effects of disney parenting one child and not the other

[timelord92]

Has anyone got any experience of the effects of Disney parenting with regards to step children and your own children?

Have you found if your partner has Disney parented his own children that when you then have children together it has created problems later on down the line. Such as, your children feeling second best as a result on not being able to do something which the elder step children are allowed to do.

I only ask as at the minute this is what my step daughter gets away with:-

• Doesn’t allow her to wait for her dinner when she finishes school, so he will bring snacks for her to eat (as she doesn’t eat her dinner in school).
• Picks her up from school on the one day in the week he has off even though she has a free bus pass which she uses the rest of the week.
• She is allowed to only eat part of her meal at dinner (for example if we make her chicken with rice she will just eat the chicken and leave the rice) in order to make enough room for her dessert which she eats straight after. She has even admitted to us this is what she does.
• She has to have a different meal to everyone else as she doesn’t like what we eat.
• We will eat our meals together at the table but she is the only person who will eat her dinner and immediately rush off to her room without waiting for everyone else to finish theirs, regardless of whether we have guests with us or not.
• She doesn’t have to hoover, clean her room or change her bed sheets or help round the house at all. (my partner’s excuse is because he wants her to basically be comfortable while she is here as her mums house is like walking on egg shells. I don’t think she does anything in her mums either including making food).
• if she forgets something her dad does all the running round for it (ex. from school or her mums).
• There has been a few occasions even up to now at the age of 14 when she has been upset in the car with her dad and he has had to pull over so she could sit on his lap.
• At least once a weekend she asks her dad for a piggy back up/down the stairs.
• When we go out anywhere (swimming baths, BBQ, beach) she monopolizes his time and attention and always wants him to ‘play with her’.

For context she is 15 this year and she stays in ours every weekend from Saturday till Tuesday morning.

I’m thinking that we’ll be bringing my daughter up to be more independent than this. So for instance, she will be doing her own room, helping round the house, she’s be eating the same as us, eating at the table till everyone has finished, and if she forgets something she will learn the consequences of that herself rather than us rescuing her.

Does anyone think that not only is it damaging for her to be babied so much but can it make her sister (when she is able to talk and know what’s going on) feel second best to her sister?

Also, how do we go about bringing some changes in with regards to some of the behaviour?

Has anyone had experience of this years down the line and what happened? I’m just not sure whether I’m just getting worried over nothing!

Hmmm, I take my child a snack for school pick up - most at my school do as they're starving apparently!

I thought you'd be talking about an iPhone throwing, swearing, drinking brat of a child. Your SD doesn't sound bad or Disney parented at all.

Sorry.

This poor child obviously misses her daddy. I say this as the mother of a 15 yr old. What you des robe sounds like how I choose to ring up my kids though

Doesn't sound like Disney parenting to me.

She sounds like she misses her dad, and how lovely that he pulls over to let her sit on his lap when she's upset!

OK he could enforce dinner time rules and helping around the house a bit more, but the rest doesn't sound too bad at all.

And the piggyback thing is lovely too, I really hope my kids are still asking their dad for a piggyback once a weekend aged 15.

He is creating a brat ! In his eyes he probably feels guilty since your daughter has been born , bit unless he encourages independence and reacts positively to age appropriate behaviour , you are all in for a rough ride.
He is not going to create a good sisterly bond with his daughters unless he treats them the same.
If I were you I would be saying that you want to raise an independant girl and that the way he is parenting his older daughter will have a detrimental effect on that.
Has his older daughter always behaved so babyish?

Sounds like a teenage girl and a doting dad.
I don’t think it’s anything to worry about really. Some girls are like that through those years. Xx

Bloody hell sounds like pure hell .... are you sure she is 14 and not 4?

Apart from the mealtime issues(she should not be leaving parts of her meal at age 14 and should eat the same as the others) this seems like normal parenting to me. Is it you who cooks all the meals? Maybe have it so if your DP insists special treatment for her he has to do it himself?

Certain things you've described aren't acceptable if it means different rules for her and other rules for the other children. E.g. running off when she's finished her tea, no help with cleaning and not waiting for her tea. That's all very Disney.
Things such as letting her make all the decisions when out and about is very Disney too.

As for picking her up from school, that's ok if it's only once a week. What wouldn't be ok is if he can't do it one day and she throws a strop about it. Every day picking her up and I'd be like when she's perfectly capable of making her own way home at that age.

Sitting on his lap at that age is a bit weird though.

I'm not sure that I would describe any of the things you have mentioned as being evidence of 'disney' parenting. It sounds like they have a close bond which is lovely.

I would however definitely agree that some of the habits are unhelpful and disruptive within both your family dynamics and they are not setting her up for being socially aware of the impact she has on others with this behaviour.

In my opinion the main issue here is that you have a very different parenting preference to your partner and you both need to be having a conversation about how you balance your approaches to suit your family set up best. You are not wrong for wanting to raise your daughter as you do and he is not wrong for wanting to do it his way, what is going to be more damaging for all involved children though is if you are both unable to find a middle ground that gives them all the same expectations and treatment.

I am getting frustrated.... why is the DD behaviour normal? It's weird and babyish. How can people view it was a parenting style? This is treating a young person as a baby!

Dear lord I need to lay down in a darkened room!

The age difference between your daughter and your stepdaughter will mean they are unlikely to make comparisons between each other in the same way.

My partner and I don’t have children together and he is very different to me in regards to rules about food etc but my children know they live by my rules.

It sounds like you feel your DH should deal with his daughter differently and the issue about how it impacts your daughter is pretty secondary.

How old are your children? When mine were under 5 or so, I would have said exactly the same than you. I taught them to ask to leave the table, to finish their meal, to help around the house, clear their bedroom and yes, face the consequences of their forgetting things.... then they became teenagers and I realise that there is a difference between what we expect from them, what we've taught them and what we get. Suddenly, 'picking my battles' seems to have taken precedence over the rest.

Your SD doesn't sound too bad, could be better, but there is a lot worse out there.

What's the age gap? My youngest DC is 19 and eldest SC is 11 - all live with us full time. My DCs and DSCs are parented very differently, due to age gap, due to me and my DH having different parenting styles, due to me over compensating as I think my 19 year old has had the worst deal in our family situation, due to DH over compensating in other areas due to DSCs Mum's MH issues. I wouldn't say either of us are Disney though, just stricter about different things.
Yes, my DS does complain about the lack of boundaries given to the younger DSC e.g allowed to interrupt conversations however the younger two never complain that my DS is allowed to e.g. eat in his room and leave the table early, partly because he is older than them and partly because they realise that they can be badly behaved sometimes and irritate him. This is the world of blended families, it is not perfect.

moodance
You are not alone..

Personally a father stopping a car (presumably with OP in it as she know about it) to let a tantruming 14 year old on his lap would be a deal breaker. Unless she has special needs it's wierd on both sides- 14 is far too old for this and be should have some boundaries with her. It's also disrespectful to OP and any other witnesses.

There are behaviours going on here that are not right and i’m absolutely amazed that some posters think it’s acceptable. I call it snowflake parenting.

She only eats part of her dinner. Why would she eat the boring bits when I can get what I want? That’s fine - make sure there are no other options available, you don’t run a restaurant.

She has to eat a different meal to everyone else. You are creating a rod for your own back here. If you want to pander to a fussy water fine. If not. One meal is all that’s on offer (you are again not a restaurant).

After she’s finished eating she rushes off while the rest of the family are still eating. That’s bad manners. Your OH is the parent. He needs to make sure she knows the rules.

She doesn’t do any chores around the house. If you want to create a lazy, entitled child, fine. If not, you are not a slave and she helps out.

She’s been upset in the car and your OH has had to pull over to condole her. She’s 15, not a toddler. I had a whole post about this sort of thing earlier in the week. This is not normal. Dad is babying her.

She monoplises dads time when you are out. Yes, she might miss dad but from the sounds of things she spends a bit of time with him. Your OH needs to get to the route of why she feels insecure. Or is it because she thinks she’s Queen Bee and wants to show her place?

She’s 15. Your OH needs to be parenting her to independence (I was given this advice earlier in the week about my DSD). I think the same applies here.

I'm guessing your child is still very young (maybe under2?).
She sounds as though she's struggling to come to terms with her father's new family, and wants reassurance he still loves her. 14 is a v tricky age, even for children that still live with both parents in a loving relationship.
That said, it's ok to have different rules at your house than at her mother's house! Just be kind when trying to reinforce them.

He pulls over and she sits on his knee to be consoled aged 15

Erm...

*Most kids have some kind of snack after school....
*Many children are picked up from, or delivered to, school at least some of the time even if in possession of a bus pass cos parents like to help out when they can....
*why make a big deal of pudding? She eats what is available, why is that a problem? If your children aren’t allowed pudding without clearing their main course first, then it’s really only an issue if your DP is father to them all. Have you discussed it? (Personally, if pudding is available, my children are allowed it. I do ‘t like the idea that pudding is a prize or in some way something to be coveted).
*Why do you deliberately cook food she doesn’t like? Why not cook a meal she will like for everyone?

*Teens spend their lives In Their rooms on gadgets and phones. Speak to your partner and make it a rule that no one leaves the table till everyone is finished.
*for chores, again agree with your partner what she needs to do. What she does or doesn’t do at her mum’s is neither here nor there. If she is part of the family, she joins in with family activities.

*some parents help out when kids forget things. Some don’t. It doesn’t really impact on independence but is possibly an issue with responsibility.

*if she needs the reassurance of her dad’s lap at the age of 15, maybe consider what is going on for her? Why is that important to her? If she is seeking his love/reassurance, how can he give her that in other ways?

*why is asking for a piggy back an issue? I don’t understand.
*she wants her dad’s attention. She sees him less than you and your daughter. Does he spend time alone with her?

She sounds insecure in her place in your family so perhaps work on that. Can you do something with her sometimes? Get to know her better so she is less likely to see you as competition for dad’s attention and more of an older friend/aunt she can rely on? Involve her in meal planning and cooking for the days she is with you?

Does she have issues with food?

Thanks for the replies!

There was a lot more replies saying they thought the behaviour was normal which I’m quite shocked by to be honest. I wouldn’t have thought a near 15 year old wanting to play with her dad would have been considered normal.

I don’t think she’s a bad child by any means she does do as she’s told its more my partner not seeing some behaviours that she does as having bad manners or babying her while she is here. I’ve seen her in her nans without her dad a few times and she is a different kettle of fish there.

897654321abcvrufhfgg Saying that he is her daddy is a bit weird as she is nearly at the age that she will be getting a job and essentially thinking like an adult, she is 14 after all not 4.

Hecticlifeanddrowning8 He has admitted to me before that he does feel guilty that our daughter will be brought up in a nicer environment compared to his elder daughter. She was actually worse before the baby came along. She was at her worst when I came on the scene I think when she was 11. There were more issues with her back then such as only agreeing to go to a BBQ if she could sit in the front (while I sit in the back in other words). My partner though this was great at the time as it was the first time she’d agreed to go with us. Although, her mum has always said to her that she was second best to something with her dad or telling her he didn’t love her so that will have a huge impact on her and will be a reason why she regresses to an earlier age in her behaviour.

TuTru She is displaying the baby behaviour less now than before so maybe it is just a ‘play it out’ type of scenario.

TacoLover Yes I cook most of the meals. The meals my partner makes she doesn’t like either. If I said for him to make her meals while I did ours he wouldn’t bat an eyelid and do it but that’s not the point tho is it. I can see what you mean but You know if we had 6 kids would we make 8 different meals for everyone? That’s the point isn’t it tho with your comment about the special treatment. One child shouldn’t be getting special treatment. I want both the girls to be treated the same. I don’t want the elder one saying in years to come ‘oh I didn’t have to do that, etc’. she’s already pointing out how each milestone of the baby’s life (eating solids, crawling, etc. she had done it a lot sooner like it’s some sort of competition.

funinthesun18 To be honest she would get the bus and wouldn’t complain it’s my boyfriend wanting to pick her up. I can understand it from his point of view it’s just all the behaviours together. I agree about the lap thing. He mentioned the other day how he’d been on auto and how he’d grabbed her bum by mistake like he does with me, being affectionate. When I said what did she say, he said nothing, she didn’t bat an eyelid. I find that a bit worrying too.

pickles184 What you suggest sounds reasonable the problem is that some things happen and he doesn’t realise that there’s a problem, so I feel like it will just be me nagging for the rest of our relationship.

Moodance I agree with you completely. I find some of it weird too! I just don’t know how to help her as there’s an underlying issue as to why she needs to be babied.

SusieQwhereareyou Are you sure they won’t make comparisons? The oldest already compares herself at that age in a more favourable way to her younger sister. So what’s she going to be like when the baby isn’t a baby anymore?

Swingofthings My daughter is 10 months old. I completely hear what you’re saying that each person is their own and however much we try to mould them they will always go their own way. However, actively treating one as special over another one will cause problems later down the line in my opinion anyway. Maybe the age gap is too great but I think the youngest will notice. I was treated differently to my sister and it affected our relationship.

Given the large - 13/14 year - age gap your concerns about potential impact on your DD seem unfounded.

The key issue seems to be that you dislike some of your SD’s behaviours and disagree with your partner’s parenting.

However, actively treating one as special over another one will cause problems later down the line in my opinion anyway
But circumstances are that he is already doing this as your DD gets to spend every day with him whilst his other DD doesn't, so you could say that if someone is getting more special treatment, it's your daughter.

No, the youngest one won't notice, the gap is too big. There's 12 years difference between my DD and her half sister and her sister has always considered like another adult, not another child, especially since she started to babysit for her from the time she was 3 yo.

I am getting frustrated.... why is the DD behaviour normal? It's weird and babyish. How can people view it was a parenting style? This is treating a young person as a baby!

Dear lord I need to lay down in a darkened room!

@moodance - you and me both... this is nuts.

OP, no this isn't ok. She's being treated as if she's 4 not 14.
And what is it with Disney Dads sitting their teenage girls on their laps in these kind of threads?

Em, he grabbed her bum on auto? Now I think I can see where you'd have a problem but surely it's with him not her