Why are stepmothers always seen as villains?

[Mirievecio]

My partner and I have been together 5 years and finally moved in to our own home together two months ago.
We finally got our dream house and our own space and it should be bliss, but his daughter is making my life Hell.
He has her every Monday, Wednesday and Friday after school and takes her home to her mother for half past 7. Every other weekend, he has her until the Sunday after picking her up from school on the Friday, so you can see that he has her quite a bit.

This said, she's become to him at the hip when she's here. He can't eat, shower or even go to the toilet without her following him.
Yesterday when he left her two rooms away and came in to the living room to talk to me, she called him and he said he'd be there in a minute which resulted in her bursting into tears and saying she was afraid and lonely.
It's like she doesn't want him around me. He's assured her plenty of times that he's not leaving her and I'm no threat, but she's forever inserting herself between us and has done for the past 5 years.
He gave me a hug a few days ago and she was over quick as a flash and hugging him. Yet when they're cuddled up together, I leave them to it.

Her behaviour seems a little abnormal, too. She had a 30 minute screaming tantrum yesterday because the tablet PC she was playing on had to be charged as the battery died. It was horrendous and there was no explaining it to her or reasoning with her.
She became hysterical a few days ago when my partner asked her if she wanted to take a cardigan to the theatre incase she became cold in there and she wouldn't calm down.
She constantly wants to be on the computer or tablet and has a strop when she's asked to come off it. She isn't interested in colouring or playing games and is becoming unbearable to be around.

On another note her diet is shocking. Her staple diet is sausage, potatoes, bread and crisps. When she's not eating those, she's eating chocolate and sweets.
She won't try anything else and point blank refuses. No one seems to want to address this, either. Not her mother, grand parents or even my partner, as no one knows what to do.
She's sallow skinned, thin and looks ill.
I suspect this doesn't help her behaviour or moods, but I'm not able to say anything or be proactive as I feel I'd be seen as interfering by her grand parents and mother.

I've got to my lowest point ever with all of it.
I can't cook family meals any more as she won't eat what we eat.
She makes sure when she's over that I'm not involved in anything that they're doing.
She doesn't even look at me any more and will blatantly ignore me.
It's awful to say, because she's only a child, but I can't stand her.
I hate the thought of being around her because no matter what I do, it's wrong.
She's such a horrible child that she's made me question whether I want children of my own with my partner.

I'm worried she'll end up driving a wedge between my partner and I. I know it must be hard for him too, because he's stuck in the middle, but she's making me so unhappy.

Has anyone else been through this? Is there light as the end of the tunnel?
Please don't judge me or tell me I'm a bad person. I don't need that. I just need reassurance and guidance.

You've had some really good advice from posters.

You are not a failure, at all. This is a very hard task at the best of times.

She's not coping well, 8 is still so little. You've recently moved in together and she probably sees this as more permanent in her mind, and a threat. She'll be worrying she's losing her dad.

The tantrums, and not being able to make decisions point to a vulnerable child. So is the need to be on a screen. This is a coping mechanism.
Things will work out with careful nurturing.

Can you reach into her world and join her with a screen game, multiplayer maybe? Mine craft is ideal for this and you can build things together, you don't even have to be in the same room.

I became a facilitator for Dad and exW.
Blended into the background for a bit.

Tell your DSD how wonderful her dad is, lots of praise. Always smile, I know it's hard. Tell her how glad you are they can spend time together and that its special.
Take time to tell her positive things about herself to boost her.

Speak positively about her Mum, even if it's difficult.

For example when I made biscuits with my step children I always slanted it towards making some special ones for Mum and getting them to package them (as an activity).

If you are out maybe let her chose a little something for her Mum.

Encourage photos of all of her family. Make her space in her second home her own and special. Maybe a pull away bed if she wants a friend to stay over, even if it's not used it sends a message that her friends are welcome too. I appreciate this may be a while yet.

it's not your job to mother as such, it's your job to help her parents raise a happy healthy child.

If she was having some time with dad, I might pop into which ever room they are in, and comment how lovely it was spending time together and bring them drinks.

With my now older DSC after many years it's reaped rewards. The children rush in to talk about their day, ask if it's their favourite meal I'm cooking. They text me when they are not here. They seek me out to partner them in computer games.

I also didn't vanish, if they were in our lounge I would be in the same room on a different sofa.
If we went out, we all went out. But don't be afraid of getting out and doing something for yourself if you need space.

I think the other thing that occurred to me is children rarely appreciate or understand the behind the scenes work you'll do. The fairies cook, clean, make beds and hoover. So if, In your mind you're doing a lot for them. They won't see it as this. It's very normal for it not to even register.

The bits they see and will respond to are the smiling and the positive comments.

Our motto is 'Happy, healthy and precious'.

Best wishes, it's a hard one to crack.

Id say this sounds normal. My DD is nearly 6 so younger, but we have had crying about coming off the tablet and crying about putting a coat on in winter before.
Also had times baking where she'll wander off, and she prefers icing to cake.
She asks for me rather than DP a lot of the time too. It all sounds fairly normal IMO and not so much a step parenting issue as just a slightly more demanding child than some other children issue.

It also sounds like the contact routine must be quite unsettling. Shes in a different house nearly every other day.
Thats probably not helping, some children need routine more than others who may be fine with that sort of set up.

This doesn’t sound healthy for anyone. Not you, not DP, not DSD.

She is learning that manipulation is rewarded, which is not good. She would not get away with this if it were her Mum and Dad together! And if it’s not going away, it’ll be a big moody teenager excluding you and hand holding Dad on the sofa and your relationship won’t survive.

I think it’s a terrible thing to allow a child so much power, as although it feels good in the moment for them, it’s not nice for them either. The constant pushing you away, treating you badly (which she is) makes for an unhappy child. We gain happiness by building up tolerance and resilience, accepting step mum and alllowing your Dad to have a relationship is important for her happiness.

That’s not to say she’s horrible or not due consideration and kindness from you. Of course she needs that, she’s a child of 8.

Your happiness matters too. I would be having a serious chat with DP. Is she like this with her mother? At school? I would hold hands with your DP and refuse to unjoin them. Small things but this very extreme possessiveness needs to be broken.

Tbh it's really shit bouncing between parents.
When there are not partners you're on a timeshare and when a new partner comes along you can just see that they have a new family who gets to live with them permanently and settled. That they have one place they belong and you're constantly being displaced.
God help you if you have kids, she'll be intensely jealous of the baby with the happy family unit, whilst she is still on a time share.

I can see it's shit from both sides, but she's a kid and is just trying to handle her uncomfortable feelings.

Honestly, she sounds pretty normal to me. And I hate to say it but it won't get any easier. My dd was at her worst between 9 and 11, she's chilling out a bit now though. Your SD sounds insecure and as though she's been through a lot.

I remember before I had children I couldn't believe how many of the children of my acquaintance behaved or were being brought up, I was horrified at all the terrible parenting and bad behaviour I saw around me. Then I had my own children and realised quite what a judgmental twerp I had been.

She would not get away with this if it were her Mum and Dad together!
Totally agree. However it's not her mum and dad together, it's a completely different situation, with different motivations from the (very young) child and therefore needs a different approach.

your relationship won’t survive
I'm 4 years down the line with DSD. My relationship with her and DP are both thriving. I always stepped aside for DSD, so she knew she was still her Dad's priority.

treating you badly (which she is)
Again I don't agree. She is a young child, probably motivated by worry and insecurity. I don't think any of this is about deliberately trying to treat the OP badly. Bad behaviour needs discipline. Emotional/insecure behaviour needs empathy and understanding.

This is what a lot of kids are like. Maybe you're just not suited to being around children. Luckily you only spend 3 days a week together, not 7.

I feel sorry for her. It can't be nice spending half the week in one house and the other half in another house with someone who doesn't like her, who she sees as a threat.

It’s not completely different than having parents together. It’s different but it doesn’t mean a child is given free rein to manipulate and treat an adult badly. That doesn’t mean they are being deliberate, but it does need to be tackled. It can be tackled sensitively, but it still needs tackling!

It’s the extremness that marks this out. And it’s not healthy or ‘normal’. I’ve had five kids and step kids so have seen a lot! I’m glad it’s worked out for you @Holly. I certainly also gave my step kids a lot of room with their Dad, however there is a balance. There’s giving a kid room and letting them totally come between you. My step kids ended up ruling the roost and DP. And now my DSDs are young adults their manipulative behaviour got far, far worse. It doesn’t always get better.

I do really worry about some kids from separated families learning really crap manipulative behaviour. And you’ve been in this kids life for years OP.

For me the balance is skewed way too far on DSD in this case. Which isn’t good for the DSD either.

I was that little girl at exactly the same age. I know what it feels like. It feels like your normality that you've built with years with the parent you only see 2 days every fortnight is shattered as things change so dramatically and in no way to benefit you.

Kids at 8 are not manipulative. They respond to what they feel to be a threat to their normality. They cling on because they're insecure. They have tantrums for nothing because they are scared and they don't even really know what they are scared of.

It breaks me heart to read that some people perceive this as manipulation and that the solution is to act in such a way to make them feel even more insecure.

RadioDorothy's post was spot on and indeed, her patience and understanding led to a positive outcome.

It's been good for me to read different perspectives. It's certainly helped me to see the bigger picture.
This is not the life I'd choose for myself, but I waited a bloody long time for my other half to walk in to my life and if this is what I have to put up with and come to terms with, then I'll have to pull my finger out.
I don't want anyone to think I'm being mean or that I hate children. I didn't have the easiest upbringing and am much more comfortable around animals than children, but I don't dislike or hate them and as one user suggested, I wouldn't say I'm being self-centred and unsympathetic. I'm just trying to understand what's going on here and due to not having that understanding I've reached out.
I've suggested we have a play date with one of her friends the next time we're together and I'm going to try to facilitate a meeting with the local children.
If I suggest we all walk the dog, they flock over to see him, so I can maybe introduce her to them then. I'm kind of hoping that will help.

Has your DP spoken to her as shes getting a bit older about how she feels about contact how it is at the moment? Would she prefer the days at each house chunked together more? It might help her behaviour to be able to settle in each place more. Would every other weekend and each Tues after school until wed 7pm work for example so its not so many late drops back home and every other day in a different place.

Kids at 8 are not manipulative. They respond to what they feel to be a threat to their normality. They cling on because they're insecure. They have tantrums for nothing because they are scared and they don't even really know what they are scared of

That may be so to an extent BUT kids even at 2 or 3 are bloody unconsciouy trying to get their own way. My own DS will throw spectacular tantrums if I won't buy him what he wants..he is not insecure. He needs to learn how to behave and so does this little 8 year old. PLENTY of 1 to 1 with dad only and a fair share of ALL together activities..DON'T let her break you up as a couple, this can go so very wrong for a relationship...very often they DON'T stop as it's entiltement rather than insecurity causing the behaviour. It also VERY heavily depends on what her mother is saying about you.

That contact regime sounds really unsettling and knackering for her. She only sleeps at yours 2 nights a fortnight, despite spending much more time there. From her perspectice I wonder if the other 5 nights feel like she’s being kicked out and it exacerbates her jealousy - you get to stay with her dad but she gets sent back to her mum. Plus she must be going home right at bedtime which doesn’t seem great for winding down.

Is there a rationale for it?

OP, you'll get there because you want to. It just might take a lot of giving though before you see a result so hang in there.

That may be so to an extent BUT kids even at 2 or 3 are bloody unconsciouy trying to get their own way
Of course and so do many adults, however, children who share their everyday life with both parents will not experience what a child who only see one parent, a parent they love as much as the one they see every day, is suddenly faced with.

Imagine that your OH has no choice but to take a job away so you suddenly only see him every other week-end. You miss him a lot but it's ok because these week-ends are special. He gives you all the attention you need because you love him and it makes the wait until the next time you get together bearable. Then suddenly, he tells you that from then on, his parents are moving in with him and during these week-ends, he will have to give them attention too, so you'll have to accept that you get to see his parents during all these visits, even though you don't really care for them, need to be polite, act like you are delighted to see them and that of course, you are happy for them to join you when you and your OH go out, or that of course, you're happy to eat their favourite food, despite the fact it's totally different to what you used to it.

And then imagine that when you think you'll finally get some time with your OH one evening, your MIL announces that she's going to seat with you and watch the film, and you have enough after a whole day of making efforts and loses it telling them that you have enough, and then instead of them being understanding, they tell you that you better change your attitude because your reaction is manipulative to get your own way and you better get used to the situation.

This is exactly how this girl feels.

Is walking the dog something you both enjoy? Could animals be the thing you have in common? I really think you need to find something to like about her. Something about her to look forward to and makes you smile.

Because if you do it may start small but it would spread. Then instead of you being the thing that gets in the way of her and her dad. You would be the person who takes her to the petting zoo or something similar.

For now try and forget all the negative and find something outside of that which you can associate with eachother.

There's an essay by Martin Amis in "Writers and their Mothers" which is for my money the most readable thing he has ever written. It's called "My Wicked Stepmother" and in it he chronicles how she rescued him and loved him unconditionally and there's a signal of his ingratitude at the time.

I guess you have an opportunity to make a real difference. You won't feel loved for a long time but it's a long game. I think for your sake more than anyone else's, you should just keep plugging along trying to connect.

I take her horse riding as I have my own horse, so she gets to do that. She's not particularly fussed on animals. We did buy a hamster and as with most children, we ended up looking after it!
The routine suits both her parents due to their work schedules. I'm unable to help out here as I start work at the same time she starts school and finish after she's finished school, but if I have days off I'll pick her up.
We don't have that much common ground because I'm more of a farmer's daughter and she's quite girly.
The only thing I can do, thanks to the horses, is plait hair! I suppose that's our common ground.

That's brilliant - you'll be remembered as the cool step-mum who took her riding. Such a super thing to do for her.

If you can plait hair and that's something she likes, have a look on YouTube and maybe see if you can practice some new styles on her, or get her to pick one for you to try and learn. Anything that gets some positivity into your relationship.

I think the routines are a real issue. If morning drop off is the problem, could one of you drop her at her mother’s on your way to work, instead of her going back at bedtime the night before? Or use breakfast clubs if available? It just seems very choppy and perhaps not helping an already fraught situation.

Bedtime is when my DS1 really unwinds and shares all his thoughts/worries/stresses. She might be missing that in both homes due to bedtime pressures, and she won’t get that time with your DP much. Or as another poster said, bigger chunks of time may help her feel more settled.

Sorry to over focus on this - you’re obviously in a really difficult situation. Contact feels like something that might make a difference in how secure she’s feeling.

This is DEFINITELY something I'll suggest to my partner.
At the moment, maybe one more overnight stay a week to test the water and I'd have to arrange it in work that I could maybe start half an hour later on that particular day.
Due to where we all live and work, it wouldn't be practical to be dropping her off at her mother's first thing in the morning. It would be more practical for me to take time out of work to do it. My partner starts at half 7 so not possible for him.

I have a similar age DD and I have to say a lot of that behaviour seems very typical of her age. She can be like that and so can lots of her friends. Tantrums for half an hour is not ideal but they are often starting to get a bit more ‘teenagery’ at that age.

I wonder if you have high expectations which is just setting everyone up for a fall all the time? I would be surprised by any of those behaviours in an 8 year old, whether or not there is a step parent involved.

At the moment, maybe one more overnight stay a week to test the water and I'd have to arrange it in work that I could maybe start half an hour later on that particular day.
Be careful not to invest too much though as you are risking to expect a return from it and feel resentful if it doesn't come.

Unless it is something you really want to do and something that won't be an issue at all at work, I wouldn't do that, at least not yet. Focus on the time you have together. It is very hard to bond with a child (or anyone for that matter) you don't have much in common with, but again, time can change many things. My DD became a very girly girl around that age, which horrified me, but by the time she turned 13, she didn't care any longer. She is now 18 and couldn't be any less girly and won't ever wear make up.

I had similar problems with my DSS. I have two children of my own of the same age, so when we moved in together we had all three kids most of the time.

He would cry to get his own way and his DF would react and try and make things right. I spoke to DH and explained that DSS was using crying to get his own way and that he was not unhappy. I suggested that he did not react when he cried and tell him to stop crying and explain calmly what he wanted. He tried that and it worked, we had a lot less silly crying.

I also refused to let mealtimes dictate and stepped away from situations that frustrated me. I made one meal and if DSS did not want what I cooked, it was up to his DF to give him something else.

Something that might help with making friends with the local kids is a trampoline in the garden. DSS's mother got one when they moved to a new house and he made friends very quickly, who wanted to come and play.

Good luck, being a step parent is hard. I have been one for over 10 years and it still has its challenges.