Why are stepmothers always seen as villains?

[Mirievecio]

My partner and I have been together 5 years and finally moved in to our own home together two months ago.
We finally got our dream house and our own space and it should be bliss, but his daughter is making my life Hell.
He has her every Monday, Wednesday and Friday after school and takes her home to her mother for half past 7. Every other weekend, he has her until the Sunday after picking her up from school on the Friday, so you can see that he has her quite a bit.

This said, she's become to him at the hip when she's here. He can't eat, shower or even go to the toilet without her following him.
Yesterday when he left her two rooms away and came in to the living room to talk to me, she called him and he said he'd be there in a minute which resulted in her bursting into tears and saying she was afraid and lonely.
It's like she doesn't want him around me. He's assured her plenty of times that he's not leaving her and I'm no threat, but she's forever inserting herself between us and has done for the past 5 years.
He gave me a hug a few days ago and she was over quick as a flash and hugging him. Yet when they're cuddled up together, I leave them to it.

Her behaviour seems a little abnormal, too. She had a 30 minute screaming tantrum yesterday because the tablet PC she was playing on had to be charged as the battery died. It was horrendous and there was no explaining it to her or reasoning with her.
She became hysterical a few days ago when my partner asked her if she wanted to take a cardigan to the theatre incase she became cold in there and she wouldn't calm down.
She constantly wants to be on the computer or tablet and has a strop when she's asked to come off it. She isn't interested in colouring or playing games and is becoming unbearable to be around.

On another note her diet is shocking. Her staple diet is sausage, potatoes, bread and crisps. When she's not eating those, she's eating chocolate and sweets.
She won't try anything else and point blank refuses. No one seems to want to address this, either. Not her mother, grand parents or even my partner, as no one knows what to do.
She's sallow skinned, thin and looks ill.
I suspect this doesn't help her behaviour or moods, but I'm not able to say anything or be proactive as I feel I'd be seen as interfering by her grand parents and mother.

I've got to my lowest point ever with all of it.
I can't cook family meals any more as she won't eat what we eat.
She makes sure when she's over that I'm not involved in anything that they're doing.
She doesn't even look at me any more and will blatantly ignore me.
It's awful to say, because she's only a child, but I can't stand her.
I hate the thought of being around her because no matter what I do, it's wrong.
She's such a horrible child that she's made me question whether I want children of my own with my partner.

I'm worried she'll end up driving a wedge between my partner and I. I know it must be hard for him too, because he's stuck in the middle, but she's making me so unhappy.

Has anyone else been through this? Is there light as the end of the tunnel?
Please don't judge me or tell me I'm a bad person. I don't need that. I just need reassurance and guidance.

It's not you, she'd be the same with any woman/animal/sibling that her father was with. Kids enjoy one on one time with their parent(s) in all families.

Do you ever invite other children round to play?

How old is she?

I can't work out how old she might be. Somewhere from 5 - 8?

She'll be 8 at the end of June. She was 2 and a half when we met.
I don't know any mums with children as none of my friends have had kids. I'm 31, my partner is 32.

There are kids in the street where we live and they're ALWAYS out playing. As I write this about half a dozen of them are hanging out of a tree opposite the house and having fun, but she doesn't want to play with them or have anything to do with them.

I sympathise. It’s very difficult & your partner will feel torn too & possibly guilty that he doesn’t see her every day. I think it needs to be diluted somehow so the suggestion of inviting other children around sounds like a good one. Do you ask her to do things with you separately i.e more girly stuff - maybe shopping? It could help to develop your relationship if you did something without your partner around. Maybe she could help you cook/bake something to give her some responsibility & may help you to steer her diet in the right direction?

Have you read the book Stepmonster? Very interesting & discusses the myth of the evil stepmother.

She's quite young and reassurances that her dad won't leave her won't do the job.

Have you tried getting close with her and doing stuff just the 2 of you.

Have you only been living together for 2 months? Because if so, she'll still be feeling unsettled. Give it time. Even though she's known you for years, the change is probably what's making her clingy with him.

I would also think about arranging something fun that you can all do together - maybe a trip somewhere (theme park/water park?) with no electronic devices! Having said that, another thing that helped me was to take a step back occasionally, especially when things got too much. I made sure I arranged some nice things to do with friends or just went out by myself.

My SS is now at uni & much more independent, but I remember how difficult it was when he was younger

She's not interested in doing stuff with just me. She'll let me do her hair and that's about it.
We all baked a cake yesterday, but about half way through she lost interest and then once it was done she just ate the icing and left the cake.
We've had some small success making smoothies, but when we've said we're doing them since, once again, she isn't interested.
We moved in to our house on March 6th, so I know there's bound to be an adjustment period, but her behaviours are out of control.
I agree that having some children here might help, but I think one of her friend's mothers wasn't happy about her daughter coming home with my partner...due to him being a man.
Understandable, but it upset my partner and he hasn't suggested it since.

My stepson is a little like this and he's 15 😬

She's 8, you've just moved house, she misses her dad when she's not with him, and she's possibly overheard someone mention "new house new baby" in her earshot....

Do you do everything the three of you on a weekend? I've learnt to step back and am actually around a lot less on access weekends now. I got fed up of literally being trodden over on a walk up the street as he has to cling to his dad, and other bits, so I do my own thing mostly on weekends now.

Don't try and change her diet or habits. That's not your job. She has two parents, and she will resent whatever you try and do.

You've said yourself you don't like spending time with her, and she probably realises that. So don't. Arrange something else, let her dad feed her, and use the every other weekend to meet with friends/do a hobby

I'll have to look into getting Stepmonster. I tried reading one on Stepmothers in the past, but all the stories were so happy go lucky and everyone had such beautiful relationships I couldn't read any more. I didn't check the publisher, but it was probably Disney!
The gutting thing is that every other child I know loves being around me and I love having fun with them and playing games. It's just the one that matters most doesn't want to know me.

What exactly is it that is ‘out of control’? Have you invited other children in to play? It can be pretty daunting joining a group of children you don’t know. Have a word with a parent and have a child,of a similar age over to tea to break the ice, perhaps?

The tantrums and crying that can last half an hour over things that we can't control. Basically, if she can't go on an electronic device, she declares she's bored and nothing will placate her.
She doesn't want to play games any more or do anything that doesn't involve looking at a screen.
When that's removed from her, she goes ballistic.
The kids come over whenever we're outside, because we're generally out there walking my dog. They flock over to say hello because he's the biggest one on the street, but she isn't interested in speaking to them even though they're all pretty friendly.

I would definitely recommend reading Stepmonster - it’s not idealistic at all & it tries to see things from everyone’s point of view, without demonising anyone. It’s a relief to know your thoughts are normal!

If she likes you doing her hair, i’d focus on this - maybe try some new styles, shop for hair bands etc. One of my close friends really struggled after her DP moved in with his daughter staying over on a similar basis to your stepdaughter. She regularly has beauty sessions with her where they do each other’s hair & makeup. The rest of the time, she leaves then to it & goes out with friends

I try to get out as much as possible. I spent the entire day at my Auntie's yesterday and I arrange things with friends on the weekends he has his daughter.
Is it okay to be living separate lives when she's here and go out more? Will that make it worse in the end?
I'll definitely get that book.

Sounds awful OP!! Has she always been like this? Or is it just recent?

I only ask this as my DSD (5yo) has turned into such a little terror since starting school! She was happy and cheerful (unless tired) apart from those normal kiddie spats. She has also taken abit of a dislike to me and is often found cuddling up to Daddy 'being cute' thinking this is a great way to get what she wants. Oh and she has also started to completely ignore us (so DH is in this too at times) and I cannot stand it. I think it is so rude and disrespectful.

Only advice I can give it HANG IN THERE. If it's only a recent thing I can see it calming down soon enough. Needless to say you now have me worried this is going to last for years, I hoped mine was just going through a phase

There have been good and bad times over the last few years. She used to start crying as a means to get her father alone and away from me. She once hit me in the boob and when I cried out in pain she started crying and was rewarded by Dad coming and taking her away to find out why she was hysterical. That was fun!
We spent a week in Paignton a year back and it took a few days before her attitude toward me changed for the better. We came back and she spent a night with her mother and the next day she was back to being horrible.
I suppose I don't know what her mother is saying, really, although I don't think she's that way inclined.
I have no contact with her mother at all. She left my partner and he said he realised after she left that he wasn't in love with her anymore and the relationship had broken down months before, so no animosity between them to feed a hatred of me from her which she'd pass on to my step daughter.
It's so nice when the three of us are enjoying each other's company, because always at the back of my mind is the thought that my partner is completely happy and that's all I want for him.
I feel like a failure for not being able to provide that and I wonder if someone else would make them both happier sometimes.

@Mirievecio must be awful to feel that way! Children are strange things most of the time. My step daughters have been playing out most of the day and the youngest has come back in for her tea and decide she no longer likes me and is refusing to speak She is now fast asleep in bed (after only lying down after Daddy told her to) and I can only imagine she will be half decent when she wakes up tomorrow! (We will see how long that lasts for).

It would be easy for me to say that the Mother will be putting things in her head but it doesn't seem to be the case with what you have said. My eldest SD actually stopped seeing us for abit when she was about 8 and we were devastated (DH more so obviously) he blamed himself the whole time and we did fall out over it a few times. It turns out, she was in bits about leaving her mum and felt she might have missed out on something if she was with us instead. We never really spoke about her mum as there were issues that her and my DH still argued over. I found that once I started involving her mum in our daily conversations (I.e. oh did mummy do your hair that way? it's lovely, she's really good! Etc) did she start to open up and be better with us. Maybe try getting her mum involved with your daily things (obviously you don't have to speak to her directly) and (if she does) she might not feel like she's betraying her mum by actually liking you??

I really do hope it is just a phase for you! Keep strong! Raising other people's babies is a difficult business! You're doing a fantastic job. The fact that you have shared this shows how much you care now pour yourself a wine and relax!

Can you list anything you like about her?

Can you list anything you like about her?

^^ This.

It sounds like you haven't managed to bond with her, which must be hard for both of you.

she's forever inserting herself between us and has done for the past 5 years She used to start crying as a means to get her father alone and away from me

It sounds like she's insecure about her position in the family. You sound like you have made an effort to try things she might like (baking etc) so you obviously care about making it work, I would say stick with it, keep trying different activities and you will find something she likes that's not iPad/gadgets. Most importantly she needs to know she is wanted and loved in the new home and no-one will take her place in Daddy's life.

It's not easy by any means but you are not the villian and there's no quick fix to making a stepfamily work. Remember it's not just your responsibility though and try not to put too much pressure on yourself!

This is incredibly hard for you, I know. I am a SM of 3, from when they were all toddlers - they're all in their 20s now!

As a pp said, hang in there. You're doing everything you can do - this little girl is obviously extremely insecure and a bit muddled by it all. Stand back a bit, don't get involved with diet, tantrums, discipline, etc etc (unless she is in danger obvs) - let her father set expectations and sort out problems. Be the smiling, kind, peaceful support act (or a diversion). Mention mummy frequently and positively - it shows that there are no "sides" and that you harbour no ill feeling towards her mum.

My SD also did the thing of pushing her way between us occasionally, at around this age - she would look at me coyly as she barged me out of the way, or pushed her hand between ours. I usually graciously retreated with a wink (and avoided PDAs in front of her!) I was no competition, she took natural first place. I sometimes felt lonely, yes, but - I was the adult with adult emotions, she was just a kid needing her daddy.

I got through those years telling myself that no matter what, the relationship the kids had with their father was waaaaay more important than the one they had with me. In that dynamic, I actually didn't matter very much at all.

And personally, I also stayed away a bit in the early years - I had a hobby which took me out most weekends, which gave him time to bond and spend time with his kids without my presence. I suspect they thought me a bit of a cold fish, but I was consistent, easy going, and BORING. Never cross, upset, angry, emotional or over invested.

My advice, limited and unpopular as it may be, is to stop trying so hard. When she stops seeing you as a threat she'll come around.

All of these suggestions and this advice means so much to me.

I'll take everything on board and try.
It's such a relief to know that I'm not the only one having difficulty with the trials and tribulations of being a step parent.
Thank you all.

Keep in mind that how you feel about her, she will know, however much you think you are hiding it from her. Kids are very perceptive and they know when they are not liked by their teachers and it is the same with family. When you know someone doesn't like you, it's enough for them to not like you back and do nothing to make it better.

It's difficult because you can't help how you feel, so all that is left is trying to focus on the positives to try to like her a bit better and build from there, but it is likely to be a very slow process. The other alternative is to accept that you don't like her and she doesn't like you and therefore there will never be a 'happy family' life. You'll do your things and not get involved in your OH's relationship with her.

My SD also did the thing of pushing her way between us occasionally, at around this age - she would look at me coyly as she barged me out of the way, or pushed her hand between ours. I usually graciously retreated with a wink (and avoided PDAs in front of her!) I was no competition, she took natural first place.

That's SO wrong and a basis of making yourself unhappy and excluded. Sad and lonely relationship.

My toddler DS pushes himself between myself and DH(his dad). Sometimes he will actually take DHs hand away from mine. He even bloody cries on occasions when he sees us hug. Often he will cry and scream for me when DH is attending to him.

Like hell will I allow this behaviour to hurt DH who is an amazing, involved father. If DS pushes himself between us we hug as a 3. If he wants me when DH is attending to him I ignore it as I know he is safe with his dad and he NEEDS to learn.
As much as I love my DS he is not taking a "natural" first place to his father.
I suspect soon he will declare he wants to marry me or something, as little boys sonetimes do. When it happens I will explain I'm already married to his dad and again will make it very clear how important DH is to me.

I would never allow DH to retreat when DS starts this behaviour.

It happens more in step situations but should be tackled the same. A 8year old SD should be getting plenty 1 to 1 with her dad but she should NOT be allowed to separate her dad from his partner. If that happens you INCLUDE her in your moment. DONT exclude yourself.

That's SO wrong and a basis of making yourself unhappy and excluded. Sad and lonely relationship.

I don't agree with that at all, I did similar to RadioDorothy when this used to happen at the start with my DSD. As time went on, and she was more comfortable, she did it less and less until it stopped completely. I never felt excluded and my relationship with both DP and DSD are in no way sad or lonely!

The dynamics of a stepfamily (especially at the start) are VERY different to that of biological families, and the psychology behind children seeking attention from their biological parent in a stepfamily situation will be very different than in children dealing with 2 biological parents. I don't think the same rules apply. Not to say I think they should be allowed to behave however they like but I do think this specific issue needs to be dealt with differently that it would in a biological family.