effects of disney parenting one child and not the other

[timelord92]

Has anyone got any experience of the effects of Disney parenting with regards to step children and your own children?

Have you found if your partner has Disney parented his own children that when you then have children together it has created problems later on down the line. Such as, your children feeling second best as a result on not being able to do something which the elder step children are allowed to do.

I only ask as at the minute this is what my step daughter gets away with:-

• Doesn’t allow her to wait for her dinner when she finishes school, so he will bring snacks for her to eat (as she doesn’t eat her dinner in school).
• Picks her up from school on the one day in the week he has off even though she has a free bus pass which she uses the rest of the week.
• She is allowed to only eat part of her meal at dinner (for example if we make her chicken with rice she will just eat the chicken and leave the rice) in order to make enough room for her dessert which she eats straight after. She has even admitted to us this is what she does.
• She has to have a different meal to everyone else as she doesn’t like what we eat.
• We will eat our meals together at the table but she is the only person who will eat her dinner and immediately rush off to her room without waiting for everyone else to finish theirs, regardless of whether we have guests with us or not.
• She doesn’t have to hoover, clean her room or change her bed sheets or help round the house at all. (my partner’s excuse is because he wants her to basically be comfortable while she is here as her mums house is like walking on egg shells. I don’t think she does anything in her mums either including making food).
• if she forgets something her dad does all the running round for it (ex. from school or her mums).
• There has been a few occasions even up to now at the age of 14 when she has been upset in the car with her dad and he has had to pull over so she could sit on his lap.
• At least once a weekend she asks her dad for a piggy back up/down the stairs.
• When we go out anywhere (swimming baths, BBQ, beach) she monopolizes his time and attention and always wants him to ‘play with her’.

For context she is 15 this year and she stays in ours every weekend from Saturday till Tuesday morning.

I’m thinking that we’ll be bringing my daughter up to be more independent than this. So for instance, she will be doing her own room, helping round the house, she’s be eating the same as us, eating at the table till everyone has finished, and if she forgets something she will learn the consequences of that herself rather than us rescuing her.

Does anyone think that not only is it damaging for her to be babied so much but can it make her sister (when she is able to talk and know what’s going on) feel second best to her sister?

Also, how do we go about bringing some changes in with regards to some of the behaviour?

Has anyone had experience of this years down the line and what happened? I’m just not sure whether I’m just getting worried over nothing!

I have been in this situation and it is really tough. Taking a look at your list, there are behaviors on there that ARE actually OK or at least understandable (like her wanting her Dad to focus attention on her) and other behaviors that are not OK.

For chores and expectation setting etc. it is absolutely vital that everyone gets on the same page for that. See my thread that I posted about what happens when you don't set consistent limits. What is appropriate for a kid depends on the age. FWIW, kids NEED consistent limits and expectations to thrive and you're right that this will impact your kids because it makes them think they will be able to behave that way.

I would start with the chores. No one ever died from having to clean their room and you want to raise a happy ADULT, not someone who doesn't know how to do anything for themselves.

I don't know what to say about the tantrums and stopping the car. That is freaking weird. However stopping the car sends the message that she can control what you're doing with that behavior. Not good.

Also be aware that 15 is a rotten age no matter the situation!

Bananas

I feel the same as you now where I don’t want to holiday with them again either. I’ve just come back from a weekend away with us all and it was a nightmare. It’s worse than at home because you are with them for near enough 24 hours a day. She was constantly looking at her phone (reading books apparently) even when we were out like eating a meal together and even when it was brought up she still carried on by bringing up excuse after excuse as to why she could get away with it. When my DP let her get away with it I mentioned it to him and he said I needed to relax a bit as we were on holiday and he wants her to enjoy herself. He did tho tell her properly to not use it and she had to listen but she would still goad her dad about it when she didn’t have it. Then he let her sleep in the living room area even tho she had two rooms to choose from, so obviously one night she wanted to go to sleep before we were ready and kept moaning about needing to go to sleep, so in other words she wanted us to go in our room at 10pm. My DP then said ‘ok lets put a dvd on in our room’ so we had to then leave like a bunch of children into our own room. We didn’t speak the rest of the night in bed and in fact didn’t sleep but in the morning he acted like nothing happened and actually gave me a big kiss. Then to top it off we missed going on a steam train on the last day because he wanted to make sure that his DSD got to spend her money in the arcade. During none of the weekend was there any mention of what we could do for the baby it was all centred around the DSD.

All I keep thinking is that I’ll have to go on trips and that with my mum and the baby so I can relax for a change. It’s hard in a step family to know what to do for the best, you know you took your DS on holiday and you still got grief even tho your DP wasn’t with you.

I don’t think there’s anyone who might see it and mention it who he might listen to as his family I don’t think notice stuff as she is different around them. My family have noticed but I don’t think it would go down well on that front lol

Im going to have to book counselling cos I think without it I think we’ll fall apart.

Sessy19

there’s no comparison with how he parents your daughter in your posts that suggest that he won’t do exactly the same with her?

That is a good point and he might. He has said in the past that he is soft with everyone and he may treat her as soft as his DSD. However, the reason why he, in my opinion anyway, goes overboard in pleasing her is because he feels guilty that she doesn’t spend all her time with us and is split between two houses. He has admitted this to me that he feels guilty that our daughter will have a ‘better’ or I should say nicer upbringing than his DSD. So if you look at it that way, with our daughter living with us and not split then wouldn’t you draw the conclusion that even tho he would still be soft to a degree that he wouldn’t be as soft as he has been with his DSD. He has even said that she would still have a better upbringing than his DSD even if we split up as she would have my side of the family for support.

Yes we will come up with rules for both children that we expect, like sitting at the table all together until we have all eaten. I don’t really to tell her what to do as she isn’t mine but the problem with that is that my DP doesn’t notice or if he does he wants her to be happy so in other words do as she pleases so that her time with us is the best it can be. It just means that I’m reminding him all the time and I don’t want to be. I try to bring her into the conversation but sometimes it’s hard to think of what to say to her as she doesn’t have many interests.

No we don’t have a very good relationship. Her mum caused trouble with us right up until we had our daughter. You know saying things like ‘you’ve picked that tart over your daughter’ to my DP when dropping her off. So every time we were getting to know each other the trouble would start again and we wouldn’t see her for months on end. This is the longest I’ve seen her for (10 months) and more frequently too. I just feel like she doesn’t want me around. My and DP had a massive argument when the baby was about 4 months old where we nearly split up. For some reason he told his DSD who started crying but she was worried she wouldn’t be able to see the baby. She didn’t seem bothered that we were splitting up or about her dad’s happiness. Looking back I thought she might have said she didn’t want the baby to grow up with separate parents like she has had to do but she didn’t. saying that, she may just be too young to understand properly. But back to the original question, no we don’t get on at all.

Swing

You do make some good points. My DP has two children from his previous relationship and they are completely different in personality and have been brought up the same so probably will turn out quite differently to each other. I know what your saying, that if that’s the way he wants to parent his child then leave him to do that and turn a blind eye. However, it’s easier said than done especially when you have your own child. I did used to just leave him too it but it niggles at me now. This is why I think counselling is the way forward as I could do with some help too as it is something which is out of my control really.

They have received the exact same education, same expectations, same rules, same everything.
The difference in my situation is that DSD and DD don’t have the same expectations, rules, etc. they are being treated differently in their upbringing. You could say its because they both have different mothers but it’s the DP who is treating them differently because he sees one of them as having a better upbringing to begin with.

Tuscanangel

I get that on the list there is behaviours which are actually ok but it was to demonstrate on the whole all the ways in which he babies her. Id say she gets babied more than our actual baby!

It may seem like a silly question but how do I find your threat?

this will impact your kids because it makes them think they will be able to behave that way

yes this is what I’ve been thinking. Our DD may even ask why she has to do something while the other didn’t. you might say ‘oh well they are older’ but they will always remember. I was treated differently to my sister and it caused friction with both my mum and sister.

Well that’s why I want to get my DD to clean up after herself so she can do stuff and is raised as a happy adult.

She stops the car when it is just her dad and her in it, as far as I am aware anyway.

15 is hard which is why im not sure what to do about it.

Hey OP..I'm sorry you had a hard time on your holidays but I have to say that the phone thing is completely normal for a 15year old. My SD is on hers too and I don't really care to correct that..Who wants a battle with a sulky teen on holidays?

Re sleeping in main area and "sending" you to bed..Why did you agree to that? I wouldn't if my SD had a silly demand like that and DH didn't mind..I would say I want to stay up late that would be it..if she was moaning about wanting to sleep I would suggest spare room and ignore..I don't undarstand why you can't communicate with SD directly if her father doesn't? I also don't get why you can't just set your boundaries with him..why did you go to your room and NOT talk to him? Why did you allow him to kiss you and pretend nothing happened? If it bothers you stand up for yourself!

Re nothing for the baby..Why didn't YOU organize things for your DD and ask DP and SD to join you?

First holiday with my 15year old SD was a bit akward but she spend loads of time with us on playgrounds with DS..we did stuff just with her(babysitter for DS) llike dinners and bowling etc. but DS was in the center..She did stuff with just her dad one night..it was a healthy mix really with a focus on SD and DS and "family" time I wouldn't agree to anything but that but I also organized most of it myself..

We went away just me and DH too..for a weekend to get some "us" time..Do you and DP ever get that opportunity?

Could you go away now with just DP and your DD if you feel like the holiday was only for your DSD?

Also..Your DP told his 14year old you are spliting up after an argument????Massive red flag here...She is too young for this shit and it's a serious boundary issue AND it will make her feel like your relationship is not that strong..if she doesn't like you she will try to cause more trouble and he is basically encouraging it by "confiding" in her...

What are your DPs good qualities?

I have to confess that the way your OH dealt with her behaviour during the holiday is exactly the way I would have done with my teenagers and as far as I can tell, it's totally normal behaviour of parents with teenagers.

So what she was on the phone all the time? Yes, it's annoying from the perspective of her not appreciating the holiday, but why did you have to care? It didn't affect you directly and by the time your child is her age, mobile phones as such won't exist anymore and you'll be battling with them for something else.

Her wanting to sleep in the living room I expect was because she wanted to have access to the TV? If so and all you were doing was watching TV yourself but not a programme she was interested too, I don't find it so bad to go and watch TV in your bedroom. Personally, I would have loved the opportunity to have my OH for myself.

Are you sure that the way your OH behaves with her is more a case of 'picking his battles' rather than guilt?

You seem very focused and as a result upset with stuff that in the scheme of things really don't matter so much and this seems to be what your OH is trying to convey.

Teenagers are very annoying and most parents come back from holidays moaning about one thing or another. I think I started a post on Teenagers last time I took them on holiday moaning about how rude, ungrateful and spoiled they were at the time, but life goes on and they really are not bad kids. They work hard at school, they let me know where they are, they don't drink, smoke or do drugs (which unfortunately many 'good' teenagers do at their school). They are not great at showing their appreciation at home, but all I get from their teachers/employers is how amazing helpful children they are and how proud I must be, so I tell myself that I must do something right after all, even if it doesn't seem like it.

I know that's not what you will want to read, but do let it go because all this focus on your SD's behaviour is not going to do any good to anyone. She's not going to become the perfect teenager you expect her to be just because you do, your OH is going to get more and more tired feeling stuck in the middle having to please you and her, and in the end, you are miserable and upset. It's not worth it.

I agree re teens and mobiles and difficult holidays. They come with the territory. Relaxing the normal boundaries e.g phone at dinner table is absolutely fine. The problem is there are not many boundaries to relax here!

I don’t see why you didn’t chip in re the ‘having to go to your room at 10pm’ on holiday. If it were me I would have said ‘if you want to sleep in the living room wait until we want to go to bed, otherwise if you are tired go to a bed room. That’s just common sense parenting. There are times when you can just disagree with your OH. It sounds like you are on egg shells with OH re DSD.

Also agree him disclosing your argument/potential split to 14yo DSD (whose relationship with you is not yet established) was a huge boundary violation. Big red flag. It must feel a bit like your relationship is secondary to theirs? That’s not healthy and won’t work for anyone.

If I ever move in with my DP it will be on the understanding that 1) house rules will apply across the board and 2) the adult relationship is primary.

I’m not sure that DP will manage it (he asks so little of his teens and one is NEET) so it could be a recipe for total disaster. Moving in might not happen til the kids are MUCH older.

Appreciate OP doesn’t have that luxury with a younger child to consider.

Whitecat

The phone thing bothers me more when we are out eating as I see it as bad manners and I find it strange that she isn’t talking to friends online she is reading books on it. However, maybe I should relax on that as I think you’re right that it’s something teenagers just do these days. I think now I’ve had a chance on my own to this it over and after having a talk with DP I think a lot of the stuff she does is because she feels awkward or embarrassed most of the time so her being on her phone is so she doesn’t feel too self-conscious sometimes.

I usually tell my DP about things later on when we are alone so she doesn’t get to see us argue or think that she’s caused us to fight. It wasn’t that she sent us to bed it was more she wanted to go to bed with her body language and my DP suggesting we go to bed. He was trying to compromise whereas I don’t like to be told what to do by children. She has done that in the past when we first got together as she felt threatened and I think I look for similar behaviours now. Almost like when a person who has been cheated on is looking for signs in other relationships because they panic that they will be cheated on again. I should also point out that it was my idea to let her sleep in the living room as it was comfier for her as she likes the tv on to sleep. My DP didn’t want her to sleep in there originally as she wasn’t close enough to him. I did communicate with her directly but I did in a sarky way and not a mature way which I regret. We didn’t talk about it as we didn’t want to spoil the rest if the holiday and cause a scene in front of DSD.

Why didn't YOU organize things for your DD and ask DP and SD to join you I do all the organising so I was trying to please everyone. We did go the pool which was a success. If I could go back id just try to keep things simple and maybe get everyone involved with what we can do.

we have been away for weekends in the past as we would fit that in when DSD came eow but since the baby’s been born we haven’t. The baby won’t go with anyone else overnight yet so it’s out of the window up to now. I’m not sure about leaving his DSD tho as sometimes he seems optimistic about going and other times he seems reluctant to have to tell her that we are doing something.

Could you go away now with just DP and your DD if you feel like the holiday was only for your DSD? No it’s not something that we could do. He doesn’t like her to miss out which is fair enough I wouldn’t want her missing out either. She is with us every weekend anyway it would be cruel to say she couldn’t come as we are taking the baby away.

Your DP told his 14year old you are spliting up after an argument???? He left to meet his older son (20 years old) instead of talking to me about it and I think to let off some steam. His son hasn’t spoke to him for ages but wanted to meet up as his sister was very upset. When we went to pick him up his sister came out with him so he had to speak to both of them. When I asked him why he told her he said because he thought we had split up and wanted to put their minds at rest that she would still be able to see the baby. I think this was a mistake too for the exact same reasons. I had to wait for him to finish speaking to his children before he contacted me to talk things over. This was our first proper argument so I found the whole thing very strange and very put out that I had to wait when we both didn’t know what was actually going to happen.

Swing

True I think I just got that wound up that I was looking out for anything. I just see the phone thing as disrespectful but your right it doesn’t affect me directly.

Yes she did want to stay in the living room area as the tv was there. It wasn’t cos she was there but because she was the one deciding what to do and not the adults. So he was giving her the power if u like.

He has said he feels guilty in the past but he does tell her to do certain things if he agrees with me and she does do as she’s told to be fair. Yes he thinks I’m nit picking. I think as I’ve been put to the back on a few occasions in the past when it came to her and her mother I’m looking for similar things now. But your right the majority of them are small. I think she doesn’t want to cause any trouble now as she wants to be apart of the baby’s life and us. It is hard for me to switch off sometimes.

We have talked things over and it is going to be a slow road but hopefully we will get there in the end. I’ve found it especially hard now having my own child, I guess im a lot more stressed than I was previously.

Hipster

I feel like if I say anything to her she wont want to come anymore and my DP will then not want to talk to me. I suppose that is the crux of the thing. Yes I do feel like I walk on egg shells but if I look at it from my DSD’s perspective she is probably doing the same. We had a BBQ last night for my grandparents anniversary and she came down for the food for 5 mins then went back up to her bedroom and we didn’t see her really till she was going to school the next day. I think she hides most of the time as she feels awkward but she does want to be involved, which is evidenced in the fact she still comes down very often. If she was that anxious she wouldn’t come so much I’m guessing.

Yes I have said to him I feel like we are second best to his first family, especially as he chose to see them rather than sorting it out with me. He said he’s made sacrifices to be with me (such as having no relationship with his older son

) and if anything we are better off cos we live together whereas his DSD only visits.

Re. using her phone to read during meals: One thing my DS told me once is that when we are all at a table, I do tend to have discussions with the adults only and not include them. I reflected on this and could see his point. People will ask him/his sister how they are, how are things at school, stuff that really, they don't want to talk about, but when it comes to having discussions about matters, they are never included.

They are right that part of accepting them growing up is accepting that they have something to say about matters of life. Of course it will be the view of an teenager, so lacking experience, but that doesn't mean there have no insight in world matters. Since then, I do, and have asked family, to make an effort to ask them for their point of view and to actually listen to them. I was very surprised when I did that they suddenly showed more of an interest in what was going on then their phone but that they also had more common sense than what I had granted them.

I know what you mean about not being dictated by children, but when they become teenagers, part of of allowing them to learn independent skills is to also, gradually, in a control way, allowing them to take a lead on some decisions. Usually a one steps forward two backwards to start with, but this allow them to grow more confident.

It is hard to switch off, it certainly is. It's a learning process for everyone to adjust to blended families. I can't imagine finding myself living with a teenager without having gone through the progressive (or should I say regressive!) stages that takes them there before they suddenly emerge as lovely and caring adults, somehow!