children there to play with?

Do you know any 13 year olds, Keep?!