Dsd not talking to me....

[witsend12]

Since I picked her up yesterday.

Same routine every other Friday. I drop my dcs off with their dad then pick her up on my way home as the distance and travel is quite far and it's the only way it works. I don't mind doing it at all.

I tried speaking to her in the car yesterday. Got no response. It was a longggg 40 min journey to our house. Tbf, she didn't want to come at all. She was out with her friends. I rang her when I was 5 minutes away and I could tell she didn't want to come. But she lives 40 mins from us. If she doesn't come on a Friday, she can't come at all as the logistics of travelling just don't work. Her mum refuses to help out with pick ups and drop offs so we do it all.

This morning I've said 'morning xxxxxxx' got ignored. I've asked if she's ok and for 'mmm hmm' that's all.

She's 13. I've not done anything wrong that I can think of to piss her off.

She's absolutely fine and loving towards her dad (my dh).

I'm not saying anything today as we have a lovely day planned.

I will continue to speak nicely and normally to her and I'll mention something tomorrow night when she's gone if it doesn't improve.

She definitely has a problem with me though. I'm just sat here on the sofa writing this and she's just walked in the room, sighed (loudly) because I'm sat here and walked away. Clearly she wants to watch tv or something which is fine. But she just literally gave me a look of disgust.

I don't know if I can cope with this all weekend :-( I've done nothing wrong.

Hopefully dh will pick up on it. We've had a few crappy weekends due to one thing and another lately so I'm really not going to say anything just yet. I have family who I haven't seen for 2 years coming for tea tonight and I don't want any atmosphere.

I do remember what it's like to be 13 also. And she's over sensitive anyway. But I really do a lot for her and don't deserve to be treated like this. I'm also 30 weeks pregnant so....yeah I don't need this if I'm honest.

Step parenting is really hard :-/

There's probably a combination of things at play here. She's a stroppy teenager with all that entails, she is also semi independent due to her age, you are pregnant with another child by her DF. All of these things are probably unsettling her. You don't deserve to be treated badly, however, she's a child and probably a very insecure one too. I think this is for your husband to deal with either around the time she's leaving at the weekend or when she's back home at her DM's.

I think he needs to speak not only to his DD but her DM. He needs to put his foot down and explain that a certain minimum standard of behaviour is expected from her irrespective of how she is feeling. Before that conversation takes place, he needs to have a heart to heart with her to find out what's wrong and why she's upset. It could be jealousy to do with the new baby. It could be resentfulness about having to go to her DD EOW which is disruptive to her personal and social life. I know as a teenager, the last place I wanted to be is stuck at home with family when I could be out with my friends or have them around to play. I think you may have to find a balance with this and possibly arrange (if it's safe and convenient for her to do so) for her to make her way over by bus/train on the Saturday so she gets to spend at least one evening at home or with her friends. She's at an age now where really she should have some say in how she spends her weekends.

It sounds like she is being given plenty of options on when to come.

It's probably a combination of normal 13 year old attitude and the pregnancy. Testing boundaries is normal. She needs to know her role/place in the new family structure.

Your DH has spoken with her. You can all get on with your day.

You kept your cool which is admiral. He dealt with the attitude promptly. It sounds to me like you all work well together.

Most 13 year olds are self absorbed. I certainly was.

Hopefully her mood improves and you have a great weekend.

So she either misses out on her friends or has to make a long journey on her own because dad won't then fetch her. If she doesn't like the plans made for the day you go anyway? Add to that, her dad is having another baby for whom he will obviously do a lot more.

Mmm I wonder why she's acting up a little. It sounds like none of the adults out her first, she's just expected to fit in and not cost any more in petrol.

This is such a non story - a 13 yr old gave an adult who cares for them and is part of their family the silent treatment.

This has nothing to do with step families - but everything to do with normal teenage behaviour.

The aggression to put her in her place, how dare she disrespect etc etc is just out of control.

Namey, I had 2 13 year olds last year, who were both much happier if they had other siblings around rather than just adults. That's why I was asking .

She comes every other Sunday also. She sees my dcs on that day. Honestly, some on this thread are saying what time does she get with just her df? She gets every other weekend. Then others are saying why aren't my dcs there? She sees them every other Sunday and part of the Sunday I collect my dcs. I have to consider what my dcs dad can do and this is the way it works and it works well.

@BoxsetsAndPopcorn What are we supposed to do? Make no plans for our weekends because dsd cant decide wether she wants to play with her friends or not? If dh can collect her on a Saturday, he always will do but it's not always possible. All we ask is she lets us know on a Friday afternoon wether she can come or not. If she doesn't, dh will say he understands. We always let her know what we are doing the following weekend. We always try and do fun stuff with her to purposely make sure she's not bored. But we aren't having her control us that's for sure. And if her mum plans something with her on dhs weekend then she has to drop her off. She never does and refuses to unless she gets more maintenance (even though was the one that moved away!) Dh pays her a good amount each week anyway.

None of the drop offs etc are even the point. The point is the way she has been with me. To which she has now moved on to treating her dad the same way and has done all day. I totally understand it's just stroppy teenage behaviour. I remember being the same. It's just very hard when it's aimed at you but the child isn't yours so you can't react the way you would if it was your own. Patience is everything. I'm glad dh noticed it and dealt with it. That's all I was hoping for. I didn't want to be the one who mentioned it.

Thanks for the helpful comments.

Giving someone the silent treatment is a form of passive aggressive emotional abuse. It’s manipulative behaviour. Your OH needs the nip it in the bud before she becomes an unpleasant adult. Doesn’t matter if she’s a teenage girl - it’s unacceptable.

@NorthernSpirit thank you, and he has to be fair.
I'm going to bed in a min, had such a busy day cooking for my family etc. Will see what tomorrow brings

My SDC (16, 13) often ignore me, my husband never noticed. Now I ignore then childish I know.

Keep saying that 13 year olds 'play' with their friends stuck me as rather odd. I was really snarky about it, though - I apologise.

Tbf, my dcs are much younger. Sometimes she gets along great with them. Other times she doesn't. She's older and isn't into the games that they still want to play. It is nice for them to all be together but I can't say it makes a difference if my dcs are there or not. But it's not like they never see each other and I'd say they have a pretty good relationship. She won't ever moan about my dcs

Northern - your bias against anything to do with EXw and step children really never stops and your posts are getting more anti.

Yes the silent treatment is not nice and every teenager in the world has done it at some point in their lives - hell the daughter has done it to her father aswell - this was not a step thing - it is normal behaviour of a developing adult. One episode of the silent treatment and she is going to be an awful adult - uneblievable extrapolation of events.

To label normal teenage behaviour as emotional abuse is just ridiculous. This is a semi child, learning emotions and stuck between two adults, her parents who are not exactly putting her needs properly into the equation.

I agree with those who say - change in home circumstances, SM who picks up etc ( not criticising OP) but not her Dad, a mum who will not help her get there and a new baby sibling on the way - no wonder she wants and needs her friends - her life is in turmoil.

I had this from two of my DSDs and I let it go, and it didn’t help one bit.

Not wanting to have a conversation is one thing, she’s 13, fair enough. Totally ignoring you, especially as you are doing her a favour, is treating you as if you are less than human.

I have a teenage son and he can grunt etc but it’s totally different to the ignoring my DSDs showed me. Don’t ignore the toll it takes on you, it can be awful. Can you imagine years of this? I had two years of it and it was only when I realised it was really getting to my son too that I saw what a big deal it was. It had become a horrible atmosphere in the home you could cut the air it was so thick with resentment!

If I were you I’d tackle it. Facing it head on is the only way to wake up DSD and your DP to this. It’ll be tough, awkward. It’s worth asking your DP to have a chat with her first, to see if there is anything you’ve done that she feels annoyed about. Whether you think it’s justified or not, it’s important her views are heard.

It’s just as important that you are at least acknowledged! I’d even be vulnerable to her, say that you don’t expect conversation, or being friends, you know it’s hard for her. Tell her you’ll give her space. Tell her you understand it must be a bit crap ferried away from arrangements With friends etc. But it’s not your fault! But you do need a hello, a very brief how was your day / the weather.

Even if she doesn’t feel like it. Because you are human and have a heart! Say how would she feel if a friend from school picked her up but she just ignored her? Listen as well as talk. Like really listen. But get communicating your needs to not be ignored too.

@takeittakeit - tell me where in my post I have said anything about the EW?! I don’t distinguish between stepchildren or other children either.

Giving someone the silent treatment is passive aggressive. Don’t care who gives it, it’s wrong. The girl needs to learn some boundaries and manners. Maybe in your household you are willing to put up with it @takeittakeit. I’m not, it’s rude.

www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment/

Northern - virtually all your posts cite awful EW, SDCs being difficult.

On this thread it is aggression - one episode, dealt with by her Dad within hours of it being picked up - is dealing with it.

What is not needed is your totally OTT suggestion, how she is going to be a bad adult. Either that or you think court is the answer to all issues. You are so aggressive and anti the Ex and SDC on mumsnet. Like in the real world there are nice SMs and nice ExWs - would be nice if once you acknowledged not everyone needs to just be taken to court and "your" standards applied.

OP is not doing the SDC a favour by picking her up, she is doing her father a favour and the child will get the difference. Convenient today to pick me up because of xyz but not convenient for her DF to do it. speaks volumes to a child.

One episode of silent treatment does not justify your response - it gets dealt with in a civil, humourous manner in my house - cat got your tongue, if you can not answer then it is OK if I eat your chocolate, take oyur clothes to charity etc- soon gets a response in my house and the situation does not require all out thermonuclear war which appears to be your approach

by the way that includes my SDCs who are teens!

Nothern, I would love to come and live in your household. No one ever shouts, no one ever goes silent, everyone is nice and kind and respectful. No surprise you would find any other household so disruptive! Maybe you and your OH are doing something we should all learn from, but the reality is that most households are not as perfect as yours. Members of the family get upset, frustrated, annoyed, disappointed, and sometimes, these are expressed in not the most appropriate ways all around and it's ok. We shout, we cry, we give the silent treatment, and then we talk and we make up and we say I love you.

My OH gives me the silent treatment. I give him the shouting treatment. I need to let things out, he needs to bottle them in. We accept that we are not perfect and that we are our ways to deal with our negative feelings and respect that because we love each other. I do the same with my kids. I do get the silent treatment from my son sometimes. When he does, I let him be as I know it's his way to cope with disappointment or sadness and let him get on with it is respecting his ways to deal with it.

Not everything people do around us evolves around us. We have to learn to not make everything personal and expect people to act the way it suits us. That includes teenagers, especially.

To be honest Northern you are extremely negative about your step children and exw in your responses to other posters threads that as swing said normal family units have their ups and downs. I think you are clearly struggling being a step mother but the step children also behave in typical children fashion some shout, cry and don’t say a lot. Teenagers especially are hardwork.

Op- was not criticising your pick up routine - just pointing out to a child, you are not her father and you are the one putting yourself out -not him.

Her mother will not help and her father leaves it to you.

You had a moan -it got dealt with - excellent without the need to resort to court,!!