effects of disney parenting one child and not the other

[timelord92]

Has anyone got any experience of the effects of Disney parenting with regards to step children and your own children?

Have you found if your partner has Disney parented his own children that when you then have children together it has created problems later on down the line. Such as, your children feeling second best as a result on not being able to do something which the elder step children are allowed to do.

I only ask as at the minute this is what my step daughter gets away with:-

• Doesn’t allow her to wait for her dinner when she finishes school, so he will bring snacks for her to eat (as she doesn’t eat her dinner in school).
• Picks her up from school on the one day in the week he has off even though she has a free bus pass which she uses the rest of the week.
• She is allowed to only eat part of her meal at dinner (for example if we make her chicken with rice she will just eat the chicken and leave the rice) in order to make enough room for her dessert which she eats straight after. She has even admitted to us this is what she does.
• She has to have a different meal to everyone else as she doesn’t like what we eat.
• We will eat our meals together at the table but she is the only person who will eat her dinner and immediately rush off to her room without waiting for everyone else to finish theirs, regardless of whether we have guests with us or not.
• She doesn’t have to hoover, clean her room or change her bed sheets or help round the house at all. (my partner’s excuse is because he wants her to basically be comfortable while she is here as her mums house is like walking on egg shells. I don’t think she does anything in her mums either including making food).
• if she forgets something her dad does all the running round for it (ex. from school or her mums).
• There has been a few occasions even up to now at the age of 14 when she has been upset in the car with her dad and he has had to pull over so she could sit on his lap.
• At least once a weekend she asks her dad for a piggy back up/down the stairs.
• When we go out anywhere (swimming baths, BBQ, beach) she monopolizes his time and attention and always wants him to ‘play with her’.

For context she is 15 this year and she stays in ours every weekend from Saturday till Tuesday morning.

I’m thinking that we’ll be bringing my daughter up to be more independent than this. So for instance, she will be doing her own room, helping round the house, she’s be eating the same as us, eating at the table till everyone has finished, and if she forgets something she will learn the consequences of that herself rather than us rescuing her.

Does anyone think that not only is it damaging for her to be babied so much but can it make her sister (when she is able to talk and know what’s going on) feel second best to her sister?

Also, how do we go about bringing some changes in with regards to some of the behaviour?

Has anyone had experience of this years down the line and what happened? I’m just not sure whether I’m just getting worried over nothing!

We had some similar behaviour from DSD at that age, I think it was a sort of territory-marking thing, I’d been around since she was 11, and I think the hormones make some girls possessive. DH managed it a bit by things like encouraging her to grab his arm when they were out rather than holding his hand -he got quite self-conscious that people would get the wrong impression with things like the hand-holding. It disappeared by 16/17 when boys became more of a regular feature, which obviously had its own problems (sorry 😬)
With such a big age gap it is unlikely to have too much effect on your other child.

I had a job at 14, went on 2 tubes a train and a bus to get to school in london alone at 12, had flown to australia at 10 alone, been a vegetarian since aged 10 and cooked all my own food, started my periods at nearly 10 so was super grown up........... Then I go to dinner with my fat niece in law aged 10,she has never helped prepare food before and her mum is worried she will cut herself. I don't point out that the child clearly knows how to use a knife and fork.. You have to get kids to do things.Your husband is constnatly making u for the fact that he is an absent parent, and she will be aged 25 acting like a 15 year old. Good luck....... none of that is normal, it is all western helicopter parenting which causes anxiety in adults....

Hopefully the age difference will mean it won't have as much of an impact on your DD as it would if they were closer in age.

Everything she does the comparison thing I'd say something like ahh we're all different aren't we - imagine how boring the world would be if we were all the same with a smile. If she sees you're not at all bothered about competing she might do it less.

I wonder whether some posters are picking a few things and thinking that sounds normal...
...but as you’ve described them all together they mount up to being a Disney Dad?

I would disagree quite strongly with it being okay to give one child special treatment as they don’t live with their Dad. That is very unfair to the child who does. That particularly bothers me as my DP also uses the fact our son lives with us as the reason to totally pander to his older DDs, and it’s awful. They are put on a pedestal and we have to live our lives around their needs. I’m not sure how I’ll respond when our son grows up and realises all the things his sisters could do and he couldn’t. We get the bus loads for example, but he wouldn’t ever let his youngest DD (18)! They got lovely holidays. We haven’t had one. Crazy and sad.

I don’t know the best way to point it out. You have to stay the parent you want to be with yours. He’s setting up a very tough dynamic. Use your family and friends heavily and other support so that you are not weighed down by any tension and make sure you forge your own unit with your DP that is as solid as possible. There’s not a huge amount that will change with your DP unless he has an open mind and will try something like counseling.

KellyanneConway The age gap is 13 years. I see what you mean with different parenting styles. So you think that the younger one (in your case) doesn’t bat an eyelid to your DS eating in his room because he is older and so is allowed. It does make sense looking at it like that. How about when the youngest is at the same age and the rules are different for them. For instance, she isn’t allowed to eat in her room. Do you think she would think that it’s not fair as the oldest did do at the same age? Yeah blended families are hard work!

Whitecat – I wasn’t in the car with them when she sat on his lap, this is what he told me after the event. Her mum has said to her through out her life that she is second best and her dad doesn’t love her, so whenever something upsets her to do with us (the baby being born) it’s her wanting reassurance off her dad that he still loves her. This is probably where the baby attitude comes from.

Northern – what do you mean by snowflake parenting? I’ve not heard that expression before.

Well she only eats parts of her dinner so she can fit in dessert. So you mean don’t buy any too much rubbish that she would rather eat instead of her dinner?

It does annoy me with the eating something else to everyone else. I never used to like spag bol that my mum used to cook the whole family but I’d eat it anyway as I knew I had to make my own alternative otherwise and I was too lazy at that age to do it lol

The rushing off while eating will be addressed as it is bad manners. My partner never notices these things tho and so I always feel like I’m nagging when something new pops up.

The helping out is a losing battle as ive already discussed this with him and he’s reluctant to make her do anymore than bring dishes down from her room and put her laundry in the basket which is fine I suppose as she does always do that to be fair. Its just different to how I’d do it that’s all.

I posted my issue as a response to your thread as it doesn’t seem normal to me either. He just said oh she was upset but im with you I think it’s a bit strange for a 14 year old to do that. Usually a hug is what people do in a similar situation.

She does spent a lot of time with her dad but it hasn’t always been that way her mum used to stop her to gain control over her dad. I reckon if the roles were reversed and she lived with us but went to see her mum I don’t think she’d act so much like a baby.

Each generation is different. Our teenagers are as different to us as we were different to our parents when they were teenagers. There is 20 years difference between my sister and I and my mum has raised my sister totally differently to me.

What is normal behaviour is often in response to the child and the circumstances more than our princies which is why there is often a clash.

In the end who should prevail? The parent who think they are doing their best under the circumstances or the SP on their principles?

My OH doesn't agree on a number of things with how I'm bringing up my kids. He might be right or he might not but in the end they are my children and my responsibility so I will raise them as my heart and mind think is best rather than what he thinks is best for them. That doesn't take away from expecting them to respect him as a person.

I think points such as table manners should be instilled at any age, your SD at 14 should easily be able to wait until everyone has finished, then ask to leave the table and clear her plates. We expect that from my SS (15) and my DD (4) - SS will always need the toilet immediately after eating and then "forget" to come back down, so we ask him to, and to carry on at the table until we've all finished, This can be a long time with DD sometimes but it teaches him a valuable lesson for when he's an adult. The same with the food, for years and years he moaned about what we served him up but we refused to cook anything different and now he just eats what he's given, so does DD. There is a 10 year age gap between ours so there are bound to be differences but I think general values, manners and morals should stand regardless of age. Your DD does sound like she's being babied by your DH, all you can do if he refuses to change is step back and concentrate on your child.

Her mum has said to her through out her life that she is second best and her dad doesn’t love her, so whenever something upsets her to do with us (the baby being born) it’s her wanting reassurance off her dad that he still loves her. This is probably where the baby attitude comes from. That’s quite sad.

So he’ll make your child second best instead? It’s the balance that’s crucial. I guess the main thing is that he’s treating your child with as much care. The babying you can’t do much about.

I think rushing off after dinner/ not doing any chores should be stopped... but I'm struggling to see the issue with some of the other points. I think it's lovely that her dad collects her from school once a week and still gives her lots of attention when she's with him, she obviously needs it right now. Piggyback rides and cuddles/ sitting on his lap... it jut sounds like a good dad trying to do his but for a confused teenage daughter. It will all stop one day and he'll miss having such a tight bond with her - let them enjoy it! With such a big age gap, it seem unlikely that your daughter will remember any of this anyway! The older daughter will have grown up before she's aware.

When dp and I got together, he had two DD's aged 16 and 8 and I had two, aged 13 and 6.

The 16, 13 and 6 year old were all treated the same. The 8 year old was still babied by her mum and in turn by her dad. I nearly died of shock one morning when I came down and found him putting socks and shoes on her at the age of 9 because she couldn't do it herself.

He never told her off, she was never asked to do anything in the house, she wasn't expected to pick up any of her stuff. She frequently left her belongings in our house, her mums, at school, at friends houses meaning phone calls, car trips etc to retrieve them. Not by her, by her mum or us. As a result she never seemed to be capable of thinking for herself.

My two have always been brought up to be independent. I was a single parent for a long time and I have always wanted my girls to be able to cope for themselves. Likewise his oldest DD has always been self sufficient, she has a different mum to her sister and was never babied. She never got any Disney treatment from her dad.

Now, they are 22, 19, 15 and 12. Oldest is living in London with her partner, store manager and happy. 19 year old is at uni. 12 year old still at home and at school but very capable of cooking for herself. The 15 year old hasn't been here for a few years but last time she was here her dad actually said No to a request which resulted in an almighty tantrum. I had warned him years ago that if he never said No to her, that one day he would have to and she wouldn't like it. Coupled with some parental alienation and a whole load of other shit, that relationship broke down completely.

It was his youngest that was always trying to lie on top of him on the sofa (lying full length on top of him), wanted to sleep naked in bed with him (and I would have to sleep on a top bunk), wanted to sit on him all the time, always pushed me out of the way if I was stood near him, would barge the other girls out of the way so he was always next to her. I know the split with her parents was difficult for her (her mum left dad) but it was very difficult for everyone dealing with her behaviour. We also had a lot of lies, stealing, hiding things and neither her mum or dad ever talked to her about why she did it. Both were in denial about her behaviour and preferred to think it wasn't happening.

I also saw her push her way between her mum and her mum's boyfriend. She was one insecure child but no one dealt with it.

Imo it's weird and creepy for a fully developed 14yo to sit on daddy's knee

Timelord, yes for now it's because he's older. I think my DH will just tell DSC they aren't allowed and that will be it, even if they do complain. It's different to your situation slightly in that we don't have DCs together so my DH will just say something like "Kellyanne let DS but I'm not letting you". So, I'm in charge of my two and he's in charge of his and we get away with this I think because of the age gap.
The thing is, if me and DCs were still on our own, DS wouldn't be allowed to eat in his room at all. Just occasionally he does because the DSC do things that my DCs weren't allowed, like interrupting conversations and messing about at the table so it's not even as if I endorse this particular behaviour, I just don't want DS getting stressed and me uncomfortable when the younger ones are giddy at mealtimes.

Ohreallyohreallyoh It’s not the eating pudding in itself that’s the problem its purposely not eating her dinner so she can fit in her pudding. As she was eating too much crap and she needed too many fillings we said she could have a treat after she has eaten a proper meal (breakfast, lunch and dinner) so that she would be less likely to eat too much crap as she would be too full. To get around it she is now only eating a part of her main meal so that she can still eat her afters. This has meant that we have gone without proper food as we have give it to her which she hasn’t eaten or it has gone to waste when someone else could have had it. Oh and my DP is father to both the children.

I don’t deliberately cook food she doesn’t like I’ll cook a variety of food. She would prefer to just eat food which isn’t particularly good for you like chicken nuggets and chips whereas I like to make healthier meals. When she is here I try to make her healthy food which she likes but even then she will only eat one part of it or I have to change it in some way for her (eg, smooth the curry out as she doesn’t like bits, or take out her chicken before I add onions and peppers to fajitas for instance).

I’ve talked to DS about spending more time with her one-on-one, even if it’s just a drive or a coffee out somewhere but he said that her being out with all of us is doing her good as she is not as ‘babyish’ as she used to be in the past so in his eyes she will grow out of it in a few years. I think there’s an underlying problem there with her feeling like he doesn’t love her enough which will impact her for years to come. He also said that its difficult to do it at the minute too with the baby being so young as he feels guilty when he leaves me to look after the baby again when I’ve been looking after her while he’s at work.

The asking for a piggy back is a way I was demonstrating how she is acting more like a baby than a teenager. I’ve heard her asking for it too in a baby voice. It seems a little strange to me to do that to be honest.

She seems insecure to me too but my DS just thinks that it will all just blow over and she will get used to the situation whereas I think she needs a bit of help.

I’ve not thought of asking her to do anything with me as I don’t think she would. She seems to tolerate me rather than like me. I don’t find her particularly easy to talk too as she tends to talk at you rather than with you. I’ve not heard her have a proper conversation with anyone where you listen and then respond (if you know what I mean) so I think it would just be awkward for the two of us if I took her out somewhere on our own. Saying that, I was surprised when she would rather stay with me without her dad (he was in work) for the day than stay with her mum (who was home) on her days off during half term although she would stay in her room till her dad got home.

I think when you have tiny kids 14yo seems very grown up but actually she is still a child. She’s on the cusp- at that age where she can act and look all grown up one minute then be all flowers and unicorns the next. She’s probably also struggling with the fact that her dad now has a new baby girl in his life and wondering where she’s fits in, which might explain the slightly babyish behaviour.

However I remember sitting on my mum’s knee for a cuddle sometimes when I was 14! And I think it’s lovely that he picks her up from school. The not helping around the house needs to be picked up on though. But I don’t think it’s drastically unusual teenage behaviour.

Sounds like Disney parenting to me!

Loopytiles

She doesn’t have issues with food as far as I am aware. I think it may be more of an escaping type of behaviour as she feels uncomfortable maybe. Yeah you are spot on there.

Swing

if someone is getting more special treatment, it's your daughter
I think there would only be cause for concern if the youngest was treated different by her dad while her older sister stayed over, whereas as it is now she is treated the same all the time. The issue is that while the youngest will be helping out the older one will be doing something different when she comes.

No, the youngest one won't notice, the gap is too big
Hopefully so, although I have a 7-year age gap to my sister (different dads) and with us being treated differently we don’t like each other very much. She was brought up feeling like she was special whereas I was brought up by her dad as though whatever I did wasn’t good enough. This has affected our lives as adults. The only difference is that we lived together and there is less of an age gap with the current situation.

Slightlyperturbed

My DS usually doesn’t notice when something inappropriate happens its only when I’ve mentioned it to him afterwards. Hopefully it will disappear too when boys are on the scene as up to now she doesn’t seem interested in all that.

Mountain

That’s what I’m concerned about her having anxiety issues and the youngest being affected by it too. It could affect their relationship too. I want to being my child up to be independent. Even if that doesn’t happen at least I’ve tried my best to give her that type of childhood and trust her to do things. My step daughter is not getting the same opportunities from either of her parents.

Heckypeck

I’ve been trying to come up with something which didn’t sound snappy or defensive of the baby whenever she compares herself at the same age, so thanks for the idea I’ll use that I think 

Bananas

That’s exactly how I feel sometimes too…’they are put on a pedestal and we have to live our lives around their needs’. I don’t think it does them any good either. It breeds a sort of competition between them doesn’t it, which in our case is reinforced in the other household too. Not letting an 18 year old get the bus is ridiculous especially if the younger ones are getting the bus. Even on its own its ridiculous. I have family who are like that with their two daughters, where they literally do everything for them. Fast forward to now where they are in the early 20’s and they can’t hold down a job or look after themselves. One doesn’t even like to get a shower upstairs if there is no one in the house with her.

So he’ll make your child second best instead? I never thought of it like that before but essentially yes that is what he is doing. Some of my family have actually pointed out before when I mentioned that I didn’t want my step daughter to feel pushed out with the babies arrival so agreed to have her here every weekend (as she previously used to stay eow) and her response was ‘but what about you, who’s looking after you. I was solely focused on doing the same as my DS making sure that my step daughter was ok that I’ve realised who is actually looking out for our baby in this situation?

Would you suggest counselling? I have thought about it if I’m honest.

Mycats

As a result she never seemed to be capable of thinking for herself

I see this a lot in my step daughter, she has to be told to do or bring basic things.

You are right it doesn’t help your DSDs relationship with you and your baby. It’s setting up her getting special treatment and a competitive aspect.

I would suggest counseling. Me and DP had it, unfortunately we didn’t get very far with it, but the counselor challenging him and asking him questions was quite powerful. And also allowing me the space to talk without being shut down.

A very tell tale sign is when DSDs needs are priority. You should have been able to look after your baby as priority at the time, and now too! Really DSD needs to be growing into fitting around your family as much as also getting one to one time with her Dad.

I’ve had this too. I had a terrible ‘holiday’ with my DSDs, a couple of years ago. I suggested going somewhere with them, I paid for it, I asked them what they would like and we booked it all around them. We stayed with my family for some of it, as it was near where they wanted to go. They spent the whole time ignoring me and the baby, youngest cried when asked to help me with the baby on route (just playing with him as well as me for 10 mins), so we all had to stop and hug her and buy her a treat. They sat in total silence while having dinner with my parents. Oldest DSD practically sat in her Dads lap (okay exaggeration but wedged next to him sitting or walking). They had a go at my nephew for picking up his cat (youngest didn’t like cats but no one knew that), and didn’t speak to anyone just watched TV. Etc etc etc...

Sorry rant! So the upshot was, we were running around after them and my poor young toddler was second place, having to wait in buggy, no parks, no playgrounds, no time from DP, I was very tired and stressed, felt embarrassed too as my very tolerant family were totally bewildered.

And yet a DPs only comment was that he was ‘so grateful that they wanted to come’. No idea at all of how crap it was for our son or me!

So if this seems at all familiar, you have a problem!

OP, what I meant by your DD being treated better by her dad was only by the fact that she spends more time with him naturally and that in itself, through no fault of anyone of course, is a the biggest treat of all. Many kids of separated parents do miss the parent they don't see as often, and that is something painful to have to accept and yes, it is easy in this case to feel some jealousy towards the child who gets what they themselves want more than anything, even if they love the other child and know it's not their fault.

One option in regards to the meal which I now apply with my kids is to let her plate her own, this way, she can put what she likes only and the quantity that she feels is right for her. That would be treating her like an adult and save her wasting food.

OP, what I meant by your DD being treated better by her dad was only by the fact that she spends more time with him naturally and that in itself, through no fault of anyone of course, is a the biggest treat of all.

I strongly disagree with this. It's not a "treat" for OPs DD to live with her mother and father. It's normal. It's how it should be. Ops DD should not suddenly become second best when SD arrives. It's not OPs or her DDs fault that SDs parents split up. They should not be made to pay the price.
OP your DH needs to realize he simply can't overcompensate with SD for the divorce. It's impossible. She is a child from a broken home and he can't change it or make it better. Chances are she will be absolutely fine. It's not ideal but life rearly is.

If he continues in that vein he will eventually push you away and he will have TWO children from broken homes on his conscious.

I recommend counsuling.

mycats

why do these do that? Do things for their children that they can easily do for themselves. They don’t understand that they are telling their children they don’t trust them to be able to do it and so in years to come they will have low self-confidence and not be able to think for themselves.

The problem starts when you have children together too as up to that point you have probably parented each of your children the way you see fit but where do you go with one of your own?

So one of his children has been babied while the other has not? It’s quite telling that there are different mothers involved. I wonder why the mother wants to keep her daughter a baby though? I cant understand from a father’s perspective as he feels guilty with the breakup of his family and hates not seeing them when he can, plus if there’s contact issues involved then he will want to make sure the children are as happy as possible when they do finally come to see him. But I’m failing to see why the mother would do that!

To be honest we had a very similar situation to yours with your partners now 12 year old refusing to come down after being told she couldn’t do/have something. In my case, she stopped seeing her dad for months on end on-and-off since I come on the scene 3.5 years ago trying to get her own way and telling her dad he couldn’t tell her what to do as he wasn’t her parental guardian, etc, etc. it all changed though when we had our own baby 10 months ago. She has been down regular every weekend and wanting to be included in everything even if it’s a baby centre. There was quite bad parental alienation in our situation too. Funny how things change isn’t it. To be honest I thought it would get worse with a baby not better.

I wondered yesterday whether children of fathers who have to leave the family home for weeks/months at a time suffer the same treatment (for instance, if the dad is in the army or his work requires him to travel abroad). I highly doubt it tho as it seems to be that the bitterness within these relationships that have broken down has caused this behaviour or so I’ve witnessed anyway. It’s not always the case but usually.

Bananas

How things are here doesn’t help anyone really. My grandparents want to celebrate their anniversary next weekend at ours with a meal and I want to do it but at the same time I keep thinking will my DSD spoil it. Even a family member of mine who doesn’t usually notice anything and likes all children mentioned to my mum that she was strange and very spoilt. It was also mentioned that my DS was all over my DSD, whereas he didn’t bother with the baby. I have to admit I didn’t notice as 1) either I’ve witnessed the behaviour far too much to bat an eye lid to it now or B) my family are a little biased as they are obviously going to think of my daughter more than my DSD just because they are my family.

Do you think this is where the competitiveness is coming from to begin with? The way she is being treated?

Your holiday sounds like a nightmare! I don’t think people understand unless they’ve been in the situation as it is quite uncomfortable to be around. My DSD is not quite as extreme as that but still it does feel like me and my baby are second best to him and his first family. You know he hasn’t really liked saying anything that might upset his ex when it came to their daughter. You know like asking if she can stay overnight instead of being dropped off. I remember at one point he didn’t even like me going with him to drop my DSD off at home in case the ex caused a scene. I pointed out to him that he’s making me feel that her feelings are more important than mine and it never happened again. Although, he does still seem to want to upset me (and our baby) than have to tell his DSD or ex something which they may not like.

I’ve noticed my DSD is different when with her dad and while her nan is around, especially where the baby is involved. She’s all over the baby when I take the baby to her nans (my DSD’s mum) but in ours she doesn’t bother with her and if asked to mind her for a minute while doing something she will give her subtly to the other parent.

God that does ring a bell with me… ‘so grateful that they wanted to come. That’s the way my DS is sometimes. You know as long as his DSD is happy then nothing else matters.

Maybe counselling would good as we will both here different perspectives from someone else’s point of view who is not too involved in the situation.

It’s a damaging dynamic. Ignore it and it can get way worse. It does set up and feed competition and manipulation. I’ll never take a holiday with DSDs again. Last year I took our son away for a few days, it was so sad DP didn’t come as he didn’t want to upset his daughters. They all bitched that I’d been away to DP anyway and I’ve had nothing but resentment that I went away! Poor little DS had no Dad on holiday and we still got grief and jealousy even though they spent to whole time in our house with their Dad. And have had years of holidays. They are adults now too, grrrrr.

So difficult to point it out as SM, better if it is from a third party. As otherwise we can then just be part of that competition.

Me and DP are breaking up as it was so much drama and resentment coming my way, DS definitely treated second best but crucially my DP cannot see it. He still acts as if his daughters are the ones missing out and he has to make up for it. He usually quotes the fact that they don’t live with us to justify it. But they are adults, they should not be priority anyway, and they were treated way better even when they did live with us! I’m heartily sick of it.

Hopefully your DP can start to recognize it. Work on that! Get others to say if they see it too, anyone he might listen to?

Whilst I agree that there are some undesirable parenting styles in your OHs relationship with his elder daughter, there’s no comparison with how he parents your daughter in your posts that suggest that he won’t do exactly the same with her?

If you don’t like how he treats the elder, you need to explain how you want your daughter raised differently. At 10mths old, for example, your daughter is not necessarily able to, nor inclined, to get down from the table of her own accord. You could say to your OH that everyone sitting together is good family dynamics and you’d really like it if the four of you could all sit together. Or just tell the older girl to sit back down when she starts getting up from the table because you want all the family to finish eating together. Bring her into the convo at the table. Do you have a good relationship with her outside your internal dislike of her behaviour?

I really do think that some mothers (step mums or not) are in for quite a shock when their kids become teenagers!

It's all very well to believe so strongly that the way you bring up your kids, especially when they are little will determine the teenagers and then adult they will become. Oh if only.... You might find that however amazingly you parent your own kids, doing a so much better job than the exes are, your kids don't turn out to be the well behaved, respectful, caring, hard working kids you'd imagined they would be when they were 5 and little angels so receptive to everything they are taught.

My DD18 turned out exactly how I imagined and planned she would. My DS15 hasn't. They have received the exact same education, same expectations, same rules, same everything. I could look back and think 'where did I go wrong with him?' but the reality is that they are just different in their personality, and ultimately, I had to learn in the last few years that you have to adjust your ways to suit their personality or you are risking doing the exact opposite of what you are trying to achieve. I still believe that DS will achieve what he aims to and will turn out to be a worthy adult, he will just do it at a different pace, in a different way.

Don't judge the way your SD is and assume that because her parents can't educate her properly, she will end up not being the best she can be. They are doing their best taking into consideration the child's personality they have know all their lives. Don't assume that if she was brought up with your values and beliefs, she would be a totally different child.

You might find that your OH acts as a very different father to your DD not just because he's 'learned' from raising his first, or because he has more control over how he can influence her, but because she is just a very different child to his first. Either way, he will do as we all do, what he thinks is the best for his children.

@swingofthings...great point