Anyone have a Step Dad or Mum? Was it different to your experience as a step parent?

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

Just wondered really! How did your experience of your own parents and step parents affect how you step parent?

I had a very overbearing Step Dad who ruled our household, and we suddenly all had to follow his rules and move town. His mother was around every dinner time, and his friends and family visited a lot. They were very academic and competitive, and different from me and my brother. So I hated it! I was very put out. My Mum expected us to drop our own style and take on theirs. We were very polite kids so we found it oppressive. My step dad also wanted to be best friends with me from the start, expecting long chats etc, I was 10!

I rebelled and stood up for my own values, but it was a tough few years! However, they were kind at heart really, just very bossy and needed standing up to. So when I found a good compromise I became very fond of my step Dad and him me, and he’s given me a lot of interesting perspectives in life that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.

As a step Mum myself I was very wary of being too bossy and my rules only, as a result. And yet I think I ended up being way too subservient to their way of doing things. I moved into their house and asked for almost no changes at all. Wrong! There has to be a meeting in the middle I think!

I also had a step Mum, who did not live with me. I saw my Dad every few weeks. She was younger, and very best matey with me. At first I had no problems at all, she seemed nice. She was nice. However I was too young to realise that her treating me like a friend, was also her not acknowledging that I was a child who needed a parent. My Dad. Over the years she had her own children but for her we did not exist as their siblings. We were far away.

My Dad used to indulge us so a Disney parent, but had no idea about our needs and normal lives. Over the years he has almost lost touch with us completely, yet sees his second family all the time. I used to try quite hard with my step Mum, and half siblings, sending presents, visiting, babysitting. And then realised it had all been totally one way for years so I stopped.

So I learned from that it isn’t worth continuing to pursue a relationship of it’s not there. I don’t have animosity for my step Mum, at least my Dad has a partner in his older age. Although I do feel my Dad should have made sure we were all treated equally.

What about your experiences?

My experience of being a step child has ensured that I will never in any circumstances be a step parent. If dh left I'd never have a man move in. I spent my whole childhood comprising everything and I don't have the tolerance as an adult.

While single in the past I never once looked at anyone with a child.

Really interesting @Bananasinpyjamas11 ... I am just wondering if you wished you stood your ground more now? Following on how your step dad was?

I have read a few of your posts / threads and it breaks my heart to learn that you are leaving your DP because of the situation with your DSC. I wish I could give you a virtual hug 🤗 I still can understand how or why your DP would accept the break up without a fight ... sorry I know completely wrong thread to post this on.

Back to the question at hand ... I have an older step sister... my relationship with her is strained at the best of times. She has three DSC. She puts her own child first and I feel at times treats the DSC completely different and it is noticeable unfair.

Love my step dad, he is ace.

My step mum is vile, my dad has moved on and has his new family with her, no longer bothers with me and my two sisters or his grandkids. He's met my dd (10) 4x. I've tried and tried. He just doesnt want to know. His wife was just an absolute bully to me throughout my childhood.

I love my DSS And DSD to absolute bits, i never want them to feel like I did growing up so I cherish them and my DD worships her DSB they are the same age.

My DD has a brilliant stepmum too xx

I have a step dad and step mum, love my step dad to bits, I see him as my second dad. My step mum is ok, don't love her and she never had an input into my upbringing, but probably because I never lived with her. She tried to be like a second mum and best pal in one, slightly weird and overshared.

I also have step kids and we get on ok, I treat them like my nieces and nephews, discipline when needed and someone to talk to. I try to avoid being like my step mum and more lile my step dad 😁

@lunar that sounds like quite a traumatic experience for you in the past.

@moodance thank you for being very kind! I do think my DP is regretting our break up, however he’s not recognised why and I think he’s tangled himself in a knot he can’t get out of. To acknowledge that his first family have put a huge wedge between us, that he won’t stand up to protect us, would be to admit that his daughters and EW are not perfect. So it’s easier to think that I need to change.

Yet it doesn’t matter what I do, like you said I’ve been the accommodating, compromising SM at the start and all it did was make me the outsider and second best. I do wish I’d stood up for myself in the beginning. I did eventually and all hell broke loose!

Sorry about your step sister. Did you live with each other? I have a step sister too and we get on but only if it’s occasional. She wanted to be close but she’s crazy! I’d end up arguing with her.

@lastname your Dad has distanced himself too? And your SM bullied you? Only seeing your son 4 times is very sad. It sounds like you’ve totally turned that around and your step children are lucky to have you.

@chew that sounds like it is a reasonable and honest account of both having step parents and being one. Your modelling your step Dad seems to have worked!

Not a SM myself and would prefer not to be, have generally avoided dating men with children (though I guess I wouldn't have ruled it out if I really fell for someone)

I didn't have one long term SP, so in my teens when my parents dated, I appreciated people who didn't try to be a parent and who gave me time with my parents away from them as well as with them. I got on with pretty much all their chosen partners.

When I was younger (4-9 ish) I guess my SM and SD must have done a bit more parenting type behaviours as they lived with my respective parents. SM was stricter than both DPs and I did resent her telling me off for doing things that they weren't bothered about (sitting too close to TV, using my knife and fork in the wrong hand, biting my nails etc) but I loved them both.

I think I would tend to tread carefully and be more hands off rather than hands on. It really raises my hackles when friends have complained about partners "spending too much time with their children" or when they want SC to follow different ("better") rules in their house because "resident parent let's them get away with too much at home" It's bloody hard being a single parent! (Equally I know that doesn't exempt you from criticism!)

I'd be genuinely interested to know if anyone in this situation feels more sympathy for their own SP after seeing it from the other side

I had a very positive relationship with my step dad. It was a very odd relationship because my mum and him divorced when I was 7 but they resumed the relationship until I was 16. I don't call him dad but he has a much bigger place in my heart than my real father ever would.
I treasure our relationship as he would give me a Saturday job in whatever kitchen he worked at. We would meet for coffee and we shared a love of music. He took me to my first concert and it was amazing.
On the other hand he was a thief and a liar and he treated my mum appallingly. So whilst I protect her it doesn't diminish my love of him. It's very odd.

How it affected me as a sp was enormous. I was really upset I didn't feel the same way about the sc as I felt he had about me. But we've all faced a very tough year together and it has brought us all closer together as a family.
I am beginning to recognise a real love for my sc, something I never thought I would say. I work hard to give them the best life and I put them first above all.
I hope one day my dsd feels the same way I do about my step dad and that I gave her the love and upbringing she deserves.
I'm not sure my dss knows who I am but we have as good a relationship as can be expected.

I have the most darling step mother a girl could ever wish for. She has three sons with my dad and always introduces me as her daughter (with my permission!) and has always cared for everything for me. I am a self professed daddy’s girl but there has never been any rivalry between my second mum and I. I know that she wants the best for me and that she wants the best for my dad too. My relationship with my narcissistic mother is poor and my step mum is a welcome additional parent figure.

We are NOTHING alike in our step parenting careers.

My step children have no interest in me. And whilst I care for their wellbeing, and am happy to advocate for their best interests when their parents’ attitudes are iffy, I don’t love them. My relationship with them has deteriorated over time and I’d rather not spend time with them at all. I do it only because my DP loves to play happy families. He is rather oblivious to their pathetic manipulation and sidelining of me, so I have detached significantly. I went into my relationship with rose tinted glasses, thinking we’d all get on great and love each other as family, but that has long since faded. They are fiercely bonded with their own manipulative and jealous mother, and I do not fit into their dreams for parental reconciliation. My DP has a good relationship with their mother now, but it is fragile. After 8yrs, they still ask their dad when he’s going to ‘come home’, and they do that in front of me. It’s boring. It’s also painful for my DP.

ElChan03 !!!!! I thought you left them! Your DP treated you very badly and your situation with this family was beyond SAD! You are the poster with severly autistic, blind step son, crazy ex, partner who only thinks about himself and his children, step daughter who ruled before you so she doesn't really like you and is difficult..you are only 25 and wanted to know about having your own child but your DP just called you selfish and got angry??you also haven't slept properlyfor days because SSs respite has been suspended..

Come on! Why did you go back???!!

@Bananasinpyjamas11 I do get on with my SS however I don't understand her but I know she isn't a bad person. Just because I don't understand her doesn't always means her way is wrong.

I do find it interesting that your ExDP needs to admit his DD and ex aren't perfect... more than likely he is aware of this and it's just guilt ... I would question if he is still grieving? Grieve can take years to recover from. I am a hopeless romantic so I hope there is some hope ..

I had/Have a step dad who has left me with PTSD and no positive emotions. I became a step parent myself when the kids were teens so my interaction/relationship is different but I still apply the same principles that I use for my own children and age adjust I.e. treat them like human beings and not scapegoats.

@Whitecat1704 you remember me very well!
I did leave for 2 months. But there were some very big changes and I promise it is nothing like March now!

My Dads second wife was the OW. When around other family members she’d behave like she was our mother, all lovely and nice. Behind closed doors she was foul. Told us several times she wished we’d just disappear and leave her alone with my Dad. I piped up about it and she lied her arse off, I was made to apologise. She gaslit me a lot. Once dropped out “You’re not even his.”

Dads third wife, who he met when I was 17 and living with him, was and is lovely. I was extremely wary of her for a long time. But shes been amazing. My DC adore her, she adores them, and she’s my first port of call for almost everything. I love her so much.

My step Dad... Has been divorced for from my Mum for 7 years now. I see him monthly for dinner and have zero relationship with my actual mother.

I’ve also been a Step parent to a very traumatised but otherwise lovely boy. My marriage didn’t last long due to ExHs alcoholism but I still talk to DSS on a semi regular basis.

For clarity - I’m not my Dads biological child (but that’s a whole other story) however I wasn’t aware of that at the time and wasn’t officially told until many years later.

My stepdad was the best thing to ever happen for me and my sister. Seriously. He became our dad; we were his daughters. He would have done anything for us. Miss him tremendously.

Like lunar I am a step child on both sides and whilst I wouldn't say it was traumatic, it made me realise that I wouldn't ever want to be a step parent or give my dc one. I read this board and at times am horrified at how little insight step mums (don't think there are many stepdads?) have about the upheaval their dsc have gone through and how 'they need to meet in the middle'.

@nuka ouch! Your SM told you that you weren’t his before you knew? Very cruel.
@beware your step Dad sounds lovely. I wonder if it’s easier to accept a step Dad?
@elchan I remember you too! You had a really tough set up, I hope that you are looking after yourself as it’s a lot to take on, hope your DP appreciates it!
@sessy hooray so pleased a positive SM relationship, how lovely. Sorry your own experience as SM isn’t great, sounds similar to me, perhaps loyalty to a mother who still wants our DP is key, and insurmountable.
@combat sorry that sounds awful, very traumatic. Treating others like human beings is so important.
@buzzing yes I felt a lot more sympathy for my step father once I became a SM. He was over pushy, but he did desperately want a relationship with me when I was young and I did reject him at first. I also desperately wanted a relationship with my step daughters, and was also rejected. I did develop a lovely relationship with him late teens though and I was never rude or nasty.

Interestingly it made me feel a bit angry with my own SM, I could suddenly see that she never cared for me and only saw me as separate to her DH. I gave a lot to her and if I’d had a fraction from my step daughters of what I gave her, I would be very happy.

@lastnight all relationships eventually do need to meet in the middle, so I totally stand by that. It doesn’t mean that step parents shouldn’t discount the trauma that kids can feel and step parents should start slowly. My own step Dad expected a relationship from day 1, which was wrong and painful for me. But I then went the opposite, gave everything and expected nothing, which was what I got, step kids who totally ignore me! There are some lovely positive stories here though.

all relationships eventually do need to meet in the middle, so I totally stand by that

I agree, relationships between adults. It is grossly unfair to expect young children who most likely have been through a lot to have to compromise on their stability in order to accommodate their parent's relationship. Eg when a child is now 'blending' and has to share what was their bedroom with 2 others and is told they 'must suck it up' and/or 'meet in the middle'. Completely unreasonable and selfish of the adults IMO.

Yes she did. Total cow. I shrugged it off at the time - I was 9 - but that comment I never told anyone about because I had a niggling feeling that it was true but I wasn’t interested in knowing. My “d”M (been NC since I was 19, VLC from 16) blurted it out in a drunken rage when I was 14 but denied it the next day when I confronted her. Found out properly when I was 17 and having some health issues, my blood group is a rare one that can only be passed by a parent that has it, I did some digging in secret, then spoke to my Dad who told me the whole horrible long winded story. Bottom line - my Dad is a fucking hero who has always considered me his child and as such I have zero interest in my bio Dad.

SM1 was a very cruel woman and emotionally abusive to everyone including my Dad.

If I saw her now I’d probably see red and punch her

I split with ExDP and married ExH, I have 2DC with ExDP who’s a great hands on co parent, and I had a D.C. who’s 2 with exH (who’s absent ) who was an abusive tosser.

I will not be having another serious relationship until all my DC are late teens. I don’t even date at the moment. I’m starting Uni doing Microbiology from September so I can’t see as I’ll have time anyway! But there is absolutely no way I’m moving a man in ever again. Never going to happen.

I do think there is evidence that a lot of step parents do more for the step children than the parents. I saw a lovely post on AIBU about a woman who had unofficially adopted her dsd and saw her as her daughter and vice versa. It was lovely.
I think in the case of blended families not working usually meant that not all the parents or family members are committed to making it work.
That is an opinion, I am also aware that there are some nasty pieces of work out there who's mission is to be as selfish as possible, be it step parent or biological parent.

My dp has come along leaps and bounds. And we are seeing the mp next week and ongoing formal complaint to social services for letting us down.

@nuka so your Dad, even though not bio was a rock in your life by the sounds of it. Your SM sounds nasty. Your childhood also sounds very tough and having kids with an Ex who was abusive, I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all that crap. Must have an impact. I don’t blame you for keeping life simple for a while. I hope you do eventually find someone as nice as your Dad.
@elchan very pleased it’s going a lot better. You certainly sound very committed and your step kids are getting the benefit. I hope it’s become less fraught, kids with higher needs are a lot to take on. Take care of yourself too.
@lastnight we are probably more in agreement than not. I would not expect a child to suddenly share their room. It is a different compromise than adult to adult. Still a compromise though, even if that initially just means giving a SM a chance! However it’s often the adults who are leading, and if a mother doesn’t let her kids give SM a chance they are in a loyalty bind. Or a Disney Dad can let kids be rude to SM. As a child myself of step parents, which wasn’t always plain sailing, I sympathise with a step kids point of view too.

My dd had an appalling time with her df's partner and was completely traumatised by it to the extent she barely sees her father anymore. I have therefore made the decision I wouldnt have a long term relationship with anyone until she is much older as she has been quite damaged by their behaviour

My Stepmum hated me being around and made sure I knew about it. There were no pictures of me in the house, I didn’t have my own room (despite them being very well off and having plenty of room). I was left out of holidays and the only one I was taken on I was treated as a babysitter. As a result my dad and myself aren’t close, which makes me sad.
On a positive note, it’s made me be a good stepmum to my stepdaughter. I never want her to feel like I did. I love her and make sure she knows it. She has her own room at our house and is treated exactly the same as the DC myself and DH have had together. It probably helps that I met her as a baby so she can’t remember me not being around... I understand it must be more difficult creating that bond when the relationship starts later. My stepmum apologised to me after she’d had a few wines a few years ago, she knew she had treated me poorly... it’s a shame so many step kids have to live with step parents who can’t stand them, it’s not their fault